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Boyfriend's family constantly starting something


MitchellsGirl

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Ok so I'm going to begin with saying my boyfriend's family and I have always had a few problems here and there. Now, my boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend go and do the same things we do but NEVER have anyone complain about it at all, and my boyfriend and I are adults. Ok so anyway the problem here is, we're adults and we're allowed to make our own decisions and actually are encouraged to do just that, but even though my boyfriend tells his family what his plans are before he even does them, I'm constantly getting rude insulting messages from his family accusing ME of soooo many things that don't even pertain to the matter at hand. They always say that my boyfriend never tells them anything that he's doing and that he never spends any time with them, I beg to differ on all of this because I have been with him when he's talked to them about plans and I KNOW when my boyfriend is lying or not. Also, his step mother just recently sent me a nasty message saying that my boyfriend and I never told anybody that he was staying with me for Christmas, which I know for a fact he did tell them because we'd been making plans for months. What's worse though is that she tried telling me that this year would have been the first year my boyfriend got to spend with his dad (which I know isn't true because I have photographic proof that he was at their Christmas last year.) Now I might need to explain that my boyfriend just recently met his biological father 2 years ago because his mother never told the father that she was pregnant...and 18 years later BOOM random decision to tell the real father! Anyway, my boyfriend has been living with them for a little bit now to get to know his dad and they get along great, like two peas in a pod....but any time my boyfriend spends ANY time with me, like for example spending the night with me at my apartment for plans we have the next day, the step mother sends me some sort of nasty message accusing me of a bunch of horrible crap. Now today marks a new breaking point, this past Saturday was supposed to be my boyfriend's father's family Christmas with the whole family and my boyfriend found out his dad wasn't going to this family Christmas because he had to work so my boyfriend decided to tell them he wasn't going, he didn't feel comfortable going somewhere where he barely knew anyone without his dad (who is the only blood-tie he has with them). Anyway, today I got another nasty message from the step mother saying that my boyfriend never told anybody anything and that his father was thoroughly heart broken that my boyfriend didn't go. It was a really long message that was very insulting and disrespectful to me and my boyfriend both, so I called him and told him about it because he has asked that I not reply to messages like that. The last thing he said to her on the phone was "I'm sick and tired of you targeting my girlfriend for something I CHOOSE to do myself" and then she hung up. To make a really long story short...I later randomly watched a video on Youtube about bullying (not because of her, just out of boredom) and posted a status saying "It's God's right to pass judgement...think about that" and she went ballistic, said some hateful things to me, and then blocked me on Facebook. I personally think that she has some major issues and I have a theory that it truthfully bothers her that her husband has a child with another woman that they weren't aware of until 2 years ago but her husband is willingly and lovingly accepting him and forming a bond with him. And then there's me, girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, known my boyfriend for 3 years, and anytime I spend time with him a bunch of drama get's started by someone in his family...always pointing a finger at me for something I didn't even do. I've mostly vented during this whole thing but can someone please share with me their thoughts on this? I'm so lost here...

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I would suggest you change your phone and/or block your stepmom and any of your BF's family from contacting you. Have your boyfriend tell them from now on all messages/complaints go to him. You stay out of it and off those lines since they really have zero business contacting you. He's their family member, let him deal with them. They shouldn't be contacting you. Otherwise you simply delete all messages from them without bothering to even look at them and if anything is ever said you shrug and say, "Yeah, no I don't read anything from you."

 

In the end it is your boyfriend's responsibility to control his family, not yours outside of keeping them as far at arm's length as you possibly can. Yes, the stepmother sounds like your standard fairytale nightmare, but the woman shouldn't have any access to you to begin with unless you go to a family gathering. Some people are so nasty and toxic this is all you can do with them, keep them shut out and/or in a box that you try not to have contact with any more than possible. Otherwise killing them with kindness, "Thanks so much for your thoughtful message" is the only other thing I can think of, but that will likely get you accusations of sarcasm and disrespect. (Been there, got that and it was sort of true in my case--I was being sarcastic and disrespecting them after all).

 

Whatever you do don't show anyone you react to these little tirades with anything but the utmost bored indifference. One of the things bullies feed on is creating chaos and emotional turmoil in those they are targeting. It'll take a little while for it to sink in, but every time your BF's stepmom calls or complains or texts an "whatever" and a yawn carefully placed followed by a "say did you hear about that new diner down the street" may do more to take the bully out of her words than anything else. She'll try to ramp it up likely then go away when you are bored, bored, bored with her antics and just don't react.

 

Anyways these are things I've done in a variety of bullying type situations that have worked for me.

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Your boyfriend has already told her to back up off of you. He's dealing with them, as it should be.

 

You need to block his step mother from being able to contact you.

 

Other than that, if she doesn't want to like or accept her, that's her prerogative. She doesn't have to like or accept you and you don't have to go around her or his family.

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The brother and his girlfriend could be a lot older than you guys an that could be why she doesn't say anything or your bf was untrustworthy in the past. I do think at 19 that its a little young to be 'staying with your gf/bf' for Christmas and staying away from family. Do you have your own place??

 

Honestly, it is too much drama for me. I would walk away. Believe me. My ex's family blamed me for everything and it only got worse when we married.

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The brother and his girlfriend could be a lot older than you guys an that could be why she doesn't say anything or your bf was untrustworthy in the past. I do think at 19 that its a little young to be 'staying with your gf/bf' for Christmas and staying away from family. Do you have your own place??

 

Honestly, it is too much drama for me. I would walk away. Believe me. My ex's family blamed me for everything and it only got worse when we married.

 

No the reason I even mentioned that they get away with everything is because my boyfriend and I are significantly older than them but yet they spend the night with each other very frequently and nobody cares. And my boyfriend has never been untrustworthy in the past, in fact he works his butt off to make other people happy before he even thinks of himself, which drains him emotionally I notice. Yes I'm 19 and I realize some may think that's early to be staying with your boyfriend/girlfriend for Christmas but even from the beginning we've tried to schedule planned family get togethers so that he can be at mine and I can be at his, Christmas day nothing was going on except my families Christmas. I would say yes I have my "own place" but I'm not that lucky, I live with my disabled mother in an assisted living apartment complex, so you might as well say I live alone because my mom is never here due to hospital stays/visits.

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