i can count the times i've been assaulted and i'm afraid it'll happen again

[Guest runkittenrun]

The most recent time was in September of last year. i woke up with my "friend" on top of my now partially undressed body and his hands on and in various parts of me. i had previously told this guy (so this was a friend that i trusted enough to confide a very personal secret to) about the time i was raped at age 14. That time, i was picked up while hitchhiking, something i'd done before because my friends had told me it was safe where we lived. The man that picked me up took me to his place and dropped me off afterwards at a nearby church. Back in 5th grade, this boy in my class would come over and we would just kiss. Innocent enough until he started bringing his 16 year old brother over to join us. Not to mention my "special alone time" with my friend's uncle, that same year.

 

That is what all replays in my mind when someone casually or jokingly mentions rape. Even if it's part of a valid argument, it doesn't stop me from remembering EVERYTHING. But it's not like i can ask people to stop using that word around me. i feel like they'll immediately know that it's because i was raped that i don't like that word.

 

My husband knows how i feel about the word and has made an effort to stop using the word around me. But he forgets sometimes when someone else brings it up and he joins the conversation instead of changing the topic. i used to tell him when he messed up, but he'd just get sad about having messed up and promise to do better next time. But it doesn't seem like anythings changed, so i've just stopped bringing it up.

 

My nightmares used to be horrifying in detail and far too frequent. But since being able to wake up to my husband's embrace, they've seemed to subside immeasurably. i barely have them anymore, and when i do, i know i can just wake him up and he'll calm me down and talk me through it until i'm able to fall back asleep.

 

He's the reason i can really enjoy my life now. Before, when any and then all of the horrible things that have happened to me would rear their ugly heads. My reaction would either be to shut down and confide myself to a room until i'd fall asleep, or to find something to distract my thoughts so I didn't have the time to be sad. Now, while the memories are still unpleasant to experience, I can feel sad for a moment until i turn to my husband and ask him to make me laugh. He brings me into a much more pleasant and wonderful world than the one i've known for too much of my life.

 

Unfortunately, i still fear for myself, daily. i'm scared to be left alone. i'm afraid to enter the (hopefully) empty house on my own. i'm afraid of being in any room with only one other male (or worse, more than just one). These scenarios where i'm attacked run rampant through my head. A stranger hiding in the closet. The doctor locking the door. A friend threatening me to stay absolutely still and quiet. i am so scared that it's going to happen again and that i won't fight.

 

i don't blame myself for not fighting when i was a kid, i didn't know that i should've been fighting what was happening to me. And when i was 14, i tried to fight at first but he was strong and i was scared. Last year, it happened so quickly i didn't remember to fight until after i had pushed him off of me and ran away. i'd like to think that i know better now, that i could stop an attacker. But i'm also so afraid that if it happens again, i'll be in a situation that fighting back will mean risking my life to get away. And that i might choose to just be raped again instead of taking that risk.

[abitbroken]

The most recent time was in September of last year. i woke up with my "friend" on top of my now partially undressed body and his hands on and in various parts of me. i had previously told this guy (so this was a friend that i trusted enough to confide a very personal secret to) about the time i was raped at age 14.

 

Telling a guy you were raped doesn't make him rape you.

 

Yes, it was not your fault when you were a kid. You did nothing wrong. But as an adult, you have a duty to protect yourself through your choices. I don't really understand how your friend was on top of you partially undressed unless he lives with you and your husband and he snuck into bed with you. I am not trying to make light - but now is the time to guard your choices. That is - don't put yourself in a position where you are away from home drunk or otherwise compromised judgement where you could be coerced, have an agreement of who stays with you and your husband at your house or has access to it, always leave for the parking structure at night with another coworker, etc. . and not being alone late at night with a male friend.

 

Again, I am not "blaming the victim"> there are people who get attacked as adults who never have in their life no matter the precautions but when one is repeatedly a victim of a particular thing, its time to figure out what you can do to protect yourself and why it continues. Does it mean taking a self defense class? Being more aware of surroundings? Or whatever it is... Because it is always someone you know and never a random stranger, I think you really need to figure out how to head off another attack way ahead of time by your choices and who you let in to your life

 

And that i might choose to just be raped again instead of taking that risk.

 

This right here is what I mean. Making a "choice" to get raped? How about making a choice not to and making changes in your security whether you need a home alarm or making choices about who you are alone with, etc, or what you are aware of? That sounds like a better choice than to prepare yourself "for the next rape

[Guest runkittenrun]

i mentioned that i had told my "friend" about my previous rape to emphasize that i absolutely trusted him. Enough to fall asleep in the same room as him.

 

Saying that it wasn't my fault when i was a kid implies you think it was my fault as an adult. Whether or not you say later that you aren't victim blaming.

 

Also, not all of my attackers were people i knew and trusted. i did not know the man who picked me up when I was hitch hiking and never saw him again.

 

i do everything in my power to protect myself now, without seeming like a nut job and locking myself in my house 24/7. But i can only do so much, and i cannot control anyone else's actions. So everyone I meet is a possible attacker to me. i am terrified to be anywhere without my husband. i am in no way preparing for the next rape. What i am is terrified that if i am ever in a similar situation, that i will not be prepared to handle the situation and in one way or another, my safety will be in danger.

[Capricorn3]

OP: Have you ever been to counseling/therapy for all these issues? If not, why not? If you haven't then I strongly recommend you seek professional counseling - I think you need it.

[itsallgrand]

Have you ever spoken to anyone besides your husband about what you have and are going through?

 

I am not an expert. It sure sounds to me like you have experienced, are experiencing, some trauma related issues.

 

Personally, I lived with trauma related issues for too darn long. Pretty much my entire teen years and through my twenties. I needed professional help. It was suggested to me, several times, within several close relationships (romantic and platonic/familial). I always brushed it off; figured it was something I had to deal with myself. Felt like a failure somehow if I didn't.

 

Finding the right psychiatrist, I am not over stating here, literally saved my life. I was 29 when I first went - after the ending of a long term relationship. I was in intensive treatment for a little over 2 years. It's been a few years since I completed it.

 

I still wake up in the morning thankful. It's amazing. I used to have night mares almost every single night. I have one maybe once or twice a year now; and they are mild. Other improvements are drastic too.

 

I see you posted your age as 19. That means, you have an entire life time yet in front of you. And, your brain is still actively growing very quickly and forming new connections yet on a daily basis. Very pliable.

 

It is the perfect time to address this. Recovery truly is possible.

 

I am glad for you you have found a man who loves you, and who you feel safe with. Let him be there and you work on getting better. Don't be a fool like me - I was in a relationship where I felt safe and loved, and I refused to work on getting better. It took me losing it to seek out help.

 

Do it now. You aren't alone; I promise.

[Seraphim]

Honey, have you gone for therapy? It is absolutely essential to be able to progress from where you are. I was sexually abused as a child by several people from ages 6 to 13. I was also raped when I was 19. I was drugged and then raped while at a bar.

 

I went for therapy when I was 14 to 16. And I did not go to therapy again until last year. I am 47 now. I had to go to therapy again because my PTSD got completely out of hand and I had a complete breakdown. I will now tell you that therapy completely saved my life and has made my life way more productive and happy. I was terrified to go to therapy because I thought it would make me worse but that is completely untrue I am so much better than I ever dreamed possible.

 

I want you to be a productive and happy person completely happy so please love yourself enough and get help if you have not. You can repair yourself.

 

Hugs.

[itsallgrand]

link removed

 

A link to get you started thinking about it...

[Guest runkittenrun]

i tried to get professional help once, but they needed my insurance information and my parents would've been notified, so i didn't go through with it. Since moving out, marrying and having been assaulted again, i've considered therapy. But my husband's ex had many mental problems, took quite a bit of medication and went to therapy weekly. i don't want to end up like that, i don't want to be anything like his ex. And i feel like if i start going to a therapist, then i may end up more like her than i'd care to be.

[Seraphim]

Needing help is not shameful love and nor should ANYONE feel shamed for getting help or needing medication. Would you tell a diabetic not to go to the doctor and not take insulin? It is the same with the mind. When it needs care it needs care.

[abitbroken]

I was not implying it was "your fault" as an adult - you are the on reading into it. Only that now you are an adult, you have more control over your whereabouts, the company you keep, etc, than you did as a child. It is meant to be empowering that you have CHOICES now. You are in control. I understand you trusted that guy. I trust people. But because you trust someone with a secret doesn't mean you can expect them to behave the way you want them to. Your husband is an appropriate man to fall asleep with. Not a male friend. IF your husband was sleeping next to you and you guys were camping out with other couples/people that is one thing, but falling asleep with a male friend is not a "safe" thing to do. If you have a history of assault, your guard has to be WAAAYYY up. What he did was wrong, but you need to look out for YOU and make choices that won't put you in potential harm also!

 

I highly highly suggest counseling. You are married now so not on your parents' insurance and also there are free support groups and if your parents or husband has to know you are in counseling, you need to swallow your pride for your own good.

[savignon]

I agree that there is nothing whatsoever "crazy" or shameful about getting therapy. I've had years of therapy myself and met some extremely high quality people who really wanted a better life for themselves...and found it. At 19, you are still sooooo young...meaning, you have sooooooo much of your life still ahead of you and it would be a complete and total shame to live in the fear you have now for years and years to come. You can absolutely have a safter mindset that's not dependent on your husband and go on to have a happier and safer feeling life.