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Relationship/Possible pregnancy ADVICE NEEDED


DJW88

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Hi everybody, I’ve never posted anything like this before so please bare with me and apologies for such a long essay of a post...

 

 

Ok here it goes, so in October i meet a girl we instantly hit if off and got on brilliantly! Im 25, she’s 19. After about 8 weeks of getting on so well, texting most days, seeing each other 3/4 times a weeks we decided to be a bit more official and be a proper ‘couple’ so to speak. Nothing changed and we continued just as before we were ‘official’ we seemed so close and she seemed so into me i don’t think either of us could have been much happier. Anyway around 4 weeks ago we came in from a night out together got a little carried away and had completely unprotected sex (we would always use a comdom normally as she is on no type of female contraception) But as i say we got a little carried away and thought nothing of it.

 

4/5 days later i was round her place (both of us still just as close & happy as ever) but she was complaining of sore breasts & stomach cramps, we laughed at the thought of her being pregnant but she did a little research online and low and behold we’d even managed to have unprotected sex on one of the key days on her ovulation calendar. We continued to joke and laugh about it as we obviously couldn’t be sure about anything until she had done a test as early as she could.

 

Anyway after this day round her place and things had obviously sunk in a little she began to act a little different, a bit more distant/blunt in texts and in person towards me. I took it just as worry/uncertainty about the possibility of being pregnant (i was just as worried/concerned after all) As early & soon as she could take a test she did, it was negative but she called her doctor who she explained the situation to and he said he believed she was pregnant and it was just to early for a test to pick it up still. She told her parents and apparently they were very supportive!

 

As days went on i could feel her becoming more distant/unusual with me to the point of going round her place one evening and literally feeling as if i didn’t exist to her! She basically ignored me for most of the evening. Not a hug or a kiss from her unless i offered one and even then it was very reluctant.

At this point we’re both off work for christmas (we should like most couples be spending time together enjoying each others company) but she seemed happy enough at home in the company of her family! All this time she is still having these ‘possible’ pregnancy symptoms so i can cut her a little slack for not wanting to do much. With so much time on my own everything was on my mind and i was thinking about everything so much! What had i done? Has she gone off me? Has she found somebody else? Am i worrying to much? It got me so down wondering one day that when we texted each other that day and obviously asked how each other was i said to her id been feeling down about everything that day, she instantly presumed it was because of her and went a bit nuts about everything halving the amount of kisses she’d normally put in a text and being more blunt than ever! Even with her being so blunt we managed to talk a little via texts and everything settled down a bit.

 

The next time i went round coincidently was the weekend she was due her period which hadn’t turned up! She was exactly the same in her blanking/ignoring me ways though. I obviously apologised about the other evening as the last thing i wanted to do was upset her or cause an argument just because i felt a little down. So i asked her what id done to get ignored/blanked this time and she said it had nothing to do with ‘us’ it was family problems and she'd had enough of them. The funny thing is though she seems and acts completely fine with her family! I said this to her and she just said she has to act happy around them. But as i said earlier she seemed happier spending time wither family than with me!? I stopped round hers that night and the blanking/ignoring me continued she was even snappy at me when i asked about putting the tv up! Into the next morning and when we woke i offered her a hug she simply told me ‘I’m not in the mood’ Literally 10mins later we went down to get breakfast and while talking to her mum she gives her a great big hug without her mum even offering/asking! I had to go shortly after but while leaving she told me that her period still hadn’t turned up, obviously we was both concerned but giving her a quick kiss & hug i told her I’m here for her and she can speak to me about anything. i then said to her i will speak to her later and had to shoot.

 

I decided to leave her be after being blanked/ignored again and if she did indeed have family problems going on i thought i can’t be much help keep going on at her asking what id done wrong. A whole day passed without hearing anything from her (she would always text/call daily) So come new years eve i decided to text her just to see how she was, she replied very fast (although still very blank and nothing like she used to with loads of kisses ect) saying she wasn’t too bad and shed still not had a her period and said she was just going to leave it a little longer before taking another test incase its still too early to pick it up. We exchanged a few messaged which ended up with me once again just reassuring her I’m here for her pregnant or not no matter what, to which she never replied! That evening after not hearing back from her in a last minute decision i decided to go out with a few friends to celebrate new year (still haven’t heard back from her) I then saw a member of her family in the pub so i thought id just send my her a quick message to say id seen her family member, she later replied with a very blunt '‘all i can say is thanks for inviting me’’ I replied saying i never got any chance to invite you after you didn’t reply earlier. I went home an hour later led in bed and wrote her a long message apologising for not inviting her along as i didn’t feel she even wanted to text/see me let alone spend new year together (Id have loved nothing more than to spend new years together just for the record) I also apologised if i had been a bit of a pest/annoyance in the last few weeks with everything going on in her life, i said its a new year all i can ask/hope is that we can put those weeks behind us and get back to being the great couple we was.

 

That was 2 days ago, I’ve heard nothing from her since! I just don’t know what to do now, it feels like she doesn’t want to know me! I have read (if she is) woman who are pregnant can be a bit distant/moody, could it be this? Has she just had enough of me? Found somebody she likes more? Does she just want some space? I feel i want to contact her but i can’t help but think the balls in her court after she didn’t reply. Id do absolutely anything to get our relationship back how it was wether she’s pregnant or not i want to be together. Without sounding too clingy i feel pretty lost without her being in contact with me.

 

Massive, massive thanks to anybody that can give me any advice on this.

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If you've contacted her and went out of your way to let her know that you're still there for her then what more can you do?

 

If she's pregnant, now is not the time to become enemies so if I were you, I'd contact her one last time and thereafter it would be on her.

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None of us can tell you what is going on with her. My guesses are as follows:

 

- when under stress, your gf takes comfort in her family, which is appropriate;

- anticipation that issues related to keep or terminate may impact your relationship, or that your relationship may impact her decision, and she wants to get clear in her mind what is going on with her before she involves you;

- re-evaluation of the appropriateness of your relationship.

 

If you want to know, only she can tell you.

 

And, for the record: 19 to 25 can be a significant age difference, because so much growth happens in early adulthood. All sex, even protected sex, carries the risk of pregnancy. There are other issues here to consider, such as the decision to have sex at all, as long as either of you are at risk of creating a risk for yourself and your partner. It takes two to tango: you were half of that equation, but she bears more of the burden. She and/or her parents may be significantly unhappy with you for allowing this to happen (as did she).

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Give it a week and if you don't hear from her-contact her and ask her to meet you for coffee so you can find out whether she is pregnant or not and whats gonna happen next if she is.

 

It does sound like she has gone off you but it may be just stress and anxiety. 19 and pregnant in such a short term relationship is very scary. Scary at any age but maybe she doesn't know how to think/feel about this and is worried about being a single mum.

 

And don't go making promises you cant keep such as "we will be a family" etc.. you don't even know if you two are even compatable or not yet. If your gonna make a promise-make it "I will be a good dad no matter what" and mean it (that is if she is pregnant)

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etely unprotected sex (we would always use a comdom normally as she is on no type of female contraception) But as i say we got a little carried away and thought nothing of it.

 

You really screwed up here. Why would you think nothing of it? You should have insisted on getting her the morning after pill. As the older and presumably more experienced party you should have been more responsible. Did you not take Sex Ed in school?

 

Has she just had enough of me? Found somebody she likes more? Does she just want some space? I feel i want to contact her but i can’t help but think the balls in her court after she didn’t reply.

 

She sounds stressed and worried. She is being really passive aggressive towards you and immature about communicating her feelings.

 

You need to continue reaching out to her. Space is not the answer. Show up in person. Be consistent to let her know you will not abandon her. She is going through a lot right now. Swing by her house with homemade soup. Don't invite yourself to stay, just tell her you've been thinking about her and thought she may like some soup. Tell her you love her and are available whenever she wants to talk. Then go. THAT's leaving the ball in her court -- being present without being pushy. Don't just disappear but show up the next day or a couple of days later with a new excuse to see her. If she takes you up on your offer to talk, then good.

 

And, for the record: 19 to 25 can be a significant age difference, because so much growth happens in early adulthood. All sex, even protected sex, carries the risk of pregnancy. There are other issues here to consider, such as the decision to have sex at all, as long as either of you are at risk of creating a risk for yourself and your partner. It takes two to tango: you were half of that equation, but she bears more of the burden. She and/or her parents may be significantly unhappy with you for allowing this to happen (as did she).

 

^^ This.

 

It's a big gap in life experience. You are dating a teenager and they mature at different rates. She may be struggling to express how she's feeling and may be re-assessing whether you are the type of guy she wants to end up with long term.

 

Those are the breaks. You two have only been dating 3 months so "fun" has quickly turned into a situation neither of you may be ready for.

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Many thanks for the replies on this so far. It was always my worry before becoming official with this girl that 19 may just be a tad too young for me but we just got on so well it seemed like it would be just fine to be together. Id like to think she has some pretty good feelings for me too as well seeing as she was telling me how she 'loved' me and how 'happy' she was with me before we'd even became official. Its now in this situation that i just wish she was a little more mature and wouldn't just ignore me though because although we only have been dating 3 months it does quite hurt when i look back how we was not so long ago together. Especially when i haven't done anything particularly wrong. She's almost acting towards me as if I've cheated or something!

 

To the few that have expressed that pregnancy symptoms don't come so early i do hope your right, however we both have looked for hours on the net and just can't see what else it could be. Especially when her doctor said he believes she is and she's missed her period!

 

You really screwed up here. Why would you think nothing of it? You should have insisted on getting her the morning after pill. As the older and presumably more experienced party you should have been more responsible. Did you not take Sex Ed in school?

 

Yes i know i screwed up, even my girlfriend has told me herself that its not just my fault though when i expressed how irresponsible it was of me. Her saying 'it will be fine' when we was doing it probably didn't help, It does indeed take two to tango after all!

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So if her doctor 'think' she's pregnant, I'm presuming this doctor has already performed a pregnancy test to confirm his thinking?

 

Nope, he believes she's pregnant just from what she's told him on the phone about the symptoms she is showing/feeling. Missing her period last weekend/earlier this week just adds to the worry. She said she is going to leave it a little while longer before doing another test which i guess if that comes back negative she will have to go see the doctor for him to preform a pregnancy test/blood test to confirm.

 

To be fair though as big of a matter it is (that of which I'm willing to take and be fully responsible of if she is pregnant) my cry for advice here is more the matter of her going completely silent/distant/blanking me at such a time

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Is she for sure pregnant?

If her period was already due and never showed, has the test come back positive?

For both my pregnancies I got a positive 5 days before my period was even due! If she's late she should be able to get a positive by now.

 

I'd back off. Obviously she's dealing with this the only way she knows how, by pulling away and finding comfort in familiarity...her family. The two of you are still very very very new in a relationship, and at 19 is probably freaked out. Regardless if she's pregnant or not, she's probably realizing a lot of things and pulling away.

 

And yes, some people pull away when pregnant. I know I distance myself from my husband, not intentionally but I know mood wise over the years I know how I behave under certain situations due to hormones and unfortunately pregnancy makes me not my usual lovey dovey self...but thankfully we know that's NORMAL for me and work through it and don't take it personally. She probably isn't familiar with this and is pulling away and dealing with it on her own, instead of turning to you. Partially maturity as well.

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Thanks for you input, see my last post (before yours) for the latest on the pregnancy complication. Certainly all the 3/4 tests she did as soon as she could before her period came back negative (from what she told me) I don't believe she has done a test since her period was missed though.

 

I can completely see when yourself/others say to back off/give her space ect, and to be fair the fact she's all of a sudden being like this its almost like her saying she wants to be left alone. However i want to be there for her! I can't get that accross enough, to her or anybody for that matter how much i want to be there. I don't want her or her family & friends to think I'm ignoring her just because she may be pregnant or something! I know some guys would do that but thats just not me, i like this girl enough to want be there for her. Im just not getting the chance when I'm ignored/blanked by her.

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But what can you do when she's pushing up you away and acting like she wants to be left alone? She doesn't see you as being the support she needs, she sees you negatively and wants the familiarty of the support she knows...her family. Which sucks for you, but until you know 100% sure she's pregnant there's isn't much you can do but sit tight and wait to hear what happens. Maybe she's too terrified to take the test because she feels that she is. She's pushing you away probably because she's afraid.

 

There isn't much you can do. If she's going to ignore you, she will. Wait for the confirmation of pregnancy and go from there.

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OP, I get that you want to do the right thing but she isn't receptive to that right now. You need to hold steady -- give her space but assure her you're not going anywhere.

 

You want to support her, but I'm reading that part of your need is to feel needed by her. Like you matter. It's insecurity. If you are secure in what you have together, you can allow for space when your loved one is going through a difficult time without worrying that they love you less.

 

One of the hardest things in relationship is to learn how to love your partner in the way that they can receive it. Sounds like you want to provide support because it's how you express your love. There's nothing wrong with that. It's natural (I would be inclined to do the same honestly!) to you, but to her it may not be warranted. The expression of love she needs during difficult times may be different than the kind you are trying to provide. Does that make sense? (Google love languages)

 

This isn't meant as a critique. I don't think you are doing anything "wrong" per se. But your efforts are not connecting in the way you intend and changing your approach to suit her needs yield better results.

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Thanks for the two previous replies, they make a lot of sense. I guess i am just rather scared of just letting her be and giving her space when its just come all of a sudden out of nowhere without her even saying 'can i just have a bit of space for a few days' Like I've said previously it makes me wonder what I've done, have i tried to be too supportive and smother her too much? Id just hate to leave her to have some space then get accessed of not being there for her when i should have been or even worse her finding somebody else she's happy to talk to about these things more than her boyfriend. Maybe it is a bit of insecurity from my side there but she's only 19 and we've only been dating 3 months, id hate to loose what we had by playing her at her own game and not making any contact.

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It upsets me that I know these wonderful, stable married couples who struggle with fertility. At the same time, it seems like immature people who are silly enough to have unprotected sex are as fertile as anything.

 

Sigh, I hope she's not pregnant. More than that, I hope people stop having sex until they are ready for the girl to actually get pregnant.

 

You are dating a child. From her actions and reactions, she's not in the place to deal with this stress. I think she's more than a 'tad' younger than you ... she's way too young for you. And you should date closer to your life experience.

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It upsets me that I know these wonderful, stable married couples who struggle with fertility. At the same time, it seems like immature people who are silly enough to have unprotected sex are as fertile as anything.

 

Sigh, I hope she's not pregnant. More than that, I hope people stop having sex until they are ready for the girl to actually get pregnant.

 

You are dating a child. From her actions and reactions, she's not in the place to deal with this stress. I think she's more than a 'tad' younger than you ... she's way too young for you. And you should date closer to your life experience.

 

Your completely right. I hope she isn't pregnant just as much as I'm sure she hopes she isn't, our relationship age and not to mention our own age(s) are just not ready for such a huge thing. But I'm fairly sure accidents and mistakes happen, we've all had our own fair share in life I'm sure?

 

We may have been rather silly but if she is (or isn't) pregnant i want to be there for her and work through this together, I'm not about to do a runner like I'm sure a lot of guys in my situation would do. I like and care about this girl enough to stand by her side and do whatever it takes to get through this together and get our relationship back to how it was before this complicated situation. Its just so so so hard when she is pushing me away and blanking me, it hurts and its so hard when i do actually care here.

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OP, your sentiments are kind and affectionate. There are some hard truths in front of you. 1. Your job well be stand by the child no matter what, and by your gf if she will have you. You do not have the luxury of knowing you are okay by having her continue to receive you as her bf. 2.She is not okay, and you being her bf is what got her into this situation. She might be rethinking her decision-making from top to bottom, and rightfully so. 3. People make mistakes, sure. This is a child. It happens, sure. But it is a live changing event. We don't decide to graduate from college, or quit a job, by mistake. Sometimes it sounds like you are shrugging this off, and I know unintended pregnancy can happen to anyone who has sex, but I suggest you change your speech pattern. Getting pregnant was a risk you decided to take when you became sexually active. Having sex with someone who isn't on the pill/patch means you have to responsible EVERY time. You have 6 years of experience more than she does. 4. Start your thoughts with We were irresponsible, and I should have known better, and I wasn't there for her or for us when we both needed somebody to protect us. (The fact that she can say the same is irrelevant.) 5. You are being excluded and pushed out, and that hurts. You can only accept what she can offer. If she is no longer interested in talking to you, you will need to find out if she is pregnant, if she has and keeps the child, and whether you can have 50% visitation. 6. Imagine having a child live with you every other week. Are you ready? How about full time?

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