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Feeling strange after breakup


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Hi guys,


I'm new here, and going through a bit of a strange time.


I'm from London....


About a month ago, I had a mutual break up from my boyfriend (I'm gay) of 10 months, and since then, I've felt all the emotions under the sun.


I'd like everyone's opinions on our relationship, because I'm really confused!


F was from Spain, and is profoundly deaf (he wears two hearing aids, but you wouldn't know about it other than that). He had been living here for about half a year when we met through mutual friends at a party.


Everything seemed a bit strange, even from the beginning, but I put it down to the language barrier. I would talk to him about a bad day at work, for instance, and he wouldn't seem to show much sympathy. I would always listen to him complain about his work, however. I'm a patient person, and persisted with teaching him the language (even if it meant repeating things 5 times before he would get it) and over the next few months, his English improved dramatically, and he could talk about almost anything to me, with little misunderstanding.


After about three months, things started to get strange. We would go to parties with his friends, where he would proceed to say how good looking other guys were, out loud in front of me.


He would constantly tell me that my nails were too long, and that I should cut them (I did, and they were still too long each time).


If I ever cooked anything (he was a chef) - he would be in the kitchen telling me what to do.


I told him I enjoy films, and somehow, we would never watch films together.


Over the course of our relationship, he only met my friends for about 2 hours. He can't handle conversations in English with groups of people owing to his hearing, so I kind of understood him. But if I wanted one friend to join us (just to meet him) - he would go all moody.


He would always joke that I was jealous of his hair. I could go on...



On the other hand, he was always generous with his money, despite not earning much, and never let me pay for anything. He would buy all my tobacco, and always pay for our (rare) meals out.


About a month before our break up, he took me to Spain for ten days to meet his friends and family. I can't speak Spanish (and every time I asked him to teach me, he told me that he wanted to improve his English first) and we spent most of the trip with his friends while I had to sit and look pretty.


The last month was incredibly strange. He went on a night out with his work friends and got high. I was at work (work in a bar) and received a text from him asking for a threesome with a "beautiful guy" - one of his work colleagues. For some reason, I said "yes" because I didn't know what would happen otherwise. By the end, we were having sex once a week at most (only if he initiated it).


My problem is that despite everything, I developed an attachment to him. I'm really confused. I've been trying to work out what happened, but can't begin to explain anything. Why did he go out with me for so long, and why did I put up with it? Every time I felt insecure, I wanted to spend more time with him, which made things worse between us. There were moments when he could be extremely tender and loving.


At the end, he said that he didn't want to hurt me. I have a feeling he's aware of his issues, but in a way, that makes it worse. I really feel the need to tell him how he affected me, and maybe help him to see the light.


He's extremely popular. People love him, both in his workplace, and back home. I've never met anyone with anything bad to say about him.


I've done a lot of reading on narcissism, which may explain some of his behaviour.


sorry for the long post by the way!!

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I think you and your ex were a mismatch emotionally speaking. You sound empathic and warm, whereas he sounds kind of dysfunctional and unaware of his surroundings. Some people seem really great until you get to know them more intimately. If you poke around here you'll find that lot's of people have been through something similar, not that it makes it any easier. My only suggestion is try to recognize the signs of mistreatment earlier next time and be strong enough to know when enough is enough! In my opinion, the longer you're around people who make you feel insecure or bad about yourself in some way, the worse your life can get.

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We were definitely a mismatch emotionally. I always thought that it might have been because of his experiences growing up deaf and gay (which somehow made his treatment of me alright in my mind).

It's strange, because people would always make excuses for him. Always, without fail!


Knowing that other people have been through similar things does make it easier to cope with actually.


I've learnt a lot of lessons from this....and hopefully I'll be more aware....I'd never met anyone like him before!

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