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Best friend with benefits turns relationship, break up with confused emotions?


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I hope this story isn't too long, but I feel these details are necessary.

 

We're both 17 (seniors in high-school), and we've always had feelings for each other ever since we became best friends at 13.

 

Once high-school came around we both want to have our first kiss out of the way already, so I planned to have her come over and we kissed. Instantly we saw each other in a different way, and then we hooked up (made-out) a week later. After we shared our first kiss we really liked each other more than just friends; but her more than I, initially. She realized she wanted a relationship pretty quick, while I just wanted to be best friends that did things together; I'm scared of commitment and I was also afraid of losing one of my greatest friends. Though I didn't commit to her, she still stayed because she simply liked me.

 

After a few weeks she felt we should just be friends again, it didn't feel right to her since we weren't dating. I agreed, I didn't want her to think I was just using her, because I actually care about her a lot. However, about a month later we got the chance to be alone again and we talked. I told her something similar to "I like you a lot, and I like doing things with you because of that. I'm just afraid of commitment and relationships, and I feel safer being friends that occasionally express feelings towards each other". We began "hooking up" again, but this time it lasts for nearly a year.

 

Over the course of that year our relationship and our feelings grow more and more. We turned from best friends, to I guess friends with benefits (which she didn't like), to a more unofficial relationship... We kept our relationship to ourselves because I didn't feel comfortable with it being so out there, which was really selfish and hurtful. It did make things more exciting though in many ways, like a dirty little secret, but I realize now how insecure I must have made her feel overall. We began boyfriend/girlfriend type things and we were really happy being together, but I never truly took it to the next level; no introduction to parents as partners, and no public display of our relationship in our community (school, etc.). Eventually our friends knew, though they got the hints much earlier on.

 

But now to the present, and we break up. That was three weeks ago and it's been such a confusing time for both of us. She "fell out of love", and I don't blame her. I'm at the point where I can look at this objectively, and I realize that I was totally in it for myself. I was selfish and didn't give her the respect of showing everyone I was proud to have her, and I didn't truly compromise with her by growing in the relationship as a real boyfriend. I was devastated when she dumped me, it was the first time we had really been torn apart for years, because as I said earlier she was one of my greatest friends, if not the greatest. We talked everyday as best friends before we began doing these things together, so we lost more than just lovers. Right away I tried desperately to get her back (bad idea), because the change in my life was so intense. Dumping me made me realize just how unappreciative I was, I did almost everything wrong that I could, while I can honestly say that she was incredibly good to me.

 

We've given each other some space, and we actually hung out as friends just the other day. She really wants to be friends again like we used to, but after hanging out with her I don't know if we can. It felt confusing being with her, being "just friends" again for the first time in a very long time. We still have feelings for each other but things have changed, and I don't really know where I am. Though I saw hints that she was unhappy, the break up really surprised me because I trusted her so much that I became lazy. I thought I had more power than I actually did have, so I thought she would always be with me even though I was not very good (I am ridiculously stupid).

 

I'm lost without her. She had always been my rock in terms of friends and we have always been there for each other. I don't know if I can handle being just friends, because I've never met anyone like her. I friend zone a lot of girls because I find so many of them uninteresting, but she and I have a lot in common and we've made each other really happy. And her ability to friendzone me so fast makes me question how real our love was, and we felt in love for over a year. I can safely say that the feelings for her are more than lust. When we were innocent 13 year old's we were boyfriend/girlfriend (the only relationships we've ever had were with each other, I've never wanted to date anyone else). Though that was short and silly, it somewhat proves that we are really attracted to each other in more than one way. After the break up I've sincerely apologized for my wrong doings, and it meant a lot to her. It was too easy to take her for granted when I didn't have to commit, and I didn't really have to work hard for our relationship to exist. I'm much stronger now and know how to be a MUCH greater boyfriend.

 

So the questions are: Can we really be just friends already when we have had such strong feelings for each other, and still have feelings for each other? Should I move on when I can't imagine myself with anyone else? Since she was my first love, I guess I don't truly know what I want in a relationship yet, but I do know how much I love her and how great we are for each other in many ways. It's hard to return to a friendship when we've gone through so much together as lovers. Is it more than likely that the spark is dead forever?

 

For now we are giving each other more space so I can sort myself our more, but I feel lost without any direction and it sucks. I don't know how things are going to turn out between us. I don't know if we can have a platonic friendship, and I feel I have jeopardized the chance of her falling in love with me anymore. We have fallen for each other about three times throughout our lives, each time being more than the last. I feel if we were to date again in the future that it would be incredible since I have already learned from so many mistakes, but I guess only time will tell where we'll end up.

 

Any suggestions are deeply appreciated. Though I feel our relationship is unique, is there anyone who has had a relatable experience? Good or bad.

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I think sometimes we have these experiences when we're young for the exact purpose of learning from them. It absolutely hurts to lose someone you love and it absolutely hurts to have someone never acknowledge you as more than a friend when you give them all of the benefits of a relationship and they want that, but not the title or the challenges that come with being in a relationship.

If she were my daughter I would advise her to not ever, ever let someone treat her like a "friend with benefits". They either like you/want you/accept your good and bad points for a relationship, or find someone else who will. I would tell her she has hopefully learned a valuable lesson about selling herself short and that she will meet many more guys along the way who will value and respect her enough to call her his girlfriend.

If you were my son, I'd say it seems like you've learned a valuable lesson and you should evaluate early on if you're interested in only being friends with a girl (=no sex) or treating her like a girlfriend with all of the things that entails. Trying to have it both ways makes you look less than respectable and word spreads quickly among girls so I'd hope you'd not make that reputation for yourself.

Don't get me wrong...you and 100000 other guys want their cake and to eat it too....its not something that stops at 18, 25 or even into your 40s. You get to decide what kind of guy you are. As for being 17/18, you've had a common experience and its nothing to beat yourself up about...but something that can help frame who you decide to be moving forward.

With this girl all you can do is try and be platonic friends which will be hard for both of you. Once a new guy enters her life or a new girl enters your life, they will probably not take kindly to you hanging out with or "being friends with" someone you used to have casual sex with.

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I feel in love with FWB, and we had 2 'break ups'- it was complicated... I know he fell for me too... It took awhile for me to see he actually loved me but at the present time when we were FWB I felt he was just using me and I was always in and out with him because of all the mixed emotions I had for him and about him... I was so in love I thought he would see it and turn around- that was my hope in waiting. Truth is he couldnt and I permanently 'broke up' with him. A year later, our mutual friend, who happened to be a close childhood friend of mine, told me he still ask about me and wonder if im ok or if they went out, he would ask if anyone invited me. It was sad for me to hear, because that showed me he did care about me but i told her i wasnt ready to see him again. Its been 3 years, and Im over what happened. If he called me or got in contact with me now, I would be ready. Space is your best bet... also people dont change overnight and dont change in a span of one or 2 years. When break ups happen between an intense relationship, expect a lot of space and time is needed to heal the wounds.

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When I look back on it I refer to her as my ex-girlfriend (ie. when people ask), because we were committed to each other for the last part of the relationship, but I just didn't give her everything that she deserved, but we were "together". If she were to give me another chance I would let everyone know that I am hers because I've learned to respect her so much more. I don't fancy hooking up with random people, I've decided that I want to be a one woman type of man. I will also mention that we never had sex.

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So there were never any other people in the picture from both sides, no jealousy issues? It seems like there should be more to why you didn't want to commit and why she didn't trust you?

 

Nope, our close friends knew we were together, we were committed to each other. I just didn't truly commit (publicly) because I felt it would create some drama, and being somewhat insecure I liked keeping my personal life to my own circle and not for the whole school to know. I realize by acting kind of ashamed of her she probably lost an amount of trust in me, and loved me less.

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I think you both need space and time apart to figure out what you both want. You can never be just friends so if its over-its over. You go your separate ways. Otherwise neither of you will ever truly heal and move on.

 

I dont understand why you wanted to keep her a secret. Most guys your age struggle to even get a girls phone number. You should have been proud to call her yours and make her feel special

 

don't do the whole FWB thing again. It always, always results in at least one of you getting badly hurt and then feeling used. You either want a gf or you dont..

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I dont understand why you wanted to keep her a secret. Most guys your age struggle to even get a girls phone number. You should have been proud to call her yours and make her feel special

 

I don't know what I was really thinking either. Part of my lack of confidence was due to a few of my friends bugging me about her, but I found out later that they wouldn't have made fun of they knew I actually liked her. I lacked a lot of conviction, and the foundation of our relationship influenced that. I now want an official and real relationship like she wanted before, but I missed that chance for now. I also feel the need to be there for her because of all the crap I put her through, I would feel selfish to just disappear because I feel the break up was all my fault.

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