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Why cant I just let it go? :( New year , big setback


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I celebrated new years eve yesterday evening with some friends. I was able to briefly distract my mind, however when the fireworks began I couldn't help but going to the bathroom to cry. I miss my ex so much and I cannot believe I wasnt with her to celebrate this new year. We spent most of last year in love with eachother and now we are strangers. We had a text fight yesterday, completely my own fault. I replied to an email she sent last week in which she says she finds it such a shame that we dont talk w eachother anymore and that she wishes me the best. I was able to ignore that mail until yesterday. I mailed her back saying it was her decision to split and me not talking to her is a consequence of that decision. She then sent me an email again saying again she hopes we can someday talk. She also justifies her actions during the breakup (like bailing out on me when I was so depressed bc of this failed relationship and I had to puts two pets asleep). I got pissed and replied with texts that counter her arguments for justifying her acts and that she said she tried her best but didnt know what to do and then I replied 'you certainly did not do your best. Your best would be NOT adding other gay women on fb and certainly NOT putting yourself on a f*ing datingsite!!' She texted back that she never wanted to hurt me and all that ever mattered was to hurt me the least as possible. I do not agree with that but I said we'll leave it at that. An hour or so later I apologized for any overreacting, but that I had to deal with so many losses recently and the relationship being one of the worst. And that she should only contact if she wanted to get back together. she then replied a short 'i will respect that. happy new year'. And then at night, driving back from my friends house, a dog that had broken out bc of the fireworks got hit by a car and I stopped and helped a little to contact the nearest vet etc. And then it hit me that I really miss her, my ex. she was the kind of person that would also stop. She loves animals and wouldnt let them suffer. I texted her after I got home that I really missed her. And that it does not justify her actions during the breakup but I hope she will change her mind one day. I next spent he whole night and morning crying. Crying like day 1. Like being dumped all over again. I just hate my life without her, it is so empty. I love her so much and want to let this go so maybe one day we will get back together and not me pushing her away even more by my stupid texting behaviour. I mean its not like I'm stalking her, not at all. I only sometimes reply at her texts and I took three days to overthink her apology-email. So I respect het not wanting to be with me anymore but I miss her so much why cant i let go? What should I do more to let go? I blocked her and her friends and family on social media. It feels like a giant loss. I really believed she was my soulmate!

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I guess now I really have done everything I possibly could. I begged, I got mad, I tried no contact, I tried being honest.. There's really nothing more I can do now. Except trying to accept. sorry guys that I blew it, wasnt able to save the last bit of my selfesteem..

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She's messing with your mind, and I don't think it is on purpose, but it is what she is doing anyway. She sends you an email telling you that she misses you and wants to spend time with you, which, naturally, gets your hopes up that something might work out, then she tells you that she only wants to be friends. It is too soon to be friends, your wounds are still too fresh, you are still in love with her, you can not simply "hang out." So, why is she doing this? Well, like you, she probably feels as if there is an empty spot in her life now. That does not mean that she's ready to patch it over by getting back with you, but she also hurts and longs for friendship. Only difference bw the two of you is, when she writes that email, she wants a friend, when you read it, you want a girlfriend. So, what should you do about it? Stop responding to her emails and texts. Stop texting her when you feel super emotional about something. This was a mistake I made with my ex when he broke up with me, I also felt that we were soul mates and going to ultimately end up together again, so I would send him messages like "I'm waiting for you, let me know when your ready" or "I just went to the grocery store and saw this frozen pizza that reminded me of you..." whatever. It was needy and it pushed him further away instead of drawing him back towards me, and I should have just ignored him completely.

 

So now, you need time to heal. So take it. This is a fresh new year, and you can take the time to focus on yourself through it. Last year, after all of the pain of the break up (which happened during the summer but I was still heart broken), on New Years night, I decided to make 2013 about me. I would focus on myself. Date without commitment, have sex freely, not call home and answer to anyone, enroll in school like I had wanted to for years, spend my money on me instead of on him, make new friends etc. And I did. And 2013 was such an amazing year! And now, I wouldn't take him back if he walked up to me with a diamond ring and all the promises in the world. I'm done. And I am all the happier for it.

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There is a lot of righteousness in your communications with her. How dare you leave me when I was going through a hard time? - That kind of tone. I don't understand why you would continue to fight with someone (someone who wasn't even really trying to fight back) who is gone and that you want back. It is more likely just to make her feel sorry for you and happy she is out of the relationship. It is like you were subconsciously trying to make her feel like her decision was a good one.

 

The good news is at least she knows that you can't communicate with her anymore as friends. You have made that very clear. So hopefully she doesn't talk to you anymore.

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Now I feel worse. I dont think she would have reconsidered her decision if I was more like, 'it is ok all is forgiven'. But you are implying that, or not? I just feel that she wronged me and should be pointed at her mistakes once instead of me thinking about them day in day out for more than a month. I never did have the opportunity to tell her that this had hurt me a lot. I told you guys multiple times. Now I told her too.

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>>And then it hit me that I really miss her, my ex.

 

But you need to really focus on the fact that your emotions and missing her doesn't change the circumstances at all, and dwelling on it just hurts yourself. Time to put on your big girl panties and get tough with yourself. She's not interested in being with you anymore. And you can cling to the past and dwell on her and live in the past, or take charge of yourself and pull yourself together and heal so that you can get out and meet someone who does want to be with you in a relationship.

 

So google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. The person you need to fight for here is YOURSELF and not losing yourself in a sea of sentimentality and self pity. Relationships are OPTIONAL and she chose a different option than you. Yes she hurt you and maybe she wronged you BUT the bottom line is she left and dwelling forever on the past or past grievances only hurts you and not her! So you need to focus on acceptance, that she choose a different path, and that thinking about her or the past is only hurting you, so don't indulge those thoughts. It's like sitting there poking an open wound again and again... a wound won't heal if you keep poking it. So you need to give it a rest, practice thought stopping and stop with the self pity and instead find positive things to do with yourself and your time. It takes time to heal, but you will heal if you stop focusing on her and start focusing on moving on with your life and getting involved and active in things rather than just dwelling on her and obsessing about her. If you can't get your obsessive thoughts about her under control, then consider counseling.

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Now I feel worse. I dont think she would have reconsidered her decision if I was more like, 'it is ok all is forgiven'. But you are implying that, or not? I just feel that she wronged me and should be pointed at her mistakes once instead of me thinking about them day in day out for more than a month. I never did have the opportunity to tell her that this had hurt me a lot. I told you guys multiple times. Now I told her too.

 

I am telling you if you had gone no contact you would have had more of a chance for her to miss you and see you as an emotionally stable, mature person than putting in all of this drama.

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I know, I made a mistake. I held in all my anger only to release it all at once instead of staying in NC. I slipped. It is only human.. I am just trying to believe that nothing I could have said or done would bring her back. And I certainly would not want her to feel all good about herself thinking I forgave her so she must be a good person then. I am not in that place yet, and I should 've kept NC until I was, yes. But like I said, I made a mistake.

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I feel like such a bad person for being so mad with her even after she apologized. Its just that, i dont feel that words can undo what is done. So her 'sorry' doesnt mean much when I think back to how awful I already felt when she dropped the bomb on me making me feel so much worse. This is all such a mess. I loved her more than anything

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I just feel that she wronged me and should be pointed at her mistakes once instead of me thinking about them day in day out for more than a month.

 

I don't know that pointing out how she wronged you will make you stop thinking about it.

I think you would feel better if you got out of the victim-ish, "she wronged me" and went more along the lines of "it just didn't work out, we both made mistakes, moving on."

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I know but the only mistake I made was ranting at her for what she did. She made multiple mistakes and I understand she deserves to be forgiven too. I'm just not ready to do that. I have been feeling worth sh*t for months, asking her if she wanted to split up and then she always said she didnt know. I think I need to hear I have the right to be mad at her. Then I can use this anger in no contact and maybe within six months or so forgive her. It has been too recent.

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No break up is easy.. right now you are 'venting'.. and it's towards her at the moment. Yes, you are human & you feel.

You are hurting.. a lot, that's normal with this kind of thing.

The chasing.. the pain.. the venting.. etc.

 

Now it's time for YOU to turn AWAY from her again. There is really NO need to talk with her anymore.

You see, you're so used to having her in your life,, it's like a drug. It's something you now have to work on weaning yourself off of.

 

Loss is NEVER easy, especially when you tried so hard.. this happened, that happened. I'm upset now.. I'm so angry etc.

For a while, you will have these emotions. The heartache, the confusion, the pains, the lonliness, the anger...

This can go on for months..until you can come to 'accept' the fact.

 

Best thing right now, for you though is to aim away from her. Get a journal (or do it on your computer- word w/e.).

But put your feelings down somewhere.. go pound a pillow.. cry.. it's all okay- you're hurting etc.

 

It'll all take time and one of the best things in order for YOU to work on letting go is to have nothing more to do with her. Don't chase her.. dont text her.. nothing!

The less, the better for you both right now.

 

Maybe... someday, you two may be able to 'talk' or something again, but no, not now.

We understand your loss and your pains. This is FAR from easy.. I understand fully! I lost a 5 yr relation, 9 months ago.. it still hurts. It hurts when you lose someone you came to love...yes.

 

Take it easy okay... deal with YOU now. Do things for yourself. Work on dealing with this loss. How it all came to be as it is..maybe you may need to work on some things?

 

Give it time... you're not alone.

One day at a time.

 

tc

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SooSad.. Thank you. I know indeed I will have to accept it but as much as I keep telling myself that it just doesn't work that way. It seems like I have to dig my way through a LOT of conflicting emotions before I can accept anything. It is real hell for me.

 

I know what I have to do and I hear all your good advice, I just don't know how I will finally reach that point of acceptance. And it sucks bc I'd rather accept it today and be happy again and meet another wonderful girl and be open to new relationship. The sooner I get through this ocean of emotions the better..

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I have been feeling worth sh*t for months, asking her if she wanted to split up and then she always said she didnt know. I think I need to hear I have the right to be mad at her. Then I can use this anger in no contact and maybe within six months or so forgive her.

 

It's not that you don't have the right to be angry. It's more about how much you are going to let that feeling eat you up inside. It makes more sense, in my opinion, to take a good look at why you stayed for months if you felt awful. If you can really examine that, instead of focusing on her, you might have the potential to have a really positive relationship with someone else.

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For me, I allow myself to think about her, but then it passes.

 

Think your thoughts, dig through them, and write them down. Once that is done, writing them down that is, you tend to feel better because it is a physical act of getting it out in the open. It's therapeutic.

 

Every step brings you closer to acceptance. I am still in 7 days of NC.

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I know but the only mistake I made was ranting at her for what she did. She made multiple mistakes and I understand she deserves to be forgiven too. I'm just not ready to do that. I have been feeling worth sh*t for months, asking her if she wanted to split up and then she always said she didnt know. I think I need to hear I have the right to be mad at her. Then I can use this anger in no contact and maybe within six months or so forgive her. It has been too recent.

 

I think you have an oddly victim mentality. Hopefully that will pass fairly soon.

 

Just leave the girl be.

 

Your feelings are your own to feel. Don't try to make others responsible for them.

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I think you have an oddly victim mentality. Hopefully that will pass fairly soon.

 

Just leave the girl be.

 

Your feelings are your own to feel. Don't try to make others responsible for them.

 

I believe it is only human to blame your ex who dumped you for all the hurt/pain you feel? .

 

I let her be, but she kept texting and emailing me insisting on the 'someday being friends part'. My anger was merely a reaction to the breakup triggered by her email.

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I let her be, but she kept texting and emailing me insisting on the 'someday being friends part'. My anger was merely a reaction to the breakup triggered by her email.

 

Did anything prevent you from blocking her so you didn't get any messages from her?

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Did anything prevent you from blocking her so you didn't get any messages from her?

 

Yes, the hope that we would get back together. That she would miss me, not only as a friend but as a girlfriend. I know now that she does not and probably will not. But I can't help but cling to this very little amount of hope. Realizing this is what's keeping me from letting go..

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But I can't help but cling to this very little amount of hope. Realizing this is what's keeping me from letting go..

 

Actually, you can help it though. Even if you still hope inside, you can take the actions to block messages, not answer, etc. What's keeping you from letting go is you. I realize that it's difficult to do but you ultimately have control over how you handle this.

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I know it looks like I am deliberately putting myself through all this. But I am serious, I really can't help it, she is like a drug to me or something Inside me there is this voice saying we matched so well (which obviously we didnt or she wouldnt have broken up w me) and that I'll never find someone like her again. And that someday maybe we can start over. I dont know why I am thinking this, it is really beyond my control. So I was fine with NC until she emailed me.. Now every fibre in my body is longing for her again.

 

I went out tonight and I feel so empty. I dont enjoy myself at this gay parties and I feel like I am never gonna meet someone again with whom I can get the same sort of instant connection like I did with her. All the other people are so different than me. I feel like an alien for not getting drunk or not having tattoos or not being very loud. I even find it hard to talk to most of them bc we have so little in common. I miss having that special connection with someone, so much.

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