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A more than a year after long-term relationship break up, I still can't date


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Hi there enotalone community,

 

It's been a while. Life's been busy and turmoils happened. A year and two months ago, I broke up my 7 years long relationship. You helped me a lot with it, you can read more about it here . It wasn't easy. This is the single hardest thing I did.

 

We didn't broke up on bad terms or had great problems, we just drifted, I felt unhappy. I tried to keep friends after the initial non-contact time, but that is not working out. He always wants me back the right instant, he wants me to promise myself to him once again, he is not giving me time.

 

When I was breaking up I was honest and communicated with him that I want to reconsider everything, that I don't want to see other people, just to regain myself and make sense of everything again. I know that he has been seeing other girls, he started doing it right away, I have met some of them. He seems relaxed about that, and says he can't be alone and that he has to see other girls, although he always says he loves me and can't live without me every time he sees me. That is his right and I can't blame him, dating others. I still don't date, i still can't.

 

I somehow thought that it would be disrespectful go to into the next relationship immediately and just start seeing somebody when I still haven't finished regaining my identity and figuring my emotions. I thought that seeing somebody that isn't 100 times better than him would be wrong. I know, I can't compare, but that is what I thought. I wanted to make me better so maybe we can be better together, give him time to rethink himself as well.

 

I still feel like I need his permission, I am still attached.

 

What is wrong with me? I know now that I don't want to go back to him, how do I move from here? How can I relax and date again?

 

I am now 24, and I have people calling me on dates all the time, but I just feel like they are bothering me at the end. Why can't I just relax and give someone a chance?

 

I feel very lonely

 

How can I overcome this emotional block? I am scared of the new, and I just can't let go.

 

How long did it take for you to start dating again?

 

Thank you, good people, in advance.

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my longest relationship lasted 3 years and ended with him cheating on me; it took me 4 years, loads of therapy and ena support (both through directly open topics or reading other people's experiences) for me to consider dating again. before that, I had broken up a 2yr r/s, to which it took me less than 6 months to get back on my feet.

 

time is relative, and it depends. that 3yr's ex said to me right before we parted that "we were not really over" and he'd win me back AND that I would never belong to someone the way I belonged to him. back then I was in no state to realize how abusive that was, and he actually managed to break me for quite some time.

 

how to move on? well, I did the self-destructive thing to do, I started hooking up randomly. then I started dating a guy, but it was a relationship with an expiration date, because I was moving out - he knew it, so we didn't get too emotionally involved. after that there were months of random hook-ups, then I started with 3 main fwb's, each one lasting about a year. eventually I grew out of not getting involved and started dating again. most of them were the wrong guys, and I can't say yet where my current bf falls, but I'm feeling better about opening my heart to the possibilities. dating people even when you don't feel like it helped me understand what I want and what I don't want in a relationship, or as my significant other.

 

and how will you know that someone is 100 times better than your ex if you don't give them a chance to show it to you?

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Mmmm.. 7 years is quite a relationship. Between your last post(s) from your old topic, and your post here, you come off as a very pleasing and caring person.. someone that may even put others feelings before her own. I even remember being in a relationship or two with women who were exactly in your shoes (being confused about themselves/finding themselves, etc.). For one, when you start to take that path to improving yourself, you have to remove everything that is not benefiting you, orrr harming you more than benefiting. Currently, that is him. And as great of a guy he may or may not be, all of that doesn't matter, him being in the picture for any reason won't help you right now.

 

Going NC shouldn't be a time-based thing in my opinion. It should be as long as takes until that point [if it happens] where you run into that person, and feel nothing romantically. You know the saying "Out of sight, out of mind." Well it REALLY does help here... However putting a time limit on that doesn't... Like agatha, I've gotten over a 5+ year relationship in months; while my last 1 year relationship took almost 2 years to get over.

 

As well, it may be difficult to stick with the entire regime of focusing entirely on yourself while pushing away anything that has romance written on it. Try finding support and 'entertainment' in friends and family until you feel you're strong enough to give the dating scene another shot.. It may take a few weeks, it may take a few years, keep at it. You want to try to focus more on your own happiness, improvement, and entertainment than you do dating, or your ex, or companionship in general. The biggest eye opener you'll go through, is when you realize your own independence and freedom.. When you no longer feel like you have to call him or consult him for permission on anything, and this person no longer plays a daily role in your mind, and becomes a distant memory.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you FlashEng1 and agatha!

 

So I guess me not dating is normal, and from what you bout say is that time is actually crucial here.

Maybe I should stop evaluating everybody in front and just give someone a chance to reach out to me, as agatha says.

 

I saw him the other day, and I can say that still even after more than a year, I still feel like his girl when he appears

I will try to prolong non contact further.

 

Thanks!

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