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I'm so happy it's the new year...(sarcasm)


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Hello and happy new year

 

I hope everyone managed to do something nice last night?

 

I went to a party and everyone at the party was pairing off. It felt like no body wanted me and that hurt.

 

I know that sounds a bit pathetic but my confidence is terrible since being left by my abusive ex. And when we were happy he would put me on a pedestal like no other, he would say I didn't need anyone else to fancy me because I had him and I agreed with that. We would fight and then it would always go back to that and now I don't have that I feel like I need people to value me in a similar way. I know that's wrong but it's just how i feel at the moment. I don't know how to make it go away.

 

I feel insecure seeing women or images of women. Wondering what they have that makes them desirable and me not. I don't know how to turn it off. I hate being this way too, I am a feminist. But I feel so lonely and unloved it is eating away at me.

 

I had some sort of weird hope on this one guy last night and he left with another girl in front of my very eyes...apparently he is no good with women though-as my friend tells me-so I think I dodged a bullet there (it wouldn't surprise me judging by my taste in men) But still, it made me wonder if I am just really terrible at getting together with people. Although I used to pursue people in a shamefully obvious way and I am not doing that at all now. I don't think I can be that person anymore either. I can't be happy go lucky or wear my heart on my sleeve in the same way I used to. People have been hurting me because of that for years and now I actually physically can't let myself give too much away because I am really scared of getting hurt. It's actually a thing a lot of me exes loved me for, my unashamed honesty in liking them. But I think my ex may have killed it. How horrible...

 

I just ended up going and sitting alone every now and then because I was sad. I helped a girl who was vomiting on the floor for a bit-thought I may as well be useful to others if I was just wondering around alone and unwanted.

 

So I'm not feeling too optimistic about the new year. I hate what this day symbolizes. People look at their lives and think about what they have achieved. That just makes me sad doing that.

 

I'm considering going on an online dating site in the future. I don't really like those things but I started wondering if I will ever meet anyone who is good in my life. It doesn't seem likely. I probably need new friends and a new life. I am on the way to doing this. Moving towns next week. I just wish the pain would go away that I seem to have almost all of the time. It's like a pining and a deep feeling of depression. I still have suicidal thoughts. A feeling of certainty that it's a good idea comes to me in random quick bursts. But then I cry because it makes me sad that I would think about doing that. I think I am a good person in many ways. It's sad when no one wants you. Nice guys finish last...where does that leave nice, insecure girls? Crying from horrible relationships? I think so.

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Well done for going out, even if it was a bit of a challenging experience!

 

(I couldn't face going to a couples-heavy party last night, so I stayed in and watched a couple of movies)

 

I'd advise not rushing into online dating sites. I've heard a few horror stories from folks who've had bad experiences of them. I guess if you feel ok about yourself and generally strong, you could put down a bad internet-dating-site experience as "just one of those things", or even a bit of a laugh. If you do the internet dating thing as a way to help you feel better about yourself - it might not be as helpful as you hope. Also... don't let your next relationship be (or become) another abusive one.

 

(your mileage may vary with any of the above paragraph)

 

You said "It's sad when no one wants you". I'm sure there is someone out there who will want you, and respect you as you deserve. It might take a while for your paths to cross. Take care!

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Would you consider getting a little pet? I've been wondering if that would help people who are feeling lonely. You'd have a little buddy who you'd be #1 to and who would love you right up without reservation. Maybe not practical but something I've been thinking about when people write about how sad and lonely they are.

I think your best move is to get some counseling or therapy after having had such a traumatic relationship. The things you say about yourself are not true and your perception has been skewed as well as you may be depressed. Its hard to attract the right people when we're not feeling good about ourselves. Sometimes we send out the wrong vibes as if we know we are crap and when people pick up on that two things happen....the "good mates/quality people" don't want to date anyone who feels like they're crap --its tiring trying to build someone up when they don't feel good about themselves AND its unhealthy because they're not a healthy partner. AND, secondly, people who are users/abusers are looking for someone to kick around because that's who THEY are....so when you send the vibe "nobody wants me, etc." they'll be happy to confirm that because abusing people makes them feel "better than"/good about themselves, etc. So we end up repelling the kind of people we SHOULD be with and attracting the kind of people we SHOULDN'T be with. Its worth every cent and your time and energy to address this in therapy. It would change your whole life.

Everyone has excuses....work, low funds, no time....the people who overcome this kind of issue (depression/self fulfilling negativity) put those excuses aside and address it because its THAT important and the excuses are just excuses.

Do it.

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I have a dog and a cat and a therapist. The dog definitely helps.

 

I don't think I was sending out the wrong vibes. I was just trying to have a nice time and talk to people. I wasn't expecting people to "build me up". I just got sad when everyone else seemed to be getting off with someone new that night expect me. The guy I liked was dancing with this girl all overly sexually and then they left together so I really do think that worked out for the best for me that I wasn't that girl dancing all sexily, cause as I said my friend said he is very bad with women.

 

I'm certainly never going to be the type who dances like that with a man I barely know. And I don't want to be.

 

I think I probably just started to presume everyone was with someone else at one point too. Like it would be easier to admit defeat to myself that everyone doesn't want to talk to me and they're happy in the couples they're standing in than to risk embarrassing myself trying to have a conversation with them.

 

I think I can be quite impatient sometimes. I don't put a lot of effort into trying to get to know someone at a party if I feel like they could be with someone else and I like them. Maybe I'm just terrified of dating still. I think there's a bit of that.

 

My friend who's gone through a break up was hanging out with me last night and he's going on dates with a girl while he's still not over his lonnng term recent ex at all-he was even trying to text her last night. Everyone seems to be moving on and dating but not me. I do feel like there must be something wrong with me that everyone else can date but I've always had a terrible time dating, endless bad choices....it gets me really mad too because it's all I really want, a nice relationship. But `I don't seem to be able to have one. I blame my recent ex a lot for making me feel so much worse about this too. It's like he was the nail in the coffin

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So I'm not feeling too optimistic about the new year. I hate what this day symbolizes. People look at their lives and think about what they have achieved.

 

I think a lot of people look at this day and think about what they will achieve in the upcoming year, not what they've done. Maybe that would be a better thought for you, too.

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Yeah, I know. I am trying that, but I don't know what I want to achieve and I have tried to decide but it's just not coming to me. I keep looking for opportunities and pursuing them but it never really amounts to anything. That's acting for you.

 

That's why it was so nice to have a boyfriend. I could keep on trying and persevering but still be comfortable with where I was in life because we were in it together. I guess he's got what he wanted now in life and what he wanted seems to be taking up all his time now. And he hated me having what I wanted, a job....doesn't seem fair at all. Anyway. There are still many things I miss about being with him.

 

I'd like to stop feeling suicidal. That's actually the main thing I would like.

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Good for you to go out.. and try. I didnt do anything just stayed at home, in my own domain. Im okay with that.

Best way for me to avoid situations like that...

 

Relationships and live dont just happen along one right after another... normally. It happens when it does is all. Please dont put yourself down- im sure that's just some negativity you're feeling with this last week or so- holiday time.. loved ones together etc...

 

Yes, it is hard when alone but you also need to realize you should be happy with yourself.. alone & not alone.

Give it all some time.. no need to 'rush' into anything.. we've all been involved and we've all been separate.. on our own.

I am sure your time will come along, again.

 

If you're wanting to try a dating site.. give it a try.. but remember... work on being happy with YOU.

 

tc

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I too went out to a couple of party's new years eve. I was home by 11. Did not want to be around all the couples, really were no singles at either party.

 

The few that were there i was not interested in. SO I was home by 11 as I did not want to see all the happy couples at midnight...

 

It sucks but what are you going to do. I made sure I did not drink so I was actually ok...

 

You are good and need to get with someone who matches your goodness. your ex was not that person..

 

Please do not let him still hurt you. Now you are dong it to yourself.. please stop

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Stupid couples! Bah Humbug.

 

I guess the thing is with seeing couples everywhere, you have no idea how happy they are. I probably looked pretty happy with my ex a lot of the time. It's like the idea of marriage, you think "oh that looks great!" but it's actually a lot more hard work than it appears to non married people who are fantasising about marriage as this wonderful fairytale thing.

 

I actually had a good day yesterday you know. I don't know how it happened but I did! The morning started terribly I was a mess but then the rest of the day was fun, I did lots of things I wouldn't usually and I spoke to loads of people. Last year me and my ex went to do this thing with some friends of mine and I was too scared to join in so I watched, this year I went along with similar friends and joined in. I remember my ex saying last year "oh it's good you didn't join in cause you would have been too scared". I was FINE. That felt good to have done that and discovered I was fine. He was always saying how I was scared of doing new things and that is one of his many many "reasons" for dumping me. I think a lot of people are scared of doing things for the first time but it's not for your boyfriend to put you don't about it. Also, he made me feel nervous because of his randomly changing moods which is why I was anxious. I hated him saying I needed to change all the time, why should I change for him?! What an ****hole. I am really very nervous about so many things still though. Because he'd criticise me so much and it just gets stuck in your head. But anyway, at least I had a good day. I also ate three meals! Big meals.

 

I think there's something in just saying yes to things even when you're worried about it or not sure. I got so used to saying no because my ex would say no to invitations we got all the time. And if we did go out he would moan about it. And if I said I enjoyed myself then he'd start to say I should hang out with them more but he wouldn't be doing that and for some weird reason that made me feel like I would loose him if I hung out with them more so I wouldn't. So many endless mind games and horrible stuff. I don't want to think about it anymore. I really don't. It's exhausting. I think I'll just eat more food today and say yes to more cool stuff. Doing things for yourself is great.

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I think the good news here is that,from your posts, it seems to me you're missing a relationship rather than him specifically. This is quite a big step.

 

The holidays are tough but get- they're over now!

 

And don't pressure yourself to find someone. I was 2 years between my last two serious relationships,and I entered my last one fully healed and ready to fall in love again- I plan on being in that place before getting serious with anyone again!

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@cryingalways: you don't have to change yourself for anyone! If someone criticizes who you are, it shouldn't make you doubt yourself that easily.. My ex used to do this all the time, and also giving petty reasons to break up.. When truth is, if you truly love someone you respect who they are and let them be who they are rather than wanting to change things. Using 'you're always scared to try anything new' is such a lame reason to break up with you!! Can you imagine saying stuff like that to your bf?? No, bc you respect them and let them be who they are. So don't doubt yourself.

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Oh he had many "reasons" for breaking up. It was basically a never ending list of critisising me and putting down my life, my ambitions, my emotions, my past relationships, my hobbies, my friends, my job...he was just in some crazy bad mood I think and he was taking it out on me like a horrible **** as a power trip to improve his self esteem.

 

I never say anything mean when I break up with someone. I just do it and then apologise and try and make it easier if they're nice or just get away if they're nasty. He was acting like I was dumping him, he reaaalllllyy was. It was crazy stuff. Like he was angry I was not different and it was my fault I was the way I was. I for one had never done anything mean to him EVER and stupidly thought his crazy critics were insecurity so tried to be considerate and change myself in ways to help him with his insecurity. BAH!

 

Anyway. I will try not to doubt myself. I would like that back yes.

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