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We're after different things


SanSerif

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I had been in a relationship with a girl for almost a year, ending in November.

 

We had had disagreements and I'd split with her almost half a dozen times in that span. I didn't just knee-jerk cut her out of my life at those times; it was what I'd call an honest appraisal of her behavior and an appropriate reaction. She didn't wave knives at me or anything - just some attitude problems and freakouts which were terrifying red flags to me.

 

It's a good mark of a healthy person to keep to their word when ending things with someone. I wasn't holding anything hostage by doing what I did; I think in an unknowing way it was me setting my boundaries or standards for treatment. We'd reconcile of course, and you've probably heard this story.

 

Anyways, I had a pretty strong epiphany late November. I realized the two of us were looking for different things. She made a comment via text to me, when things to be progressing as well as they had ever between us. She was out at the bar and asked if I could pick her up. I had just taken my shoes off after a long day of work and sat down to a sandwich I'd made. I informed her I could come later and mentioned what I was doing.

 

She said, "Same Old story with you. I'm never gonna be important".

 

I guess that's it. The reason I'm posting this time around is because I miss her. I miss being close to her, asking her about her day; making plans to meet up and do things with her. I miss all the wonderful things you learn to love about a person you really care about. I just couldn't do it any more with her accusations, guilt-trips, and adolescent behavior.

 

A friend remarked that she probably thought we'd get married in a few years and have some kids. He remarked that perhaps when she saw how slowly that dream seemed to be coming to fruition, she felt anxiety and lashed out in the only way which might procure a definitive predictor of the future.

 

Your thoughts?

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Im yet to break up with my bf because of this same reason. Ive done nothing wrong, hes done nothing wrong......we just want different things. I can understand your ex gf's behaviour. When i started noticing/feeling that my bf didnt want the same thing as me (i didnt know he didnt at this point) cause i had expectations (he calls it) the anxiety hit me big time. I became someone i hate, weak, nagging and needy. Ive been in other relationships, the last one 7 yrs, and was never like this. Ive now learnt that the right relationship will bring out the best in you and when a relationship doesnt work out, doesnt mean its anyones fault......just didnt work.

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i can relate to ur situation.

i m doing same with my current boyfriend. i tell him how work is more important to him than i. he gets frustrated at me and tells me i m not understanding of his stuff.

 

deep down, its about valuing each other. this girl did not feel u valued her thats why her mind goes to such things... u probably feel she is immature and wants attention... all that jazz.

if u really miss her, want to get back together and dont want this to be a problem then i would think back... was she always this way with u? if ya, then its a red flag.. if not, then think about at what point she started being this way and what could u do to make her feel u value her... i bet just saying what u said here on missing her, asking about her day... should do tge trick

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It's very difficult to get a feel for the relationship conflict as a whole, with only one issue to look at. The theme of what you write is that it's mostly her fault for the relationship failing, and then yet, you are stubborn and unwilling to get her from a bar, when she calls you for a ride.

 

Everyone's expectations are different when it comes to relationships. However, when it comes to mine, one of the things I do is to give support, security, stability, as well as love and affection. The red flag I see here is in the support category....your refusing to go get her because you've kicked up your feet for the night. If that was my girlfriend, I would put my shoes on, get my coat, and go get her and bring her home, and then go back to your relaxing. It's not like she interrupted you while you were in the middle of some other important job. So yes, she's at the bottom of your priority list and I'm understanding about why she would feel that way.

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I agree it is difficult to get a feel for the relationship in general for several reasons. One, because you are presenting one issue. Two, because you are laying behavioral blame at her feet.

 

I cannot say much but I can say it was wrong of you to break up with her half a dozen times. No matter how you perceived her behavior you should own your own. If you end it someone twice ... do not go back. It is not working.

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