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Should I just give up on this friend?


Jennifer89

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I am a student attending tech school, last January when I posted to facebook that I was starting school, I was contacted by a friend from high school. B had just started school one semester before me, and so, we decided to hang out. At the time, we were both on food stamps and received them 2 days apart from each other, so we started off just grocery shopping together. But then we ended up hanging out a lot more, going out for food, taking her daughter to the park, etc.

 

It was all great our first semester. Then, she failed a class that put her off course, and I think it caused her to feel depressed, because she wouldn't even tell most people what had happened and kinda caved herself in. I continued on during the summer to take courses, but she decided to take the summer off. Because she took the summer off, she couldn't get any money for attending school, so all summer she was broke. I was pretty broke too, I actually sold my blood plasma to get by with a little extra cash (which she tried and can not do due to small veins). I asked her a few times if she had considered getting a job, and she said no, because she had her daughter. I didn't call her out on it, but this is complete BS, as her grandparents are always willing to watch her. So, during the summer we spent time together mostly at the park with her 4 year old, but we also just hung out and wasted time together, I'd mostly buy her a donut or something like that ($2 bill) and we'd spend time together and talk.

 

Then fall semester came, and she signed back up for classes. Since she doesn't pay rent, she only took out a small amount of loan money. I understand and applaud her for that, only she ran out of that money in less then a month, and began asking all her friends for money so that she could get her daughter to preschool in the mornings and buy cigarettes. I did give her a little bit of money for gas, but I stopped because I just can't pay her gas bill all semester. Similar to the summer time, I have offered to take her out for something small a few times, a slice of pizza or some donuts, just to hang out and talk. Only now, she doesn't just want a donut, she wants gas money to get to krispy kreme. I started working and for a while I was a full time student, selling blood, and working 20-36 hours per week, and I just felt like it wasn't my responsibility to pay for her gas to get to a location so that I could buy her food.

 

So it's almost a new semester, and once again we have a class together which I am pretty excited about. But I'm just so frustrated by the fact that she is constantly asking for money or complaining that she is broke. And lately, she has started to hang out with this guy (who she is not dating) who keeps paying for everything for her, so now she isn't even bothering to spend time with me at all, except for right before or after class.

 

Should I stop trying to be friends with her? I feel like it is going nowhere. She's had so many opportunities to pull it together... apply for a 2nd loan or get a job, but she hasn't. And yes, I do think she's somewhat depressed still because she's now 2 semesters behind in her program, but I can't help but to feel as if she could have made it to the school in time to apply for a 2nd loan, rather then miss it by 2 days.

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I would distance myself from this person. The cigarettes part was the most cringeworthy actually. She's a train wreck. If you feel badly about her daughter you can drop of something at her house, anonymously that would be just for her daughter (meaning clothes or food -not money!).

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I would distance myself too. I'd have some serious problems once a friend tries to use me. Which is what it seems like this has become. And when you wrote about the guy who is paying her way now, it made me lose what sympathy I had for this woman.

Sounds to me she is just looking for a free ride in life...however she can get it. Bleh. That wouldn't work for me.

 

Also, I obviously can not say with certainty that this is true of your friend, but I can make some inferences from experience with people with this mindset. She's only a hop skip and jump away from making the conclusion that it would be alright to simply take out of a friends purse, etc. once she's rationalized to herself this way how everyone owes her a comfortable living of her design. It could be argued she already is stealing from people.

 

Would be painful to watch you spend your blood money (literally) so she can have smokes and sit on her ass some more.

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I think ya'll are right, it's just sad to me because I really don't have a lot of friends, and a lot of them are in this "poor" thing where they don't want to pull out of it. I get that having kids is hard and I'm the one person without them, so I try not to be too judgmental, but it is really annoying to see my friends buy alcohol and cigarettes then complain that they are broke... ok, it's just two people, but I really only have 3 friends that live in town and that I hang out with! One spends more on alcohol then on her son and the other is the one I mentioned above, and they both complain about being broke but don't work... they are both in school though. Ugh. Just frustrating to me, I think I need better friends!

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I think you need better friends too!

 

I would never, ever look down my nose at someone for being poor. Ever. Hell, I've been there. And some of my friends are by far not wealthy.

 

Regardless of income, it's really about values.

 

This woman doesn't seem to share your values at all.

 

best of luck.

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Yes, you need better friends. But if you keep hanging around with this mooch, you're not going to have the energy to find them.

 

It's one thing to be a broke student, or a broke single mother and student, but when you're complaining that you need money for cigarettes and so you can go to Krispy Kreme... uh, no. When you've got free babysitters (and most mothers I know would kill for that) and don't even get a part time job? Uh, no. She may be depressed, but it's not your job to fix her, it's her job. She's an adult and she's made these choices. You're doing everything you can to better yourself and she's just looking for a free ride.

 

I had a friend who went through a series of really bad relationship choices. In the beginning, I sympathized with her and tried to help her as best as I could but it's like she was a train wreck magnet. I finally stopped contacting her when I got a letter from her that she had found love again, with a guy who was married with three kids. I couldn't believe that she had no problem breaking up someone else's family like that. I have no idea what's happened to her and I do hope she's found happiness (if only so she can stop dragging her kids through her neediness and drama) but I don't want to go there again.

 

Try and make friends or at least speak to other people in your class/program. See if you can get a job on campus at the library or something like that, that would be a good way to meet new people at your school and make some money, too.

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I couldn't and wouldn't be friends with someone that prioritizes booze and cigarettes over their own child. I've been poor and even homeless years ago with my four children. I often went without eating just so they would have food for the next couple of days.

 

Sometimes it's better to have no friends then friends like the ones you have and I use the term friend lightly because they really aren't your friends if they are constantly doing the 'woe is me' song and dance. They do that because they know you are a kind person and they use it to their advantage. That is not friendship, that is someone taking advantage of others because they can.

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I think you need better friends too!

 

I would never, ever look down my nose at someone for being poor. Ever. Hell, I've been there. And some of my friends are by far not wealthy.

 

Regardless of income, it's really about values.

 

This woman doesn't seem to share your values at all.

 

best of luck.

 

Just to clarify (not sure if you understood or not) I don't care if my friends are poor or broke, I care if they don't try to do anything about it. I am by no means wealthy (thus, why I am selling blood, LOL), but I really make an effort to pay for myself, and I'm going into dept via student loans in order to do it, and I don't mind occasionally taking a friend out, but I haven't gotten anything back from this particular friend in months. I mean, she could at least reciprocate occasionally, you know? Or if she can't pay for anything, she could make more of an effort to spend time with me.

 

I think I need to just sit back until she makes a suggestion for how we can hang out. I'm over relationships where I put all the effort in.

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Just to clarify (not sure if you understood or not) I don't care if my friends are poor or broke, I care if they don't try to do anything about it. I am by no means wealthy (thus, why I am selling blood, LOL), but I really make an effort to pay for myself, and I'm going into dept via student loans in order to do it, and I don't mind occasionally taking a friend out, but I haven't gotten anything back from this particular friend in months. I mean, she could at least reciprocate occasionally, you know? Or if she can't pay for anything, she could make more of an effort to spend time with me.

 

I think I need to just sit back until she makes a suggestion for how we can hang out. I'm over relationships where I put all the effort in.

 

Sorry, that was my bad for not being clear. I do understand - and was relating to what you said. I feel exactly the same way.

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I feel like it's telling that she doesn't want to get a job if her grandparents are willing to watch her child. And you really don't have any extra money to be helping her out. I agree with distancing yourself from her. If she hits you up, just tell her you don't have any to give because of your own expenses. I hope that she gets her head on right soon.

 

I wish you luck with your career! It's great that you started at this school and I hope you have some great job opportunities as a result!

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I feel like it's telling that she doesn't want to get a job if her grandparents are willing to watch her child. And you really don't have any extra money to be helping her out. I agree with distancing yourself from her. If she hits you up, just tell her you don't have any to give because of your own expenses. I hope that she gets her head on right soon.

 

I wish you luck with your career! It's great that you started at this school and I hope you have some great job opportunities as a result!

 

Thank you, I am about to transfer to a much better university in the fall, but I really believe that tech schools are a great place to start. They do have a few downfalls though, most social. People don't really hang out before/after class and it's difficult to make friends. I think that will change at a university where a lot of students live on campus and school is kinda their life. Here, a good percentage of students have a job outside of school or kids/family obligations, so you just don't get to know many people, it's more like you check your class of your to-do list, then move on to your real life, haha.

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