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Mixed signals, a lost cause? Very confused


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So I had a short but sweet dating relationship with a girl for a month or so in oct-nov, which doesn't seem long but I think you will see what's bothering me.

 

We met online and began exchanging lengthy messages every day for a few days, the first this has happened for me. I went on vacation at that point but she still messaged me every day, paragraphs each time. It was great. I came home and we hung out on back to back nights and things just took off from there like a rocket. We both had our own lives but hung out any other night we were both free. Sex was great, things were light and fun and it all came pretty easy in general, and she always talked in the future tense: "when you meet my friends...." Or "will you take me to do X sometime?" Or something like that.

 

Then we both had some scheduling conflicts and weren't going to see each other for a few days. When that day came she backed off saying some stuff had come up from the past. Long story short she was in a long relationship and is just not over the whole thing yet, which I know to be true because I've seen her since and she explained further.

 

The problem is she says she needs time to be single but her words and actions are all over the place. We talk briefly through text once or twice a week, sometimes I engage her or vice versa so I don't feel like she's trying to avoid me. At the same time we hung out a couple weeks ago, the last time I saw her. We had fun, she returned things I let her borrow/have (which I knew was coming since we discussed it before), and then we made out a little in the parking lot of a bar before parting ways. It just makes no sense.

 

Half the time I get a friend zone vibe then other times I get the impression I just need to give her space. It's kind of driving me nuts because it started off really fast (probably too fast as she had said once), but it definitely seemed like things were looking up. At the risk of sounding arrogant I just have a hard time believing you can feel such a strong connection to someone in just a few weeks then abruptly end it, only to keep in contact and ONLY want to be friends. Does she really just need time or am I wasting my own? Thanks

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Nothing confusing at all about this. She is on a rebound, has been upfront with you about it - she may be up for a hot and passionate fling for a few months, an occasional get together, etc., but she told you point blank she is not seeking a relationship....with you. That's really all you need to know. If you are cool with hooking up with her when she wants, that's fine. If you are hoping for more from her, you are wasting your time.

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Yes i can see why it's a bit confusing, this is one of the problems with going so fast. Maybe she is scared or doesn't want to be attached as she still has feelings for her ex or she maybe scared of falling so quick for someone.

 

What i don't get is, the friends thing, she could still date you but take it at a slower pace or say that at the moment she wants to just date, not be serious. It's hard to be friends with someone when things are still fresh, or if you still feel you may have a chance.

 

I think you need to ask her more about how she feels, like why does she just want to be friends, not at least date, does she have feelings for you, and whether she wants to be back with her ex (or if she is already), how long does she need space for roughly (month, year etc).

 

Its even this or just back off, stop contacting her as often, do not be the one who contacts first, or kisses first, let her. Be more busy, so be available maybe once a week but then be really busy. She may get the hint that if she really likes you she will have to stop sending mixed signals.

 

Eventually you will have to move on if nothing changes

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I see your point, I just still don't see why she didn't bring it up earlier or why she talked like we were really starting something. I mean you don't talk about the upcoming holidays with a person unless you think it's going somewhere do you? Her past relationship ended this past summer, it wasnt just before she met me. She said the holidays have her feeling bad and she told a friend that every time her and i hang out we have fun, but she just hasn't felt like hanging out. I get the whole rebound angle but I don't know why someone would talk like that if they didnt have feelings for the person

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Ya I see what you mean and have felt similar things. I just don't know why she's keeping me around if its just as a friend. I'm just a guy from an online site. She could just go back to her normal life and let me fade out. She hasn't though. I truly don't think the ex is in the picture. He cheated on her and it sounds like trust was broken, understandably.

 

I pressed her for more answers once and she got frustrated so I've backed off and just been understanding. She said she didn't have anything tangible to tell me just that she started not feeling it and there's something going on in her head that's really freaking her out. I will probably just have to ask casually for a little more info though.

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She is keeping you around because she wants a security blanket. It's comforting to know you have someone to call on when you are feeling lonely or down. Eventually that will pass and you'll be discarded much like a crutch once the leg is healed. It's only confusing to you because you like her and don't want to accept what is in your face. The bottom line is that if it is not a resounding, enthusiastic YES!, then it is a no when it comes to dating and relationships. It really is not confusing at all, we just don't like to accept the no, so we make it confusing.

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Sounds like she just move along too fast for her own good. Talking about the future we'll do this.. n that.

 

Now, it has it her so, she's backed off quite strongly, correct? Then, i think she's realizing some things- reality and is 'unsure' about it all now.

Best thing to do is just lay low. Be there as a 'friend', i guess, for now. Don't be expecting much more for a while.

I think it sounds like her 'past' is still there or has creeped up on her again.

 

I dont think she feels she is ready enough, after all to move onto another relationship at this time.

 

You're choice.. remain friendzoned & talk now n then.. or leave her be to seek elsewhere?

 

good luck

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