silversoul Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Hi guys, hope you are ok! So I have a question, no that it matters anymore but I keep returning to it in my thoughts and would like to know your opinions to leave this in the old year. My ex with a depression and social anxiety started talking online to a girl from the US in October, in November he breaks up with me (his reason: can't be in a relationship because the depression). Even when we were breaking up, she was texting him. Ugh! My ex said she is just a friend and he likes her as a person. They share similar musical taste (something which is v important for him) and he was excited because she knows some of the artists he listens to. Note that when breaking up, he said I belittle him for making friends (I got jealous) and said he can't text her without feeling guilty and he would feel guilty if she wants to hang out with him in the capital of the country ( she is from the US and just happens to make a trip here). So he is going to meet her in January, she is staying here for a week. It just makes me feel sick because she seems to be really into him, and my question is: is this really a friends thing or they may be heading down to the romance? It just makes me feel sick because it was a first relationship for both of us and I can't even dream about talking to a guy and he is going to travelling with her? I know all you will say that he is ex and he can do what he wants and I should not care. But my question is, do you think she may be more than a friend for him? I just want to hear your opinions and just leave this matter in the old year. I guess even if he is with her I'm getting to the point just accepting it and wishing him well, yet I do feel very sick at times when I think about them together. She is from a different continent, how they gonna make it I dunno Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Yes, that's right... you two are apart & this is his doing... his choice. I understand you cannot even look at another man at this time.. I understand.. Same way & it's been 8 months. IF he does fancy her 'that way', he may take that chance at 'trying' something long distance. Good luck with that though. Sometimes, it can also end up just being a 'rebound relationship'. You can search up them. Either way... you have to work on moving AWAY from him now. NC.. nothing. Best thing for you in order for you to accept & be able to move on again.. sometime. One day at a time.. yes i know how hard it all is. tc Link to comment
silversoul Posted December 31, 2013 Author Share Posted December 31, 2013 Yes, that's right... you two are apart & this is his doing... his choice. I understand you cannot even look at another man at this time.. I understand.. Same way & it's been 8 months. IF he does fancy her 'that way', he may take that chance at 'trying' something long distance. Good luck with that though. Sometimes, it can also end up just being a 'rebound relationship'. You can search up them. Either way... you have to work on moving AWAY from him now. NC.. nothing. Best thing for you in order for you to accept & be able to move on again.. sometime. One day at a time.. yes i know how hard it all is. tc Thanks for your advice. What about love? Despite all I love him and I made my mistakes too. I'm scared of just bottling up my love and affection for him Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 There is NOTHING you can do. Let go of the love or better yet, focus it on yourself. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 ^^ I agree that the healthiest thing to do right now is to focus all that love on YOURSELF. You do this by taking concrete actions, every day, to help yourself feel better. Things like out hard, every day. Are you doing that? Spending time with people who love and support you. Pampering yourself in little ways. Taking on big new life goals.... doing things that fill your soul and make you happy..... THIS is really where your focus needs to be right now. I know all you will say that he is ex and he can do what he wants and I should not care. But my question is, do you think she may be more than a friend for him? I just want to hear your opinions and just leave this matter in the old year. ^^ As for this guy? Yeah, to me anyway it seems really obvious that whole "we're just friends" was absolute BS. Clearly he was pursuing her and you should be re-framing him now as A CHEATER... because that's most likely what he was doing with her (and possibly others) when you were together and now immediately after the breakup. He was being emotionally unfaithful to you and setting up his next relationship while you were still together. In short, he was being a TOTAL CREEP and making YOU feel bad about "being jealous of his friends" when in reality he was most likely being in appropriate with them. I'm not a jealous person by nature -- but the ONLY time I've ever been accused of being jealous was when I was dating someone who was cheating and acting inappropriate with other women. You'll find, when you've moved on to your new way-better future boyfriend that the issue of jealousy probably never comes up -- because he won't be chasing other women behind your back! To say that you *shouldn't* care isn't really fair because you've only just broken up -- so OF COURSE you're going to care! It hurts.... but the good news is, that pain doesn't last forever. Sweetie, try to let this loser go. Release him... focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE..... make sure you've got him blocked everywhere, online and off..... make this new year about YOU! Link to comment
silversoul Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 Thanks for your great advice Sharky! What is funny, when I was going to a different city in August he expressed worries that someone might get interested in me, and in October he is getting involved with someone else himself, lol. I was busy with my deadlines and only was looking to finish to finally be with him. And all the time he has been, like you said, emotionally cheating. Funny Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 >>in November he breaks up with me (his reason: can't be in a relationship because the depression). Even when we were breaking up, she was texting him. Ugh! No, he broke up with you to chase this other girl and is LYING to you. If he were all that depressed, he wouldn't be trotting around taking trips with some new girl! It was just a convenient excuse to use to dump you that didn't expose the REAL reason, that he's a liar and a cheat. He's off to greener pastures with this new girl. Focus on yourself and not him. Go no contact and quit talking to him because frankly he's not depressed, he's just using that as a cover for the lying and cheating. Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 >>in November he breaks up with me (his reason: can't be in a relationship because the depression). Even when we were breaking up, she was texting him. Ugh! No, he broke up with you to chase this other girl and is LYING to you. If he were all that depressed, he wouldn't be trotting around taking trips with some new girl! It was just a convenient excuse to use to dump you that didn't expose the REAL reason, that he's a liar and a cheat. He's off to greener pastures with this new girl. Focus on yourself and not him. Go no contact and quit talking to him because frankly he's not depressed, he's just using that as a cover for the lying and cheating. Agreed. I think this is true. And I think a lot of people do this, coming up with reasons that aren't actually good reasons at all. Truth is if someone truly wants to be with you, no depression in the world is going to stop him.. Link to comment
Twidom Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Agreed. I think this is true. And I think a lot of people do this, coming up with reasons that aren't actually good reasons at all. Truth is if someone truly wants to be with you, no depression in the world is going to stop him.. Pretty much this. My dad suffers from DEEP, and by deep I mean rock bottom, depression and my mom is still married to him 30 years later. She says "I know your dad is seriously F'd up but I love him nonetheless." If you love someone, you love someone. You don't leave them because their "depression is getting on the way". That's how I see things. I know many of you may think differently and I respect that. I've dated a girl for 2 years with severe depression and it didn't push me away one bit. But that's just me... Link to comment
silversoul Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 You are right guys, I am so naive. I really believed him, but he had his depression for the whole duration of the relationship, so yeah why break up now? I just reread my first posts from November on this forum and remembered all that pain he caused me. I should always read them when I start putting him on a pedestal or wanting to be friends and meed up. NC just makes you forget about bad things Link to comment
silversoul Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 I feel like sending him the link to this profile so he sees everything he has done to me ugh Link to comment
silversoul Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 but it will achieve nothing, don't want bad thoughts on the first day of the year Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Hugs. I understand you are a little angry too? Please read my threads, I have been feeling anger and then guilt and now shame Bc I sent her a rant. And everybody keeps talking about being the bigger person and moving on and how i blew every chance i had left with her just bc i told her the truth, that i think she wronged me in many ways. Link to comment
silversoul Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 *hugs* I am sorry you are feeling down, but the advice given to you is very sound, but since you are in such a emotional state you are not able to follow it. I made the same mistake, I was doing NC, when my ex unblocked me on FB and wanted to be friends, I got very emotional and upset but the truth is they DON'T CARE. They really don't. They made a decision to end things because they thought they would feel better without you. So that doesn't feel like a wrongdoing to them, because they did something for themselves. Have you decided to go full NC now? I'm sure after one or two weeks of NC you will feel significantly better Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 remind yourself that if he really cared about you in the romantic way you want him to, he wouldn't have left you to begin with... so go back into no contact and stick with it. if you need friends, you can find them among those who don't have such heavy emotional baggage. trying to be friends with an ex you still want a romance with is like beating yourself in the head with a sledgehammer... nothing good comes of it for you. Link to comment
silversoul Posted January 1, 2014 Author Share Posted January 1, 2014 remind yourself that if he really cared about you in the romantic way you want him to, he wouldn't have left you to begin with... . the harsh truth! It makes me wonder how people who seemed to be so in love stop loving you. Ordered myself a book called Uncoupling: turning points intimate relationships. Hope it will shed some light Link to comment
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