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Gotta get this off my chest, that girl again...


Xin

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I made a lot of threads about a "girl who has an ex" that most people on this forum said was her boyfriend. I took the advice and cut her off, but things didn't go quite as well as expected they would.

 

A brief synopsis of what already happened is, I fell in love with a girl who was attached to her ex still. She couldn't let him go for "reasons" so I let her go because it wasn't healthy for me. It took a lot for me to do that. A few things to mention are that this girl was going to another country at the end of this month to study elsewhere for a few months (she is an international), and so was her ex.

 

So, I cut off contact with her for a month, and for about the first week, I didn't hear from her and there was no communication. It was really bad for me for the first few days, but I got better quickly. However, after the first week, I started getting bombarded. She kept on coming up to my place to see me, and one time the police made her leave because she was standing in front of my apartment for so long and it was suspicious. She kept trying to call me, text me, message me, in any way possible. She contacted my roommates, constantly asking if I was there, and her friends and her parents even tried to contact me telling me she misses me. Her parents even found out about the situation (her and her ex, because I explained it to them) and they apologized to me and said that she has feelings for me but she is very childish and I should understand. Her parents and friends like me quite a bit from what she has told them, so I can tell they are trying to help us, but I wouldn't have it.

 

I was taking a shower one night and my roommate accidentally let her in. We don't have an eyehole on the door, so when he opened the door, she basically walked in went straight to my room. My roommate tried to get out before I got out of the shower (I had no idea what was going on yet), but when I saw them both, I told him I would have a talk with her than if she wants to so badly.

 

As usual, she told me she loves me and misses me, but she's afraid to be with me. She doesn't like starting new relationships because it means ending an old one that she put so much effort into. She is definitely a keeper-type girl. She puts a lot of effort into a relationship, and she it takes a lot for her to fall out of love and fall in. I said maybe you feel this way, but you are still staying with your ex, and I don't want to deal with that.

 

So she left, but the next day she came back and told me that she really got rid of her ex. She stayed at my apartment for an entire month, and while I tried to remain emotionally distant, we got drunk at some parties I hosted and we ended up sharing our feelings and getting intimate. During the month she stayed here, I can tell you everything was perfect. She cooked lunch and dinner everyday and we went out a lot to do a lot of various things. It seemed like we were really happy, and she really did never contact her ex during the entire time. It was basically just me and her, and it felt like we were really in a relationship. Her ex did attempt to contact her a couple times, but I was there and she basically ignored his attempts at contact and told him to !@#$ off. He didn't leave her alone however. There were a couple of times during this month I felt like I was being followed, because I saw a couple of her ex's friends whenever I went out with the girl, and they seemed to be looking in our direction. I saw them way too often for it to be a coincidence.

 

At the end of that glorious month, she had to leave. She was going to another country to study for one quarter, and so she needed to move her stuff. However, the majority of her stuff was at her ex's place. Also, certain important paper documents were also at his place. At this time, she contacted him telling him to find her stuff and leave it on the porch for her to get. He basically told her !@#$ you come get it yourself. For about a week, she asked him to leave her stuff on the porch and he refused every time. At the end of the week, she told me she thinks she has to go get it herself because she won't be able to leave the country without these documents. Also, a lot of her clothes and other personal items were at his place.

 

The night she went back there, she told me that he begged her to stay and come back to her, but she wouldn't have any of it. However, she did mention he said things that he never said to her before, and that she felt "guilty". She is the kind of girl who feels guilty easily. However, she told me she didn't fall for it.

 

She packed her stuff, but about 75% of her clothes and personal items she couldn't take, so she gave me all of her stuff to store.

 

When she was in another country, she contacted me every single day, and we talked. However, after a while I caught on to something. She has resumed contact with her ex. Her ex actually messaged me this time saying that if I don't stay away, he was going to get me into a lot of trouble. He talked about her like she was his girlfriend. At this point, when the girl contacted me again, I asked her what is this. She told me she has no feelings for him, and she has her reasons for saying these things, but for me not to worry about it.

 

Later, I found out (on my own) that if she left him, that he was going to create trouble for me. I can't imagine what kind of trouble this would be, but both the girl and her ex come from rich families in another country, so they are both used to getting their way and doing anything to get it. I can't help but think she is trying to protect me somehow. She told me she will never see him again. He is actually leaving the state I live in sometime in the next month or so, but now that she is no longer here, he is making open threats towards me so I am wondering if the only reason he hasn't done anything to me is because of her current influence.

 

My parents even warned me about this situation, too, that I should not let her ex know I exist because he could be a very dangerous person. My parents are from the same country as the girl and her ex (although I was born here) and they told me I don't understand what it's like in their country. This guy could be very dangerous if I offend him. A couple times when I got into an argument with the girl, she told me she is trying to protect me. When I asked her about what, she didn't want to tell me and told me to mind my own business and be patient.

 

At this moment, since I figured out about the ex again, I cut contact with her. I know she's not going to be chasing me down again, but she has still been messaging and calling me everyday. However, every time I talk to her, I feel kind of frustrated and angry now, and I think she can sense that. She told me to just talk to her in positive ways and not to remind her of this situation and that it will be finished soon. But, since I didn't want to take it, I just left to do my own things...

 

Can anyone tell me what this girl's deal is? She says I am "misunderstanding" her... Her parents told me she is childish, but her intentions are not evil. I get the feeling she has been trying to protect me because my parents even warned me that this guy could be dangerous (the country that they are all from is in the Golden Triangle, and most rich families have some connections to some kind of drug related activity). She told me to watch out for him because he's dangerous and she told me she is trying to protect. Finally, her parents have asked me to help her stay away from him because her parents think that being around him is not safe. I'm currently alone, not trying to contact with any of them, but I am really wondering if there is any light to see in this situation? What does she feel? How can I understand her better?

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I HIGHLY suggest do NOTHING! But get yourself away from ALL of this!

I wouldn't accept these 'threats' lightly. You really think this girl is worth it? Worth your life?- whatever.

 

Also.... she seems to be struggling and bouncing between you two- by sounds of it. I again suggest to walk away. Leave it all alone. IF she is this messed up, she is NOT stable enough to be in a decent relationship at all. Mentally or emotionally. She's totally messed up still with her ex- who is NOT anything nice.

 

I think all would be best for YOU to leave everything alone. Rid of her and him.. and all that's going on.

 

Think about it... do YOU really want all this?

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Either she, intentionally or not, creates drama.

 

Or she's a drama magnet.

 

Either way, it doesn't seem that she's ready to settle down completely and relax into a mature relationship. She has trouble letting go of anyone in her life, even when it's not healthy, and she seems easily manipulated.

 

And this isn't something you can help her with really - she has to learn from her experiences and develop her own set of boundaries, and learn that compromising them isn't good for her, or the people she cares for.

 

Step back, let her finish growing and maturing. She has a lot of learning to do before she's ready for any commitments that would stick.

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Yes. A very scary situation.

 

You didn't follow your own rules and broke NC. She wasn't finished with him. You may still want her, but really she needed time to finish all that stuff up before moving into a relationship with you.

 

I would definitely distance myself permanently. No phone calls for a while.

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