upsndowns Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 So a three months ago, I started a thing with one of my friends. It was a stupid idea. It was just supposed to be sex. We had sex a lot and hung out a lot and I fell for him.Not at first, it kind of sneaked up on me. He developed feelings for me, too, but he said that he had been talking to this girl long-distance. Which I was fine with until things between us started to get more serious. We were basically dating without the title (he has since agreed that that was what we were doing). When I confronted him about it, he said that he wanted to be in the long distance thing and that we should break things off. I was really hurt and needed some time away from him. After a week of not seeing him, I went to his house to hang out (he had shown signs of not doing so well, and I went over to see if everything was okay) and he came on to me. We had sex the next two nights in a row (both times he initiated) and it seemed to me that maybe he had changed his mind about being with this girl (he had talked about not knowing if he could actually be with her). I tried and tried to figure out where he was at, but he didn't want to talk about it. After a while, I find out that not only does he ultimately want to be with a woman on the opposite side of the country that he never sees and knew for only two months before they parted ways, but he had not told her that we were sleeping together. I didn't know when we started sleeping together how serious they were (I was confused, you see, by all of the sleeping together four nights out of the week), and didn't find out until the very end. This ended a month ago. We are still friends and hang out pretty regularly. We were really close friends before this whole thing happened, and we didn't want end the friendship. It occurred to me recently, though, that he may not have told his girlfriend that he's still hanging out with the girl that he f*cked for two months behind her back. I have a feeling that she would not be so down with that. I mean, I would be wary about it if I were her. And if he didn't tell her we were sleeping together, I feel like there is a good chance that he didn't tell her we're still friends. I don't want to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but if he is lying about me to his girlfriend, I'm not down with that. I was "the other woman" for long enough, thank you, and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be a part of that whole sh*t show, and I feel like, in some ways, I'm involved whether I want to be or not. Should I ask him if he's told her that we're still friends? Or should I leave well enough alone? Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 You're not weary being you, so why would you be weary if you were her?? You knew about her alllll along ..if she didn't and doesn't know about you she's an innocent party to your repeated, fully informed trysts. You might not have thought they were serious initially but you did when you continued to f*** him (your words) and as you continue to hang out with him now. You know where he stands regarding her, and regarding you.... Asking him about their relationship when you're the "friend" on the side is out of place. Link to comment
upsndowns Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Maybe I was unclear. I knew that they were talking, but I didn't think it was anything different that what we were doing. We weren't exclusive, and I didn't know that they ever intended to be exclusive until the very end of the relationship. When he started things back up again with me, he gave me the impression that he was going to break things off with her, and then didn't. Link to comment
yellmell Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 So basically, he's using both of you physically and emotionally, without having to commit to anything? And if he can lie to the other girl...he can lie to you, with no shame or guilt. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Maybe I was unclear. I knew that they were talking, but I didn't think it was anything different that what we were doing. We weren't exclusive, and I didn't know that they ever intended to be exclusive until the very end of the relationship. When he started things back up again with me, he gave me the impression that he was going to break things off with her, and then didn't. So you want to ask him if she knows you're friends? For what purpose? What's done is done and he doesn't seem particularly honest either way. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I think distancing yourself from him more physically and emotionally would be a better idea. I think asking about his girlfriend would just be reinforcing the sense of intimacy you feel with him. And according to all that is going down, he isn't the guy to be sharing that closeness with. Link to comment
yoshiahb Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 This is complete speculation but if I had to guess the other girl probably isn't too committed to him if they were only together for 2 months. By the way, how old are you guys? Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 We are still friends and hang out pretty regularly. If you've developed feelings for him and want to inform on him to his long-distance girlfriend that he's been having sex with you, you're no longer friends -- you're a "friend" who is hoping that if she sticks around long enough, his relationship will break up and he'll want to start one with you. IMO, nothing will be served by telling this woman what he's been up to. The best thing you could do for yourself is get out of this right now. You're only hurting yourself sticking around, hoping for something that is probably never going to happen. Even if it did happen, you would always know that you were the consolation prize because he didn't get who he really wanted and trust me you do not want to be that. Link to comment
upsndowns Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I see what you guys are saying, and it makes a lot of sense. I did want to address a few things, though; first, he has told his girlfriend that he and I were sleeping together. I just don't know if he told her that he and I are still hanging out after we broke things off. Second, I think you're right Lorem Ipsum, there is part of me that is hoping that we'll get back together. But that part of me is getting smaller and smaller with each passing week. He's the person that I'm closest to, and he's really been there for me in some big ways when I needed him. Third, I'm not wanting to inform on him to anyone. I've never spoken to his girlfriend and I really don't want to. What she knows or doesn't know is completely up to him. I'm not going to tell her anything. I just want to know for my own peace of mind that he isn't lying to her about me. I don't want to be his dirty secret anymore. I want to be his friend, but I don't want our friendship to be a cover up job. If he's lying to her, I wouldn't say anything to her, but I would seriously reconsider continuing a friendship with him. Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I think you need to take off the rose tinted glasses and see him for what he really is. A lying, cheating sleazeball who used you for sex coz his gf is not around. Hes not a friend, he has no morals and he does not care about either of you. Why are you waiting around hoping this guy will come back to you? If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Do you not think you can do better? I recommend you cut him out of your life. Now that you know the only reason he was ever nice to you was to get in your pants-not because hes some super nice chap. Hes an a**hole Link to comment
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