boyfriend hung out with a girl who was a jerk to me, behind my back

[spandora]

So, we have this neighbor. She is a platonic friend of my boyfriend's..they met on an online dating site, decided they didn't want to date, and became friends. He helped her get the apartment below us by hooking her up with our landlord.

 

Anyway, I used to be friends with this girl, but she treated me so poorly..canceling plans on me, or flaking..we got into a big argument about her disrespecting my time, and she said a lot of really mean things to me.

 

The other thing is, I find her to be somewhat of an irresponsible loser. She does cocaine..smokes a lot of pot (but then again, so does my bf.)..she fostered a dog in her place without tellign the landlord, and when the landlord found out, she blamed my bf. Totally threw him under the bus. Also, when he lent her his dog cage, she tried to give it away to someone as if it was hers.

 

Now she has a dog PERMANENTLY. She went out and adopted one, yet again, without telling the landlord. She bugs my bf about taking the dog out to pee while she's out of town. She was gone for 2 weeks and had a housesitter and asked my bf to check in on her. Oh, and get this..the dog is a PIT BULL.

 

This girl is still on my boyfriend's FB friends list, and she texted him over a month ago about hanging out to "smoke a bowl." I made it pretty clear to my bf, I didn't feel comfortable w him hanging out with her, esp after she was such a jerk to me.

 

Well, I recently went out of town for a work trip, over a weekend.

 

Over NYE, my bf got really drunk and admitted to me that while I was gone, he hung out with this girl.

 

I am SO mad. I do not want to be one to tell him who to hang out with, but he KNEW I was uncomfortable with it, and I feel he's showing really poor judgment to still want to be friends with this girl.

 

Plus, the fact that he waited til I went out of town, then didn't even tell me about it til he was drunk..it's pretty clear he KNEW it would bother me, yet he did it anyway. That is pretty par for the course for him. I'm so sick of it.

Meanwhile, he acts like I'm a nagging mother. AND he's saying stupid things like, "I should just not introduce you to any more of my friends, cuz you might have problems with THEM."

 

Let's see..if any more of your friends are coke sniffing potheads who act irresponsibly, then throw their friends under the bus when they get busted..well yeah, there's gonna be big problems.

[missmarple]

Anyway, I used to be friends with this girl, but she treated me so poorly..canceling plans on me, or flaking..we got into a big argument about her disrespecting my time, and she said a lot of really mean things to me.

 

What exactly did she say when you had that argument and does your boyfriend know the details?

[pippy longstocking]

I presume this is the guy you where leaving ?

 

you have an endless list of why you two shouldnt be together and this just seems like one more thing to add to it .

I wonder why you havent gone already .

[bulletproof]

Let's see..if any more of your friends are coke sniffing potheads who act irresponsibly, then throw their friends under the bus when they get busted..well yeah, there's gonna be big problems.

 

Do you think perhaps your boyfriend is on the irresponsible side also? It may be that he likes to hang out with people who are doing these things because he doesn't really see anything wrong with it. In which case, I'd say the issue is with him, not with his friends.

[DancingFool]

Do you think perhaps your boyfriend is on the irresponsible side also? It may be that he likes to hang out with people who are doing these things because he doesn't really see anything wrong with it. In which case, I'd say the issue is with him, not with his friends.

 

My thoughts exactly. If your bf is drawn to people like that, he is not much different.

 

Also, you are kind of acting maternal and a bit controlling by trying to protect him from them and telling him what's right and wrong. He is a grown up and he knows what he is doing. You can either accept him as is or you can't and need to move on. You won't change him. Remember that who someone is friends with is a great reflection of who they really are inside.

[shelty24]

Why are you even with this guy? Hes obviously shady, irresponsible and untrustworthy and how do you know nothing happened between them? Two stoners who are attracted to each other alone together... doesnt really take a genius to figure it out does it

[Kendahke]

You have two choices:

 

1. accept that he;'s going to be friends with this woman despite how you feel about it

 

or

 

2. bounce.

 

 

You can't tell a grown man who he can and can't be friends with. The only thing you can do is remove your person from close proximity to him. That's it.

 

It's clear he's not really interested in your opinion about this friend and he's not going to allow you to choose his friends as if you were his mother.

 

Know what your choices are and exercise them.

[stuka80]

I can speak for myself only but i always keep a distance and never hang out with people that either my significant other or my friends are enemies with or do not like, even if i personally have nothing against those people, simply out of loyalty and consideration for people i actually care about. I value my SO and friends alot more than some random person who wants to hang out. Your boyfriend doesn't really show consideration or respect to you.

[spandora]

THANK YOU!!!! That's exactly how *I* feel.

 

I can speak for myself only but i always keep a distance and never hang out with people that either my significant other or my friends are enemies with or do not like, even if i personally have nothing against those people, simply out of loyalty and consideration for people i actually care about. I value my SO and friends alot more than some random person who wants to hang out. Your boyfriend doesn't really show consideration or respect to you.

[spandora]

He is SUCH AN IDIOT! I have most of my stuff in storage; now I'm working on packing up the few remaining things I have.

 

We just got into a big fight over the phone because he was basically defending her having a pit bull. Even though he has three cats..sometimes one of them gets out of the apartment and goes into the hall..and he has a 14 yr old son who could be put at risk. This chick isn't even supposed to HAVE a dog in the apartment-the landlord made that pretty clear when she was fostering the OTHER dog.

 

But my ex doesn't want to make waves with her, so he's totally fine having this dog downstairs. I'm not slagging all pitbulls..I know some people defend them, but even my ex says, pitbulls have the highest rate of attacking other animals and people. He has expressed his disapproval of them in the past, now suddenly..it's no big deal??

 

I am not feeling safe also, because this girl is so irresponsible..I doubt she even made a good choice when getting the dog.

 

I pointed out that if the dog attacks someone, the landlord is liable. Despite the fact that my ex GOT her the apartment, he doesn't seem to care about the landlord's liability.

 

This is all so freakin' shady to me--we screamed at each other over the phone for an hour. I truly think something is wrong with him. I think smoking too much pot has ruined his brain cells.

 

This girl brings in a dog she's not supposed to have, potentially endangering his cats..she's called his gf names..but he thinks it's totally cool to smoke a bowl with her. Yeah..I am so throwing him out of my life.

[missmarple]

I think he might be into her. It doesn't make sense to act like this over some random acquaintance.

[spandora]

I agree. At the same time, he does a lot of stuff that makes no sense to me, on a regular basis. That's part of why I gotta get out.

 

I think he might be into her. It doesn't make sense to act like this over some random acquaintance.

[spandora]

Oh and btw, I told him I was gonna notify the landlord that the chick has a dog..and he said, I should move out as soon as I do that, because he would want me OUT for starting trouble for him. I

 

He also, said, this is all about "me not getting my own way."

 

hate him.

[lavenderdove]

Don't assume they aren't sleeping together... because if he goes out of his way to do special 'favors' with her and he goes to her house to do drugs, then really it's just a small leap to having sex with her too while they tell each other it is just 'casual'.

 

And druggies like to hang with druggies. If you're not into drugs and he is, then maybe he sees her as someone he can 'be himself' with (i.e., be the stoner that he really is) and he presents a different side to you. I see this not only as potential cheating that you haven't caught them at yet, but also as a sign that you have different morals and goals in life. He may not be the man for you if he likes to hang out with women like her.

[spandora]

I agree. Thank goodness, I got a call back on an apartment I applied for. If there wasn't tons of snow on the ground here, I would try to move now.

 

This girl does coke..gets into fights..barely pays her rent on time..I am still puzzled as to why he's always defending her. BTW I didn't reply to the person who asked, does he know what went down when she and I fought..yeah, he knows. Multiple times, she'd make plans with me, then flake, or not show up for 2 hours. After the last time this happened, I decided to cut ties with her. I was texting her about a DVD of mine that she had borrowed. She kept claiming she gave it back to me, and I knew she hadn't.

 

I kept texting her back.. look for it. I know you have it. Or you're gonna have to pay me for it.

 

She then texted my bf and said "tell your gf to stop texting me." HE GOT MAD AT ME! And he brought this up again last night. Instead of giving ME the benefit of the doubt and not seeing that she was just trying to get me off her back, he took her side.

 

Anyway, that's all moot. I'm leaving..it will be a good move. I'm happy about it. It's way past time.

 

Don't assume they aren't sleeping together... because if he goes out of his way to do special 'favors' with her and he goes to her house to do drugs, then really it's just a small leap to having sex with her too while they tell each other it is just 'casual'.

 

And druggies like to hang with druggies. If you're not into drugs and he is, then maybe he sees her as someone he can 'be himself' with (i.e., be the stoner that he really is) and he presents a different side to you. I see this not only as potential cheating that you haven't caught them at yet, but also as a sign that you have different morals and goals in life. He may not be the man for you if he likes to hang out with women like her.

[spandora]

Thing is, if you guys go back and look at my posts..I clung on to the crumbling foundation of this relationship for a LONGGGG time. I tried and tried and tried. I gave him so many chances. He told me 6 months ago, he was going to get counseling to work on the mean way he talks to me, or takes his problems out on me..he never did. He was king of "saying what she wants to hear to get her to stay but doing nothing." I honestly cannot say I didn't try my butt off, to make things work.

 

There is only so much disrespect one person can take.

[Kendahke]

The landlord is a big boy... he can evict your boyfriend and his friend for violating the lease if it bothered him that much. Clearly, he knows a dog is on his property---they bark---and he's choosing to not make a big deal of it.

[lavenderdove]

Good for you! Get out before this goes to the very sordid end of discovering he is actually cheating with her and doing coke himself as well. Most drug abusers are skilled liars to hide the extent and severity of their drug use, so it is better you get out before he gives you HIV from experimenting with intravenous drug use, which may or may not have already happened. And get yourself tested immediately because his behavior is shady at best, and you don't know what he's been up to.

[Leona700]

Anyone doing anything behind your back brings reason for concern.. Sometimes it's not what they are doing but it's about how they see their relationship with you..this man does not respect you..now if you chose to stay you will drag your relationship longer and he will continue to do the same..if you chose to go make sure that you are doing so because you reolize that this man does not respect you... Do not make this about the girl you don't like.. Make this about you and him..the hardest part is not what they are doing but how they truly feel about you in the inside..be strong and you will find the right path for yourself

[spandora]

yeah..I have tried and tried to express this to him...that I feel disrespected.

 

He's the one who always harps on each individual conflict and makes it about THAT. When I suggest maybe he has an ulterior motive for not having told me about him and this girl, until he was wasted (he thinks that counts as telling me; I do not. You don't hide something from someone for weeks, then reveal it only when you've had too much to drink..that doesn't make someone trust you..), then he accuses me of "making stuff up."

 

I get accused of that a lot. It's a way for him to invalidate my feelings, so he doesn't have to accept any responsibility for his own behavior. This has been the hallmark characteristic of our relationship conflicts, and this behavior has made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to be with him. Yet..he still doesn't see it, because he's so defensive and having to protect his own self-image.

 

Funny isn' it? That the very thing I am complaining to him about, makes him totally incapable of understanding why I'm complaining.

 

I've said til I am blue in the face, that there is a consistent pattern of him disrespecting my wishes, concerns, need for safety, my need to feel like someone's "got my back" and looking out for me...I may as well be speaking GREEK. Having to constantly reiterate the same thing, over and over again, and not be listened to..is enough to drive you bonkers.

 

Then we argue about it, with me turning red from frustration cuz he's NOT GETTING what I'm trying to say, and then he can accuse me of being crazy. Go figure.

 

Anyone doing anything behind your back brings reason for concern.. Sometimes it's not what they are doing but it's about how they see their relationship with you..this man does not respect you..now if you chose to stay you will drag your relationship longer and he will continue to do the same..if you chose to go make sure that you are doing so because you reolize that this man does not respect you... Do not make this about the girl you don't like.. Make this about you and him..the hardest part is not what they are doing but how they truly feel about you in the inside..be strong and you will find the right path for yourself

[spandora]

I do not think he was doing coke, as he did it once before on a construction job, and I made it totally clear, that is a dealbreaker. I appreciate your concern, though.

 

For me, yes, it is puzzling that he chooses to defend this girl so much (he doesn't even see it as defending her. He justifies his attitude by saying "her having a dog isn't my business, and I can't do anything about it." Which isn't true..he could totally inform the landlord. The landlord is his friend. Said landlord got upset last time she was only FOSTERING a dog, because she brought the dog in behind his back. She then blamed my bf for it..threw him under the bus, was his exact words.

 

It IS his business, because he has a cat that likes to try to sneak out whenever the front door is opened..I could easily see the cat sneaking out when she brings the dog out, and she is so irresponsible, I wouldn't trust her to keep the dog on a leash.

 

My ex is a vet tech, and he has even said, most of the animal attacks that come into his hospital, were pitbulls attacking other animals. He himself has said he's not a fan of pittbulls. Now suddenly, he's not concerned about any of this? Whenever I bring up the potential risk of the cat being attacked, he goes "That's NOT going to happen." I ask him, what, are you psychic? I think he is NUTS.

 

ALSO

 

Let's assume, tho, that there's nothing sexual between them. I am still upset that he chooses to hang out with this girl behind my back, even if it's just as friends, when she was such a JERK to both me and him.

 

In other words, I still feel I have reason to be upset, even if nothing happened sexually between them.

 

 

Good for you! Get out before this goes to the very sordid end of discovering he is actually cheating with her and doing coke himself as well. Most drug abusers are skilled liars to hide the extent and severity of their drug use, so it is better you get out before he gives you HIV from experimenting with intravenous drug use, which may or may not have already happened. And get yourself tested immediately because his behavior is shady at best, and you don't know what he's been up to.

[spandora]

Actually, the dog doesn't bark that much, and we live in a small house where the landlord doesn't live. It's likely he DOESN'T know. He only found out about the foster dog by accident, and he wasn't happy about it, at all. I can't imagine he would let her keep a permanent dog here.

 

The landlord is a big boy... he can evict your boyfriend and his friend for violating the lease if it bothered him that much. Clearly, he knows a dog is on his property---they bark---and he's choosing to not make a big deal of it.

[silversoul]

Hi, my situation is somewhat similar to yours. My ex became friends with a pot smoking girl, I got jealous, he just was defending her and chose friendship with her over our relationship. I can give more details if you are interested

[spandora]

I'm so f**** ANGRY right now. I have to stay in the same house with him for a few more days before I can move out, and he's being such a d***

 

He's poking fun at me for thinking something was going on between him and the neighbor. He's calling me "nuts", and blaming me for the relationship crumbling..

 

I know I shouldn't care what he says but I am so mad that he can't see his part in ANYTHING!!!!

[bulletproof]

I'm so f**** ANGRY right now. I have to stay in the same house with him for a few more days before I can move out, and he's being such a d***

 

He's poking fun at me for thinking something was going on between him and the neighbor. He's calling me "nuts", and blaming me for the relationship crumbling..

 

I know I shouldn't care what he says but I am so mad that he can't see his part in ANYTHING!!!!

 

If it's over, do you have to have a discussion about it at all? It takes two people to argue. Stop engaging in it. Or if he's making fun, just say yes, you're right, I'm crazy, and move on.

 

Don't you have any friends you can stay over with until you move?