Jump to content

Marriage Problems - Sorry if this is long!


lisam09

Recommended Posts

I'm having marriage problems and just need to vent.

 

I am 35, he is 39, we have a 3-year-old son together, and he has a 12-year-old daughter from his first marriage.

 

We've had a lot of tragedy in our family over the last 3 years and stress levels have been very high.

 

My husband has turned on me and blames me for a lot of the external issues that we don't always have control over. He is constantly angry and blames me for everything that goes wrong in our lives.

 

Our son has Autism, his daughter is struggling in school and with her own mother, and we've had multiple deaths and serious tragedies in our family that has taken a toll on our lives and marriage.

 

We are under financial strain as well. My husband is a stay-at-home Dad to our special needs son. I appreciate everything he does for him. I work full time outside of the home and do the best I can to provide for our family.

 

He gets angry at me and goes into rages over the smallest things: I don't put the dishes in the dishwasher correctly, I didn't put salt and pepper on our son's food his way.

 

My husband does not help with any chores and expects me to handle the brunt of everything. Finances, working, managing a home, caring for our son when I am home, and doing 100% of everything.

 

I'm lucky if I can get him to do laundry and take out the trash and maybe do the dishes.

 

He refuses to clean, organize, put things away, and will criticize me the minute I walk in the door after work about how the house is a mess even though I've been gone working all day and he's been at home.

 

If I have to work, he will mock me and say "You have a JOB, you are SPECIAL" to make me feel bad because I couldn't respond to his demands because I had obligations at work.

 

I feel like I'm being bullied, judged, and criticized for everything I do. I am constantly in the wrong, and never right.

 

I know I have faults, but he tries to ridicule everything in my life and makes me feel like a worthless person.

 

He tells his parents bad things about me and they too judge me while he calls me names and bullies me. He tells me I have an ego problem.

 

I have "given up" and have stopped helping with chores because if I do help, I will be verbally and emotionally abused about it not being good enough or not done his way.

 

I'm at the point where doing nothing is a better alternative to being constantly verbally abused. I personally have a hard time wanting to help someone who is so cruel.

 

I've been called every name in the book, and put down constantly. He told me recently that he puts me in the same category as a child molester. Not that I'm a child molester, but I'm an "ugly person" in the same way.

 

I don't have any friends and have no one to talk to or confide in. I don't go out, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I've never done drugs. I've never cheated or thought about cheating.

 

I haven't been remembered for any holiday, birthday, or anniversary since 2004. He tells me I don't deserve it and I don't need anything. I didn't ask for material things, just an acknoledgement that I exist. A letter, a note, a poem, anything.

 

I feel alone and if I try to defend myself to how I feel, I'm "crazy" and "not right in the head". He judges me and criticizes me all day and I am not allowed to say anything to the contrary.

 

I realize and accept that marriage is a 2-way street. I married him, some of it I need to suck up and deal with.

 

Sometimes I just need to know I'm loved and appreciated instead of constant ridicule and verbal abuse.

 

He is bi-polar and I knew this when I married him. He managed his health well until the tragedy started happening in our lives that was out of our control. The first 4 years of our marriage were very normal and very happy.

 

Since the tragedy started happening in 2010, he has had two emotional breakdowns and he has turned on me.

 

I feel lost, afraid, and confused. I try to step-parent his daughter and if I try to help, I'm told I'm overstepping my bounds. If I don't get involved in certain things, I'm told I'm neglecting her.

 

I know I am depressed because of the way he treats me and I have asked him to attend marriage counseling with me but he won't.

 

I have tried to tell him hundreds of times that I feel the way I feel because of how he treats me. I have no self-esteem and I am made to feel like I am a burden to my family.

 

He's even said as much to me. That I make things worse when I'm around. I question every part of my life now, and second-guess myself 24/7.

 

He doesn't respect my job or efforts to financially provide for our family. He wonders why I don't make more money than I do. I have 2 college degrees and up until he turned on me, I used to think I was a somewhat decent person. I have great job stability and have been at my current job for 8 years.

 

I know I'm not perfect but there are days I just can't do it anymore.

 

I want to pack up our son and leave, but my son has 6 therapy apponitments a week for Autism, I do need my husband's help to care for our son, and I have no backup plan or any place to go if we were to leave.

 

My nearest family is 4 hours away and I have no friends to talk to or help.

 

I know that our relationship is unhealthy and I want things to change, but even if he stopped harrassing me about one thing, it would just move on to something else.

 

I know everyone is going to tell me to leave him, and deep down in my heart I know I should for my own sanity, but my son needs us more.

 

I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your husband sounds unreasonable. How much savings do you have in the bank?

 

You may need to move back home, even if that means leaving your job. See a lawyer first. With your son's special needs you two will need to have joint custody. Make sure you have your finances in order. He will pursue alimony. Make sure if you have direct deposit you change to go in an account in your name only.

 

You are financing his lifestyle yet he's treating you like dirt. Let him go back to work and support himself. You are not a meal ticket.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel for you. That is tough for anybody and you are doing an admirable job. Clearly he has emotional issues. You and him do need counselling. Even if things are over, you share a child together and the counselling will pay dividends for what happens after.

 

But right now it's not over and so I think you need to make this counselling a priority. Otherwise things will NOT just improve on their own. Change does not happen by accident.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He obviously needs help. He has some major issues from whatever event that happened. He doesnt know how to control his emotions and he doesnt know what he wants since you can do right in his mind. You will never win this game. He needs help and is not willing to get any.

 

You have a 3 yr old son together? Your son has autism. And you think that staying together with this crazy man is "good" for him?? He is very impressionable at this age. Like a sponge. He is soaking up every little thing your husband is saying to you and the way he is treating you. Im not sure the legal part of your living situation, but it sounds like you need to tell him he needs to leave and file for divorce and full custody of that boy. Your husband is no good for your son if he is treating you that way. If he owns the house or something, you need to go find a little studio apt and put your son in daycare. Im sure if you have been at your job for 8 years they will understand you may need some time off to take care of these issues. There could be some help from the state since your son is disabled. The ultimate goal here is that you need to get out of this relationship if he is not willing to change. And you said he wont go to therapy, so you cannot help him because he will not take the help. Do if for your baby, if the situation is bad, its not fair to keep your baby in it. It WILL affect him later on in life. You second guess your self everyday? Your husband is breaking you down into nothing! How is that good for your child either? Just get out. Its for the best to keep yourself sane and healthy and your son needs a normal life. I wish you the best.......

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Many men do not feel valuable unless they are working. I really think that if you are strained with working and he is strained from taking care of your son, then see if you have the funds to hire someone to come in two days a month to do the heavy cleaning - the floors, bathroom, kitchen. It can really be a marriage saver. And also, is there any way you would consider a caregiver part time so that your husband could work outside the home sometimes? Even if his salary were to be partially wiped out by it? Also, are you working with your local school district - some have special needs programs and may even have a special preschool. Being home full time with a special needs child can take a toll an on top of a lot of men's innate need to be a provider, this could be something to look into.

 

Have you had issues with your husband BEFORE your son came along or was everything pretty decent until your husband started to stay home and with all the deaths?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP

 

I feel so bad for you in this situation. I'm sure both you and your husband are stressed out to the max. Honestly it sounds like you need to gather up some resources. Surely your husband isn't the only person on the planet that can care for your son during the day. Do you have family nearby? It may be helpful to have someone come in to assist your husband and learn the ropes while he's there supervising - then if need be, you can have that person act as a babysitter when your son gets to know them better. Perhaps both of you need time off. Your husband may also be mourning - everyone wants a "normal" child and he's in the difficult situation of being face to face every day with it.

 

Does your son or family qualify for any type of financial help due to the autism? Any kind of disability $??

 

The way things have been going isn't healthy for you at all. Marriages are hard enough when the children are healthy but they tend to fail much more frequently when a child is autistic. Many other parents are in the same situation as you. I'm sure there are local support groups for parents of children with autism. Take a night off, go to one of those and talk to the other parents. I'm sure many of them are in the same situation as you - one parent working, the other parent care taking - and they might be able to hook you up with some resources or advice.

 

Things really shouldn't continue status quo because it's completely clear from your post just how mentally and emotionally exhausted and stressed out you are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think your husband is acting disrespectfully and unfairly but as the stay at home parent I will say this - I think it's hard sometimes to relate to what it's like to be the full time caregiver to a 3 year old and it must be even more difficult for a child with delays or behavioral issues. Does your son go to some type of school? That might give your husband a bit of a break. Having said that please understand that I don't think your husband is acting fairly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My grandmother has bipolar disorder. In general she takes her medication every day, sees a doctor regularly and manages her illness very well. She does have manic episodes-the last one was over 3 years ago-the one before that was 4 years prior to the last.. Its a difficult illness and certainly not easy for a spouse or children. I feel for you.

 

My cousins husband also has BPD. Tgey have a 9 year old son. Any time her husband has an episode she leaves with their son and doesn't come back until hes normal again. I know prob not the best way to handle it but what is the alternative?

 

You cannot stick around and allow him to treat you this way-ill or not. Nobody deserves this treatment. He needs to see a doctor-his medication may have stopped working-he may need to try something else. He may also need to be signed in to a psychiatric facility temporarily until the illness is under control again.

 

You have an ill husband and a special needs son. No family near by, no friends, unsupportive in laws.. you cannot go on like this. You need people near by or else one day you will end up having a breakdown. Something needs to change

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...