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I can't take this


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I'm ashamed to say that I am having a truly weak moment right now. I read through the emails between us again (explained in my other post). I hate that I am still crying over this. I think even after all he's done, I still love him. That's why it hurts so much. And that although he keeps saying he cares for and respects me and he's so sorry and doesn't think all the things he wrote in the bad email anymore etc. I'm so confused. I can't take this. I said to myself I would not contact him again. I'm so tired of fighting for what is important to me. Just once I want to be fought for. I want someone to hold me so tight the broken pieces go back together. I miss him so ing much. But it hurts more that I know he won't make that effort for me. Or that even knowing I was the best thing in his life, he does even truly realise or feel anything other than guilt and pity.

I am sorry for this guys. After so long I've cracked again.

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I'm sorry that you're going through such pain, I've been there and I know how much it hurts. Trust me when I say that it does get better. I've seen other members say to look at the site by Trent Shelton. You should give it a look, it has helped me tremendously.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

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....I'm so tired of fighting for what is important to me. Just once I want to be fought for. I want someone to hold me so tight the broken pieces go back together....

 

 

You can do this. In fact, you're the only one who can.

 

If what you're doing isn't working, try doing something differently.

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The important thing I wanted to keep was my relationship. I have tried talking to him and making him see sense. I have gone through enough and I will not grovel.

If you look at my other post, you will understand.

I am just having a really weak moment tonight

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Hey bad times,

 

Hopefully you'll get a new account soon on ENA because you'll need to change your name to "good times" because they're coming!

 

Ok, that was kind of lame on my part, but I know exactly what you mean by "having a weak moment", except it isn't really weakness, it's just part of you and a very good part. I did a lot of stupid things (not saying you're doing stupid things, btw) to try to "win back" my ex gf a few years ago. Not just emails either... just really stupid things, and I partly blame her for leading me on but also, in a way I felt the same frustration that you've felt. Why wasn't she fighting for me? Why was she so unresponsive and uncaring? And eventually I realized what others on here have had to realize and through several months of working through the fact that she was gone (in the emotional sense) I've been able to get myself to a point where I don't have any "moments" as you mention, but it didn't happen overnight.

 

You will be able to think of him without getting upset, angry or upset one day. You may not even think of him at all, but just know that things will be different for the better. It's not a "straight upward" path to healing either. Those who "heal quickly" usually don't. They usually live in denial (as I once tried to do) or worse, find someone else in an attempt to purposefully forget the person they've broken up with or been dumped by and these are both artificial forms of healing.

 

Real healing will be plagued with "moments" that come and go and sincere, honest and sometimes bitter seeking for answers and understanding about what has happened. Real healing maybe doesn't find all the answers but comes to a point where it realizes, that's okay. At a certain point, you realize how much better off you are by yourself, regardless of who your ex is/was. You're the only "you" you've got, damn it. There'll be other "people" but you need to take care of someone who's not only important to themselves (and hopefully you do value yourself), but to their friends, family and yes even this community of online strangers who band together for a common cause.

 

I wish you the best, bad times. Better times are coming. In the meantime, keep posting and feel free to PM me sometime if you need it.

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Missing him will go away. That's the annoying part. You miss them even if they hurt you badly.

 

They say they miss/care/love you, but eventually you realize they didn't care enough to make things work and communicate about the problems. That's the important part. The rest is just words. You can't make them see sense. If they can't see it on their own they're not worth your time.

 

I'm sorry your feeling down. I have been too lately. The important thing is that it'll pass. The important thing is that eventually you'll see you deserve someone who respects you more.

 

Take care of yourself.

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Thank you so much. I have deleted the emails now. I can't read through them again and keep wondering. It may sound egotistical but I suppose another reason is that with the relationship I thought I had, how could he give up on me? I figure A girl that you keep saying is amazing and "the best girlfriend", loves you regardless of the fact you worry about being short and balding (which I truly didn't care about. He was handsome to me), that gives up so much so you can pursue your dream, that draws comics fir you just to make you laugh, that loves your family and friends who also love her back, likes seeing you play video games and cuddling on the couch with dinner and a movie and dressing up for a night out was a good thing.

Why can't things ever be simple eh?

 

And who knows. Perhaps even one day (if I want it) I shall see a shadow in the distance. As it get's closer, it turns out to be a muscular bearded man with a pizza in one hand and a cute dog in the other. And...his shirt is moving?.... Oh! It's because he is using his manly manly body to warm a litter of kittens. And he shall look at me and say "J, let us eat pizza, cuddle and watch movies whilst playing with these cute animals"

....I don't think I'm asking too much eh?

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LOL I'm glad you have a sense of humor and your list of hobbies will surely appeal to someone else in the future who won't take you for granted. Trust me on that

 

Without a sense of humour it would be harder. Many people would have been kicked in the face.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am back at work (not uni yet as it hasn't started) but I have been doodling and illustrating to try vent.

 

I know I will have odd days. That sometimes I will feel fine, maybe even optimistic. Others I will be gutted, alone and depressed. And some, naive. Wondering what I would do if he ever turned up in person. If he realised he was wrong and ever even thought about being the one to make an effort. (lame, I know)

Again. Just trying to deal.

Making a pitiful attempt at being a grown up. Sure, the independence and ability to eat ice cream for dinner is good, but the rest of the stuff blows!! heh

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This is how it goes. It is a rollercoaster of good and bad days. Eventually, the good days will outweigh the bad. Eventually, the bad days will disappear all together.

 

being the one to make an effort

 

Personally, this is what pushed me through. My ex didn't make an effort at all. I wasn't worth it to her, and so I move on to someone who thinks I am worth it.

 

Eating ice cream for dinner is great, especially since the wisdom teeth came out. So is being a grown up.

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This is how it goes. It is a rollercoaster of good and bad days. Eventually, the good days will outweigh the bad. Eventually, the bad days will disappear all together.

 

 

 

Personally, this is what pushed me through. My ex didn't make an effort at all. I wasn't worth it to her, and so I move on to someone who thinks I am worth it.

 

Eating ice cream for dinner is great, especially since the wisdom teeth came out. So is being a grown up.

 

 

I would like that very much. I put the emails he sent in the junk mail file and they have now deleted. At first there was a sense of panic looking for them. Now I think it was needed.

 

Also, if you are trying to get wisdom teeth through, bite an apple. It hurts but it speeds up the process and means ice cream faster!

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