Why is this happening to me

[Lonelyguy12345]

My partner and I have been having difficulties we are in a long distance relationship which has had ups and downs for past a while. My partner came to see me New Year's Eve and spend the night but since Christmas hasn't replied to my messages for days and I understand that they could be busy just heartbreaking though for me. I have tried to communicate and tell them how I feel anyways I didn't mention anything and we spent the night together today comes and they go back home and yet again hours n hours pass by and still no reply do you think this relationship is breaking down am to blame for everything in there eyes but after 3 years I genuinely love this person yet feel I'm being mistreated just don't know what to do anymore any advice ??? Just feel dead inside and hurt

[Lonelyguy12345]

Will someone please help me really need advice haven't got anywhere else to turn

[Kendahke]

Is this a guy or a girl you are talking about?

 

How often were you seeing them in the past before the problems began?

[savignon]

Have you done anything to address the difficulties you've been having? Did you talk about the lack of/delayed responses when you visited for NYE? How far apart are you?

I'd address the concerns you have by bringing them up in a phone conversation. Long distance relationships can be hard to maintain and if the other person wants out or has some thing they need to talk about, there's no time like the present to find out and get to fixing or moving on!!

[Lonelyguy12345]

A guy sorry just realised wasn't detailed enough just I don't know what to do I have work tomorrow and can't sleep

[Lonelyguy12345]

I have tried he doesn't like me ringing so we txt one another but he doesn't reply I've tried to address the issue on several occasions and things are ok for a day or so and resort back to the way they where he was ok with me nye except for shouting at me once just worried he don't want me but won't tell me I don't know what to do just sick of feeling worn out and making myself ill over it all te time he has more time for his friends than me and he only lives an hours drive away but I don't drive he does

[Kendahke]

For your own peace of mind, you need to take control of this and just end it. He doesn't esteem you like someone he cares for on an intimate level. Don't let him trash your esteem like he is.

[Lonelyguy12345]

I know that's what it's going to come too but this is my first long term relationship just scared as I have given him everything

[kitkat620]

If by him not answering your texts immediately is something new there may be an underlying problem. But of course we on this forum can only speculate on what is going on with him. What you need to do is have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him your worries and ask him if there is anything wrong. If he's being honest, be prepared that he may not tell you what you want to hear but at least you will then know where you stand with him and the relationship.

Worrying needlessly over this is obviously not good. It is better to know the truth, no matter how hurtful, and deal with that accordingly, than to continue to try and guess what is going on.

[Lonelyguy12345]

Thanks a lot and I have sent him a text now asking him where I stand your right I'd rather know than speculate no matter how painful then I can move on with my life and not feel stuck with unanswered questions lets just hope he has a heart and tells me the truth and how he feels

[Kendahke]

Thanks a lot and I have sent him a text now asking him where I stand your right I'd rather know than speculate no matter how painful then I can move on with my life and not feel stuck with unanswered questions lets just hope he has a heart and tells me the truth and how he feels

 

Never give so much that you lose your self in the process.

 

Don't ask him where you stand: tell him where he stands if he chooses to continue ignoring you. His behavior is telling you he's got something else going on of which he's not going to make you a part.

[Lonelyguy12345]

What shall I do then never been in a situation like this he normally gives me excuses like I was asleep etc when I clearly know he is lying so I let it go what do I do ?

[savignon]

You simply tell him that the lack of communication and investment on his part has caused you to lose interest. Whatever the reason on his part is irrelevant...the relationship isn't working for you anymore. Dr Phil has a good quote that if the cost of being in the relationship is more than you can afford to lose (ie "everything") then its too much!!

[Lonelyguy12345]

Thanks for your help I am scared of being on my own though and I do genuinely love this guy even though I don't know how to get over him this is my first true love

[savignon]

Losing your first true love is extremely difficult and painful- no doubt. Most of us do, though, at some point or another, go through that awful experience and come out even better than before.

Don't give him any more chances ...it just makes you look like a doormat. Time to move on.

[Lonelyguy12345]

Thanks a lot that's what I will do

[Lorem Ipsum]

Thanks for your help I am scared of being on my own though

I hate to point this out, but aren't you already on your own? He lives far away, he's not replying to your texts or other attempts at communication, he was distant the last time he came to visit. I think that he knows you're more into him at this point than he is into you and he doesn't want to be the "bad" guy and dump you, he's waiting for you to do it so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it.

 

Long distance isn't for everyone. It can work if there's an end to the distance and both partners are working towards that. IMO, he's found someone else who lives closer -- which is not your fault. It sucks and it hurts but you are not the first person this has ever happened to and you will get through it.

[Lonelyguy12345]

I think you may be right I've asked if he wants to settle down in the past and always said yes and I was naive enough to believe him and his promises this relationship has just destroyed me

[Lorem Ipsum]

No, this relationship has not destroyed you... you feel horrible right now but it will pass. You will recover from this and you will love someone else again, maybe not for a while but it will happen. Be sad now, grieve not only the person you lost but also the dreams you had for this relationship. Cry, get drunk, dance in your livingroom in your underpants, get a massage, do whatever you need to do to nurture yourself. Keep on working towards your goals and towards the life you want to lead, it's his loss that he's not going to be a part of that any more. Living well is the best revenge and hopefully one day you'll be solid proof of that. It's just not going to happen over night.

[Lonelyguy12345]

Thank you so much that post has me feel so much better it is his loss

[Lorem Ipsum]

Good! Just remember that if you feel yourself getting weak and want to text him, come here instead. You're going to waffle a lot in the next little while because getting over someone isn't easy, even if it is their loss. You'll have good days and bad days where you just want to stay in bed with the covers over your head... but like all grief, it will get better with time. You'll never be the "same" as you were before because now you know what it means to love and lose, but you will be OK and then one day you'll be better than OK and you'll wonder what you ever saw in this guy.

[Lonelyguy12345]

I know and I probably will waffle on but thanks your words have kept me strong just have to get on with things I guess until I move on and you're right I am tempted to text him but know if I do I will make things ten times worse and will look needy and desperate I'm not fighting for no ones love no more if they want me they will have to chase me and if he decides he changed his mind it will take a lot of work on his part before I will even reply and give him the time of day thanks so much this site has helped and the people on it are so supportive thank you

[Kendahke]

Thanks for your help I am scared of being on my own though and I do genuinely love this guy even though I don't know how to get over him this is my first true love

 

you are already on your own.

[Kendahke]

I think you may be right I've asked if he wants to settle down in the past and always said yes and I was naive enough to believe him and his promises this relationship has just destroyed me

 

You didn't ask him if he wanted to settle down with you. Big difference when you ask an open ended question. I"m sure he wants to settle down, but you want to know if the person with whom he wants to settle down is you and his behavior is telling you "no".

 

And no, you are not destroyed by this. Stop being so overdramatic. Your eyes have been opened, that's all. Not every person who enters into your life is there to be in your life til the end. Some people's only function is to teach you a lesson about yourself that you need to learn and move on. This guy is teaching you that:

 

1. you do not do long distance relationships

2. you need someone who is actively wanting to be in your life

3. you need someone who will not lie to you or play you for a fool

4. you want someone who wants a life with you

 

The next guy you get with, you will know what to ask, what to look for. You will own your voice and speak up for what you need and if they hem and haw or give up excuses, you will know to cut them out and keep on moving til you do find someone who wants what you want. You will not settle or think you're not good enough.

 

The same character will appear to you in different bodies until you learn the lesson they've been sent to teach you. It's up to you whether or not you learn the lesson or keep putting yourself through pain until you do.