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tsen92843

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I'm new to this forum so I'm not sure if this would go into this section. I've been having a rough year so to speak. My brother and my best friend have developed feelings for each other (they are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend) Initially when she asked me I told her not to date him. I know my brother I love him dearly but I didn't think it would be the right thing for her or for him but I know its just my opinon. My bestfriend, now not even friends, I had a good relationship and would talk literally all day everyday and now its just awkward yes I miss her but so much damage has been done from her to me that I don't think I can even repair the friendship with her. Moving on my brother I knew from before him dating her has had a couple of friends with benefits that he would see regularly and has continued to see them, even though he is dating my ex-friend. I don't have the heart to tell her he has been cheating on her even the first day they had sex he went and saw another girl the very next day. Well this other girl on the side I am not friends but I have gotten to know and she told me she was late for her period. It is now 5-6 weeks late still hasn't had her period, hasn't taken a test but says she isn't pregnant (huge denial all the hormonal signs are there although a test from her doctor is an only true test). I don't have the heart to tell my brother either about this one partly is because the girl on the side told me not to, but I know it will ultimately end up crushing him and my ex-bestfriends world. I'm torn because I know she (ex-bff) likes him although she and her mom threw and continue to throw a lot of money and gifts his way. (I think the gifts were to get him to stay in the first place and he takes them and no even as a friend I never got any gifts and I didn't wish I was showered in gifts I'm not about that, and she always knew that.) She (ex-bff) told me that she just never wanted me to hurt her and this is why I haven't even told her about his cheating although brother before friend.

 

 

Maybe I just want to vent here and maybe one or more of you will have good advice. Part of me wishes this girl is really pregnant so that ultimately the ex-bestfriend will know of his infidelity and then move on, maybe that will end my hurt of her kicking me to the curb and just forgetting how good of a friend I was, Karma I guess is what she will learn from pushing me away. Part of me wants that but then I feel evil almost vindictive for wanting this. Any thoughts?

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Wow... that's really unfair. It sounds like you have really been put into the middle of a mess that is not yours. That's just horrible and all-around hurtful - I think you have every right to be upset.

 

Everyone handles situations differently, but personally, I would handle it as follows:

 

For your brother - I am a big family person so I do believe you owe him a certain amount of loyalty - but he's being a big jerk. If it were my brother, he would be getting a BIG earful from me. He is the primary person you should be mad at. He basically stole your BFF and is treating her like dirt. He stole a relationship that was important to you and is just throwing it away. And he's not even being a good person! He's on a path of destruction hurting 2 girls who care for him AND you! And for what?? To get his jollies?? It's selfish, pure and simple. While I wouldn't go around "confessing his sins", I would let him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is completely unacceptable.

 

For the possibly-pregnant girl, she would get an earful too. It is COMPLETELY unfair of her to tell you a potentially life-altering secret and ask you to keep it from your brother. This is the very definition of putting you in the middle. I would speak to her and insist that she speak to your brother about the situation before you do. She had no right to put you in that situation. If she wanted to confide in someone she should have picked just about anyone else.

 

As for your ex-BFF... while this is the one that hurts you the most, she is the most "innocent" in the bunch, IMO. She is in love (or thinks she is) and people in love do stupid things like push their friends to the side all the time. It's hurtful but not uncommon. She probably also kind of feels the weirdness and is trying to do the right thing by keeping you out of it. And she is being burnt. Badly. While you are hurt, personally, I would put my ego aside and try to be compassionate. If you still speak to her at all, while I would not confess what is going on in your brother's life, I might underline that your brother is not always a nice guy to the girls he dates - but that is as far as I would take it, personally. Her choices, her mistakes and you shouldn't be stuck in the middle.

 

... but I think you should direct your anger where it belongs... and IMO, this is with your brother (even though you are most hurt by the BFF situation)

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Thank you RedDress. I do feel in the middle of this all a pebble stuck between boulders. I've let a lot of pressure build up from all of this situation and have drunken myself a bit a lot. Yes, my brother does need a talk to and I partly just want to sit back and eventually watch everything explode while eating some popcorn. Maybe this is an bad effect from having all this stress.

 

I have told the possibly-pregnant girl that she should tell him and her only response was no because "I'm not pregnant" although she should do herself the favor and check on whats going on because even if she isn't pregnant then there is something physically wrong for her to be that late on her period and who knows might be dragged over to my brother when he goes for his congugal visit and possibly to the ex-BFF.

 

The ex-BFF thank you for tell me she is the most innocent in the situation yes I now finally see that. I have done so much for that girl and I do know that people in love or that think they are tend to kick their friends to the side "honeymooning" just royal sucks. I can't begin to tell you all the little things, her graduation while my brother stood there and didn't do squat for her, I drove us to the ceremony, her shoe broke and I called her mom to bring a new pair and gave her my shoes so she wouldn't be standing on the hot black top barefoot, held her friends keys that I don't care for and that friend doesn't care for me either, although the entire time afterwards she introduced her family to my brother and didn't once bother introducing myself or another friend that flew in from Hawaii. (I did royally chew her out for that one afterwards.) I don't talk to her but the few times that she decides to text me and ask how I'm doing I think that was about a month ago and I was so intoxicated I let my guard down and talked to her via text. When I do see her its so she can pick up my brother to take him to a convention or a movie she's paying for and I do act cordial.

 

I do feel that if this does all come out that I know she will end everything with him and stop coming around. I just don't know what to do if she decides that she wants to be friends again with me and continue to talk to me. I don't know with all the hurt she has caused me that I can ever be friends again. If she asks if I knew about it the whole time do I act dumb or tell her yes and that I didn't tell her because she never wanted me to hurt her.

 

UGH even my hair has thinned a lot from all this stress. Thank you though tremendously for the advice and if you do have anymore it is very welcomed and if anyone else would like to chime in please and thank you.

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Sorry... I'm on my phone now so I can't type too much... maybe someone else will jump in and answer more thoroughly... but I did want to follow-up and say that if your ex-BFF figures it all out and confronts you on what you know, I would just stop her and say "Listen - we are talking about my BROTHER. I love you both and I cannot be in the middle. Any issues between you are between the two of you. I'm sorry, but I will

not be answering any question or choosing sides".

 

If she cannot understand that her dating your brother put you in a very difficult situation, she is not a friend anyways.

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If you want the girl to be pregnant so your former best friend leaves your brother, what kind of friend are you? I think that you are jealous that you yourself did not have a relationship with your female best friend and your brother moved in first. I also think that you are jealous of their time spent. I think that you should tell the possibly pregnant girl that it is none of your business and she needs to talk to your brother, not you. But it might not even be his baby or could be stress. Take yourself out of the middle. And start forming more male friendships so all these love triangles and women confiding in you for whatever reason stop wrecking havoc on your life. I am not saying women are bad - but distance yourself appropriately on these friendships.

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I would be done with any friend who threw my friendship and support aside in order to screw my brother.

 

Ha. Fortunately, I won't be in situation since I grew up with two sisters. But yeah, I could see how uncomfortable it is for the OP! I would be mad too.

 

Whenever there's a man in site, they'll knife their girl in the back. People like that need to be dropped off at the mall.

 

Yeah, it's disloyal for sure.

 

However, it's important to recognize this phenomenon is not gender specific! There are many men who dump their friends when they get a new girlfriend -- meaning they don't spend as much time with the guys anymore and they become very distant to female friends.

 

Truth is, friendship dynamics change when one friend gets into a relationship. The sign of a true friend is after the honeymoon phase wears off, do they make times for their friends or not? If they fall off the Earth then they aren't very loyal. If they make an effort to keep the friendship alive, you've got a winner.

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