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Boyfriend says he's a feminist and chivalry should be dead


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Hello,

 

My otherwise very kind and loving boyfriend said he refuses to act like a gentleman because it's archaic and men and women should be equal. The reason why I brought up that topic is because he is harshly ignoring any related etiquette: never let me order first, never hold the door for me (the door hit me twice), tells me to go find my own chair in a crowded bar, doesn't offer to carry my obviously heavy bag, neglects to introduce me at a party he brought me to causing the host to ask "Who are you?" at which point he still doesn't pick up the ball and I have to explain who I came here with, always splits tab half way etc.

 

Do you think he's right?

 

He said he will do these things for me if I care so much, but he thinks it's ridiculous. Well, if I have to fight for it, it defies the purpose. So do I agree to be treated less than I think any woman deserves or to I push him to behavior he finds repulsive?

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Why are you with this man? Seriously.

 

Yes men and women should be equal. I have no problem holding the door for a man occasionally or making him a cup of tea, buying him a pint, getting him a chair and I expect the same manners back in return.

 

Hes not trying to be equal. Hes just obnoxious, rude, arrogant, ignorant and sexist. Letting a door close in your face? Refusing to help you lift something heavy? All because he wants to prove some stupid point about equality..

 

again, why are you with him?

 

He sounds narcissistic to me

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Hes not trying to be equal. Hes just obnoxious, rude, arrogant, ignorant and sexist. Letting a door close in your face? Refusing to help you lift something heavy? All because he wants to prove some stupid point about equality..

 

I promise you he's not any of these things He is very caring, but he doesn't see why he should treat me any different than his buddies. Men I know, whether we dated or are just friends, take pride in treating a woman special. So this is new to me, but maybe I'm spoiled?

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I promise you he's not any of these things He is very caring, but he doesn't see why he should treat me any different than his buddies. Men I know, whether we dated or are just friends, take pride in treating a woman special. So this is new to me, but maybe I'm spoiled?

 

Um...sorry, you're describing someone who is just plain rude & inconsiderate and using equality to excuse his boorish behavior.

 

If he's treating his buddies like that (letting doors hit them, not offering to help lifting something heavy), he's being rude & inconsiderate to them, too.

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He is taking his point too far and is just being plain ignorant and rude.

 

I hold doors open for people behind me. If I were ahead of my boyfriend I would hold the door open for him. If he were struggling carrying several bags, I would offer to carry some and I would certainly introduce him to friends or aquaintances. What does that have to do with equality - in fact what does ANY of that have to do with equality - it is just being polite. It doesn't matter who the person is with or what gender they are.

 

I wonder what he would do if a friend of his was struggling with a heavy piece of machinery (or whatever). Would he offer to help him or would he refuse to offer any help? If so, on what grounds would that be? However, if he helps him, why would he then NOT help a female counterpart, even if it was with something less heavy, just because she is female. I rather suspect he would help which means his actions towards you and just about proving some rather pathetic point.

 

Nah, as shelty said, he is obnoxiious, rude and arrogant and, well, downright lazy!

 

I can't really see what is kind and loving about this guy. Sorry, but this guy wouldn't do it for me.

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He's not feminist; he's an arsehat who reckons he has a sweet excuse to be an arsehat. The pseudo-feminist position that females shouldn't get any chivalrous treatment because they should be equal tends to ever-so-conveniently ignore the commonly-accepted (within feminism) significant difficulties that females experience.

 

If you subscribe to the belief that one group of people is subject to unfair disadvantage, the answer is not to effect equality by making a point of stripping away the superficial perks they enjoy (many of which would be reasonably to offer to either gender).

 

I'm feminist, in that I have become privy to some of the dangers and unique concerns girls/women face. I try and do my bit by being conscious of those concerns (for instance, being aware that if a girl is resistant to an advance, that's a choice to be respected rather than an obstacle to overcome). I don't do it by withholding social graces from my gf.

 

As for heavy lifting, if he's stronger than you (presumably; it's a biological fact that males are stronger, all other things being equal) and he's making you carry stuff to prove a point, he's still an jerk, not for failing to offer assistance to a woman, but for making someone he cares about lift heavy stuff that would be much easier for him to carry.

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I promise you he's not any of these things He is very caring, but he doesn't see why he should treat me any different than his buddies. Men I know, whether we dated or are just friends, take pride in treating a woman special. So this is new to me, but maybe I'm spoiled?

 

Men and women who care about each other take pride in treating each other special.

 

Do you cook for him? Does he cook for you? Are either of those things wrong or right in his eyes?

 

How rude of him to let the door go in your face ... would he do that to his guy friends too then? How rude to watch you struggle with something heavy or awkward. Would he not help his buddies either if they were struggling with something heavy?

 

Expecting to be treated as you would treat someone yourself is not being spoiled.

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Does he make a point of it, or do you act as though you are entitled to "chivalrous" actions because you are female?

 

If it helps, I can honestly say that if I were gay, I would still do the same "chivalrous" things for my boyfriend as I do for my girlfriend. Or anyone I care about, to be honest.

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Guys, I'm sorry, I need to clarify: he will help carry a heavy bag, no problem, if asked. What he argues is more that I'm perfectly capable of holding my own door etc.

 

Well, that isn't quite what you said in your original post. Does he make a point of being a feminist and acting as if chivalry is dead (as per your title) or is this really just over a door?

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Well, that isn't quite what you said in your original post. Does he make a point of being a feminist and acting as if chivalry is dead (as per your title) or is this really just over a door?

 

No, he does not make an explicit point of it. It was his response to me pointing out that his manners could use some work. His attitude is more like: we are a team and I will help you out when needed but I'm cutting you no slack whatsoever for being a girl.

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So he's ill-mannered to everyone equally? Still makes him ill-mannered.

 

Now back to what you actually mentioned as examples...

 

he is harshly ignoring any related etiquette: never let me order first, jerk never hold the door for me (the door hit me twice) jerk with two bonus points, tells me to go find my own chair in a crowded bar jerk, doesn't offer to carry my obviously heavy bag jerk, neglects to introduce me at a party he brought me to causing the host to ask "Who are you?" at which point he still doesn't pick up the ball and I have to explain who I came here with jeeerk, always splits tab half way etc. Pretty reasonable, but two outta six ain't a good strike-rate
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No, he does not make an explicit point of it. It was his response to me pointing out that his manners could use some work. His attitude is more like: we are a team and I will help you out when needed but I'm cutting you no slack whatsoever for being a girl.

 

But the fact that he makes such a heavy point goes beyond cutting you no slack and just ends up with him being rude and, yes, ill-mannered.

 

He NEVER lets you order first? To me it doesn't really make a difference who may go ahead and order first but to always make a point of going first seems rather immature. And why would he not want to introduce you to friends (as you would no doubt him)? That is the polite thing to do. I introduced a guy friend to all my friends (both male and female) just the other day .... and, anyway, he should be proud to say you are his girlfriend. I just can't work out what point he is exactly trying to make. To actually let the door go in someone's face (whether they be male or female, friend or unknown) is just plain rude.

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He has contempt for your esteem. This has nothing to do with him being a so-called "feminist". He hates women. That's the bottom line.

 

Let him go date men, then.

 

Quite frankly, I wouldn't be bothered with such a knuckle-dragging neanderthal. Why you think you deserve to be treated like this just in order to say "I got a man" is a wonder of the ages.

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How us introducing somebody chivalrous? It's manners and if it was the other way round surely he's expect you to introduce him.

 

You seem to be retracting half your statements, was this thread made in a moment of anger?

 

Sent from my RM-914_eu_euro1_337 using Tapatalk

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I'm a feminist and a lesbian. This isn't about equality, but you're right - it is about chivalry. I would do all of things for a woman I'm dating and I would expect her to do all of them for me.

 

For that matter, I do these things for women I'm not dating. I'd also do them for old people or anyone who wasn't as strong as me.

 

I don't care what your boyfriend's rationale is, and quite frankly your excuses for him are astounding - who goes through a door and doesn't hold it open for the person behind him/her?

 

My first instinct, was that your boyfriend sounds like an ***. But to be honest, I decided that he sounds immature instead - like he thinks this is cute but really it's not.

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I promise you he's not any of these things He is very caring, but he doesn't see why he should treat me any different than his buddies. Men I know, whether we dated or are just friends, take pride in treating a woman special. So this is new to me, but maybe I'm spoiled?

 

No, he is rude. Either quit making excuses for his rudeness or man up yourself and quit complaining.

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Guys, I'm sorry, I need to clarify: he will help carry a heavy bag, no problem, if asked. What he argues is more that I'm perfectly capable of holding my own door etc.

 

that's not the point, whether your are capable of holding your own door.

 

It's about home training---manners, which he has decided you do not get because you are cloven and not crested.

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Okay I know that feminists today can be OTT with their test tube babies and all that...

 

but to me feminism is about not being treated like a second class citizen or beneath males coz your female like in the old days. Example; I would not date a guy who has double standards like "if you ever cheat on me-I will kill you but I'm gonna have a new mistress every year" or "I expect you to do all housework and all childcare while I work and drink most the money down the pub" etc to me feminism is about equality in relationships and the workplace.. example "I will divorce you if... and I would expect you to do the same in the same situation"

 

your bfs definition of feminism is insane.

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