I feel sick to my stomach

[AnneM]

Basically I had been seeing this guy for almost a year on and off (approx. 9 months). He was not boyfriend and he was not exactly a f-friend as although we were having sex, we were not seeing each other on a consistent basis. We met on a dating site and although we initially had hit it off, I quickly came to realize he is not the one for me. In fact, he was not even a person I would consider a friend. The relationship between me and him had been tumultuous and the last time I had seen him I kicked him out of my place which was not the first time but this would be the ultimate time I would be getting rid of him. He just left out of town for a 4 month work contract yet again so I knew he would not be relationship material from the get go.

 

Not sure if all that information is relevant but fast-forward to now. I had signed up on another dating site to meet new people. I have to say I am fairly new to the city and although it's been a couple years of living here, I find it difficult to meet people much less potential mates. I met a couple guys 1 time each for which although they seemed nice, it did not click. The 3rd person I recently met we clicked and I felt a mutual attraction, we did a lot of things but no sex and knowing I would be leaving the next day for a week vacation, I thought it best not to go all the way so to speak. I have to say, I was pretty surprised I made out with this guy and had gone this far with him as this is unlike me. I thought about him during the my week-long vacation and regretted instantly what we had done before leaving. Upon coming back, he saw me log on the dating site and instantly messaged me and texted me that he would like to see me. To make a long story short, he came over to my place and we ended up having sex but immediately after, he left and made an excuse about wanting to sleep in his bed instead. He asked for a kiss before leaving and said he needed to get to know me or something along the lines. I said that I was disappointed as I didn't want to kiss him but ended up kissing him before he left. This happened Friday, and we are now Tuesday and I can't stop feeling sick at the pit of my stomach. I am so disgusted for having slept with him and I regret doing anything with him so soon. He has not contacted me at all. I had deleted my profile. Yesterday though, I decided to create a new profile and I kept all my details the same but the only thing I put in my description was that I had met a few people from the site but that my experiences had not been the greatest and that I would like to find just one person I can click with. Needless to say, I have received about 5 e-mails yesterday when I had signed up on the site and one of the e-mails was him! I never posted a picture before from my previous profile, nor did I post one for this profile. He e-mailed saying, hi how are you and that it looks like I haven't had any good experiences from this site. Why would it not click that this profile is really mine? Or would he actually know it is mine and he is just messing with me? I have not contacted him and I am too embarrassed from having had sex with him and sleeping with him so soon. I really want to forget this whole incident and move on from this experience but I am having great difficulty. I don't know why I did it although I had been under the influence, that should not have impaired my judgment since it hadn't in the past.

 

I'm left feeling very confused. First for my behaviour and also for his for not contacting me at all. I feel used and really disappointed in my behaviour as well as his. He seemed like such a nice person but in the end, I feel a little manipulated since he was the one who insisted on coming over and I feel that is all he ever wanted from me. I can't stop thinking about the situation as I did feel a strong mutual attraction and now I think it may have been purely on the sexual level. I started skyping with another person from the dating site and I feel like he is only interested in sex too. In my profile, I never gave any indication that that is what I am looking for. In fact it states that I am looking for a relationship. This guy I slept with, his profile says he is looking for a relationship too. I know I cannot go back in time. I would like to move on but I'm left very confused. Although I was not forced into anything, I have to say I feel manipulated as it was my fault for buying into what he said and for not saying no to begin with. I feel very cheap and I feel like I have lowered my morals considerably. This is unlike me. I also must add, I've never been single for this long in my life and I have very few friends in this city where I am currently living. I'm not sure if I am on the rebound from the previous guy also. It's driving me crazy thinking about this whole situation. Please help me with some useful advice. I don't want to be told about taking responsibility as I am aware it takes 2 to tango. At the very least, I thought this guy could be a f-friend but after that one incident, it has turned into a one-night stand! This is really not what I was aiming for.

[ThatwasThen]

You know you had sex with the first guy too soon and now you've gone ahead and done it again. I suggest you sit down with yourself and find out what your actual dating goals are for being on that dating site. You don't know what you want until you're not getting it. What a backwards way of going about trying to be happy.

 

At the very least, I thought this guy could be a f-friend but after that one incident, it has turned into a one-night stand!

You have to have standards... even if you just want to be someones F-Buddy. Your only standard is immediate chemistry, or so it seems.

[Iggles]

To make a long story short, he came over to my place and we ended up having sex but immediately after, he left and made an excuse about wanting to sleep in his bed instead. He asked for a kiss before leaving and said he needed to get to know me or something along the lines. I said that I was disappointed as I didn't want to kiss him but ended up kissing him before he left.

 

This is kind boggling to me. You let this guy inside of you but didn't want to kiss him.. Sounds like you're putting the cart before the horse. To put it plainly, if you don't want to kiss a guy then you should not be having sex with him. Ask yourself, why you're moving so fast with these guys and feeling regretful after. If you want a relationship you have to build a connection with the other person first.

 

I feel used and really disappointed in my behaviour as well as his. He seemed like such a nice person but in the end, I feel a little manipulated since he was the one who insisted on coming over and I feel that is all he ever wanted from me.

 

You need to assert your boundaries. You let him come over. It doesn't have to necessarily lead to sex, but why not go on real dates first at a neutral place -- meet outside, go to restaurants -- before hanging out one on one at home?

 

Whether he was insistent or not, people treat you the way you allow them to. If he was too pushy you could have told him to sod off. Instead you invited him in. What I'm getting at is that you have agency. You are not powerless to keep someone from visiting your home. Just don't open the door!

 

I feel very cheap and I feel like I have lowered my morals considerably. This is unlike me. I also must add, I've never been single for this long in my life and I have very few friends in this city where I am currently living. I'm not sure if I am on the rebound from the previous guy also. It's driving me crazy thinking about this whole situation. Please help me with some useful advice. I don't want to be told about taking responsibility as I am aware it takes 2 to tango. At the very least, I thought this guy could be a f-friend but after that one incident, it has turned into a one-night stand! This is really not what I was aiming for.

 

When you're lonely, it's tempting to go for a quick fix. Dating gives you something to do and an activity partner with the possibility of making "insta-friends" with your new partner's social circle. However, when you lack options and feel fear, users pick up on the desperate vibe.

 

You may be better served to put in the work to build up your self-esteem. Be good to yourself and do some introspection. Honestly, focusing on yourself and making new friends on your own is a better idea then looking for a relationship when you're at a low point.

 

Best of luck, OP!

[jcaves80]

you need to start respecting yourself , seriously start now, do not go into relationships vag-first, thats not the way to get a good guy but a great way to get a scum bag , you sound exactly the way my current GF used to be and now that shes with me she has no clue how to deal with someone treating her with respect because shes never respected herself and its brought on plenty of issues for us. good luck , didnt mean to be harsh but you seem like a trusting and great person i do not want to see you become too damaged to be with a good person because of your poor past judgements

[ParisPaulette]

Don't beat yourself up about what's done. You met a guy you had an attraction with and you had sex, end of story. And now he's out looking for the next conquest, which means he's probably good at talking women into bed. It happens with both sexes, so there isn't any point in thinking you blew it since this guy wasn't relationship material to begin with, no matter what you were going to do or not do as has been proven.

 

Now, that said you need as others have said work out what exactly your goals are for dating--do you want just sex, a serious relationship, something in the middle or what? Decide that and also don't invite someone to your house or go to theirs unless sex is on the table. It's not neutral territory and it's just too easy to say yes then feel bad about it later. Meet as another poster said in more neutral date-friendly, get-to-know you places and just say no to their house or yours. Until you fully ready to have sex with all of its consequences. And telling yourself nothing is going to happen/you won't let it/you don't want it etcetera doesn't make a bit of difference. Learn your weaknesses and what you really want from this and then stick to your own dating rules and boundaries and you'll be fine.

 

Besides you know he's not out there worrying about why did he have sex with you too soon, so you aren't under any social or moral obligation to do so either. It's 2013, you can have no strings sex if you want it, just practice safe sex okay? And would he have treated you any differently? Nah, except he'd be not calling you, because you didn't have sex with him. He showed up with a plan and a goal that night is all, but he isn't under any obligation either to contact you. Just work out what you want and stick to that and keep yourself safe.

 

And here's a great New Year for you.

[SooSad33]

You keep belittling yourself and I understand that. How your feeling and all, but like the other's are saying. You need to learn to have some 'self respect' learn to limit yourself etc.

 

Take things slower if it's getting to you. And if you're 'confused' about a whole lot, maybe you DO need some time on your own for a while to sort yourself out?

Being on your own does NOT hurt. In fact it is often suggested, after a break up so you can get yourself together again, mentally & emotionally and be able to be 'happy' again with yourself.

 

This could be what you need..?

 

Also, it could be that you so used to the way you had it with this other fwb, you may not really know how to handle things with approaching a new relationship in a whole, new different sense?

 

Think about these things. Never feel rushed into a relationship.

 

tc

[ThatwasThen]

If you don't want to feel guilty because you had sex and he didn't want anymore with you afterward, then stop having sex until you have formed an emotional bond of some sort with the object of your pursuit. You can't keep doing what you're doing and expect different results. Sadly, there is a large double standard out there and no matter how many women tell you that you are entitled to be giving and getting casual sex as much as a guy is, you will still be judged by many men as not being good relationship material. Until good men can say 'don't over-think it, you are a woman who is entitle to give into her sexuality' then be more discerning before you have sex.

 

Thing is: Sex will not garner you a relationship. Sex is too easy to come by so you have to stand out from the crowd in ways other then your right to be sexual.

 

Anyway, as someone allued to, it's water under the bridge now so put it behind you, don't regret him vanishing because he's not a good match for you obviously or he'd be coming back to you. Just change up your dating M.O. and get to know someone well before you give in to your right to be sexual.