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essexman2

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i have been for my gf for six months, we hadknown each other for years and had always been attracted to each other but she was married and i was in long term relationships, when we finally got together it was like a movie love story and we planned to be together for ever, she told me very soon into the relationship that she suffers from depression and was taking medication for it which i thought and it seemed was keeping it under controll and also that she had some dept problems, anyway we spoke about our future together and after a couple of months we decided that i should move in, it seemed almost overnight that things changed and she became very depressed and distant, also i found out her debt problems were a lot worse and she was 50k in the red, she became very emotionally distant and would always blame her depresion, she would still tell me she loved me every day and that i was her world but would find it very difficult to show any affection, her depression seemed to get worse and she became very short tempered with her kids and family and the only thing that seemed to cheer her up was spending money like water, she used to sit on ebay all day ordering stuff and then i discovered she was addicted to online gambling, no wonder she was in so much debt, i tried to help her so many times but did not seem to make any progress and eventually i could not bare it anymore and left, the next day she begged me to come back and promised she would show me more affection and get help for her depression so because i loved her so much i returned but within two weeks things had not improved and gone even more downhill and i decided for my own sanity to leave for good, i was then bombarded with calls from her brother and mum telling me i need to go back and sort it out but i had had enough of this emotional roller coaster, its been three weeks now and i thought i had made the right decision, but the truth is i love her so much and i cant stop thinking about her but i know if i went back i would be back into that frusrtation that made me leave, i miss her terriblt thou, please help

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OK this is how you can help. Contact her family and tell them you all need to do an intervention. This girl has serious issues that requires rehab. She has a shopping addiction stemmed from her depression. Getting her into therapy is the only way at this time. It's no different than dealing with someone who has a drinking problem. All the love in the world will not help her with her problems. make sure you have the backing from her family, they need to know the extent of her mounting dept and emotional issues....this isn't really your responsibility but her family's, so you need to include them in this. If you all work together, hopefully she will get the help she needs.

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Depression can cause one to react a number of ways.. thing is, is she is NOT dealing with it properly.

She's losing in this game.. and as mentioned, someone NEEDS to wake the mother up to realize this... this gal needs some REAL help now.

Buying stuff.. whatever one with depression does, will NOT make her 'happy'. She should be proper medicated and in therapy/counselling, dealing with her 'issues' in life.

 

YOU cannot 'solve' her problems or make her happy either. I think with what you did..trying but not succeeding, realizing you can only do so much, you did well. You tried & that's all you can do.

 

Yes, she sounds like she's in quite a whirlwind of life and needs to get a grip on a few things here.

 

I suggest you try your best to talk with the mom and explain that you tried & you can't do it. SHE needs to get some real help...

 

tc

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You did the right thing in leaving her. It is going to hurt for a while ... you just need to plow through the pain. It sounds like she needs serious professional help. It is not your place to try to fix her. She must do it alone/with her family.

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The problem is you were attracted to a fantasy version or the best version of her all those years. Then when you got together reality revealed itself and what is revealed is a woman who needs a ton of help, unfortunately of the sort that really only she can want and ask for and get in the end herself. She's going to have to hit rock bottom then hit a point where she says to herself that it's enough and she wants free of her addictions and will do anything to get there, and I mean anything. That comes from within the person, not from without by friends, lovers, family.

 

Unless you are prepared to wait an until she either reaches that point on her own or self-destructs before she gets to that point you need to walk away. And if you stay I can vouch for the fact that it's a horrific ride. One that I saw my parents go through with alcohol and while that had a happy ending it still left a tremendous amount of collateral damage that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Truthfully my parents would have been better off apart, no matter what. Go NC, heal, acknowledge she just has tremendous problems and emotional and mental problems that you can't fix. Only she can do that when she decides she's had enough. I'm sorry, but you have to use the New Year for a fresh beginning and move on. It's rough I know.

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thanks all for your good advice,think thts exactly what i wanted to hear , and now i know i have made the right choice, just got to be strong now and resist any temptation to go back,i have been staying at my parents since the split but i am going to look at an apartment today and start rebuilding my life, hopefuly i can look back in a few months time and see how bad this relationship was for me, thank u all

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quick update, i have been bombarded with texts from ex saying she wants me back and will do whatever it takes to fight her depression and other problems, so far i have been strong and held my ground but my heart wants to take her back but my brain says youve gone this far man, y put yourself back into that situation that made u so unhappy,i still cant help but worry about her thou and this is making me feel very guilty

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