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How Do I Cut Off The Feelings and See Him Just As A Friend?


RitaTrue

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Reynold* and I started off as good friends when we met about 6 weeks ago. He told me that he liked me, but I only saw him as a friend. So it didnt matter.But, as time went on, I started liking him more.

 

BUT, I feel uncomfortable being with him in an exclusive relationship, which is what he wants, for a few reasons:

1) He's said he likes to chase women and has been a womanizer before.

2) He has 3 children by 3 different women. (I'm not dissing those in similar situations, I just dont want that to be involved in those dynamics)

3) He's a problem drinker and a smoker (I'm the opposite. I dont smoke and I seldom drink).

4) I've caught him lying to me about the girl he sees when he didnt have to, or even say anything about her to me at all.

 

It's at an awkward place. We're friends but we do kiss and cuddle because there is SOME amount of feelings now. I know he's seeing someone else in a nearby town, which is fine because we're both single. But when I caught him lying to me about her, unnecessarily, I felt negatively about him. I no longer trust him. I know it's none of my business. That's ok. But I feel like if you volunteer information, which he did, then why lie about what you volunteer to say?

 

Anyway, since we're both single, I figured I should seeing people too. Im now talking to another guy who I'll call Kevin*. Eventually Reynold found out I was seeing him, and got very upset. So upset, that he came by to "let me have it" verbally. Well, that didnt happen. Instead, we had a long 12 hour talk, ironing out things,...then we went back to cuddling again, and our final answer was: we should seek guidance on our problems. Well, that was a big FAT FAIL, because the next night, we had sex. I immediately regretted it. Even now. The next day was awkward, but he went out of his way to make things normal again. He's cordial and affectionate still. And took me out to eat this morning. But, when we're alone, he'll still make subtle "joking" suggestions, like showering together or having sex again, even though he said he regretted it the first time, like I did. And he also said, he'd keep testing me sexually, which I also find odd and somehow rude, since he knows I no longer want to be in that place again.

 

I feel like I've f'd up, sleeping with him in the first place. I know that. But I wanted advice on cutting off feelings. I just want to see him as a friend now. I'm tired of looking at him this way and am tired of seeing him still talk the other woman. I just want to get back to that place of not caring anymore.

 

Advice?

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Well, you cant really choose what your feelings towards a person will be.

Obviously this person is not the perfect match for you, he has all the bad habbits PLUS 3 kids with 3 different wives... and he is seeing someone else on top of all those.

 

Stay away from him completely, you have known him for 6 weeks only, you did fine before he came into your life.

 

Dont meet with him, dont pick up calls, dont answer messages, nothing, just cut him off your life.

 

Anything else wont work. I am sorry.

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Well, you cant really choose what your feelings towards a person will be.

Obviously this person is not the perfect match for you, he has all the bad habbits PLUS 3 kids with 3 different wives... and he is seeing someone else on top of all those.

 

Stay away from him completely, you have known him for 6 weeks only, you did fine before he came into your life.

 

Dont meet with him, dont pick up calls, dont answer messages, nothing, just cut him off your life.

 

Anything else wont work. I am sorry.

 

He doesnt have 3 wives. He has 3 children with 3 women. But I understand what you're saying. He himself is single, so its ok that he's talking to someone.

 

As far as cutting him off like that, that may proove a little....different. As we work together and live in the same building.

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I'm not sure why you even want to be friends with someone with those types of character flaws and integrity issues. If you don't want to have sex again or have further involvement with him I'd stop being in contact. I don't think he's someone you can be in contact with if you're actually looking for a long term relationship because given his values he will not be supportive of your relationship with someone else and won't respect boundaries. Surely there are other people for you to be friends with who make better choices than he does?

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So Reynold is someone who acts a lot by impulse - low impulse control. That's pretty clear with his track record, his susceptibility to substances, and his walking right over all the lines when it comes to sexuality.

 

Personally, I'd find it difficult to be indifferent to someone like this if they were in my life at all. Because of the impulsiveness, any boundaries you attempt to set will be continually ignored. He'll continue to make suggestive remarks and moves to get you into bed again. He'll tell you things you don't need to know. He may even show up places and do pop ups on you.

 

In my experience (and it's hard won), the best way to deal with it is to withdraw with as little fanfare as possible. With as little information sharing and feeling sharing as you can muster. And when you think you can only muster holding back so much, hold back more.

 

You do have to give up on the concept of this person being a friend. What is a friend? Someone you can trust, at its base. Someone who respects you. Someone you can share with and there is support for each other.

 

It's just not realistic to expect that from Reynold. He's doing his own thing...and you can't stop that runaway train. You can only get out of the way.

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although you can't help who your heart falls for but you can make a choice to stop all contact with him. the first step to getting over someone is to start NC. after that, you have to change your mind set. convince yourself that this person is not right for you for so and so reason and picture your whole life with him. will you be able to deal with his baggage and impulsiveness? then believe that there is someone better out there that you deserve. with time and the right mind set, you will get pass those feelings for him.

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I'm not sure why you even want to be friends with someone with those types of character flaws and integrity issues. If you don't want to have sex again or have further involvement with him I'd stop being in contact. I don't think he's someone you can be in contact with if you're actually looking for a long term relationship because given his values he will not be supportive of your relationship with someone else and won't respect boundaries. Surely there are other people for you to be friends with who make better choices than he does?

 

We became friends initially (and ironically) through having spiritual conversations. He said he was drawn to me because of that, because his other friends are wilder and don't talk about the nonphysical at all. So that interested him. It's because of this also, that some part of me struggles with letting him go. I see so much potential for him to do good things, if he decides to work on his inner demons. But, I know it's not my place to change anyone. It has to be his personal decision.

 

I know he doesnt respect rules. He makes up his own as he goes along, but he makes it work for him. I should've seen that as a sign, as his view of boundaries also. But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

 

Sadly, I feel you're right. If he respected boundaries I'd want to keep him as a friend. But then again, if he respected boundaries, we wouldn't be in this in the first place.

 

As far as respecting a relationship, it's odd with him. When he came by to "let me have it" as he put it, he actually told me that he was "forfeiting the game since another guy took his girl." I'm unsure if he meant that or was just saying that for theatrics. In either case, whether he'd back off or would do random drop-bys, I dont know. He told me he's not the type to get jealous. But I've seen it from him, that time. You're probably right.

 

There are other people, one of them I've found: Kevin. Kevin's closer to me in personality and seems more respectful of boundaries. We're growing close.

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Such wise words here. You're so right.

 

It breaks my heart that we can't be friends. I at least want to trust him. I can't. I feel like if I've caught him in a lie--twice, possibly three times--then how much more?

 

The other day I was hanging out with Kevin, and I realize that he's such a positive person. And he's trying to help me become more positive as well. And when I left him, and went back home, my mind traveled back to Reynold and I realized that I have NOT become more positive being with Reynold. It has become more un-positive:

 

-I feel insecure around him

-I feel like I'm waiting for him to do the right thing, which is something he'll only do if it falls into what he wants

-I feel unsure around him, because he doesnt respect my personal boundaries

 

THESE are not good attributes for a boyfriend. OR a friend.

It's a bitter pill for me to swallow. I'm new here with few friends. I thought I found one. Maybe it was tempoary just for this lesson to learn. It aches my heart that this can't be resolved. But I know in order to resolve it, he'd have to fix his own internal issues,....which will probably take YEARS to fix---whenever, if ever he decides to do so.

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although you can't help who your heart falls for but you can make a choice to stop all contact with him. the first step to getting over someone is to start NC. after that, you have to change your mind set. convince yourself that this person is not right for you for so and so reason and picture your whole life with him. will you be able to deal with his baggage and impulsiveness? then believe that there is someone better out there that you deserve. with time and the right mind set, you will get pass those feelings for him.

 

Wow. I never thought of it in terms of NC. I thought NC was for break ups. Me and this guy arent even in a relationship. We're just in an awkward goo of friendship and STUFF...

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OK, I don't have to read the rest of this... he's a liar, womanizer, problem drinker/smoker, and has children sprinkled around the landscape with different women like old abandoned shoes... Really, why on earth are you considering this man as romantic potential?

 

As my mother would say, you need your head examined if you take up with this guy. The best you can hope for here is that you'll be Baby Mama #4 and nothing more than a speed bump as he careens irresponsibly thru life and on to the next woman.

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It seems like things have fallen apart to fall together. He just called me to let off some steam on the phone. He said that my overly quiet nature bothers him, and that "he cannot do affection without sex; therefore we'll have to be just friends."

 

This was what I was saying from the beginning, but I guess it takes time to absorb? Anyway, he sounds sincere--truly sincere--this may be a fresh start.

 

Does it usually pan well in cases like this?

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It seems like things have fallen apart to fall together. He just called me to let off some steam on the phone. He said that my overly quiet nature bothers him, and that "he cannot do affection without sex; therefore we'll have to be just friends."

 

This was what I was saying from the beginning, but I guess it takes time to absorb? Anyway, he sounds sincere--truly sincere--this may be a fresh start.

 

Does it usually pan well in cases like this?

 

No. Especially since he's told you, unsolicited, about what he doesn't like about you and he's told you that he's one-track/all or nothing when it comes to being affectionate - so that way if you choose to be affectionate with him and choose then to let it continue to sex he can remind you of what he told you just in case you get attached again. I don't think of this in a generalized way -in this specific situation I don't think he is a candidate for being a good friend. I realize you see potential in him and how tempting it is to be the one to save him -but I wouldn't waste my time. He's been quite direct with you about your so-called "flaws" and who he is - it's not a pretty picture.

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Wow. I never thought of it in terms of NC. I thought NC was for break ups. Me and this guy arent even in a relationship. We're just in an awkward goo of friendship and STUFF...

 

NC will help you move on whether you guys were or were not in a relationship. it is basically meant for letting go of the feelings you have for him overtime. some people just use it as a strategy to get back with their ex. however, if you want things to go back to how they were, then you either need to stop all contact with him so that you can weaken those feelings or simply pretend that nothing happened and continue as friends. obviously, if you're the one with those feelings then you can't act like nothing happened. though, you can always revisit the friendship when your know for sure that you no longer like him romantically.

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NC will help you move on whether you guys were or were not in a relationship. it is basically meant for letting go of the feelings you have for him overtime. some people just use it as a strategy to get back with their ex. however, if you want things to go back to how they were, then you either need to stop all contact with him so that you can weaken those feelings or simply pretend that nothing happened and continue as friends. obviously, if you're the one with those feelings then you can't act like nothing happened. though, you can always revisit the friendship when your know for sure that you no longer like him romantically.

 

 

I see now.

"Revisit the friendship when I know for sure?" It'd seem odd wouldnt it? We usually talk in some way everyday, since we work together and live in the same building. Since our phone conversation, I do feel he's trying to start things off on the right leg ...and legitly stay that way. How sincere he is, time will tell. As for me though, wouldnt I look cold-hearted to suddenly disappear when he seems onboard with being platonic this time?

 

I dont know...when I reason it out in my head I think, 'Why would he want to talk to me if I disappear on him, and come back later on like nothing happened?'

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No. Especially since he's told you, unsolicited, about what he doesn't like about you and he's told you that he's one-track/all or nothing when it comes to being affectionate - so that way if you choose to be affectionate with him and choose then to let it continue to sex he can remind you of what he told you just in case you get attached again. I don't think of this in a generalized way -in this specific situation I don't think he is a candidate for being a good friend. I realize you see potential in him and how tempting it is to be the one to save him -but I wouldn't waste my time. He's been quite direct with you about your so-called "flaws" and who he is - it's not a pretty picture.

 

 

I don't mean to be blind...but sometimes people (me) need to hear things rephrased before they get it.

 

What does him telling me what he doesnt like about me, mean anything about this ending well? I've told HIM what I dont like in his personality---that he says that he likes to chase women and that he's a liar. I dont get how saying how you feel plays into this? Or what does that have to do with not being a good friend? I've seen people say similar things about my extreme introversion, so it's not just him.

 

Also, so you're saying that he's basically saying that whole "I need sex and affection" thing as a DISCLAIMER for me?

 

Again, please forgive my obliviousness; Im just trying to understand.

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Be honest Rita - do you want only friendship with him or are you hoping for a relationship?

 

Why do you ask?

 

I have romantic feelings, yes, but honestly I just want to be friends at this point. It'd be foolish to be in a relationship with him, as he's already told me that he has women problems, is prone to chasing multiple women, and I've already caught him in more than one lie regarding women. So, I already know I can't trust him. Plus, he has 3 kids by 3 different women. What does THAT say? Low impulse control, and a lack of learning from the past. No thank you.

 

To be honest, I'm still double thinking about keeping him around in that way too. I'm thinking about cutting him off.

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Why do you ask?

 

I have romantic feelings, yes, but honestly I just want to be friends at this point. It'd be foolish to be in a relationship with him, as he's already told me that he has women problems, is prone to chasing multiple women, and I've already caught him in more than one lie regarding women. So, I already know I can't trust him. Plus, he has 3 kids by 3 different women. What does THAT say? Low impulse control, and a lack of learning from the past. No thank you.

 

To be honest, I'm still double thinking about keeping him around in that way too. I'm thinking about cutting him off.

 

I guess it depends how you define friendship. I respect my friends. Doesn't sound like you have much respect for this guy.

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If you wanted to be "just friends" it really wouldn't require this much thought. You'd be his friend. Instead, you keep listing again all of the red flags (lies, disrespecting boundaries, drinking, smoking, you've had SEX-hard to ignore that one, he's an admitted womanizer, he pursues multiple women at a time-HELLO!?, etc. etc.) These are qualities you look for in a friend?? How many other friends do you have that share these qualities?

You come up with every single excuse imaginable to keep talking to him- you work together, you talk every day, you think he's being honest, you think you can save him, you think he'd be cool if he changed into someone he's not.....

You are NOT being honest with yourself. You want him to change who he is and break his lifelong pattern of his history with women and be your boyfriend.

If you met a great guy who you saw a future with like Kevin, you'd be RUNNING from this guy as to not ruin your potential. No great guy will tolerate that you're 'friends' with a d-bag you SLEPT WITH. So you're choosing between wasting your time on Reynold or choosing to pursue a much better match for yourself (YOUR words, not mine).

Yes, Batya is right.....he's setting you up (which he sounds accustomed to) with the "I can't have affection without sex"...he will throw that in your face when convenient as he *continues* to lie/mislead you, pursue other women which he's prone to do and do all the other things he does. How old are you? At your age, how many other guys do you know that have 3 different kids with 3 different women? Is he paying child support to these 3 different kids? Does he see them/spend time with them/take them places?

He sounds of extremely poor character and judgement and a low quality "friend" and absolutely NO potential for a boyfriend.

With a LOT of compassion and HUGS, I'm telling you ---you need to get your head checked.

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I dont. Because he's lied to me, more than once. So, I doubt the things he says now.

 

Then this is even more confusing. Perhaps if you can define what you mean by "friend" because from what you write I don't see anything resembling a desire for friendship with this person.

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Thank you. You have very good points.

 

At my age, I only know of 1 guy in particular who has multitudes of children with multiple women, but the guy is in his 50's. Reynold is 30. Reynold's told me he is paying child support to each of them. He's unable to spend much time with them now because we're both stationed overseas.

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I just wouldn't even bother being friends with someone who I didn't trust or have much respect for. ESPECIALLY if it would interfere with my relationships with other men....and it will. Trust me when I tell you no self-respecting man is going to tolerate you being "friends" with a jerk who's trying to sleep with you and every other woman in town.

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This is a prime example of someone who has seen the red flags yet still ignores them. You do yourself no favours by keeping this man in your life in ANY capacity. You are day and he is night. You are chaste and he is promiscuous. You diss him and his past yet you wonder how you can keep him in your life without having romantic notions for him. He drinks and smokes and you don't like doing either. What in heavens name are you trying to do to yourself?

 

Yep ignoring a red flag and putting your own emotional health in jeapardy for someone that has NOTHING in common with you that you'd have a hard time trusting. What is wrong with this picture?

 

I dont. Because he's lied to me, more than once. So, I doubt the things he says now.
Yet you still try to fit him into your life? This is codependent thinking at its finest. Look out for yourself and know that any man that you actually find that is good and reliable will not take kindly to you having a friend like him in your life.
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