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Am I a Bad Person? || Help Please?


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Hi everyone i'm very distraught I feel awful.

 

My ex dumped me twice.

 

I shouldn't have given her the first chance to begin with but I fell in love with her. Our 2nd breakup was especially hard on me because she didn't give me full closure, she told me that it was due to differences in religious beliefs and on top of that she didn't even break up with me in person or over the phone, she did it through text which completely destroyed me. I know people change but she promised me on many occasions and told me I was the perfect guy for her. I AM the perfect guy for her but seriously she left me because of Religion? True love is so hard to find these days and she gave up a man who would have treated her right because her pastor told her that I could possibly be a terrorist and beat her? The relationship itself was fairly abusive (emotionally) as she would play mind games with me. I forgave her every time because she had a difficult childhood (drugs, sex, abuse). However, due to her just vanishing out of my life I turned to drugs (marijuana and cipralex) to help cope with the anxiety/loss/sleepless nights etc. Now I use marijuana as a crutch to cope with life.

 

Anyway, after about 5 months NC I got drunk and contacted her and she begged me to talk with her. We talked as 'friends' for about 4 months and the mind games continued. She asked me to construct her a playlist (theme was love, duh!), she told me she and I had changed and that I intrigued her and that I meant the world to her...and that she still loved me. So, after being strung along for 4 months as 'friends' she texted me one day and told me she found someone. About 2 months prior to this I had a dream that she found someone and did not want to talk to me anymore...I so should have left when the signs started appearing but I was so, so stupid. I said goodbye, goodluck and what not you know? I took the high road.

 

6 days NC later I get the urge to see who her new guy is and I find him. I was very disappointed in who I found out she was seeing. He was a thug. Like literally no class, wearing his life savings around his neck...you know what I mean. The girl I loved would never, ever date a guy like that so why now? To get back at me? Because he was of her own religion? Because she's desperate? I'm completing my undergrad this semester and I don't want to brag but i'm quite the catch - I have everything a woman could possibly want. Why would you throw away true love just like that?

 

So I did something very bad. I broke NC and raged at her, slandering her in every way imaginable.

 

I hate her for what she did to me, but I don't because she taught me how to love. She is not the woman I fell for and I know I would never take her back now that I know what kind of men she is interested in but I feel so bad...I said awful things to her.

 

She herself told me she was not real with me during this 2 year on and off relationship and she implied that she was not sincere (slept around). I know now it was a toxic relationship for me and beneficial for her.

 

I don't know what to do. Obviously I can never talk to her again, I blocked her on all social media and my phone. So I guess NC is the way to go?

 

Am I a bad person?

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I understand your pain but you were in 'friends' mode with her, you were broken up.. I'm sure after some time she will understand that you raged at he because you were emotional. But at least you learned the lesson and you won't be in a situation like this again. You acknowledge it was a toxic relationship, so move on and don't stalk her anymore or her boyfriend

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I won't stalk them ever again however, how can I just move on like that? She was the first one to teach me how to love unselfishly even though she was selfish herself. I'm such a mixed bag of emotions right now I don't know what to do.

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You need to work on yourself now so that one day you will meet someone who can love you the way you want it. Instead of using drugs to escape the reality of your situation, concentrate on your degree, work out, meet new people. You will love again and you will feel better. Emotions you are feeling are natural and with time you will get better. Read this guide link removed and also I recommend forum Healing after the break-up on this website, you will find lots of good threads there.

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