met and now back to day 1... could use some advice

[qpwoeiruty43]

So we have been broken up for a month and a half, and yesterday was pretty much just past a month of NC. We decided to meet up cuz we were free over the holidays and probably won't be again for a while (We're both in school). We went for coffee and it went well to some extent. I could feel we were both uneasy. The BU was BAD and VERY MESSY (on my end, I called him every bad name I could think of and accused him of many horrible things I'm pretty sure aren't even true and then dumped him over text message). Yes I overreacted, but I had been miserable ever since we got back together since our break up just before that (we broke up several times).

 

There are so many reasons I know we won't work out together, which all led to me breaking up with him. He flirts way too much with other people, he drinks way too much for his own good and just is at a different point in his life than where I was. Sure its not excuse for me to break up with him the way I did, but it was what happened at the time, which of course I do regret. Of course I still love him and i miss him and i want to be back with him, but at the same time I know we can't.

 

When we met for coffee, I thought i would be ok with catching up. I didn't know his life had fallen apart so badly after we split. He's drinking more than ever and screwed up most of his life in terms of work and school and such. In some ways it made me pity him, in others it re-enforced me in knowing we can't be together. But I care a lot for him and I want to reach out and hang out with him at least. Maybe in my mind I want to take care of him again like I used to.

 

He told me after we can't hang out again. I guess it was too painful. He tells me he's scared we'll get back together and he doesn't want that. I tried to reassure him that I know we aren't meant to be but it hurts me to see him hurting. Of course I'm hurting too, so keeping in touch just seems logical. It sucks to start up NC again, as this time it really feels like it will be the last time I will ever speak to him. Why do we have to go from love to strangers, Is friends not a logical step just a step below love? I don't really know what i'm doing anymore...

[ThatwasThen]

If you "care a lot for him" then you'll not "meet up" with him again. If you love yourself, then you'll not "meet up" with him again. You have been on and off your entire relatioship. That's natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong man and instead of trying to mold him into who you would like him to be, that you should just let him be who he is until he hits his own rock bottom and gets the help he needs to be a good member of society. Know that this may never happen and he'll just continue on until he's totally broken (unless he gets his own help).

 

You are codependent hence your need to keep having him in your life. Work on yourself an forget about him. He's not your responsibility and any new man you meet won't think kindly of you having a man that you have a history of going back to still being in your life.

 

Keeping in touch is totally illogical. You are not good together so cut the tie and get on with your life with out him in it in any capacity.

Zero contact, block and delete. Take back your own personal power and if need be, go to Alanon Groups to help you to form your own personal boundaries so that you don't let yourself be hoovered back in for more trying to control while failing at it.

[No1]

Your emotions are quite raw still and you two were not ready to see one another again. For right now a step back from the situation is good for you. You can be friends with your X, you just cant be friends with him now. Time has to pass so the emotional strings you have are no longer there. How long that takes is entirely up to you and him. He is an X, you don't have to deal with his issues anymore. Happy New Year..

[qpwoeiruty43]

You can be friends with your X, you just cant be friends with him now. Time has to pass so the emotional strings you have are no longer there. How long that takes is entirely up to you and him

 

But how am I supposed to know how long it takes for him to get over the emotional strings or whatever... am I just supposed to check every few months or something and send a text to see if he wants to reconnect?

[ThatwasThen]

You can't be friends with this ex. Telling you codependent things like what you want to hear but are'nt good for your overall recovery isn't very helpful.

 

ZERO contact.

 

you will have a hard time finding a man that will be happy with you still being in contact with a lover that you can't let go of.

 

Why complicate your dating future by clinging to someone that is better off without you and you without him?Do you have a logical answer for that question?

[mhowe]

You have little in common and are not in the same.place.

Wanting to be friends is to assuage your guilt and feelings of pity.

Just let it go..

[qpwoeiruty43]

Why complicate your dating future by clinging to someone that is better off without you and you without him?Do you have a logical answer for that question?

 

Cuz I guess I'm not sure if I'm better without him. Sure I was my most miserable while I was with him, but I think I was my happiest too. I know we can't be together right now and I don't intend on changing him, but I just want him in my life in some capacity so maybe I could find happiness with him again somewhere down the road. I guess i know deep down inside I have to go NC. It's not really like I have a choice, he already said no to friendship. So the road is clear... but it just sucks cuz I don't want to go down that road i guess... I can't help but feel like we could have been amazing if we just met again at a different point in our lives....

[Twidom]

So which is it? You can't be together ever or you can be but at some later point? Make up your mind. You broke up with him and now you want him "back into your life".

 

You're being unfair to him. Doesn't matter the situation. You're the one who broke. Let him be. If he contacts you someday, good. If not, it's his choice.

[mhowe]

You want a safety net. That isn't fair to him.

[ThatwasThen]

Cuz I guess I'm not sure if I'm better without him. Sure I was my most miserable while I was with him, but I think I was my happiest too.

You see this is where your addiction comes through. If you were not codependent, if you did not have the symptoms that that situation entails. You'd know that being miserable and breaking up and him never changing is when you need to let go and find someone that you can be happy with and not neet to break up with at all. But, due to your own "codependency", you are unable to rehab from your drug of choice known as "bad match for me but I'm addicted to him." It's not love... it just feels that way lol

 

I know we can't be together right now and I don't intend on changing him, but I just want him in my life in some capacity so maybe I could find happiness with him again somewhere down the road.

Unless he gets help for his own issues, he will never change, you won't be able to change him and the pattern will continuously repeat itself. That is what you're not accepting and that is what keeps you addicted to him.

 

I guess i know deep down inside I have to go NC. It's not really like I have a choice, he already said no to friendship. So the road is clear... but it just sucks cuz I don't want to go down that road i guess... I can't help but feel like we could have been amazing if we just met again at a different point in our lives....

Not unless the two of you get rid of the issue that you currently have. History will repeat itself if nothing within the two of you changes.

 

Here are some links that I hope will help you to accept that you need some guidance in order to stop your own patterns.

 

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You want him to be a different man. Instead of hoping he'll change for you, find someone that doesn't need changing.

[SooSad33]

These other replies are all correct. You're still stuck in this 'mode' with him. The break up is still raw.. you're both in pain.

Yes, he is like your 'drug'. You are so used to him.. now you have to wean yourself off of him.

 

One day you will read all you've said here and come to realize what's happened is for the best.

 

When a couple breaks up, the feelings etc do not disapear in a week. You will have many emotions from your 'loss'.

Feelings like heartbreak, denial, confusion, pains, anger, anxiety etc. Until you can eventually 'accept' it.

 

And why No Contact is suggested is for you BOTH to work on yourselves now & the damages done. As mentioned, you can NOT fix him. He has the issues you've mentioned. Whether he chooses to deal with them.. or not, is not your job.

 

It will take a good while to work on accepting everything. It is NOT easy, we know.. you're not alone.

 

Take it all a day at a time... work on yourself now and leave all alone. It is for the better, in order to become better again, mentally and emotionally.

 

Someday you will be 'happy' again, whether you see him again sometime, or not. But for now, while you are working on healing no, you cannot be 'friends', until those 'feelings' between you two are gone.

 

tc

[No1]

But how am I supposed to know how long it takes for him to get over the emotional strings or whatever... am I just supposed to check every few months or something and send a text to see if he wants to reconnect?

 

That is a good question and the only person that knows that answer is you. It could take months or even years for the emotional attachment to cut loose. Everyone is different and every situation is different. And how you will know? Youll know. Youll know when you think of him and you dont feel anything, nothing bad or good or nerveous or sad or scared or anything. If you think of him and hope that he is doing good then youll know that you have moved on.

Until that day happens, put yourself in a postision where you can choose to have him in your life or not. Do what makes you happy, re-connect with yourself. We tend to get lost in someone and when they are gone we feel lost.

No need to contact him to see how he is doing, if he wants to let you know how he is doing he will let you know. No need to follow him via the net or friends. Let him go. If you two were meant to be friends it will happen, just let things take its natural course.

[qpwoeiruty43]

thanks for all the advice... It's encouraging in many ways and I'm re-reading everyone's post almost like 10x a day whenever he comes to mind and I want to reach out and call him again. It helps.... I know what I need to do. I'll be doing no contact... at least for the next 4 months till school ends for him. I set that date arbitrarily hoping by that point I won't want to contact him anymore anyways... I don't know. I'm working on losing hope. It just sucks because for whatever reason, despite everything that happened, it's still hard for me to accept that you can let someone so close into your life and just suddenly have it all disappear. The truth is its my first real relationship so this whole break up thing seems I guess really foreign to me. But reading everyone's posts and their advice here's been great... this forum's pretty awesome... thanks everyone

[No1]

You dont have to forget him, heck I remember dates from 20yrs ago. And its moments that make me greatful because it helped me become the person I am. We all are going to go thru tough times. We just have to fight thru them. To appreciate what you have you have to see what its like without it. Right now its a rough time and thats okay, in the long run it makes you a better person. I know.. you think BS this guy is full of it, but its true. We learn more by losing than we do by winning.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to let go and see what happens. If you hold on too tight youll lose what you are trying to hold on to. No one is saying you two are done with forever, just for now. If you two were ment to be then it will happen. It could take years and several relationships but you never know what is in store for you.

Wipe your tears because this is a good thing. Think of things like this.. Maybe he was removed from your life to make room for someone better who can make you happier. This person would of only hurt you deeper and removed so you dont hurt anymore.

Break ups is how you look at them and how you let go, its how you accept and how we move forward. Work on yourself and happiness will find you.

[ThatwasThen]

Youll know when you think of him and you dont feel anything,

Just like any drug you are trying to get over you can't go back and have another hit. You can argue with yourself until you are blue in the face that you don't have any need for your drug anymore but the minute you take another drag of that cigarrette, you will start to crave having it in your life all the time. When you are addicted, you need to go cold turkey and never go back to test your resolve.

 

You cannot be friends with someone that you have been codependent with. Sooner, rather then later, the more time you spend with this man, you will start to feel that pull of your drug of choice and you'll be hooked all over again.

 

My final advise to you: YOU, Don't try to be platonic friends with someone you had a romantic relationship with unless he's gotten the help he needs.. and you have too. Don't set a date for yourself that you'll allow yourself to contact him. That's akin to an alcoholic saying I won't quit drinking but I'll only have one a night. It never works. Do this no contact one day at a time until you're not even thinking about it anymore and it's become a lifestyle.