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TheKittyKat

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Sorry guys this is kind of like an essay length but there's just tons of factors I feel like I need to add.

 

My long distance boyfriend has a very close female friend and it's causing negativity in our relationship. He had been after this girl while we were still just good friends and I wasn’t exactly supportive because of my feelings and the things he’s told me. She proved to be a horrible kind of girl. He’d take her to dinner paying; doing the gentlemen thing only for her to make out with her ex and a random dude at some festival then say, “I didn’t think it was going to work out between us anyway.” And also tried to get him to buy strong liquor for her and her ex for the same festival. (Yes she’s underage). Despite that, and the pain it caused, he kept her around due to his loneliness and feeling she wasn’t a completely bad person. That would be fine and dandy if they weren’t so close.

To add, his best and only friend has little to no time to spend with him. And I’m not sure if it matters but his friend dislikes her as well and has made it clear.

 

He has always been a flirty kind of man and it never really bothered me before; until this horribly obvious girl kept repetitively coming back into his life. She is clingy, needy, demands constant attention. If he doesn't answer Skype or online messages she will constantly ring up his phone. He has already gotten into an argument with her after she threatened to kill herself when he "denied" being with her in a relationship (while he was with me may I add). On that note she has tons of baggage and “problems.” Not the type of girl someone would normally want to date let alone be friends with.

 

But he has a strange sort of boundaries it seems. He won’t kiss other girls of course. But he always feels the need to cuddle someone. He’s naturally a cuddly person. And I’m naturally a jealous person so obviously it has caused some conflict. I’ve had constant talks about it with him and he says it’s always been who he is and he does have his own boundaries and he won't go beyond them.

 

But she’s extremely flirty and manipulative with him and he doesn’t even seem to realize it. I’ve tried to explain this to him (note I see basically all their chats etc) but he feels like he can handle it on his own. However I feel conflicted about that because he has tried to hide the fact he was still talking to her (knowing I don’t like her) and lied about meeting her at a train station when she was on her way home alone. He said it was an emergency but she’s old enough that her parents allow this behavior of her going out to party on her own. Obviously he came clean about this later saying he was afraid I'd be disappointed and well overall leave.But he did tell her off when she tried to make something more of their relationship and stopped talking to her for a month because of it. So I feel like he does respect his own boundaries of the situation.

 

We’ve had constant talks about her though. Because she’ll do things like... for example. She messaged him linking 2 models in different underwear and ask what would look best on her. He figures its just clothes anyway. But to me and every other female friend of mine I’ve asked it was deemed obviously flirting. He assured me if it was something personal like photos of her or something like that, that he’d tell her off. But this is obvious flirting by her; he kind of brushes it aside anyway. Which has been his kind of reaction to these things. But the fact he does have SOME feelings for her, which he has admitted to me. And she obviously has some attraction (I say this lightly since she has got around previously) it makes me nervous. He told me specifically he has feelings and doesn’t want to feel anything for her, however it doesn’t change the fact that he does. Which I believe that since she has been a constant disappointment when he did try being with her romantically.

 

I guess I’m at a loss of how to handle the situation because he has told her off, but doesn’t exactly push her away much because of his own loneliness. Another female friend of his (who I’ve recently gotten extremely close to) has also tried to explain he is way too cuddly and could possibly give the wrong ideas to this girl. He doesn’t seem to agree. Says if she did, he’d handle it. Which at this point, I do believe. But he’s also proved he’s too afraid of being alone to push her away even if she does something extremely terrible.

 

On that note there have been times where he has gotten so into their conversations that he’s left me hanging for an hour or something. I know he does have trouble focusing because of his condition and he’s tried to explain that to me as well. So he likes to take things one at a time, but I feel like sometimes he gets so into the conversations with her that he forgets I’m here.

 

I feel like it’s also time to add the other possible factor that has me at a loss. He has a form of autism; aspergers. And I can’t exactly talk too much about it with him. A friend of mine has tried and he gets quite defensive over it. Almost like he’s embarrassed or scared people will treat him differently. However it is severe enough that he needs people to come check on him during the month to make sure he’s alright. Like some sort of health care person. (I try not to ask too much about it). I did try to do research and I guess there are those who struggle with boundaries and can be more gullible to manipulation. (I’m only going by what I’ve read and I’ve shown the pages to my friends who also know him and they do agree it describes him quite well. This wasn’t meant to offend anyone I’m honestly just trying to understand more about it and any help and advice with that would be much appreciated).

 

I guess there are not many options at this point. He is a very kind person and we do spend time together almost everyday for long periods of time despite her interruptions. I’m just not sure what way I should handle this because I honestly don’t want to hurt him knowing he is attempting to set boundaries with her when she does try to make something more of his gestures than what it is. However knowing the pain she’s caused to herself and him with her addictions (cutting, drugs, alcohol) it’s hard not to worry; believe me her list also goes on. Especially when she is obviously being inappropriate and he doesn’t seem to get that or care and shrugs it off.

 

 

An update of what I’ve been doing recently as in past few days: I’ve tried to keep myself busy most of the day (with family, it is the holidays after all so he doesn’t say anything about it) and log on at night. And he seems more excited to talk to me and talks to her less. Maybe he just needs some distance at this point and time to miss me; I’m not sure.

 

 

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for advice on how I should handle this or just a friendly ear in general at this point.

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I don't understand why women do what you are doing. You are placing the blame on the wrong person. Your boyfriend is at fault.

 

Your boyfriend has feelings for a woman who flirts with him, he cuddles with other women, he does not follow through with setting up boundaries with her and he has prioritized talking to her over you.

 

This is unacceptable in a relationship and I would walk instead of making excuses for him.

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you dont need to explain this to him. tell him u r not comfortable with his relationship with her. he should act on that. i think ur boyfriend does love u but he "cares" for this other girl. he cant let go of it. u can also tell him, talk to the other girl that she needs to understand his relationship with u and leave them alone. if she cares for him, she should understand. if she doesnt, he should be smart and see her true colors!

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As already stated, you are making all kinds of excuses for this situation when the simple truth is that he is still very much into her and not willing to let go. You are sloppy seconds and settling for that. He is not stupid, he knows very well what boundaries are appropriate and which ones are not. He is choosing to do what he is doing and you are choosing to make excuses for him. I really will never understand why people get involved and desperately cling to situations like that. In a healthy relationship you will never have all these problems and confusion.

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