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My boyfriend and I were once engaged. We separated for a year because he was building a dating relationship with a woman he worked with. They ended up having a child together and he left her. Came back to me and apologized for the past. We agreed to start fresh. Now I made the mistake of not being honest about my past year while we were apart when it came to who is slept with etc. that caused a big issue but he seems to have moved past it. I have taken all the dirt there is on me and presented it to him and since then I have been honest with him. He however has a very close friendship with this ex of his. He says it's because they have a child together which I understand. But, they text every day, she calls him when she needs a friend to talk to, on average once or twice a week and these conversations are ALWAYS private. He has also been spending two nights a week at her house. He says it's so he can spend more time with his son, but in the two months we've been back together I found him sex texting her, while still being intimate with me. He has made it very clear that he will not stop texting her, he will not stop the overnights until she is no longer breast feeding, and demands that I trust him. He has said if I ever go through his phone or listen in to a conversation again he will leave. He tells me he loves me every night, and shows some affection but I still get the feeling that he is trying to get back together with her. His overnights are his choice, and it went from visiting once a week for the day to two nights a week coming home in the afternoon of the third day. They say good morning and goodnight every night, he texts everyday about mundane things as far as I know, but he is adamant to keep his privacy. He gets frustrated an upset when he sees me worrying, and is basically threatening the relationship if I don't get past this. I have looked through his phone and constantly feel threatened by her when he keeps such close contact with her. Am I over the top? This is the same woman he virtually cheated on me with when we were engaged. There's more to the story but that's the main points. Aside from him doing cute things from time to time and showing me texts on a random bases, I don't know if I'm discounting the good and focussing too much on the bad. I really want this to work with us, please help!!! Am I asking too much for him to be more open about him and her? Asking for more affection and reassurance?

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I don't know if I'm discounting the good and focussing too much on the bad. I really want this to work with us, please help!!! Am I asking too much for him to be more open about him and her? Asking for more affection and reassurance?

 

You know what the answer to all of this. If he's not being open it's because he's hiding things. End of story. Plenty of men and women out there have children with exes. They don't spend the night with the ex, they spend it with the kid(s) if that's the issue.

 

And it was neither a virtual nor a dating relationship with this other woman, it was a relationship period. And from what it sounds like to me it still is plus you too, so he has two women and likely has you both snowed while he gets a harem so to speak. I think you aren't focusing enough on the bad, of which there's more than enough and instead are trying to see good where there isn't any unless you are in an open relationship. And that would mean you also get to spend the night at some other guy's place.

 

Also love the double standards on this guy--he can go off and get some other girl pregnant and then spend two nights at her place every week and hide all communications from you, chide you about your lack of trust, but gives you a rash of sh** over things you did while the two of you weren't even together and he was with his baby mamma? Unbelievable.

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He's got a nice little harem going now. She is there at home with his child. And available for 'family time', affection, someone to listen to him, sex, and whatever else she is willing to give.

And he's got you on the go as well. Playing relationship with you.

 

The worst part about this is he is lying through his teeth to achieve this. If it were upfront "hey I want two women, basically two wives devoted to me, and others if I can get them" - at least there wouldn't be deception in the mix. As it stands, he's not only a harem seeker but a liar too.

 

Forget and obliterate this idea that you have a meaningful one on one relationship with this man. Confront the reality. He's a cheater, a liar, and a tom.

 

And he doesn't mind putting a child in that mix either. So he has pretty low regard for children.

 

Why do you want to be with this guy again?

 

Also, he shames you and deflects his own crap on you. Which is emotionally abusive. He refuses to take responsibility for his own choices.

 

You could grow two bodies and this guy would still be like this. You need to give up on the idea that it has anything at all with what you are doing. He's just a scum.

 

But you've got to be willing to look at why you hold on to that scum so strongly that you are willing to self delude yourself here.

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Right now making it work might seem like all that matters in your life. But to be with someone who mistreats you like this is a discredit to yourself. You as a person deserve far better than what he is giving you. Should you have been snooping? No probably not - but when you find sex text messages - that is the moment you walk away. This is the woman who he shares a child with. Whom he left his fiancé for. Chances are there will always be some sort of connection between the two of them, and there are plenty of men out there whom have no connections to other women.

 

If he hadn't have been sending those messages then it may be different. But by him being defensive about you reading them he obviously wants to continue sending such messages.

 

Often the hardest decisions to make bring the best benefit.

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Agree with above.

 

The truth is a man that loved you wouldn't have left you and started a family with someone else and then keep going back and forward between you both.

 

There are many unattached men in the world that would make you there number 1. Why not leave him and his family to get on with it and move on.

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He has said if I ever go through his phone or listen in to a conversation again he will leave. He gets frustrated an upset when he sees me worrying, and is basically threatening the relationship if I don't get past this.

 

You know what that ^^ tells me? He has control of the relationship. He's willing to leave if you don't stop wanting to know what he's up to with his ex. He will say "bye bye" if you question his VERY questionable behavior. But YOU WON'T leave as a RESULT of this questionable behavior. See my point? He's WILLING to let YOU go, just test him. But he's testing YOU EVERY DAY and you won't let HIM go. He's in control, and he KNOWS it.

 

He can make the rules, and you have to accept it, or he'll leave you. Very simple. Why are you making it so easy for him to do that? If anything, it should be the other way around. "Look here, John. You already cheated on me with this girl ONCE and had a CHILD with her. You don't think I'm supposed to question the way you're acting? No. You don't get to have secrets anymore. You LOST that right when you broke my trust the FIRST time. So, you can either be open & HONEST with me, or we can be done. It makes me no difference. You asked ME for a second chance. You came to ME apologizing. That means YOU need to prove to ME that you've changed. If you're not willing to do that, we can end this NOW."

 

Point blank, period. Flip it around on him with FACTS he can't argue. If he says "OK, fine" and says you two can split, then you know he had her waiting in the wings to replace you all along. Why wait around for the inevitable?

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The one thing I don't think I made very clear is his son is only a few months old. She is breast feeding and lives about an hour away. He doesn't have the option to have his son for a weekend. That was his reason for the overnights an he says he sleeps in his own room. I can't prove he doesn't. He spent last night there is spending tonight there because she apparently wants to go out for New Years and asked me today if he could be home around 8 instead of noon tomorrow so he can drive her to visit her daughter from another guy. My gut says something's up, especially after all the responses. But if he doesn't help her out she doesn't get to see her daughter. How do I do that to someone. If he doesn't spend nights he only sees his son once a week, how do I tell him he can't see his son more often? We can't afford to has the car up enough for him to make more trips back and forth. For every thing it worry about there seems to be another side to it that makes me wonder what I expect from him. When she texts him is it fair to expect him to just ignore her? And then how reasonable is it to tell him to show me everything they say to eachother? What should he be doing here really?

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No, I'd focus on the bad....

 

There is NO reason for him to 'stay' overnight there. When a couple splits up, the father does have access and visiting rights. In the beginning where it was once a week, NOT overnight is the proper way!

He's being 'defensive' towards you because he has a reason to. He's lying his way around it all.

 

He's put YOU on the spot saying he can do pretty much as HE pleases here, all bcause YOU took him back.. NOT.

 

Look at it this way... I do NOT think you want to continue living your life this way forever! with a lying ***.

Also- you do NOT trust him.. anymore (still). So- it's all pretty much a lost cause now. Will not be the same for you.

 

Best to walk away from this unecesary crap.

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So he cheated on you with this woman, left you, got her pregnant and then abandoned her as soon as she gave birth to his child to come back to you? Wow. Just wow.

 

Here's the thing: there is *always* going to be something. She needs more money for diapers. The kid is sick. She wants to go out again and needs him to babysit. She needs help paying her rent/fixing her car/whatever. You are always going to play second fiddle to this situation -- but only if you choose to stay with him, in which case you'll have no one to blame but yourself. IMO, you should break it off with him. Not because he cheated, not because he's controlling, not because he's subjecting you to double standards but because he simply doesn't have time for a relationship right now, with you or anyone (although I don't think he'll stay single and reflect on the choices he's made). And frankly, he's not relationship material. You deserve better than this. There are more men out there than this guy. It's New Year's Eve and instead of being out kissing the old year out/kissing the new year in with someone you care about, he's taken off leaving you alone. This is going to happen again and again, on other holidays, on your birthday, when you're sick. Your plans are always going to be edited or outright cancelled around his baby mama and child's plans or needs. And you're always going to feel like a sh*t when you want to stand up for yourself and your needs because you are always going to see that asking him to choose you over his child is wrong. Seriously, you deserve better than this. You do.

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He is cheating on you in plane sight, not even bothering to hide it. I know it is scary to be alone and to leave him, but you need to either except that he will always have someone else in his life and won't even make the effort to hide it, or you need to leave him. There is no third option.

 

Being single is one of the best experiences you will ever have! Leave him, move past the pain, and enjoy your life as a single person. When my fiancee left me, I thought I would never be happy again. Last new years eve I made the resolution to not depend on any man for joy, to focus on ME! And I did, and this has been the best year of my adult life so far! Step it up girl- demand someone better!

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This is just an excuse. She can express her milk and the baby can still drink it, at your house. She hopefully already does it, since she has plans to go out tonight and I'm assuming she will have a few drinks for the new years. This is just about the lamest excuse ever, but you probably already know all of this. Mom's express milk all the time, so that they can work, go to school, go out of town, have a drink and still feed there baby the next day...

 

So instead of asking us the question you asked, you should be asking for advice on how to leave this guy, help for how you feel about it etc.

 

What is stopping you from walking out that door, tonight?

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This guy is a first class scumbag. There's a method to his madness, he has you right where he wants you, while turning you into a robot who doesn't know which way is up. I would call his bluff, tell him to hit the pavement, and never look back.

 

He's a prize package to no one, and sadly this baby he has with his other woman is in for a rough ride.

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He says it's so he can spend more time with his son, but in the two months we've been back together I found him sex texting her, while still being intimate with me.

 

How is this okay? This part just can't be explained away. He clearly has an intimate relationship with her.

And even if he didn't, do you really want to be in a relationship in which you feel like you have to check his phone all the time?

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I guess I have a hard time believing a person could be that low. I've known him since I was 15. I'm 25 now and I guess I want to believe he has more integrity than to keep both of us strung along. How can a person tell you they love you, come back in to your life with the two kids we have together. And then play these games? He'd be crushing the kids too. When he sees me backing off he's happier and more affectionate emotionally and physically. Is it not possible for him to just be tired of me always being worried? I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I want both sides to be looked at here. It's easy to say just walk away and find someone else. Not so easy to do when you have so much history with a person and love them so deeply. Especially when there's two kids involved under my own roof.

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If you truly feel that way, accept his behavior and stop complaining. According to you, you're in the wrong here. You UNDERSTAND his frustration, because you're the cause. So, stop questioning him. Stop snooping. Tell him it is absolutely OK for him to spend as much time with his baby's mom as he wants. You were out of line for wondering why he was so secretive, and why he was sexting her. It is perfectly OK for him to sext her, keep secrets from you, AND stay over there with her 2 or 3 nights a week. Tell him you're sorry for questioning him. That way, he'll be happy, and you can still keep him.

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