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Having a hard time with my girlfriend who is pregnant.


ynguns251

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I am in total chaos with my girlfriend. I know she is pregnant and I am trying my best to do everything possible for her and all I ever get is grief. She and I have been dating 4 months and I just got out of a horrible relationship prior to meeting her. I feel pressured because she wants me to buy her an engagement ring and then get married. I do want a future but what she is doing is pushing me away and I can't take it anymore. When we met through mutual friends I was elated on how sweet she was and she to this day is very sweet however she gets upset because she is teacher and says her reputation is at stake. I told her that she works for a public school and they don't fire woman for having a kid out of wedlock. I am so sad and even my therapist says that she needs to calm down. We live about an hour away from each other and I find I am the one driving back and forth and recently she has been more compromising but I cannot stand this pressure. I need advice from you on here I still am hurt over my last relationship which was for 2 years and pure misery with a woman who was awful to me and I still to this day think about my ex and don't know why??? How could I ruminate over a woman who was awful to me and caused me all this harm??? I feel all alone because i don't know what to do and like my therapist told me do nothing until you are sure t's the right decision. I am scared I am 36 and never had a child before and don't know what to do.

 

 

 

Jim

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You don't have to figure it all out today. Focus on supporting her while keeping yourself in a healthy emotional place as well. Those should be your only goals.

 

Tell her engagement is not on the table right now. You haven't known each other long enough and you have enough on your plate. Marriage is something that needs to be mutual.

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Yes I told her let's see a counselor or someone who can be a mediator between us. I am a firefighter and cannot leave Indiana she live in Il and can go anywhere. We both been at our careers for 15 years and I made it clear I cannot leave the state due to an ordinance in IN. I am really trying my best but never seems to be enough. I even seen my therapist who advised me to do nothing till i am completely sure. I have no problem getting engaged but I don't have $8,000 for a ring and that's the kind she was looking at. I think that she should be more understanding on the whole engagement issue and accept a ring of any size because we can always upgrade in the future right?

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Why did you have unprotected sex with her? What do you know about her sexual health? Did she produce a clean bill of health before you two dismissed the condom/bc? Did you?

 

Was marriage ever discussed in the 4 months you've been seeing her? Seems to me she was rebound because you were just getting out from under your ex in October. I don't blame you for not wanting to get married--you dont' even know her and now, her true self is coming out.

 

Don't bow to pressure. Don't buy an engagement ring and don't get married until you both have had a series of visits with a relationship therapist. She will either have the baby, have an abortion or birth it and put the baby up for adoption, none of which requires marriage.

 

Also, being a teacher does not make her controlling. I come from a family of educators and being controlling isn't part of the package. No, she's controlling because that's who she is and you haven't taken enough time to figure out who she is and how she handles a crisis.

 

Never marry for any reason other than you love that person with all your heart and you want to live the rest of your life with her, faults and all.

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but I don't have $8,000 for a ring and that's the kind she was looking at.
Zoinks!

 

I might have missed this in the story but you've been dating for four months and she's pregnant with your baby? Most relationships don't even last to the 6 month mark, let alone push for marriage and $8K rings at this point. I agree with the others, you can be a good father and not be married to her. It's unfortunate (for lack of a better word) that fate or circumstance has made you be future parents so early when you're just still getting to know each other.

 

Given my history, the cynical part of me can't help but wonder if she's "of a certain age" and got accidentally pregnant on purpose because she's tired of being alone/unmarried. And before anyone slams me for that, that's how I got my stepmother and two half-siblings.

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She totally could have gotten accidentaly pregnant on purpose. Or it could be another man's baby that she's trying to pass off as his, especially given that they barely know each other and live far apart.

 

And who even thinks of expensive diamonds when they're expecting their first child? I would have thought the priority would be on setting up a stable life for the child. Unless she's already loaded or something, I don't know the full story obviously. But that just seems wacky.

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If she's worried about her reputation now she should have thought of that before she hopped into bed. In her 30's she's plenty old enough to think of the consequences of her actions.

 

You barely know the first thing about her, don't marry her.

 

After the baby is born get a paternity test done and then go from there.

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^

I thought the same thing... OP may have been "trapped"

 

OP, four months of dating and a pregnancy is no reason to marry, especially not when you are still reeling from a breakup. It's not a recipe for a happy life together, it's a recipe for discord and eventually divorce.

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Just me; but put your foot down, man. Tell her no, dont be a push-over. Tell her you are not getting her an engagement ring, and you wont be marrying so soon. If chaos starts after that - then so be it, you arent happy at your current state anyway so stop playing along. She think she has control because she has her kid? If anything, she should be more careful or appreciative and patient because she has your kid to avoid you walking off and her being a single parent in the household (which is my book is the most unfortunate and saddest thing to happen during a pregnancy). Its usually the other way around with the guy being a controlling jerk when his woman his preggo, i dont understand what "threat" or what control she has over you.

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Oh dear.. Yet another couple who put the cart before the horse!

 

4 months is not a long time to be dating. You (allegedly) knocked up a rebound and now she's pressuring for marriage. I understand pregnancy complicates things but remember you have only been dating for 4 months.

 

I even seen my therapist who advised me to do nothing till i am completely sure. I have no problem getting engaged but I don't have $8,000 for a ring and that's the kind she was looking at. I think that she should be more understanding on the whole engagement issue and accept a ring of any size because we can always upgrade in the future right?

 

Your therapist has given you good advice. Do not compound one mistake with another.

 

As you two are having problems and are arguing about where to live you absolutely should NOT get engaged. I'm all for marriage and starting a family but you two are rushing it, and have done it in the wrong order. First be certain she is the woman you want to spend you life with before you even THINK about proposing or buying a ring.

 

Yes I told her let's see a counselor or someone who can be a mediator between us. I am a firefighter and cannot leave Indiana she live in Il and can go anywhere. We both been at our careers for 15 years and I made it clear I cannot leave the state due to an ordinance in IN. I am really trying my best but never seems to be enough.

 

The counselor is a good idea. Slow this down.

 

The pregnancy cannot wait. She will have the baby before the end of the year. However, your relationship with her is SEPARATE from impending parenthood. You can be a good father without being her husband. If you two are meant to be together, you have the rest of your life to build a life together as a couple. If she wants to end the relationship because you don't acquiesce to her demands to have an instant family then that tells you a lot about her.

 

Tell her honestly, "This is moving too fast for me. I care about you and I'm excited to become a father but we have only been dating four months. We still need to get to know each other and I feel that getting married right now would be a mistake. We should get married because we both feel ready for that step in our hearts, not due to external factors. If we weren't expecting a baby we would be in a different place in our relationship so accelerating the timeline for marriage isn't right."

 

If you two decide to continue your relationship, once the baby is born do not forget to be a couple. If you focus only on the baby and do not make time for each other you will grow farther apart.

 

This isn't an easy situation and I wish you the best, OP. Again, if you cannot communicate how you feel without fear of her blowing up then it may be a sign that this isn't a heathy relationship. It can't be all about what one person wants. She is scared and wants to feel supported (emotionally). Talk with her and find a win/win solution where you can do that without giving into her desire to marry for appearances sake (the whole, "what will people think?" train of thought is a terrible reason to do anything -- let alone get married!).

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YOU are right- you do not need to be thinking about something like marriage. That will not change anything, only make things harder than they already are! SHE needs to accept this!

 

As for you & your past relation? It is affecting you because you're not over it and haven't dealt with it, before you moved on into this one, which has put more pressures on you- expecting child and all?

So yes, your burdens are building...

 

If you two can't get it together.. work together and get along, then it's just going to end up another fail. Things have moved way too fast, too soon, haven't they?

 

I suggest you ask the gf to relax and don't push you. And remain with your therapy. I feel you do need some help through this as I can feel your pressures. Keep working on it and speak to your therapist about your past issues as well.

 

good luck

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I'm in agreement, you do not need to be talking about marriage and definitely should not be worrying about rings. What you can discuss with her is parenting this child as the relationship stands right now, how it will work with 2 of you in different locations. Being good parents is the priority. I'm not impressed with her reputation argument.

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And who even thinks of expensive diamonds when they're expecting their first child? I would have thought the priority would be on setting up a stable life for the child.
Frankly, if I found out that I was pregnant by a man I had only been dating for 4 months, I would be in too much shock to be demanding $8K engagement rings. Or an engagement ring of any price. I would be too busy freaking out over what I had done, how it was going to affect my life, whether or not I could be a mother/parent to be demanding marriage. I don't think I would even consider marrying someone I knew for 4 months, knocked up or not. It's not like this is the 1950's and someone's daddy is going to get his shotgun and make him marry his knocked up baby girl before the shame comes on the family. There just seems to be a degree of calculation here to me somehow.

 

And I'm not 100% certain on this but I think you can get paternity testing done before a baby is born. If I were the OP, I would be looking into that.

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I agree with everything that has been said here. Protect yourself legally. Get a Pat. test done when the baby is born, tell her you are not ready to get engaged and you don't want to discuss it again for a while, tell you you will be there to support her and the baby but right now you just wan to focus on getting through the birth of your child and creating a healthy, stable relationship.

 

I do have to wonder if she is going off the wall because of hormones. Women can have wildly different reactions to pregnancy. If you can watch the movie "What to expect when your expecting" its not a good movie but does a great job at showing how being pregnant is very easy for some and insanely difficult for others. For example, my sister could not handle the smell of ANY food except eggos for the first three months of her pregnancy. Her partner basically could not use the kitchen during that time.

 

It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing. Keep it up. Just be sure to have that DNA test done.

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Tell her not to contact you again until the baby is born. Then don't respond to her for a week or two. Clear your head some without having to listen to her nagging.

 

No, don't do this. If this kid is yours she could use that to restrict you from seeing the kid after he born. Keep up your support and get the DNA test done.

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No, don't do this. If this kid is yours she could use that to restrict you from seeing the kid after he born. Keep up your support and get the DNA test done.

 

Howso? He owes no support at this point at all. He doesn't know the baby is his, and unless OP tells us how far along she is, I'm not convinced she's even pregnant. How is saying not to contact him until the baby is born so a test can be done grounds to restrict him from the child..please explain?

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Howso? He owes no support at this point at all. He doesn't know the baby is his, and unless OP tells us how far along she is, I'm not convinced she's even pregnant. How is saying not to contact him until the baby is born so a test can be done grounds to restrict him from the child..please explain?

 

She goes to court and say, "He left us, had no interest in his kid. Look at this text message/listen to this message." Then the judge makes him pay child support, gives full custody to the mom, and he can only see the kid when she says so. Best to put up with the crazy right now, just in case it is his kid, and not have to deal with the legal battle down the road.

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Her being pregnant should not be a determining factor in getting engaged, period.

 

You're talking about til death do you part. If her behavior is making you wonder how you can even compromise in a relationship, marriage is definitely not a practical step - or engagement.

 

And spending 8 grand on a ring when pregnant, unless you've got a hefty savings account, own your own place, and can consider it an expense that wouldn't be taking away from anything else, is frivolous and irresponsible.

 

She's an adult. She should know better. Hormones or not, counseling is in order. While I can attest emotions tend to fluctuate more - being pregnant does NOT stop brain function - and this woman needs to get a grip.

 

Is she a church member? If so, maybe some counseling there might help - most offer premarital couples counseling to ensure the couple is getting married for the right reasons.

 

Her school may also offer some counseling services.

 

But don't go rushing into anything. You can be a supportive BF, if you're still inclined to stay with her. But with only 4 months of history - yes, I'd insist on a paternity test - you just couldn't have known her well enough pre-pregnancy to know what history may have preceded you. And she's definitely showing other personality traits than sweet and loving at this time. So proceed with caution.

 

I would also insist on going to her next doctor's appointment. They should be monthly - so she should have one coming in January. If she balks - I would also wonder if this pregnancy is real. If you were taking precautions at ALL, under 4 months is damn quick work to get pregnant.

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thanks to everyone on here. i don't know where i would be if this site never existed. i am taking it slow and had told her this and she gets in the defense mode saying she is not a priority in my life. I explained to her she is a big priority in my life and has been since we have been dating but that does not mean i cannot spend time with my family or friends and if that is too much to ask then we are not meant for each other. i do feel it has a lot to do with her hormones because before she was pregnant she was as sweet as can be. i wonder though she never has had a serious relationship for more than a year and a half and I think it may be because of her controlling behavior which i don't want any part of. I got out of a miserable relationship of two years she would break up with me every three weeks and put me down I don't need more drama i should be happy and I really was till this happened. I want to be a father more than anything and also be in love and married but all has happened so quickly I don't have time to think straight it's a now or never deal with her.

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