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Wife had an affair, what do I do now?


rocky87

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I am a serving soldier and recently returned home from a lengthy tour of Afghanistan. My wife and I have had a few problems but I felt on the whole that it was nothing to worry about. I haven't been the perfect husband, I should have shown her more affection I know, but this?!

 

It turns out that while I was away, risking my life for us and our two young children that she had been having an affair with another soldier who didnt deploy.

 

I am utterly devestated. I love this woman with all my heart but i HATE what she has done to me. I cant eat, sleep or find even 5 minutes of the day where I feel anything that resembles happiness. The thought of her laying with another man makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

I finally found out on Christmas Eve, not because she wanted to tell me but because her lover has been threatening to tell me since my return (September) and was no longer buying her stories that I already knew. He has made a profile on Facebook under a fake name and posted pictures and videos of their sexual encounters. He is threatening to send friend requests to all of our friends and families. The police have been involved and he is not allowed to contact us or face being arrested.

 

We have talked it through from start to finish. I know it lasted over a month and she tells me that she lost count the number of times they slept together. She said he made her feel sexy and wanted. I think what hurts the most is that she let him into her life, he came to our house and they had sex in our bed with our children asleep just next door.

 

Watching the video of her and him in the act was something I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. Normally wronged spouses can only imagine the pleasure their lover was giving them but I got to see and hear it first hand. I now feel like my masculinity has been ripped from me. I cannot stop picturing them together and it is driving me insane.

 

She is full of regret and remorse. She says she doesnt even recognize the woman she was while I was away. She wants to go to councilling and work through our problems. I just dont know what to do. She has broken so many boundaries, how can I ever trust her again?

 

In my opinion, cheating on your spouse is one of the worst things that a person can do. But my wife didn't just cheat, she cheated while I was in a warzone, she let him into my house, she let him film her and did it all while our children where in the house.

 

Someone help me. I cant talk to my friends or family as I am so ashamed of what she has done. Is there a way back from here? Should I stay and try? I just dont know..

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Well first is you have no shame to bear in this. This is all completely and utterly on her. It is not your fault that she cheated and you bear no responsibility for her actions and her absolute lack of self control.

 

As for where to from now, don't really know what to tell you. Personally, I draw a hard red line on that. If my SO ever cheated, it's already a foregone conlusion that he would instantly find himself sitting on the curb. No discussions, no therapy, no counseling, no second chances. To me, it is the ultimately betrayal that I could not forgive.

 

Basically, you are sitting at a fork in the road. Either you can completely and utterly forgive her, patch things up and never hold this against her going forward or you know that you can't and need to part ways. What you cannot and should not do is go half way in either direction - stay but forever hound her because you cannot trust or go, but always wonder if that was the wrong choice. Half way will destroy you internally.

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that is so messed up of her. i am so sorry. you didn't deserve that, especially being so far away and for putting your life in danger everyday.

 

i think you don't need to make any decisions right away. it might be worth going to the counselor (either by yourself or together with our wife) to figure out if staying makes sense for you. you might want to consult a divorce lawyer as well.

 

your masculinity is not gone!! she is the one with the poor morals. she should have been taking care of your kids and writing letters to you while you were gone, not off boning some other man. ugh.

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I'm so very sorry you had this happen to you.

 

What is it that would give you peace of mind? Do you think you would be able to forgive her and work through this betrayal and never think of it or let it dominate your life? It's pretty much going to take you being able to resolve your feelings about this act and move forward with her. Is she even worth that kind of trouble?

 

I'm of the school of thought that once a cheater, always a cheater. It's really not hard to stay faithful. It really isn't. It's a breathtaking lack of discipline and character to allow yourself to weaken to the point where you trash your marriage vows just because you're not "feeling sexy". That's a real pathetic excuse if you ask me. People cheat because they're selfish and because they want to--no other reasons.

 

Her behavior is not and never will be a reflection on you, your masculinity or your worth as a man. You were serving your country; she knew what being a military wife was about when she put on that white dress, walked down that aisle and said "I do" to you. She really has no excuses for what she did.

 

You have a lot to think on in the coming days and weeks. Snap decisions made from a place of extreme emotion probably isn't a good idea right now, but there's one thing that's for sure: neither you or your children should be leaving your home--she'd have to go and she'd go without them. I hope they throw the book at dude for his eff-ery.

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I am sorry you are going through this. I already know for sure if my SO ever cheats in any way (including cyber sex, texting other women, emotional affair or full sex) any kind if cheating under any circumstances-we are done. No going back for me, no second chances, no counselling. I would never stay with someone who hurts me this way. Its not love when it hurts so much IMO and I know myself well enough to know that it would turn me into a monster if I did stay. I would never trust again and probably fight all the time etc

 

but I am not you and I cannot tell you what you should or shouldnt do. Perhaps book yourself a holiday-somewhere nice and quite that you can go alone so you can clear your head and think.

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Don't be ashamed to lean on your loved ones. As other posters have said, this does not reflect on you.

 

All the crying in the world won't change what she'd done. That's what people do when they're caught - they lie or cry so much that you forget you're mad. This is yet another of her manipulations.

 

I wish you the best of luck in the months to come in deciding what to do for yourself and your children. The good news is that if you do file for divorce, sue for custody - those awful pics and videos will help you get there.

 

But it's easy for us to say, I know. It's different when you have a history with someone and have children with them. There's a lot to consider.

 

But just remember this...why didn't SHE consider all this when she slept with him? And it's not like it was just one night of terrible judgment (not that that would make it any better). The fact that it happened repeatedly shows how unimportant her marriage vows are to her. Countless men & women stay loyal to their spouses all the time. My opinion? She doesn't deserve you. I'm so sorry for your pain.

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Rocky, there is no greater pain than a failing marriage but you must keep yourself together for you and the kids.

 

You said, “Should I stay and try?”

- It’s great you came here looking for advice! Keep asking, learning and reading but be warned; While general advice from others who have been there is good, don’t expect anyone to make the final decision about staying or divorce.

It’s simply not fair to put that burden on anyone. Like when you chose to wed, it must be your decision.

 

Next:

- So you can understand cheating… secretly purchase James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough”

- Do not lose to much weight or let yourself go. Eat more and get out and exercise.

- Give us a brief outline of your courtship and marriage.

- You said, “I haven't been the perfect husband, I should have shown her more affection I know…” What did/do you mean by this?

- Until you get your head together… Do not have sex or sleep in the same bed with her.

- If she pushes, tell her to back off and that you need time to think. Think aloof.

- Do not use a computer/whatever she has access to. (She may not but the other guy will most likely try to spy.)

- Think about if you really want to try and save this marriage.

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Someone help me. I cant talk to my friends or family as I am so ashamed of what she has done. Is there a way back from here? Should I stay and try? I just dont know..

 

I totally feel for you. I just went through the same hell two weeks ago. I got a lot of great advice from the posters on this sight. The more details you give, the more the posters can help. It's tough with kids involved. If she is truly remorseful of her actions then perhaps there's a chance for reconciliation, both of you have to be prepared for a long hard road ahead. You'll need immediate and ongoing couples therapy by a skilled therapist. But it will only work if both of you are fully engaged in the process. (In my situation, my wife is still seeing the OM and has no interest in reconciliation, so I've cut her off as of today. No contact.) I know it's devastating, but realize it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. She needs to step up to the plate and face the fact that it was her doing and she needs individual counselling as well. Good luck. You have a choice of what thoughts to think and if you fill your mind with positive thoughts you can push out the images you witnessed, but it is a long hard road. I know.

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What she has done to you is despicable- she has betrayed you, your family and your marriage. The fact that she disrespected you by sleeping with this nasty piece of your work in your own bed with your children nearby is truly repulsive. My ex husband did the exact same thing to me and came back begging, promising to go to counseling and even swore he would burn the bed and buy a new one, but for me it was over. I could never think about him the same way and the thought of kissing him or letting him ever touch me again filled me with utter revulsion. She has destroyed your trust and faith in her and it's likely she will do it if it strikes her fancy or she starts feeling lonely again, but ulimately it's up to what you think is best for you. Do not stay with her just for the sake of your kids because that's not fair to them or to you. You deserve someone who loves you and is loyal to you in the good times and the bad. I am truly sorry you have had to suffer through this nightmare and I wish you nothing but the best and thank you from my heart for serving our country.

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Yeah, um, I don't think I could get over that. The fact that she cheated on you was bad enough, the sex tapes is insult to injury. If my wife ever cheated and I wanted to reconcile, I almost would hope that I never knew who the person was, let alone SEE it, cause I don't think you can "un-see" something like that. The only silver lining is clearly this guy is a first class loser, and she might give second thoughts about doing anything this again because of what has certainly been an embarrassment and disaster of epic proportions. She is probably not only remorseful, but completely humiliated.

 

Look, if you still love her, try the counselling thing out. Maybe give it a year. If your feelings don't change, I would not blame you AT ALL for taking off (I wouldn't blame you for that now).

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OP, real talk -- you will never get those images out of your head. Ever.

 

I think it's time to separate and divorce. Ask her to move out. Why should you lose your home because she spoiled it? Keep a copy of the tape and pictures to send to your lawyer. Anyone would understand after seeing you deserve at least joint custody if not full. Worst comes to worst, you share the family home and alternate who stays with the children on what days -- but work this out with a lawyer. NO verbal agreements because she could discard them and establish herself as the primary caregiver.

 

Next, as painful as it feels, it's important you let all of you closest family and friends know what she did. Including your in-laws. You need them on your side. She should be shamed for what she has done so she doesn't use being a mother as reason to get full custody and alimony. The courts are stacked against you unfortunately.

 

And finally, get your job involved. You are a SOLIDER. So is the other man. The military has codes of conduct. Put this on record. He will be reprimanded for adultery AND for harassment (posting explicit pictures of your wife online and staking!).

 

You've got to remember, none of this is your fault. It doesn't make you less of a man. But right now, your top priority is to be a FATHER and that means fighting for your kids. You must establish custody and separation of finances. Failing to do you could mean YOU are ordered to move out and see them every other weekend. Why should you lose access to your kids because she broke up your marriage?

 

I know it seems far off now, but best case scenario is you two divorce. You have low/no alimony and affordable child support payments. You get remarried to a loving, faithful woman who is good to your kids and you create a happy home with her. The woman who cheated on you is NOT your last chance at a happy family life. Remember that.

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you and best of luck, OP!

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My man I know what your going through. I went throught this before twice with the same girl. Here's a little background on my situation so you can apply it to yours:

 

- This girl cheated on me twice (once when she was my fiancee and the other as my wife)

- When she cheated she found a way to make it my fault that she cheated (this was the second time when we were married)

- The first time she cheated she said she was thinking and was vulnerable (we started out dating living in the same city then she moved to 4 hours away because the market crashed and she couldn't find a job so she moved into her parents house in another state)

- I took care of her both times (paid her bills and mine then when we got married i bought her a house and a brand new car)

 

It took everything in me to forgive her and move on. Funny thing was we were actually happy before this happened then in one fell swoop I'm falling from cloud 9. Once I took her back we got married a year later....then it happened again and this time around I wasn't naiive to her lies and divorced her.

 

Don't get me wrong but this is going to be hard. You probably feel like you've been duped by her and somewhat feel lost and alone. You were given a blessing by seeing it. Trust me. I caught my wife checking out of a hotel room with her boss when she told me she was going out of town to visit her mom. Had I not seen it for my own two eyes I still would've been living in the miserable road she was taking me down. She actually told me that she was depressed and wanted to be on her own for 6 months to deal with it then maybe comeback to me after that.

 

Don't do this to yourself. From what I read in your post you are a hero. You serve your country making the ultimate sacrifice for all of us. DON'T EVER TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE NOT A MAN AND THAT THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE OR DIDN'T GIVE HER ENOUGH ATTENTION. There are always ways to talk about issues and she didn't do that. Instead she made a sex tape.

 

I won't tell you to divorce her. I want you to really think about your relationship and the kids and if you can really move forward and trust her again. I want you to look at my story and know that it is an extremely tough road to conquer and that even though I forgave her it wasn't enough to save my relationship/marriage with her.

 

I was lucky that I didn't have kids with her. But I have also known friends that divorced and had kids who ended up fine.

 

And think about this..Next time duty calls and you're shipped out again - Will this affect you? If you're on the battlefield and you're mind isn't in it because you're wondering/insecure of what your wife is doing - How will that affect you and your kids?

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- The first time she cheated she said she wasn't thinking and was vulnerable (we started out dating living in the same city then she moved to 4 hours away because the market crashed and she couldn't find a job so she moved into her parents house in another state)

 

sorry typo.

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