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Honest opinions what is the reasonable thing to do.


Crewbag420

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My relationship of 5 months is leaving me feeling unsure of what to do.

 

Me (23) and my partner (21) are often left with nothing to say to one another when in each others company and its uncomfortable. 5 months isn't a long time I know but we came into this very fast and I moved in with her after a short time, she also has a 2 y/o daughter who is wonderful most of times.

 

The initial 2 months were really great and there was no sex involved as we both agreed to wait, we passed that stage now but it's made the relationship feel stale and I'm struggling to stay happy.

 

I don't want to sound selfish but we hardly ever have sex or any intimacy whatsoever. She knows how much I would like to make love to her and I explained how I feel I can't truly connect without this, yet she still has some sort of excuse to put it off.

I understand that handling her daughter can tire her out through the day and she is my partners entire world. I understood that she would have her hands full with her daughter when we first got together, but to an extent where as soon as her head hits the pillow at night she rolls over and goes to sleep, my advances on her only get met by an excuse or rejection which is very hard to ignore as I see myself having an average sex drive which would mean at least once a week, as it stands we have had sex about 5 times in the 3 months since we became sexually active with each other, though 2 of the times we had been interrupted by her daughter waking in the night.

 

I have taken her aside and had some deep talks to her regarding our sex life and she has said that she will make more of an effort for me and understands my needs.. Here I am though seeking advice.

 

This relationship isn't sexually based as I would have packed my bags before now but I do have strong feelings for this woman and her daughter, I just can't carry on with things the way they are.

The real answer I'm looking for is should I stay with this woman?

Is it selfish for me to feel this way down to her lack of sexual desire?

Is she being unreasonable by denying my advances time after time?

 

Sex isn't everything to me but I feel it's a vital part of a committed relationship and I don't want to do her wrong by breaking up with her for this reason only.

 

Thank you for reading.

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I think you're already acting like an old married couple. You're wayyyy too young for that. I would scale down the amount of time you're staying at her house. Sex is not everything but for a guy it's a huge thing, so if this is already lacking, I hate to say it likely won't get better. JMO

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Stop staying with her. She is not interested in sex with you. She's interested in you helping pay for her lifestyle and making her life as a single mother easier. Stop doing that. If she wants a roommate, then she should put an advert in the paper for one.

 

Move back out and stop going over there. She doesn't want you like that.

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>>are often left with nothing to say to one another when in each others company and its uncomfortable

 

that's all I need to hear... you moved too fast trying to slip into being an 'insta-family' before you really knew her well enough to know whether she is the right woman for you. You don't talk to each other and your intimacy is rare. This is more like roommates than a 'family' (and roommates who aren't even that close and don't even really like each other if you don't really talk all that much).

 

It is hard, but time to break this off and move on. You're both young and plenty of time to find the RIGHT partner for yourself. And you don't want this little girl getting any more attached to you if you and her mother aren't that good a match.

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Having a small child can be emotionally and physically draining. Children add so much to our quality of life, but they do take a toll on our energy overall. This will change over time, but it's a life-long issue, her daughter will always need to come first. That said, it will get easier physically, when the little girl is a bit older.

 

However, speaking honestly, if your sexual appetites aren't matching up so soon into the relationship, it's possible they never will. At this point it should be difficult to keep your hands off each other.....right?

 

You have deep feelings for her and you also care about her daughter. In my humble opinion that's reason to stay and try to work things out. Don't want to sound trite but counseling is an option, but if you don't see any effort on her part and no changes in the next 6 months (or whatever period you might consider....) it might be best for you to end the relationship. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Without it.....you're just friends/roommates! I wish you the best!!

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Thanks for the reply, I have actually brought your point up in conversation before and it does appear to be hindering any progression in our relationship.

 

I think I will take your advice and have a talk with her regarding this.

 

With me working away lots of the time I only see her on weekends, i suppose I just expect to get some sort of affection and passion from her when I return but there's nothing.

It just feels like I'm her financial provider as she doesn't work.. We are really good friends but maybe that's the extent to it..

I will have a talk to her and see what it is exactly that she wants from this relationship as my confidence, ego and self esteem seem to be getting worse everytime I get shunned away by her.

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She's not the one for you.

 

It's crazy to me she has a man living with her (practically, enough so her daughter sees him around all the time) while she raises a young daughter, and meanwhile, you two aren't even serious enough in her eyes to be having sex.

 

It sounds to me like she is just trying to get by in her life, and whatever comes to her, ok. But she's not making an effort to actively create anything. Just sort of...you are here, it's easy that you come over and are around (even if it's not in best interest of her child), and it's easy for her too to simply roll over and go to sleep. Just....no interest in effort for anything on her part. Which is sort of understandable for such a young mother - but still not ok iMO.

 

Get the hell out and go date women who can and want to DATE. She could have done that, but chose not to. And you went with that too.

 

And if after a period of dating , there is no connection - sexually, romantically, as two people who enjoy each others company - you stop dating them. Kids shouldn't be put into the picture until that stuff is figured out and two people are serious. Neither should constant sleep overs.

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Thanks mines, that was a very thorough and inciteful piece.

 

Well after talking to others who are available to talk to me about such things they have said the same, that we should be all over each other and she told me about her sexual appetite before we started to have sex but I have yet to see any of it.

She has also explained she was sexually abused in her last relationship( father to her daughter) who had raped her and had sex with her while she was asleep without her consent and this has become a touchy issue as I don't feel I can initiate sex in anyway unless she gets drunk which I find repulsing. She never makes a move but says how much of a good man I am to her and her daughter and she would never want to lose me, but by saying one thing she does the opposite and pushes me away when it comes down to us doing anything intimate that should strengthen us. I have too many mixed signals coming from her and I'm confused as where to turn next. I thought I was in for a good holiday as I had 2 weeks off from work to spend with her and catch up on all the intimacy we missed out on. Sorry if this is crude but after 3 times being pushed away last week alone I was so sexually frustrated I had to leave the house and go elsewhere to relieve myself.

I thought I'd been very patient with her and told her sex wasn't a big deal to me but after 5 months I thought there would be some sort of regularity to this but I never know when it is coming and I refuse to have sex when she is so drunk that she wouldn't be able to tell the difference between me and any other man.

 

I don't want to see this as a reason to part ways but things haven't gotten any better in the past 2 months so I believe I may be best to end things sooner tray her than later as I have a bond with her daughter that will only get stronger and when one day when I can't handle it anymore and leave she will wonder where I have gone and it upsets me that I would have to leave them both but it would be for the better right?

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>>but says how much of a good man I am to her and her daughter and she would never want to lose me,

 

That translated is 'I am a 21 year old single mother with a 2 year old and need a man to help out financially and with my daughter.' That statement (and her actions) show nothing about her actually loving you or wanting you as a person, more about 'having a man' to help her out financially because she unwisely had a child at 19 with someone else who turned out to be a jerk. Now she wants a breadwinner.

 

So don't let yourself get used... she is showing no real affection or attraction to you at all, but may be willing to keep you around until she meets another man who will take care of her and her daughter, that she is actually interested in emotionally and sexually. Stop trying to pound a square peg into a round hole, and get out now and find a girl who is really attracted to you and wants you for you and not just in a breadwinner/caretaker role. You're too young to give up on love and intimacy just because you've hooked up with a girl who turned out to want you in a breadwinner/father figure role but who is not a true love match.

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I dont feel you are being 'selfish', I can understand your feelings re: her lack of...

 

I find her lack of desire rather odd. This little amount you've recieved with her is not normal.. and yes, I agree you are 'normal' with your interest. I've heard recently, that a relationships without this is just a 'friendship', which seems true enough.

It is a part of a relationship.

 

And as already mentioned by JA^^ If it's already lacking here in this many months, not likely it's going to improve.

Fact is.. is this what YOU want??

 

And as Kendahke mentioned ^^ Stop giving her all here, she should be giving into this relationship as well.

 

Some things to think about... but I understand your issues.

 

gd luck

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