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Is wife withholding sex, or just not interested?


Lion

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Hi all, first post here. I'm looking for some advice. I can't figure out my wife when it comes to our lack of sex. Mainly because when we do have sex, it's fantastic and she's singing my praises for days (and not always just to me), but it happens so infrequently. Don't get me wrong, I understand that her drive is lower than mine... I don't think that's really the issue. I usually can't get any kind of intimate touch from her, even when she knows I need it. I try to initiate, but more often than not, it ends up with me touching her, bringing her to orgasm, and then some dialogue like "I love it when you touch me..." followed by a minute or two of silence, and then her saying something like "I owe you one" and then falling asleep. And frequently she likes to use the phrase "Well, you are NEVER gonna get laid now..." in a playful way, usually after I do something goofy (I'm a lighthearted, playful sort of guy). But tonight, when making a comment on how long my hair was getting, and attempting to pull it back into a ponytail in the mirror, she said that phrase again, and I lost it. It felt like she may as well just kicked me in the gut. I said (in a passive-aggressive way), "You know, you say that an awful lot, and I'm starting to think you're right." She got pissed and started some rant about how "she doesn't keep track on a calendar or anything" and then went silent. I love her very much, and I know she loves me. But I need this from her and there seems to be no hope at all. I get nothing from her. I frequently try to get her in the mood, and give her multiple orgasms from manual and oral stimulation (another thing I've heard her brag on me about), but then it just ends. No sex. Not even reciprocation. I haven't had an orgasm by my wife's doing for months, and I don't think she even realizes it, or even cares. But if I bring it up it turns into "I'm sorry" or "All you care about is sex".

 

Just to fill in some info, I'm 27, she's 26. We've been married for 3 and a half years, together for 7. We have 2 children, 6 and 2. I work full time, she works part time, and yes, I do my fair share around the house and with the kids. Our marriage seems great other than in this department, but I'm feeling more and more unloved with every little comment and every failed attempt at a physical encounter with my wife. Maybe I'm whining about it, I don't know. Maybe it's me. But I feel like I can't continue like this without "passive-aggressive" becoming "aggressive". Any advice?

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Your wife does sound very selfish! I couldn't even imagine having an orgasm, rolling over, going to sleep and saying "catch ya later!". Is that a thing? Can you do that??Clearly I've been missing out...

 

I agree that it's time for a heart to heart if you haven't had one already. Not when it happens again (or in bed)... not while you are in the heat of the moment... but one evening when the kids go to bed, she doesn't seem exhausted and you have a few moments to yourselves. In this conversation, it's probably important not to be accusatory and to just talk about your needs (need for sex) and your feelings (sex makes you feel loved and you are missing that connection). Ask for her help and suggestions on how to make this area of your marriage better.

 

I would even go so far as to say that if she is not receptive, to ask to go to marriage councilling. I know that may sound harsh to her ears (and maybe to yours) - but she needs to understand the severity of the problem. And it IS a severe problem.

 

Really - marriage councilling is probably a good idea anyways. I don't want to cause problems where they don't exist... and you didn't post about it... but I suspect this selfishness appears elsewhere in the marriage. It's just too surprising an act (to me) to believe otherwise.

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yea... i m a female. i love being stimulated more than giving it to my guy. but when he does it to me... i have a natural tendency to return the favor.

ur wife should really take care of ur needs.

 

it seems though u should talk to her calmly about it instead of being passive/aggressive.

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Thanks for validating this issue for me, guys. I do want to clear one thing up. After she has had her orgasm(s), she is always very appreciative and affectionate. She tells me that she loves me and that she's sorry, and that she'll get me next time. Rereading my post, it's not quite as cold as I made it sound. But, reciprocation rarely ever happens. Yeah, RedDress, from experience, it is a thing, but I wouldn't recommend it (unless you really make up for it)... If she were to make good on all the "next times" that I had banked at once, I don't think I would live through the experience. Lol

 

I have tried talking about this with my wife before, and it never goes well. She either gets angry or upset that I put such a "high priority" on sex. I never try to collect on what is "owed" to me because I would rather just go without than open up that can of worms with her. Hell, just typing that put it into perspective for me... I want her to take care of my needs because SHE WANTS TO, not because she "owes me one"... but beggars can't be choosers. I would take anything right now, honestly. Anyway, I've mentioned marriage counseling in the past... THAT conversation didn't go well at all. As I can gather, she thinks that I'm making up a problem. She thinks that I just need it more than her, and that I need to just deal with the fact that she has a lower sex drive than I do. I understand this, but when I hear that average healthy couples have sex 1-2 a week (honestly that number seems a little high), and I'm lucky to get it 5-6 times a YEAR, it's a little disheartening (especially considering I can't even get a freaking handjob as a consolation prize for trying once in a while).

 

Ugh, sexual frustration is the worst. I love her so much, and yet I'm beginning to resent her, partially because I don't know if she's being ignorant about my needs, or calloused.

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Was she always like this? When did she begin to become so palpably selfish?

 

It's one thing to have a low libido--it's quite another to be bald faced negligent towards your vow of cherishing your husband.

 

I think that you need to tell her it's time for you two to see a professional about this because you did not sign up to be her roommate or to be celebate for the rest of your life. If she can't be moved to address your needs, then a change needs to be put in place and whatever that change is depends upon her and what direction she wants her life to go in.

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id stop pleasuring her at all unless she pleasures you first. once she misses you giving her an orgasm you should find she is more open to pleasing you and having sex.

 

im a woman and i just cant believe she could turn over and say il get you next time.... i have never known a man who would not get in a huff over something like that and rightly so. you seem to be a pushover. i mean at the very least you should show her youre annoyed when she doesnt reciprocate and not hide that! i think id even masturbate infront of her and see her reaction... i mean does she care at all!

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Have to agree with Louise in that you sound like a bit of a pushover always pleasing her, never setting your foot down and demanding that your needs get met as well. The result is that she has grown into a monster. In a way, we all teach others how we can be treated. You have been accepting her behavior for so long, it's become a difficult problem. Also, when you attempt to talk to her, you are actually letting her mow you down with her arguments. Her arguments are nonsense. You don't even have a sex life to speak of. The thing is that she knows that she can pitch a fit, rattle you and you'll back off. She is actively walking all over you.

 

Also, agree that you need to stop pleasuring her and then letting her roll over. It doesn't matter what sweet words she utters, her actions are louder and they tell you the truth - she is not interested in taking care of you. So I don't know, maybe next time you have sex, actually take care of yourself first and tell her you owe her one, roll over and go to sleep, or take of yourself first and her after. Stop treating her like a princess in bed, because that's exactly what she has become - a selfish little princess who expects all and gives nothing.

 

Finally, if counseling you need, then again, there comes a time where you need to have that conversation with her - it's either counseling or I'm kicking you out, aka divorce. Bluff if you have to, but regain some control in your life, because right now you have none. I don't buy for a moment that your marriage is otherwise perfect, so counseling for you might be badly needed.

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>>I'm lucky to get it 5-6 times a YEAR,

 

No, that is definitely not normal for someone your age, and is a sign of something wrong. Basically you're like roommates if that is all that happens and not a true marriage because physical intimacy is a big part of building a strong marriage.

 

My suggestion is that you schedule time with a marriage counselor to talk about this. You need to get to the root of why this is so infrequent and try to fix it. She may have hormonal issues, or may be inhibited, or may be having an affair, who knows! But I think that the infrequency you are having is setting up one or both of you to have affairs that might break up the marriage if either of you really spark on another person. May not have happened yet, but will over the course of a lifetime if you don't address this now.

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Yes, as mentioned, she does sound 'selfish'. To not return the favour. That is part of 'love'.

Strange for her replies back to you- really odd. And she's still so young, so not like she's going thru menopause or anything?

 

Not too long ago, a friend said this to me.." Without sex, the relationship is just a friendship'. This really made sense and they're right, I agree. Something like this is an essential part of a relationship.

 

I'd do as some have mentioned. Sit down & have a heart to heart, calming ask her as to 'why' she's being this way... does she just not 'want' to go further with you anymore? Being 'tired' is a lame excuse, I feel.

Because really, if you're still into someone everything should still be involved with sex.

 

good luck

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