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she wants FWB, i tried and messed up


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whole story is here:

 

but if you don't want to read that long thing read this:

my ex broke up with me in august. there were no huge problems other than that i started revolving around her and not focusing on my own life and depending on her for happiness. she broke up with me, and we kept texting and talking for a bit. then i ignored her for a while, she would send me texts every couple days. after about a month i asked her to come over to just hook up(i wasn't ready emotionally, and actually asked her out of desperation to see her, like relapsing, not because i just wanted sex, but i told her it was just for sex). she declined but then changed her mind that weekend and came over. we had fun, but when she left i felt miserable. i tried to keep up the act and she came over another 4-5 times. each time seemed to tear me up and i would start my recovery all over. she even bluntly told me in a text after one hook up that 'i need you to tell me you understand that i just want to be FWB, i'm not trying to get you back'. i felt miserable, but responded that i understand. i was being dishonest with myself. and this last time she came over we had sex, but when we were parting ways i got pouty and upset, and acted mean towards her, which i believe COMPLETELY blew my cover and caused her to lose respect for me, because the whole time she was over i was acting like i didn't care(which is what she wants), but then here i was getting upset at nothing. so obviously i still have strong feelings for her and she picked up on it. i have a feeling she realized that i've been lying to myself just to be around her, and lost respect.

 

i called her a week later, she didn't pick up and i left a vm apologizing about being mean to her. i didn't explain anything more, i just said that wasn't me, that's not the type of person i am, and that i'm sorry. that was on the 21st of december. since then she hasn't said or sent me anything. i think she doesn't want to lead me on, because she realized i'm not over her and have been lying. i don't want to break nc but i hate that i was dishonest to her. i hate that i was dishonest to myself. she was a real freak in the sheets and i'd love to have her as a fwb, but right now i just can't be friends with her because i feel like that's having her cake and eating it too. it's probably too late to say anything, but i wish there was a way to get the point accross. maybe just continue to not say anything?

 

this whole experience feels like drug withdrawal or something. i really really want her as a fwb, but not now. i guess deep down i want her to just come back to me. i feel really crappy in the mornings, but by the evening i usually feel better. right now it's morning and i feel terrible for being dishonest with myself and with her, mostly myself. i'm pretty hard on myself about this whole thing, and that's probably why she's withdrawn, because i'm dishonest about my feelings, and lying about it, then punishing myself for lying and lashing out. i wouldn't respect a person like that either.

 

what can i say to her? just the truth? that i want to be fwb but not now because i still have strong feelings for her? does she know this already? i feel like she thinks i'm pathetic for not telling her how i feel and not respecting my own feelings and causing myself more misery.

 

i will continue to focus on myself, but i need encouragement and guidance on what to do with her. what to do to regain some self worth. i'm confident that she is completely over me and doesn't even want to talk to me out of lack of respect, and that gets me so down. i know that i need to gain self worth and respect from myself, not from her, but i'm impatient and this is painful as hell. it's as if i'm starting all over from august. any encouragement or guidance would be greatly appreciated, thanks everyone.

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You need to give up. Even if you spend 6 months apart and start up FWB again-one of you will get attached again and hurt. Your clinging on coz its painful and it is like a drug withdrawel. Hormones make couples addicted to each other over time (dopamine, vasopressin, oxytocin). Its normal to crave her but those feelings fade in time. You need to accept its over so you can start to heal and eventually move on and meet someone else.

 

i know its hard and im sorry your hurting but the best thing you can do for yourself is cut all contact and focus on getting over her. Its disrespectful to yourself to downgrade you from bf to FWB. You deserve more than that

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What are your ultimate goals right now? Don't lose sight of that... do you want a GF? and keep in mind if you get a GF, she won't want you running off to be FWB with an ex.

 

I think the real issue is you don't want to give her up, AND you want her as a GF but she's just not interested in that... so you are wasting your time here. Take all the effort you are putting into trying to convince yourself this situation will work for you (when it doesn't), and put that into healing and finding a new GF. You need to totally cut this woman loose because she is distracting you from getting what you really need, which is a GF who likes all of you and wants to be with you rather than just use you now and then when she bored. She seeing intimacy with you with about as much meaning as going out and getting a sandwich with her sister, so really, there is nothing in this for you.

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this whole experience feels like drug withdrawal or something. i really really want her as a fwb, but not now. i guess deep down i want her to just come back to me. i feel really crappy in the mornings, but by the evening i usually feel better. right now it's morning and i feel terrible for being dishonest with myself and with her, mostly myself. i'm pretty hard on myself about this whole thing, and that's probably why she's withdrawn, because i'm dishonest about my feelings, and lying about it, then punishing myself for lying and lashing out. i wouldn't respect a person like that either.

Why are you allowing yourself to be demoted from boyfriend to human dildo? Anyone with self-respect wouldn't allow that in their life. Instead, they would go no contact and they would stay that way until they had reached the blissful stage of indifference to the person that doesn't want them anymore. She doesn't want you for you, she broke up with that person and now she wants you to be this dis-connected thing that gives her an orgasm and doesn't cause her any trouble or give her any emotions. What is wrong with this picture?

 

My suggestions: Stop ALL contact with her, ignore her if she should contact you, in fact block and delete her from doing so and go through a couple of months of pain that it will take you to cleanse yourself from your drug of choice know as "she's great in the sack and I can't let go so I stagnate in being able to find a good partner that wants me for more than my package because she's still very much in my mind and thoughts" You cling to someone who does not reciprocate your feelings and who does not value you. That's sad and you should do your best to get over her rather than under/on top of her.

 

You can't be demoted from being someone's everything, and be emotionally healthy. Surely you can logic it out that she has no emotional attachment to you and that is why she can so easily distance herself from you.

 

You have to value yourself first. If you don't do that then how can you expect anyone else to?

 

Zero contact so that with time and what positive things you do with that time to make YOU the best you that you can be, and you'll soon be at the blissful stage of 'indifference' to her and anything about her.

Be well ...

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dang you guys are so right. deep down i do want a girl that will love me and want to be with all of me for the right reasons, and i've been lying to myself to perpetuate the relationship with this one. i think i'm scared that i won't find a girl that will like me for all of me that i also like, and that's probably a big reason why i've been clinging. she is the best girl i've been with so far as far as niceness and personality, but i shouldn't be scared of the future. i'm only 23. she did seem to gain interest when i started ignoring her, and became very respectful, but she only wanted sex, and when she figured out that i still want more, she lost respect because i'm not respecting myself enough to create distance until i can not be mean to her. it's a sad story, i wish i had played it out differently, and it's so hard to stop kicking myself for how desperate i acted.

 

i can not wait for the indifference to come. it hasn't even been 2 weeks since i left that vm and it feels like an eternity! it's so hard to stop kicking myself for drawing this out so long. if i had just been confident from the beginning of the break up or just distant until i had it back i'd probably be much better by now.

 

ThatwasThen you're exactly right, i don't value myself but expect her to lol. i think i developed this issue while we were still together, and over time she stopped valuing me because i didn't value myself.

 

i think deep down i think it's a huge shame that she doesn't feel more, and i acted on those feelings when she came around by being angry, which is silly. i should love myself first, and for whatever reason that is INCREDIBLY hard right now. but i'm trying, i stopped smoking and started going to the gym again.

 

are there any phrases i can repeat to myself to help me through this? maybe i just need to stop talking about it

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You are on the right track now, young. Joining the gym is one good way to start feeling good about yourself. Don't beat yourself up because this is part of growing up. You've learned a valuable lesson from this relationship that will only help you in your future dating goals so look on the bright side.

 

Keep doing positive, happy and healthy things for yourself that will help to build your self-confidence and love/respect of self. That will show through to good women that will match you in emotional connection.

 

Good on you... This is a great start to 2014 for you, young man.

 

I'll add that if you make a conscious effort to change the channel starring her that is looping around in your brain, then you'll stop moping about her much quicker. Know your worth and you'll be indifferent in no time. Promise.

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It all takes time... but now, you are coming to realize some things and that's good!

 

It is VERY hard to have to 'let go' of someone you came to love, we understand. One day at a time....

 

It is best to aim ALL away from her now and yes, focus on YOU & your recovery. Yes, it is like a drug, where you have to keep working on weaning yourself off of them. Can be very difficult at time.. so in, come the emotions.

The heartache, lonliness, sadness, confusion, denial, etc for a while.

 

Just give it time... lots of time in order to let go, accept and be able to move on again, whole heartedly & emotionally stable.

 

tc

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blah i feel so crappy in the mornings. i really wish i had shutup when she was contacting me, cuz now she's not. this shouldn't upset me i guess... it's been almost 2 weeks and i have no sexual desire to be with her. i just miss her emotionally, and i feel like it'll never be the same again. i just tell myself that this is just emotions, and that i'm a logical person.

 

ThatwasThen thank you, looking on the bright side is all i should be focusing on. now i have time for me, and i learned for my next relationship.

 

one thing that really helps is to think 'i've never had to chase after someone like this, why start now'. mornings are still the worrrrrst, i wish there was something i could do to make them better.

 

GinNJuice you're so right dude, that's a good phrase to repeat to myself.

 

i think i'll know i'm over it when i completely forgive her. i just wish there was something i could say or send her to make the vibe better, but it probably won't make a difference. is closure an illusion? maybe it won't help me? she said when we broke up that she wants to see other people, and i guess now i'm starting to feel the same. i don't think she meant to hurt my feelings, and is probably bummed that i'm hurt because she expected me to be over it when i invited her over. it was silly of me to do so when i wasn't ready, it only set me back and made me look foolish. is there really nothing i can say or do? the mood was better and if only i had said a better goodbye i'd be shutting up on better terms... why do i think this is such a big deal? i called her and apologized for the bad goodbye, making it a big deal... and she hasn't responded, so she doesn't care to even let me down easy? ahhhh!

 

do i just suck it up and shut up?

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>>i think i'll know i'm over it when i completely forgive her.

 

You don't have to forgive her to heal... you have to make a conscious choice that you are not going to allow yourself to dwell on her or fantasize about her or spend long amounts of time daydreaming/remembering her. She's not in your life now, just a ghost in your head, and it is your job to do the housecleaning necessary to get her out of your head.

 

What do you do? You stop contacting her or responding to contact from her. The truth is you can't 'make' someone love your or want to be romantic with you, and she's made it clear she's not interested in that, so why waste your time on her?

 

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to help get her out of your head. And no more fantasizing/romanticizing her since she's already slammed the door on the idea of romance with you. At best you'd be her temporary gigolo until she meets a guy she thinks is BF material.

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blah but i feel bad about trying to force her into loving me by acting like a desperate fool. i guess either way, getting her out of my head is the best option...

i also feel crappy because she's a very simple girl, she justs wants a happy confident guy. that was me when i met her, then i got all dramatic and emotional because i didn't see the same level of commitment from her as i was putting in. but i was putting in so much that it was ruining my own life. that's an unrealistic expectation to have for her, for her to throw away MORE of her life than she already had. she dumped me a week after she got her new job, as if i was stressing her out too much or something. it was self destructive, and i've learned this, and i wish i could tell her without her thinking i'm desperate and trying to get her back.... even though that would be really nice...

 

BLAAAAAH

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and her being a girl, i expect her to decline if i ask, because girls are silly like that, to which i am prepared to say mk to. this is only the first day i don't feel pain though, i should probably give it some time.

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I totally get what you said about "i just wish there was something i could say or send her to make the vibe better, but it probably won't make a difference. is closure an illusion? maybe it won't help me? "

I feel like in my situation I get it stuck in my head because of the way I left it. And the more you try to fix it by sending a message or whatever, and not getting a response, you just feel foolish. If one had left on a high note then it would be easier and you wouldn't be still stuck wondering what they think of you or what they're feeling.

If only there were some magic thing you could say, huh. But it seems that the only other option is time -no contact.

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