Were they flirting, have i done the wrong thing. all answers appeciatedr?

[starstarstar]

Ok,, i just don't understand. there is this guy i have been dating for the last month, he seems really into me (actually has been moving so fast i had to ask him to slow down a bit although i like him but we are just newly dating)

 

The thing is, i invited him out for the first time with my mates, and he paid my closest friend a lot of attention.

 

Every time we walked somewhere (to and from and friends house) he was walking ahead with her and helping her with google map etc. I was talking with another guy as he was being friendly and i didn't want to show that i was upset. My friend was also seemed to be eyeing him up a couple of times (maybe she was not aware of this as she was drunk) and i think he looked at her too once. She seemed to enjoy the attention. And he was very responsive to her needs half the night.

 

He seemed so keen on me,and i told him how i felt, that it really upset me and that i felt that he was more drawn to my friend than me and that she may get the wrong impression by how friendly and attentive he was being. I want to but i don't trust him, i feel awful.

 

He said he is really falling for me (like love) and was not flirting with her just being friendly and he would never want to hurt me etc. that he wants to fix it/change. But now i feel uncomfortable and doubtful and a bit humiliated with my friend. I am not sure if they were flirting or if i over-reacted.

 

On our own he is all over me and attentive, i catch him occasionally looking at other girls but not often. He gave me attention like one third of the night, but wasn't expecting the special attention to my friend so much, is this normal? He now wants to do anything to convince me that he likes me as i was so upset. He said he doesn't want to lose me, for me to give him a chance and he can change, if he new it would upset me he wouldn't have done it etc. but why did i feel like this.

 

I recently mentioned to my friend it made me uncomfortable and she said she thought nothing of it and it was perfectly normal, and if it was her she would want him to get on with her friends and that she will feel unconformable to al meet up again, i feel i have made a mistake telling her arrrgghh?? The problem is she is usually a good friend, but i notice she gets a bit like this when she is drunk and doesn't seem to notice it, now she feels its all in my head as he was just being friendly trying to get to know her, also she has a very open mind to relationships but i am sure if it was the other way around she wouldn't like it.

 

He sent me a message today saying big hugs and has not contacted me as i said i didn't want to speak and he said he will wait for a while for me to let him know when i'm ready. link removed. He wants another chance and said we don't have to meet up with her, but now i feel insecure and not trusting him.

 

What is best, he is quite persistent character, its a bit of a mess now? Is he a player?

[Kendahke]

Getting on with ones friends and ogling one of them all night long--with, I must add, that friend encouraging it--is quite another. I would be highly pissed off, too. So would she if her guy did other what this goon did to you.

 

No more going out with that friend. And he needs to make amends for his boorish treatment of you.

[missmarple]

If, after just a month of dating, you already have doubts about him, I don't think it's worth it. I don't like your friend's part in this either.

[Kendahke]

I don't like your friend's part in this either.

 

^^^^^this. Anyone who would call herself a friend would not have encouraged him nor would she be gas lighting you on what you clearly saw. You need to drop her.

[starstarstar]

I feel so sad as we have been really good friends for a year and apart from this she is so nice. She said that she wouldn't try to take a man i like and now she feels uncomfortable and that its a culture thing as polish and Mediterranean are more sociable in this way. I think she liked him before as when she first saw him, we briefly bumped into each other, she said she wished she had someone like him (as he is muscular but very attentive when he wants to be as well).

[missmarple]

Iand that its a culture thing as polish and Mediterranean are more sociable in this way

 

Bull. I'm Mediterranean and flirting with a friend's boyfriend is NOT considered being sociable. If anything, Mediteranneans are even more jealous than other cultures!

[Kendahke]

Sometimes, people come into our lives for the purpose of teaching us a lesson about ourselves we need to learn, not to be life long friends. She's teaching you that not all people can be trusted with your trust and feelings. Her nationality has nothing to do with that character trait.

[starstarstar]

i think she was cold and was rushing ahead to get home quick and he was rushing with her, but i would think his and her priority should have been with me, its like she twisted him around her finger. I don't know. Just when i learn to open my heart up again and try to be more trusting this happens. i have been single for more than 3 years after a tough breakup, i wonder if i will ever find love again and trustworthy peeps. Thanks for the replies ladies, Nice last post Kendahke

 

I may get some space from my friend and see how it goes, but defo won't be introducing any further guys to her so soon!! Not sure what to do about him, there is something i just don't get about him although he is nice and says mostly all the right things.

[starstarstar]

I feel so alone and silly for trusting anyone again

[chr8st8na]

If he seems nice and says 'mostly all the right things' you are doing yourself a huge disservice. Pls dont settle for some guy who was ignoring you and oogling your friend... dont sell yourself short.

[starstarstar]

Before we went out to meet with my friends he took me to the cinema, something to eat and was being really nice, until i meet up with the friends, its like he was more interested in impressing them, especially her rather than me. He was nice to me at one point when we were all sitting down and he was holding me but that was like one third of the night which doesnt seem right. When they were walking ahead they looked back occasionally to rush us on, but that was it. He was helping her find the way apparently as well. He should have been walking mainly with me, or keep coming back to have a little chat or joke with me, he is really apologetic now, like he didn't mean it, he sounded like he felt really bad.

 

Thanks Chr8s, its a good point

[starstarstar]

I have been really down all day, pick me up day tomorrow i must think onward and upwards

[savignon]

Honestly I'd drop him and probably her too. Its a huge red flag and very early on in your relationship. Guys like that always seem sincerely apologetic and then when they do the same thing they've already done you're left astounded because you thought they "learned their lesson" when really they're just continuing to be themselves.

My sister gave me the BEST pointer when someone I had just started seeing made a super poor impression on my family. I said "I wish he had put his best foot forward" and she said "that's what you don't see...that WAS his best foot forward. It will only get worse". Among the BEST advice I've ever gotten.

Ask yourself if you want to keep feeling the miserable way you're feeling right now. If NOT, move on!!

[starstarstar]

That is true, he was begging me for another chance as he said he didn't want to lose me and doesn't feel anything for her, and i said i just wanted him to be who he is and that there is no point in changing for me as that is who he is right now. That i am tired of complications like this and that we were just not a match. He wouldn't accept it, just wanted a chance.

 

Before all this we were just casually dating as i was scared to get into anything too serious and he moves very quick but that still doesn't warrant that treatment.

 

I hate rejecting people, even when they make mistakes i like to not judge and give chances, but i know its probably better i move on

 

Thanks everyone

[pippy longstocking]

oh I don't see it quite the same way as everyone else ..so mostly ignore me

 

It just sounds like drunk crap to me and him going all out to impress your pal for acceptance with you .

[starstarstar]

I value everyone's opinion, thanks shooting star and thanks for all taking the time to reply, i feel so less alone

[savignon]

Only you know if he was being "friendly" or flirty. There's a distinct difference and you should trust your instinct. The only thing worse than rejecting someone is when you let things slide and slide and then THEY reject YOU and you want to strangle yourself.

[JA0371]

IMO...I think you're way over reacting. I agree with Shooting Star, it sounds booze induced. And maybe you were really reading WAY too much into it. Of course I am not the most jealous person either. If everything else he has done has been on the up and up, then I don't see this is as a huge issue.

[Iggles]

The thing is, i invited him out for the first time with my mates, and he paid my closest friend a lot of attention.

 

He was attracted to her. Drinking lowers inhibitions, so this was more apparent than if he had been sober.

 

I recently mentioned to my friend it made me uncomfortable and she said she thought nothing of it and it was perfectly normal, and if it was her she would want him to get on with her friends

 

She was attracted to him as well. She is lying to minimize what occurred.

 

I feel so sad as we have been really good friends for a year and apart from this she is so nice. She said that she wouldn't try to take a man i like and now she feels uncomfortable and that its a culture thing as polish and Mediterranean are more sociable in this way. I think she liked him before as when she first saw him, we briefly bumped into each other, she said she wished she had someone like him (as he is muscular but very attentive when he wants to be as well).

 

Early in our relationship I got uncomfortable when my guy and my friend were chatting too long without me present. (She was doing him a favor and I was sick so couldn't accompany him to meet her at the time) I let him know straight away that it bothered me and he was remorseful for hurting my feelings. I never directly confronted her about it but I pulled back from my friendship with her. She lost some of my trust that my day.

 

I can't say how your situation will turn out, OP but trust you gut as to how you feel about this guy and your friend. To me, she seems shady. After speaking with him, do you feel he's being honest with you? If you don't feel confident that he made in error in judgment and won't repeat the behavior again then kick him to the curb.

 

Sometimes, people come into our lives for the purpose of teaching us a lesson about ourselves we need to learn, not to be life long friends. She's teaching you that not all people can be trusted with your trust and feelings. Her nationality has nothing to do with that character trait.

 

^^ This! Well said.

[HeartGoesOn]

The fact that you had to point this out to him is very telling as to how he's putting you in the option, rather than the priority category. Having said that, this is highschool behaviour, which shouldn't interest you in the least,

 

You can do better than this..

[agatha]

this is a tough one, without being there - we just got your POV, and you said yourself you have trust issues.

 

you have enough people agreeing with you on the "dump him" "red flags" section, so let me throw somethings on the other side of the fence:

 

1-how old are you? (I'd understand someone on their early 20's doing this, not someone on his 30's)

 

2- maybe he was so eager to impress your friends, and get validation from your bestie that he lost the balance point (we all know that bff's have a great weight in our choice of men - there's actually some thread open about it right now on this forum)

 

3- how you interact in groups as a couple may be different than how you interact when alone. my current bf sticks around aaaaaalll the time, leaving me just to grab something to eat or drink - but he's terrible with social interactions. my most recent ex survived better the 'work party'/'meet the friends' scene, and he'd often stay somewhere talking to other people, or even alone while I went about and minded my own business. I've been in relationships with people who like to make a scene and kiss me, hold hands and stablish a clear territory, with people who nearly treated me like an acquaintance - he said he felt it was disrespectful to expose our intimacy in public, and it fit with his personality, so no big deal.

 

what I find tough here is how scared you are, and he is clearly not aware of your fears. that's a good recipe for disaster, for fear may be in itself the demise of your relationship. maybe you should work a bit more on yourself before getting back to the dating scene.

[shelty24]

This reminds me of the first time I met my best friends boyfriend. I instinctively hated him. I did not like the way he looked at me, the way he paid me more attention than her, the fact he kept getting too close holding my hand telling me how shes always talking about me and that I am lovely etc. I just thought he was way too close for comfort and I did not trust him.

 

fast forward a few years and hes cheating on her all the time now. Shes in denial and refuses to admit it but deep down she knows. Im looking forward to the day she finally dumps his a**

 

follow your instincts. You are prob right you cannot trust him

[starstarstar]

I do have trust issues, which is why i have given people sometimes more chances than usual and why i don't always trust my instincts. I want to believe them both but something just wasn't right. I saw her eye him up although she didn't admit it or maybe wasn't aware of it. And i saw her act a bit funny when he was putting his hands around me etc. I saw the way he seemed more comfortable walking ahead with her, for whatever the reason i don't know. Even if it was just that he wanted her approval, there are other ways to go about it and a people pleaser guy is not what i am looking for. Also he only drank a bit that night, she drank quite a bit.

 

I am in my 30s, so is he. My friend is in her mid 20s. Red flags before all this, first two weeks of knowing each other he said he spoke to his manager and wanted to go abroad with me as i had a holiday booked (i didn't invite him?), Second red flag, he said about moving into getting after 2ish/3 weeks as he needs to move out of his place in two months). I told him this was way too fast. He eyes up women on the sleigh, occasionally when i turn around i see him, but he is quite a friendly person. He also said he is falling in love with me and told his brother he has meet this amazing women as his brother can see how his eyes light up. The rest of the time he is really nice and attentive, phoning alot and being affectionate, trying to impress me and get closer etc

 

I just don't seem to trust him as some of his actions but also sometimes he just doesn't make sense, like he is just saying something to keep it smooth rather than say exactly what he means.

[starstarstar]

Iggles you have a good point, this is what i originally felt

[shelty24]

He sounds too smooth to me.. says all the right things but words are cheap and seriously? Any guy who wants to move in with you after 2-3 months is just trying to fill you up on flowerry BS hoping to wrap you round his little finger.. so he can later manipulate you and take off his mask once he thinks he has you hook, line and sinker.. typical player/narcissistic move.

 

Run a mile from ANY man who wants to live together, proposes or wants a baby within the first 6 months. Huge red flag