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Last night my boyfriends best friend, who my guy has chosen to be be his best man when we get married stated that he doesn't care about my feelings when it comes to the bachelor party. He said "nothing will be discussed about the bachelor party. Even if K says he wants to respect your wishes....We'll just do it behind your back. What happens there stays there."

Obviously, I find this to be completely disrespectful. Unfortunately for me, I know this is most likely the case. Is it wrong of me to be so upset about this?

I don't understand why I'm the bad guy in this situation. I would never do something that my guy found disrespectful. Why do I have to be ok with this and just get over it.

If that is the kind of thing someone wants to partake in then why even settle down?

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This is something you need to discuss, calmly and respectfully, with your boyfriend. That his best friend has spoken disrespectfully to you and that you feel hurt.

 

I honestly don't have an issues with strip clubs (as long as its once and while, not a lot money being spent, and NO touching). But I know not everyone is OK with. You have to talk to your Bf about it. He's a big boy and if he is going to let his friends pressure him to go some place he doesn't want to go then he has a lot of growing up to do.

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I didn't want my fiance going to a strip club for his stag do and I know that they didn't out of respect for me

 

However he did go to a strip club twice for two of his best friends stag dos. It upset me but I got over it.

 

I personally would have an issue with my husband going to them regularly but I think for an odd stag do it's ok as long as theres no touching or extras or anything.

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I'd discuss it with your fiancé and let him know what his friend said and how it makes you feel. It would be one thing to just do what they want and not tell you ...but to rub in your face seems purposefully unkind which is the part that would upset me.

I have no idea what guys do at bachelor parties...most guys I know are pretty respectable and there's only so much you can do at a strip club (versus hiring a stripper to come to your party...although even then they have body guards- but who knows?)

I think taunting you with their plans and super RUDE and totally disrespectful to you. I'd have huge problems with his attitude for sure and I'd expect my fiancé to back me up on it.

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Of course your boyfriend's best friend doesn't really care about your feelings -- you're taking his best mate from him. The person who should be caring about your feelings around this is your boyfriend/fiancé. He is the one that you should talk to about what was said to you and your concerns around it. If he agrees with his friend that he should get a free pass to do whatever he wants at his bachelor party, then you should consider whether or not you really want to be married to him. Or, you could arrange to do the same at your bachorlette party. Sauce for the goose and all that and see how he feels about it. When the shoe's on the other foot, most people find it doesn't fit as well.

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My fear is that if this actually happens that I won't be able to move past it. I've mentioned my feelings to my guy before but I don't want to keep bringing it up. I almost feel that if that's something you have to do because of "tradition" than I don't want to get married

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Its not something you have to do for "tradition". Each person's bachelor party is different. If you feel like your fiancé doesn't respect your feelings or would blatantly disregard your concerns, then I'd re-evaluate the relationship.

What are you worried will happen....touching? Kissing? Sex? I'd let him know what your boundaries are (ie look but don't touch) and leave it at that. Unless you don't trust him...in which case, again, I'd re-evaluate the relationship.

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Guys still go to strip clubs for bachelor parties?! What is this, 1986?

 

I agree with you that this is weirdo, hurtful behavior and needs to be discussed with him. And he needs to understand that this isn't cool on SO many levels. Good luck.

 

And I'm surprised so many women are okay with it, as if strip clubs aren't little more than the ultimate objectification and commoditisation of women. Such creepy and disrespectful places.

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What the friend said to you was highly disrespectful, he really should never talk to anybody like that, it's rude and uncalled for. I sense some bitterness on his side, he may be jealous that his best friend is getting married, or annoyed by the fact that their friendship will never be the same. I also think you should talk to your boyfriend about boundaries, and only because of the way his friend worded this - almost like a threat - he should refuse to go to the strip club. He needs to teach his friends to respect you, because if he just rolls with it and doesn't stick up for you, it's going to set up a precedent, and his best friend will always feel entitled to be rude to you and disregard your feelings in different situations. This needs to be nipped in the bud, now, by your fiancé.

 

I don't think him going to a strip club is a big deal, and if it wasn't for the friend's disrespect, I would have told you to lighten up and not make a big deal out of it. But because of the way you were told about it, I really hope your guy stands up for you and doesn't succumb to peer pressure.

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Guys still go to strip clubs for bachelor parties?! What is this, 1986?

 

I agree with you that this is weirdo, hurtful behavior and needs to be discussed with him. And he needs to understand that this isn't cool on SO many levels. Good luck.

 

And I'm surprised so many women are okay with it, as if strip clubs aren't little more than the ultimate objectification and commoditisation of women. Such creepy and disrespectful places.

 

You're entitled to your opinion, but others are entitled to theirs as well. Not much to be surprised about, IMO.

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You're entitled to your opinion, but others are entitled to theirs as well.

 

Yeah, of course! Where did I say they weren't?! I'm just very surprised that any woman could endorse something so clearly creepy, sexist, objectifying and degrading to women.

 

But then I've also met people who think stripping etc is somehow empowering to women, so each to their own I guess. I just can't see it, myself!

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Yeah, of course! Where did I say they weren't?! I'm just very surprised that any woman could endorse something so clearly creepy, sexist, objectifying and degrading to women.

 

But then I've also met people who think stripping etc is somehow empowering to women, so each to their own I guess. I just can't see it, myself!

 

That makes a lot of assumptions. If the women (or men, I should add) working in strip clubs are doing it 1) Willingly, not forced. 2) Knowing exactly what they are getting into (i.e. that they will be getting naked and having people stare at them). 3) Are protected from those who might harm them (drunken people, people following them to their cars etc). How is it that different from the half naked models in the fashion world? At least with strippers they have to be 18.

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How is it that different from the half naked models in the fashion world?

 

Really?! Err, because fashion models aren't nude, spreading their legs and grinding their privates against a pole while a room full of guys whoop and holler and hand them money for their 'services'.

 

Like I said, each to their own. I went to a strip club once when I was in my late teens, though, and the women there looked anything but empowered. It was a truly vile place to be.

 

I'm not a believer that just because an adult chooses to do something, it automatically validates it as being a positive thing to do. It's much more complicated than that.

 

Trust me, people close to me have worked in the sex trade so I've seen the other side of it. Hence my strong feelings.

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Personally, I don't see the reason for a man, who is about to get married, to have the need to go out and do anything - bachelor party or not - behind your back. If he HAS to do something like that, he is not ready for marriage. I see no problem with a bachelor party where the guys all kick back, drink too much, toast their friend's luck at finding a good girl to marry. Bringing strippers into it, I think has been an age old tradition, but pretty harmless if that's all it is. I am well aware of the chipendale style strippers being "guests" at the bride's party.

 

The problem I have is the "behind the back" statements. What happens in vegas, stays in vegas attitude. That IS disrespectful, and you are undeserving of that type of treatment. Your fiancé's best man is an xxxhole and should be confronted by HIM. Personally, I would fire the best man for talking to my girlfriend like that.

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Really?! Err, because fashion models aren't nude, spreading their legs and grinding their privates against a pole while a room full of guys whoop and holler and hand them money for their 'services'.

 

Like I said, each to their own. I went to a strip club once when I was in my late teens, though, and the women there looked anything but empowered.

 

I'm not a believer that just because an adult chooses to do something, it automatically validates it as being a good thing to do. It's much more complicated than that.

 

Trust me, people close to me have worked in the sex trade so I've seen the other side of it. Hence my strong feelings.

 

So its not the the nudity you object to but women being sexual?

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So its not the the nudity you object to but women being sexual?

 

Not really sure how you got to such a broad, stereotypical conclusion.

 

If a woman has no problem with their man visiting strip clubs and their daughters taking up that career in their own futures, then who am I to judge? It's none of my business.

 

All I was saying (which I thought was made pretty clear) was that it's not for me and I don't personally understand it.

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My SO was there for the conversation but said nothing. One of the other people sitting there said "drop the conversation your gonna get K in trouble with his girl" and the friend said "that sucks for him". I feel like my guy will tell them my feelings but now I just think they are going to be disregarded and he'll go along with it and use the excuse that it was out of his control.

If this happens I unfortunately don't know if I could continue with the relationship.

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My fear is that if this actually happens that I won't be able to move past it. I've mentioned my feelings to my guy before but I don't want to keep bringing it up. I almost feel that if that's something you have to do because of "tradition" than I don't want to get married

 

Then be prepared to call off the wedding. You can't go into marriage with this kind of an emotional block on deck.

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And I'm surprised so many women are okay with it, as if strip clubs aren't little more than the ultimate objectification and commoditisation of women. Such creepy and disrespectful places.

 

I think you did more than say it just isn't for you- and I think that then turns this thread into whether strip clubs are morally objectionable or not, which brings it to an argumentative place that doesn't help the poster at all. The main issue is what's happening in her relationship, not whether strip clubs objectify women.

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I would rethink this relationship. Honestly, if you're getting ready to get married to him, you had to have spent enough time to know his character. This whole event really shouldn't be much of a surprise, and if it were me, I wouldn't want to marry someone who isn't willing to stand up for me. What's going to happen when a similar situation materializes AFTER you are legally married? You will have to live with it, that's what.

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I think you did more than say it just isn't for you- and I think that then turns this thread into whether strip clubs are morally objectionable or not, which brings it to an argumentative place that doesn't help the poster at all. The main issue is what's happening in her relationship, not whether strip clubs objectify women.

 

Agreed! Hence my clear comments towards the OP regarding her question.

 

As I said, if someone feels that stripping and strip clubs are a positive thing for them, their man and their female friends/family to be a part of, then that's nothing to do with me.

 

I am only surprised, based on my own experience and that of women close to me.

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