My Girlfriend says she needs space but says she still loves me.

[Fame1977]

I'm sure this has been posted by other people before, and I'm sure my situation is not unique. None the less, I would like some advice. Guys and Girls, please

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half. Everything was amazing and she is the perfect girl for me.

She has 2 kids, one 10, one college aged, and is extremely busy. Even so, she managed to find time for me. She works on weekends and gets home late but would still make time for me.

We have been friends for years, and decided to date, and again, everything was great. Then because of school starting and us working opposite shifts, she was more busy than usual, helping her youngest daughter with homework, and still working weekends but working later and going to work earlier as well.

Then all of a sudden, things changed. She never had time for me and our relationship became mostly texts and phone calls.

I was patient and didn't complain even though she wasn't around as much.

Then I kept talking to her about us, and she said she felt horrible because she wasn't around as much and even though I didn't complain about it, it made her feel bad. I offered suggestions to make it easier on her, so I could see her. We would make plans, but she would back out, again saying she was too busy. I accepted it, because I was crazy about her, and she said she still loved it. She didn't exactly act the same during texts, but every now and then she would say she would miss me.

A small disclaimer, she was in 2 horrible relationships before me. Without diverging too much, the first one was bad enough that it is a main cause of her confusion now.

Which brings it to why I am posting. She now says she needs space and a break, because she thinks she doesn't deserve me because she is never around for me. Because of the horrible relationship, she is more confused and scared, because of the next step for us and the way to see each other would be to move in together. Because she is scared of losing a bit of control and starting a life with someone else. I don't know if this is all talk to be nice or what, but she said she still loves me. She doesnt want anyone else. She just thinks she isn't being fair to me. Which yeah, it upset me, that she didn't have time for me. But after saying that I'm wonderful to her, and that I'm amazing, and she still loves me, she told me wants a break.

She said she still wants to talk to me, since we were great friends.

I guess my question is, should I just call it a day on the relationship? She said I could see other people but it would kill her. I want to do whatever to keep her and I want to give her space. I do. I'm just lost and confused.

[sharky988]

Dude, if someone wants to be with you, they're never *too busy.*

 

I take it as a big red flag that she was able to be friends for many years before going romantic on you..... that's a sign that the attraction just isn't there. And a "break" is just BS, it's a way to keep you as a safety net while she looks around to see who else is out there....

 

Don't do it. Don't be her "friend". Don't hold her hand through this breakup, while she looks for her next boyfriend.

 

Go No Contact, so you can heal and move on. If she's fine with you seeing other women? She's just not feeling it for you, my friend.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[lavenderdove]

Well, breaking up with you isn't exactly fair either is it? If the problem is she doesn't spend enough time with you, how is spending NO time with you going to be any better?

 

For whatever reason, she is losing interesting in the relationship and you... words are easy and cheap, and she may feel guilty about breaking up with you and hurting you, but she just isn't agreeing to move into the next phase of commitment with you, and is in fact reducing her commitment rather than increasing it. So sadly I think she checked out of the relationship a while ago, and probably is squeamish at the thought of hurting you so she's just been sneaking away a little at a time. And she likes you well enough as a friend so will keep you around for that, but isn't interested in a relationship with you.

 

When someone asks for a break, consider it a break-up unless they have a very specific timeframe or issues to work on for a set period of time (i.e., a one-month break to clear their head, a one-month break to go to rehab, a one-month break to focus on finishing schoolwork etc.). The problem here is that the 'issue' is she doesn't want to spend time with you, so a break is the opposite of working on an issue, it is instead getting even farther away from you rather than resolving that. So she isn't working on it at all.

 

Never let yourself be demoted from BF to buddy and 'bestest friend'. That is a whole lot of torture for you, while she gets to keep you around as a security blanket while she gives you nothing and works on a new life without you in it. So the appropriate response to this is, 'if you want space, i'll give you all the space in the world, as in, I don't want to hear from you unless you decide you made a mistake and want to get back together. We are not 'working' on our relationship and being together if you've demoted me to a friend, so we're not in a relationship. I have no interest in being 'just a friend', only your BF, so it is time to let go and move on. If you change your mind and want to really work on this, then call me, otherwise i'm going no contact and getting on with my life and working on getting over you and finding someone who does want to be with me.'

 

Remember, if you agree to be 'demoted', she's got exactly what she wants, a guy in the background for whenever she needs something, but also she has total freedom to do anything she pleases or see anyone else she pleases. And of course she won't be telling you about that, and in fact may already be seeing someone or trying to get back with one of her abusive exes and is too ashamed to admit that. Many women who go for multiple abusive relationships love the 'bad boys' and don't know how to do a normal relationship and in the end find it uninteresting and go looking for another bad boy to stimulate them whenever they've spend enough time with a normal man to feel better. So they use the 'normal' man to recover from the negative effects of an abusive relationship, but once they feel better, they go looking for another exciting/bad man having forgotten how bad bad can be! They love the drama and intensity of an abusive relationship, but of course don't love the violence. So they want to tread that line and find the highs of an abusivie relationship without dealing with the lows. And they definitely don't want 'normal' or they wouldn't continually get involved with multiple bad boys.

[Fame1977]

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate them and they are helping.

She did say that she wants a break to clear her head and see if she can get over the issues of being in the bad relationship from before. And saying it scared her to think about moving in together. I mentioned that all couples go through rough patches and she did say maybe this our rough patch.

On the flip side, and out of curiosity on what you think, what if it is the rough patch and there is a way to get back together? Or am I just grasping for air here?

[sharky988]

You're grasping at straws.

 

When you really love someone and want to be with them.... you make it happen.

 

Don't you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them??

 

Her reasons are EXCUSES.... her feelings for you aren't strong enough and she's trying to create a situation in which you are acting as a safety net for her while she recovers from the breakup and starts looking for her next boyfriend. She wants you as a BACKUP PLAN.

[lavenderdove]

If is is a rough patch, you should suggest couple counseling to her to try to get to the bottom of her fear of commitment. And frankly, if she's been in a couple of abusive relationships, she does need some kind of therapy on her own to understand why she got enmeshed in that type of relationship, and how to live a normal life without the high drama of an abusive relationship.

 

So I suggest you tell her you think if she wants a break, you should have a one month break with NO contact at all.. no talks, no texts, no emails etc. And at the end of that month, she decides whether she prefers to be alone and not in the relationship, or whether she wants to try to make it work. And if she does want to try, then you must get her to agree to a short course of couples counseling with you to steer you through this rough patch rather than her just retreating and avoiding you. If she won't agree to counseling, then she's not serious about the relationship.

[Fame1977]

She did say she was going to try to see a counseler, to see if it would help. To top this off the main reason why I am confused is that she said she loved me and missed me a few days before breaking up with me, and we had plans the day of the conversation. She doesn't know if she wants to talk to me anymore either.

[lavenderdove]

The point is she can work on herself for herself, but if she won't agree to work on the relationship with you, see you, move towards more commitment, it is basically over. So I suggest that you really go no contact and only talk to her in a month to see where she is. If she's not willing to get back into the relationhip with you again at that time, then you know she's just doing the 'slow dump' or the 'cowardly dump' where she's not being honest with you and just stringing you along as a security blanket until she meets someone new.

[Kendahke]

She's met someone else.

[JA0371]

Hmmm....my biggest issue here is that you've been friends for a long time, so she shouldn't be 'scared' of how her last relationships went. You know pretty much all about her, and have been loyal. So IMO I think she is trying to Friendzone you. I also agree with the poster who said if she wants 'space' then you need to go NC for at least a few weeks. You cannot be her shoulder to cry on, or her support system while she in essence demotes ou from BF status to 'friend'. That's not your place.

[No1]

She might have loads of problems, but if she really wanted to be with you, she would of asked you to help her go thru it instead of cutting you loose.

I think she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you but wants you around. She just doesnt want to be committed to you. This way if she meets someone or wants to go out on a date she is not technically 'cheating' on you.

She let you go...

She is also probably very confused and confused is not good for you. I am going to agree with Kendahke and say she met someone and is letting you down easy.

Good luck to you, but I would not be in denial anymore and accept that she let you go.

[SooSad33]

Like the others are saying. Sounds like she's got some 'issues' and is pushing you aside.

Especially something like issues over an ex? Give her that space.

 

There is no need to remain her 'friend', especially while YOU are trying to 'accept' and deal with this break up. It'll only hurt you more. I suggest a clean break. Leave her alone- totally.

 

She's given you a number of hints that are saying enough, sadly. She's 'changed' re: things about you & this relationship.

 

Nothing more you can do about this now.. am sorry. Accept respect her and her wishes.

 

tc

[Fame1977]

I'm not sure if it makes any difference at all, but the night before she said all of this, she was still saying I Love You, and texted me at like 2 in the morning that I was amazing. Then she breaks it off, and even before that, the weekend before, she said she missed me and loved me. And was sad she had missed an important family event I had.

[nick66]

The "I need space" is the same as the "I love you but I'm not in love with you." It means I'm trying out someone else on the side and need time to see if it will work.

[lavenderdove]

even before that, the weekend before, she said she missed me and loved me.

 

She hoping to convert you back into being a friend. And she knew what was coming (that she was about to give you the boot), so she was trying to soften the blow. It is a common thing that people do, especially if they are dating a 'nice' person who is doing nothing really wrong other than the person wanting the break up feels like they are more a friend than being in love. So they will try to hang onto the friendship and soften the blow because they want the friendship and not the romance.

 

You tell your mother or your siblings that you love them and miss them, but that doesn't mean you will marry them or be romantic with them! Don't let her words fool you, it is her actions that count. She has been slowly cutting you out of her life as a romance, and not is trying to drop the hammer and stop the romance, but keep you as a friend. That isn't to your advantage, so you should go no contact and heal and find someone who does want a romance and not just friendship with you.

[HeartGoesOn]

She's shopping around while keeping you on a shelf, just in case she comes up empty. Respect yourself, and don't be that person...

[Fame1977]

She really has been a great friend to me. I have talked to her for years. I'm not trying to rationalize her behavior, or say I should or should not be her friend. To me, it doesn't feel right NOT being in her life to some degree. Is that dumb of me to think that?

And the weird part is, when I did see her in the few times I did recently, it was like there was still something there. Maybe I imagined it all. I don't know. The main cause of my confusion is the friend thing, because of the time I've known her. Then, she never once indicated she was not wanting a romance with me. She just kept indicating that the situation made her unhappy. And now she is saying she is scared of the future. And she did say the break may not be permanent. Do these things ever work out for the better? And if so, how? could I assist on that? The consensus says be there for her, but leave all communication to her.

[AutumnBorn]

The "I need space" is the same as the "I love you but I'm not in love with you." It means I'm trying out someone else on the side and need time to see if it will work.

 

Your translation sounds spot on. Even if she hasn't started seeing him yet, she likely has someone in mind.

 

Fame, I think you need to stop counting on what she said and think about what she did. She broke it off. The reason she gave you appears to be a way of making it easier for her to do it and for you to accept.

[AutumnBorn]

Fame, I'm a broken record. Check out Al Turtle's website (he's amazing) and start reading at the link entitled "What to do when he/she leaves you".

 

Here's the link: link removed

[nick66]

You're letting her control your feelings and emotions. You're letting yourself perhaps look at something that isn't there. You need to do whatever it is you feel is right for you, but the advice given here is all from experience, not guessing.

 

There's nothing wrong with being friends if it's something you can handle, but most can't. My ex-wife of 16 years and I went out last night for New Year's and had a great time together. We get along great with no problems between us. I would never take her back as my wife, but we still get along great and that's important for our kids.

 

You need to start looking out for yourself and quit trying to analyze everything she says or does. She wants to keep you around as a safety net. If you feel you can be second best then that's up to you.

 

I'm not second best to any man and I sure as hell don't need a woman who tries to make me feel that way.

[Ms Darcy]

Hmmm....my biggest issue here is that you've been friends for a long time, so she shouldn't be 'scared' of how her last relationships went. You know pretty much all about her, and have been loyal. So IMO I think she is trying to Friendzone you. I also agree with the poster who said if she wants 'space' then you need to go NC for at least a few weeks. You cannot be her shoulder to cry on, or her support system while she in essence demotes ou from BF status to 'friend'. That's not your place.

 

I think this is spot on. I get the feeling she is not as attracted to you as you are to her. Listen, you are super into her. I bet all of that distance she gave you really ramped up your desire for her. It also made you feel like she was independent, interesting, intriguing ... great. But I think her constant busyness was a sign of a general lack of attraction on her part and this has reached a breaking point. I also think it's very possible she has someone else on the brain ... an ex or a new guy.

 

No, your story isn't new. Neither is the "I love you" stuff right before the break up. I know it's confusing but on the other side of it, she wants to downgrade you back to a friend.

[No1]

My friend, I know its hard and I understand you. You are grasping at anything that sounds like hope that its not over but Im telling you that you will feel better if you just admit that its over. You are in a state of emotional shock and confusion. I did the same thing and I can tell you that its better to say that she broke up with you and you are no longer her boyfriend. Dont grasp or defend or overthink, just accept

[Tanzi]

She did say she was going to try to see a counseler, to see if it would help. To top this off the main reason why I am confused is that she said she loved me and missed me a few days before breaking up with me, and we had plans the day of the conversation. She doesn't know if she wants to talk to me anymore either.

 

Unfortunately this is all too common. You will hear it time and time again on ena ... and, in fact, my ex-husband was telling me he still loved me a week before he left (and whilst he was seeing someone else). I don't know why it is. It could be habit. It may be out of guilt. They may be trying to grab at what once was. It could even be a rush of "emotion" ... BUT ... whatever it is, it isn't ENOUGH anymore or as REAL anymore. If it were, nothing would have changed. You really don't go from being in love one minute to not wanting to talk to someone any more the next. There has been a whole lot of emotional change happening in her that you weren't privy too.

 

And the weird part is, when I did see her in the few times I did recently, it was like there was still something there. Maybe I imagined it all. I don't know. The main cause of my confusion is the friend thing, because of the time I've known her. Then, she never once indicated she was not wanting a romance with me. She just kept indicating that the situation made her unhappy. And now she is saying she is scared of the future. And she did say the break may not be permanent. Do these things ever work out for the better? And if so, how? could I assist on that? The consensus says be there for her, but leave all communication to her.

 

If there was something still there ... and I mean REALLY there ... then you wouldn't be in this situation. Saying that she needs space IS indicating she was not wanting a romance with you. I am sure that she has residue feelings for you or for your friendship which will undoubtedly suffer but as I said above, whatever it is, it ISN'T enough any more.

 

Saying that the break may not be permanent contradicts her also telling you to see other people. In one breath she is telling you to move on and in another she is panicking. Going it alone can be scarey and maybe even lonely at times and in these times the past can feel secure and comforting. It doesn't mean she will be back. It means she feels safe knowing you are still there for her should she need to fall back on the past.

 

I know she has endured tough relationships in the past but if she was absolutely fine with your relationship in the beginning then I don't see why that would be any reason for the change in her now. I see that as an excuse. If she says she needs space then it really boils down to her wanting out of the relationship and if anything she says thereafter doesn't add up then it is because they are excuses or justifications. She is simply not feeling what she once was or what she should be feeling to stay in a relationship with you. Though I realise it IS important to you, the reasons why are kind of irrelevant.

[Fame1977]

Thank you for all the advice, and I am taking it all in.

I just have a What If Scenario here? I understand what everyone is saying. Honestly the conversation about all this was 2 days ago, so I'm still in the shock mode. Im trying to think about it like she HAS found someone regardless if it is true or not, and that she's happy. If she wants to contact me fine, if not, fine as well.

My What IF, is what if it is she is telling the truth, and she's scared and knows I'm scared, and this is just a temp thing? What if she is just trying to figure stuff out? Not keeping hope alive here, I'm just wondering.

[Ms Darcy]

If she was so scared, she wouldn't have started a relationship with you. Worst case, she would have let you know about concerns much earlier on. I am just finding the 'scared' thing as an excuse.