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I'm a useless great loser, I don't deserve to live


Johnatan

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I think you guys might remember me. Last year, I was really alone and wanting to enter college. Well, I did it. From the end of 2012 to half 2013, my life was almost perfect. I now had a girlfriend who would love me, started the process to finally drive a car on the streets, met new people on a videogame tournament outside my city, and lost a LOT of weight (I had 89 kg, I went to 80). Everything went perfect.

 

Then, college started. I've chosen Computer Engineering on a public university, had to take the test to get there. I thought that would be my life decision, but I was wrong. My daily routine just went into a complete nightmare. I discovered I had no abilities at all. I went good on Math at school, but when facing Calculus and Algebra, you're just a random student as bad as 90% of the colleagues. I was bad at Physics at school, just got worse. I thought I could make it, but HELL NO, IT'S RIDICULOUSLY HARD. Programming on Haskell language? Sounds fun, but I couldn't get past of the easier exercise that would determine how much space of a flag would be paint. At the finals, I just gave up, along with the rest.

 

The semester ended. Some of my friends scored about 8~10 on their grades overall rate. I had a sad 2.0.

Others also gave up, but they arranged a job.

 

I decided to make another exam to get into a public university, but it would be too much to study just on 1 and a half month.

 

I couldn't even decide what I wanted to be as a professional. I'm good at portuguese and english, but those careers are just sad, they're boring (being a teacher is really not for me) and the money you earn doing this is trully disappointing. Law? Hmm, I'm terrible at history and I can't even speak myself, imagine with a formal language at a big audience room with everyone looking at you. No. Medicine? I hate Biology.

 

That's one of my main issues within my life. I don't have any hope at all, and when I have, I just crash my face into the floor.

 

Let's talk about driving. It's IMPOSSIBLE TO PASS ON THE TEST. C'mon? I got rejected at the psychotechnic 2 times, and that delayed MONTHS of my process. Went to the school, passed on the teoric exam. But I didn't pass on the practic exam 2 times. The process will end February 21th, and it's my last chance to get my driver's license, or else it's about 700$ thrown away (yeah, it's THAT expensive). I can also buy my license for 250$, but it's illegal. I guess if I don't get approved I won't have any choice.

 

Let's talk about my tries on getting a job. I got rejected at my family's business. And my routine wouldn't allow me to anyway, I'm outside home from 6:30 AM to 8 PM everyday at college, not to mention I go by bus, it's far away from my house, and I gotta sleep home and even study harder.

 

Let's talk about videogame competition. I'm one of these guys who can spend about 3 hours a week trying to be good at a competitive fighting game, that makes me a member of the FGC (you can google stream monsters, and all these things related, there will be a bunch of information). You know the game has a lot of characters, and you gotta know the game and your opponent properly. Guess what? I live in the middle of nowhere, there are no local tournaments, and the people who play me won't give me any level, I beat them really easy at my game. There are other games that I don't play and they're good, but I don't like these because I don't feel comfortable playing, I just like to watch. Ok, and there's another game I play, but on that I get beaten up really bad... I practiced for 2 and a half years with my friend (!!!!"). Guess what? I never beat him. I could get to be the 2nd best at my city, but now there's no one to play, that doesn't matter to me anymore. I just wanted to win my friend in a fair game, but it seems I'm not capable. I gave up. As for the game I'm good at? The trips to other states at Brazil are expensive (300$ if you're lucky, 450~500$ on a normal day), and many people at my family just laugh at me because I do that kind of thing, and I can't pay the trip. It's rare for me to go outside.

 

Let's talk about my town. You know Manaus, from the state of Amazonas, at Brazil? This town is a true hell. It's surprisingly hot (35~40 celsius). I walk with a t-shirt and jeans about all the time. So yeah... Not to mention I spent a lot of money with AXE deodorant bodysprays, because If I don't use 'em 2 to 3 times a day, I get all soaked and stinky (it's hot and I'm fat and nervous, so you know how this ends up). The options to "have fun" here? You can go to parties, bar, and that's it. People here only dance, drink and play soccer. The options for me are just go out to have a meal with friends or go to the movies. And that's it.

Not to mention I have an incredible hard time making friends, It's a miracle I have companions and a girlfriend, really rare, we are dating for a year (January 02nd, 2013).

 

My family and finances? I live with 2 brothers (older and younger), mother, grandmother (from father), and father. Mother has not that money to give us the life we have. Grandma takes care of EVERYONE in the house, she has A LOT of money, but she usually rejects our wishes, lying and saying she doesn't have anything. My father uses drugs, and never cares for anyone but himself. Lately, he spent a lot of money on grandma's credit card and now she's truly doomed. He only walks outside of his room to get food and drugs. My mother wanted me to be an all different person from what I am right now, I'm the worst son ever.

 

So, I can't stand all this crap anymore, but I love my girlfriend, I can't leave her. But I don't have that strenght to fight all of this, no offense to anyone, but I can't believe in God, look at the plans he has to me. He must probably have said: go down there and suffer, you will never win anything in your life.

 

I want to end my life without anyone knowing about it. 2014 just started and it's become even worse than 2013.

 

Thanks for reading, I await your responses.

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Ok, to start with I feel that you're too hard on yourself so stop comparing your life to the people around you because you're not them...You're you!!!

 

I think that you what you're facing isn't anything different that anyone else if/when they enter into College and because that Degree Plan doesn't work for you, then you should choose on that does.

 

It sounds as if you'll do better if you choose an ARTS DEGREE PLAN vs a SCIENCE DEGREE PLAN.

 

Some people just aren't good in Math and Science.

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Yes, I agree with the above ^^ Re: school counsellors & your future.

 

You're not alone- we all have our own battles to deal with as well.

It does sounds like your quite negative on yourself. Why dont you look into some help? Therapy? Maybe ur depressed? Talk to your doctor. Don't give up on Life!

 

If something doesn't work.. we can move onto something else. Life is FULL of chances, change & opportunity. Just keep going.. keep searching. You've tried a few things... go check some other things out.

If you're not good at a cpl of games, find some more. Lots of diff ones on things like FB.

 

As for careers, there are so many out there.

If you can get a half decent job & things continue well with your gf, maybe, in time you two can look at moving...into ur own place or even out of that area you are in.

 

As for your parents? Is your mother a 'bit' neglegent on the lifestyle of your father? That is a bit sad.

 

But this is life... we each have our own and we all have our own challenges and all have some negatives. We have to learn to live with them, deal with them and accept them. Sadly, life isn't always so easy.

 

One day at a time... tc

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