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How to move on when his mother lives in our old home?


bryn

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Well, I will keep this short… We broke up in late May - were together 8 years, best friends for 12. We are both 31, he left me for a 22 year old he works with who lives around the block. He left me with our home, 7 pets, $11,000 of his debt and a lot of confusion. They are still together. I started graduate school a year ago and quit my high paying job at that time - he said it was "my turn" to be supported and he'd support me while in school. So, yeah - he really messed things up for me.

 

I was staying at the house, but his dog (that he left me with) was diagnosed with cancer in October and I moved into my parents at that time because the dog needs care during the day and they are home. His mom has been renting our home since then - as a favor to me and a favor to her. But, the thing is that it's a huge set-back… When I go over there, I see her (which is a reminder of him) in the home we shared together… And, I see our home being taken over by someone else. It is very hurtful to see and I feel it's a huge setback. I can feel my mood change when I am there and after I leave.

 

I know I need to let go of the home and sell it or find other renters, but I can't bring myself to do that right now… So much has changed and/or been lost, that I am trying to at least hang on to the last constant thing I have in my life… In the meantime, I do not know how I can move on while still seeing his Mom and also the home situation…?

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Wow, tough situation. I don't think there is much you can do except what you are doing. Recognizing that the house brings back memories for you.

 

As for the debt, why are you responsible for it? And, can you take him to court to pay it?

 

Honestly, I suggest that you get rid of some of the pets. I know that's hard but with everything else, 7 pets is a lot. The animals that were his, just send him an email or text saying, "I need you to take your pets (list them) by next month or I will need to find a new home for them."

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The pets are down to 3… But, he left with me 7 at the time he left. Three is manageable, but it is another loss I've suffered and had to face.

 

It is a really bad situation… I mean, there is no way around it. He even admits he left me with one of the worst situation he could have.

 

I will have to take him to court for the money; it's all money I loaned him and/or charged on credit cards. But, I am worried to do so… His new gf didn't like us talking and got a PPO against me (made up stuff saying I tried to kill her) and I didn't fight it because my ex was willing to say all the stuff was true… So, I am worried if I take him to court that he will get a PPO against me, too or that they will both lie and say that I broke a rule in the PPO. He said he will ruin my life if I take him to court.

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Ouch, ya that could look bad. The best thing you can do then is have all communication go through a lawyer, or keep all communication in writing so you can present it to the court. Texts, emails, certified mail, etc.

 

Example. send him a text, "We need to discuss the debt and work out how you will pay me back. Please send me an email detailing how much a month you are willing to pay. Thanks."

 

Nothing about the relationship, her, him, you etc. Completely straight forward. ALWAYS maintain that tone in your communication.

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He said he will ruin my life if I take him to court.

So? Tell HIM you'll ruin HIS life if he doesn't pay the money. That works both ways. If you're innocent of all of this, you're in a much better position than he is because he can't prove anything. Contrary to popular belief, PPOs aren't issued willy-nilly. You don't just get one because you are mad at someone and want to get even with them. There is clearly more to this than what's being told here.

 

You also don't need to go see his mom or the house. The fact that you "can't let go" speaks volumes.

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So? Tell HIM you'll ruin HIS life if he doesn't pay the money. That works both ways. If you're innocent of all of this, you're in a much better position than he is because he can't prove anything. Contrary to popular belief, PPOs aren't issued willy-nilly. You don't just get one because you are mad at someone and want to get even with them. There is clearly more to this than what's being told here.

 

You also don't need to go see his mom or the house. The fact that you "can't let go" speaks volumes.

 

Don't say that to him. It will just add to the fire. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.

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Yeah, I actually agree. And don't do this either:

send him a text, "We need to discuss the debt and work out how you will pay me back. Please send me an email detailing how much a month you are willing to pay. Thanks."

Very bad idea. Don't communicate with him at all. All communication from this point forward goes through a lawyer.

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I was sending emails about the money he owed - I even have in writing his reply saying he agrees he owes me that money… But, the issue is that right now, I do not have his number, nor his email address, nor do I know where he lives… So, I cannot communicate with him about the money - unless I involve his family, which I don't want to do.

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I was sending emails about the money he owed - I even have in writing his reply saying he agrees he owes me that money… But, the issue is that right now, I do not have his number, nor his email address, nor do I know where he lives… So, I cannot communicate with him about the money - unless I involve his family, which I don't want to do.

 

 

Since you have a protection order against you, you should NOT send any information directly. You need an attorney, who will have access to subscription and free databases and sometimes ridiculously simple ways of finding someone's address.

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Since you have a protection order against you, you should NOT send any information directly. You need an attorney, who will have access to subscription and free databases and sometimes ridiculously simple ways of finding someone's address.

 

He doesn't have a protection order against me, his new GF does...

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You're still better off assigning an attorney (check with your medical school, some of them offer some free basic legal services) since there's a good chance they share an address.

 

Do what you can to make any contact go through a neutral third party, preferably one legally assigned for the purpose, to ensure there can't be any "he said, she said" brought into it. Make sure there's a formal paper trail for everything.

 

But first step - talk to either the school's or state legal aid, and see what they advise as a next step.

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so...its his debt. Why do you have to chase him for it. You are not married, so its not in your name. let the creditors chase him. Is the house in your name or joint? If you can, I would sell it if it is in both of your names to be done with him. If it is just in your name you can't afford it and if you will at least break even, I would sell it. 3 pets is manageable. They are YOUR pets now so stop calling them 'his' and expecting him to take care of them or compensate you or hold it against him now.

 

I would not go to the house if his mom is staying there - be an arm's length landlord. If it gets to be too much sell the house or after a reasonable lease is up - 6 months, a year, then ask her to leave because it is too difficult for you and find another renter.

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