Am I the only one having sn EXTREMELY hard time going through with divorce?

[ilovemykids]

I have been married for over 4.5 years and we have two kids (2 year old boy, 6 month old girl). My husband has cheated on me and is obsessed with porn and looking at other woman. I know I probably should get a divorce, but for some reason I can never go through with it. I've told him in a very serious manner 3 different times that I want a divorce, but he always talks me into staying. I don't know why it's near impossible for me to go through with it. I'm sure getting a divorce is never easy, but this is really frustrating me that I can't make a final decision. I can't commit to staying with him and trying the best I can to fix our marriage, yet I can't commit to divorce and moving on. Every day, every little decision, is so confusing because I don't know what I'll end up doing. Do we install backsplash in our kitchen? Do I order new personal checks since I'm all out? I am having SUCH a hard time and I want to know if anyone else went through this struggle of indecision. Thank you.

[ilovemykids]

I need to add that I have family I can move in with, I work full time from home and make as much, if not more than my husband, I have a car, etc, in other words, I am not worried about not being able to take care of myself or my children.

[savignon]

Its a very hard decision to make but, as mentioned in your other similar threads...you'll eventually get to the end of your rope and that's when the decision to leave will be so clear that you'll do it. Staying won't feel like an option anymore.

You'll get there. You're getting closer and closer with every thread you post. You're nearing your tolerance level and the next thing, which may be less awful than a lot of other things he's done, will be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and suddenly you'll have a surge of energy and make all the arrangements you need to make to move on.

It'll happen. 100% sure of it.

[nick66]

Do you or your children deserve to be put through that? Your children are still young, but they deserve a mother whose happy.

 

It's hard taking that step, but believe me, once it's done you'll wonder why you waited so long.

[Catherine_3]

There are two kinds of moms: Those who make it work and those who don't.

 

If it's not working, then your job as a mother is to stand up and fix it.

[lavenderdove]

All of us have hopes and dreams that are so hard to let go of... nobody gets married thinking they'll get divorced, especially when children get involved.

 

But if your husband is a repeat cheater who never changes, this will only get worse and more unbearable over time. I personally think if you are going to leave, it is better to do it when they're this young because they will handle a divorce better than school aged children would... it will just be 'normal' for them if Mom and Dad live apart if that is all they remember, and it will be at this age.

 

The only other suggestion I have is that if you really can't decide, either get some marriage counseling or personal counseling to help you make that decision. And if your husband won't agree to REALLY commit to your marriage and attend counseling, then he doesn't really want to be married. He may see his 'job' as being to appease you whenever you catch him cheating, not to actually STOP cheating. Some men just can't/won't do monogamy!

[Edmund Exley]

Getting a divorce was one of the toughest things I have ever been through, but I know that having someone cheat on me and expect me to stay and live with that would be far worse.

[nick66]

Getting a divorce was one of the toughest things I have ever been through, but I know that having someone cheat on me and expect me to stay and live with that would be far worse.

 

Amen brother. I'm second best to nobody.

[Justagirl19]

Cheating in my book is NOT tolerated, and Im am the most indecisive person ever!! i cant decide what to eat for dinner sometimes i want my kids to choose. And there are a couple users that have commented on your post that know my story, and i finally made that decision to get out of my unhealthy relationship for my children's sake. It is only going to get worse, and if he has cheated more than once and you have stayed, he isnt going to stop, and your always going to be wondering and the trust is just gone now. Like one user said, if your doing to do a divorce, do it now while the kids are still young. There are studies that prove school aged children have emotional issues as an adult from going through divorce with their parents. Maybe you could just take the kids and move out, since you have that option, and show him how it could be. He could lose his wife and 2 tiny innocent little babies because of his selfish needs. Maybe he needs a reality check. You keep threatening divorce and he keeps cheating and you keep staying. Nothing is changing. Do something for your self, and your babies. You all 3 deserve better!!!

 

PS, you cant make any decisions because you have no stability and no clue where your life is going.

BTW, you are able to survive and work from home?? Can you tell me your secret?? I am about to lose my job cause i cant afford daycare.

[tmtex]

Once a cheater always a cheater. Dump him to the curb. I assume your what in 30's or less ? Trust me it will get hard then get better and you will look back saying thank god I did it. Now I admit we all ( who were divorced) wished it could of worked out great especially with kids but sometimes it just doesn't work that way

[AutumnBorn]

There are two kinds of moms: Those who make it work and those who don't.

 

If it's not working, then your job as a mother is to stand up and fix it.

 

 

 

In the case of a cheater it is never, ever OK to stay if you have children. You can die. HIV/AIDS. Hepatitis. Children don't deserve to have their faithful mother potentially face a deadly disease while they're so very young.

[catfeeder]

Your paralysis might stem from viewing divorce as the thing you need to do first, as your permission slip to moving forward. Why not trash that idea and work it the other way around? Envision your ideal location and desires for 2014 and take a step or two toward making those happen.

 

For instance, if you want to stay in your home, kick him out. If you want to move, then focus on that.

 

There's no reason to pursue a divorce until YOU decide that it fits in with your plans. Meanwhile, decide the life you want and start living THAT. You can interview and hire the right attorney when it suits you, but I'd put that on top of my TO DO list early to learn whether filing for legal separation offers me any financial protections--such as liberation from any debts cheating husband incurs after that's filed.

[Edmund Exley]

In the case of a cheater it is never, ever OK to stay if you have children. You can die. HIV/AIDS. Hepatitis. Children don't deserve to have their faithful mother potentially face a deadly disease while they're so very young.

 

More importantly who wants their daughter to learn that "You just accept it when your man cheats on you"

[Catherine_3]

In the case of a cheater it is never, ever OK to stay if you have children. You can die. HIV/AIDS. Hepatitis. Children don't deserve to have their faithful mother potentially face a deadly disease while they're so very young.

 

More importantly who wants their daughter to learn that "You just accept it when your man cheats on you"

 

I don't necessarily disagree with you. When I said "making it work", I meant making their life work. If the current situation is not healthy, then you fix it. You don't complain, or make excuses, or feel sorry for yourself. Once you're a mom, you don't have those luxuries. If you need to get a divorce, then you stand up tall, walk out the door, and do whatever you need to do (and I mean WHATEVER) to protect your child from unhappiness and emotional damage.

[AutumnBorn]

I don't necessarily disagree with you. When I said "making it work", I meant making their life work. If the current situation is not healthy, then you fix it. You don't complain, or make excuses, or feel sorry for yourself. Once you're a mom, you don't have those luxuries. If you need to get a divorce, then you stand up tall, walk out the door, and do whatever you need to do (and I mean WHATEVER) to protect your child from unhappiness and emotional damage.

 

 

Yes, I think we're on the same page.

[ilovemykids]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your advice. I do think I'm getting closer to going through with it; it just scares me that I question it sometimes.... I want so badly to be totally confident in my decision. I want to know that without a doubt, I'm making the right decision. That's what has been hard for me. Also, lately I can tell he's trying to show me he loves me, which makes it hard too.

[Liraele]

Change is hard. Divorce, especially with children, is messy... and a lot of work in and of itself. The status quo - even when sucky - is safe, familiar, comfortable.

 

So, it's not particularly surprising that you're struggling with the choice. Both options kind of suck, honestly.

 

It doesn't sound like he's going to change; he's gotten away with it for this long, why would he? You've threatened him with divorce and haven't followed through. Therefore, you've set boundaries with him that allow him to walk all over you. The good news is... you can shift those boundaries at any time, and start following your words with the actions that should go along with them.

 

What you do need to focus on is what will help you be healthy, happy, and well-functioning as the responsible party for your children. Figure that out, and go from there.

[catfeeder]

I want so badly to be totally confident in my decision. I want to know that without a doubt, I'm making the right decision. That's what has been hard for me. That's what has been hard for me. Also, lately I can tell he's trying to show me he loves me, which makes it hard too.

 

These are exactly the reasons separation was invented.

 

You don't need to force your mind to go straight to divorce. That's not a choice you need to make in order to separate.

 

Separation is used by unsure people to learn how life would be without sharing the same home as their partner or spouse. Plenty of couples reconcile after separating, others either divorce or remain separated indefinitely.

 

Point is, you don't need to make the mental leap from zero to divorce in one swoop. Organize your thoughts around how you want to live, then try it out. Husband can use this time to demonstrate whether he believes the marriage is worthwhile to save, and you can either decide based on his cooperative behavior or lack of it, or you can decide based on how life starts to feel on your own over time.

 

Give 'divorce' a break and tend to the practical stuff. Work your way toward that decision in your own time.

[ilovemykids]

Thanks everyone. I came really close to telling him I want a divorce; we had a talk, but for some reason I couldn't quite get the words out. I did tell him I think about divorce a lot, but than like an hour later, he acted like the conversation never happened. It actually really irritates me because it makes me think he doesn't take me serious and probably thinks I'll really never leave. Every time we have one of these talks, I tell myself that if I find one more thing, I'll leave. If i had stuck to that, I would've been gone over a year ago! Ahhh why is it so hard?!

[nick66]

Divorce is very difficult, especially with kids involved. You need to make a decision that's based on what's best for you. How can your kids be happy if their mom is miserable?

 

I of course think that everything should be done to try and save a marriage, but sometimes it just can't be done.

[lavenderdove]

You are taking the line of least resistance. And the line of least resistance is ALWAYS downhill where things usually get worse over time, or at best stay the same. So when you talk about this with him, he doesn't take you seriously because you've never acted on any of these things you tell him. You just talk, and then it goes back to business as usual, or gets worse.

 

Life is hard. You need to make a decision on what you are going to do and do it. If you stay, you know who he is and what he is about and that he's never going to change. So if you stay, you need to make peace with that and just find other things in your life that have meaning to you. Or you can decide you deserve better and don't want to live like this, and that means you will have to call a lawyer and start making your plans to leave. But if you do nothing, you'll just get more of the same and nothing changes, or your relationship just deteriorates even worse as do your spirits and mental health.

 

So it's going to be hard either way, whether you stay or go, just a different set of problems. If you leave, it will be hard for a while, but you have a chance at happiness in future once the dust settles from the divorce. If you stay, you'll just get more of the same from him. Which is the worse alternative for you? And then you'll have to make a decision and accept the consequences rather than continuing to do nothing. Doing nothing by default means you're sticking with a guy who is an unrepentant cheater and doesn't respect you. So you're actually making a choice by doing nothing, whether you realize it or not.

[ilovemykids]

I think another problem I have is that I over think EVERYTHING! We just closed on our home, and if I leave, will we just both keep paying the bills until we sell? Would the bills be evenly split, even if I let him stay in the house while I live with parents? I'm most likely going to get a lawyer (even though they're SO expensive) because I am basically OCD about things being fair and even! We both work, I work full time and he's a contractor so his work comes and goes. I just don't know how it'll work and that stresses me out. I also am still not 100% sure divorce is what I want, I think I hesitate because I feel bad for him and because I am scared to go through with it.

[nick66]

What advice would you give your daughter, once she's an adult, in your situation?

 

Of course it's hard, I have three kids myself so I know how hard it is. Let me tell you this, both of my daughters, ages 11 and 14, have both told me that "mommy doesn't deserve you."

 

Your kids deserve to have parents who are happy and to give them unconditional love. Your husband is a grown man, he'll figure things out.

[lavenderdove]

Sitting around obsessing about all the 'what ifs' won't change anything. You need to investigate and get more information with which to make a decision if you are stuck. I suggest you get some personal counseling to explore whether your issues are mental (depression/OCD) and need medication and treatment to resolve rather than divorce, or whether you need some therapy to help you walk thru the alterantives and get you unstuck so you can decide what is best for you.

 

You also should do research on divorce in your area to see what you could expect in terms of custody issues, child support, splitting finances/debt etc. You should also talk to a real estate agent to see how much money you might lose by selling now, and whether you can afford to split that loss or not. Most likely if you leave, you will both have to keep splitting the mortgage until it sells, then split the loss on the house (if any), or else decide to walk away from the house and wreck your credit. But many couples do continue living in the same house while the house is on the market and until it sells, but some jursidcitions will not let you officially separate and file for divorce until you are not in the same house, and some places do let you live in the same house and file for separation/divorce.

 

Honestly, your best bet to get unstuck and make a decision is to get some personal therapy. You need to either make the jump and leave, or decide you are going to commit to your marriage and work on it and at worst find ways to adjust your attitude so you can live with it as is and let things go rather than driving yourself crazy over it. But living stuck in perpetual indecision doesn't change anything. You need to start researching what your alternatives are and what each alternative will mean so that you can make a decision.

[catfeeder]

I think another problem I have is that I over think EVERYTHING! We just closed on our home, and if I leave, will we just both keep paying the bills until we sell? Would the bills be evenly split, even if I let him stay in the house while I live with parents? I'm most likely going to get a lawyer (even though they're SO expensive) because I am basically OCD about things being fair and even! We both work, I work full time and he's a contractor so his work comes and goes. I just don't know how it'll work and that stresses me out. I also am still not 100% sure divorce is what I want, I think I hesitate because I feel bad for him and because I am scared to go through with it.

 

You don't need to decide anything BEFORE seeing a lawyer, the lawyer gives you the information you need to decide. Most people protect themselves with a legal separation regardless of whether they intend to ever go through with divorce. Getting legal advice about THAT is how you learn to make things fair.

 

You're over thinking in a useless way because you're stuck in that prior to investigation of your rights and options. Learn the information you need first, THEN think about it.

 

As long as you insist on doing this backwards and allowing your mind to shoot straight to divorce, the longer you'll remain paralyzed. GO GET THE INFO.