Jump to content

I feel bad for wanting attention like in the beginning of my relationship.


Recommended Posts

I feel bad for wanting attention period. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He's nineteen, I'm eighteen. We spend a quite a lot of time together. I was in the hospital for four months this summer in a different town and he called every night and drove an hour to see me every couple of weeks. I'm about to start college and have moved out of my parents' house, he is living with his dad until he finds a job (He's put in over thirty applications--dang job market is tough right now).


He comes from a very emotionally charged household. He tends to retreat into a mental "bomb shelter" when personal emotions are brought up. I am quite the emotional person. I wouldn't say I get explosive at all--I just cry, and not very hard. We've worked past my emotions pretty well, but I'm still nervous about sharing them. He said that I tend to think of them as issues, and they're not. I just need to remember that.


Well anyway, one of these feelings I've been feeling lately is a desire to be closer. A desire for him to miss me and be excited to see me and do things together and things like that. I know that men tend to go into caves when they get stressed, and are best supported during this time by space. I know he has major stress in his life. I want to give him space. I am comfortable with this! I like being on my own. We have however discussed living together in the past--how would I give him space if we ended up in the same apartment?


There has definitely been a change in him since the beginning of the relationship. I know it is normal, because we are used to each other. Yet it bothers me. He doesn't expresse affection or love much anymore, as compared to the beginning where I feared he loved me too much. Now I feel like it has reversed...


I feel like we've just gotten used to each other and there is much less "I am so happy to see you/be with you/you make me happy/I love you" being expressed. I feel like I have been initiating most of our time together and verbal/nonverbal affection.

Much less romanticism, I guess. I feel really really bad for feeling this way. I wonder if it is a perception issue on my part. In many ways I feel like the only issues we've ever had has sprung from my confusion and slow learning.


I also know that women tend to go through waves of emotions, and when those bottom out it is helpful to have their partner there supporting them--not trying to fix the issue, but simply being loving and present (for me there usually is no issue to begin with, just hormones and stress).

He doesn't feel like he can help me when I cry, and he's said it makes him tense up. I tell him I don't want my problem to be fixed because there is no problem, that I just want support and hugs--but it confuses him. But he tells me it's okay to cry, and I know it.

He also tenses up when we talk about our relationship, because that usually gets me emotional. I want to be able to communicate about these few issues I'm talking about, because those are the only issues we have. I am in a dream relationship, really.


He also doesn't feel the need to say "I love you" because we both know we love each other and we shouldn't need reaffirmation. His mother has bothered him in the past by saying "I love you" very very often with the expectation of hearing it back to battle her lack of self-love. I know they are just words, but I kind of want to hear it more often, selfishly. Like whenever we say goodbye or good morning or something, very small gesture that maybe means far too much to me. I don't know why I feel this way, and I wish I didn't. I can't tell you how many times I've resolved to be a simpler person with simple emotions...


I want to be as supportive and loving and understanding as possible. He deserves the best in the world (and I can't be that, but I can try)



So, in short:


Why do I desire things to be like they were in the beginning?

Are my feelings out of place?

Is my desire for caring/romantic attention a need, and if so how do I go about getting it met?

How would I talk to him about any of this without making him tense and uncomfortable?

How selfish am I for thinking about all of this?

How do I deal with not hearing "I love you" very much or receiving the attention that was there in the beginning?

Why do I feel like he doesn't want to see me as much as I want to see him, and why do I wish that he woudl be excited about me and our relationship?



I don't want to be another crazy, emotional, annoying woman in his life. I want to be loving and simple and gentle and a safe place, someone to listen to him and love him. I want us to care for each other, without tension.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

When reading your post I get a strong impression of someone who is very young and very insecure, possible low self esteem etc and someone who seems to need someone in her life to make her happy and so on. It is never a good thing to have to rely on someone else for your own happiness. Not sure how you can solve this other than perhaps considering counseling/therapy to help you figure out where all this (insecurity) is coming from.


I could of course be way off base, but that's just the impression I got from your post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In ways, I can understand you.. but if you're so emotional.. why dont you look into some counselling with how to 'manage' this and not affect your relationship?

Could be that you're just a little too 'clingly'.. you think? Then this is your issue & need to deal with it. Especially if he hasn't really shown he's totally dis-interested in you...

Yes, after the 'honeymoon phase', things often go back to the 'real world', where reality sets in.


If there is tension then yes.. there could be problems. Even if in a relationship, each one should still have a life outside the relationship. You should both have 'your own time', alone or with buddies or family. You've got that right and it is suggested.


Think about these things and idea's. Especially if you want to make it right.


gd luck

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Capricorn3: I certainly hope that is not what I've been doing!

I have actually been and currently am in therapy. We both have depression, and take medications for it.

I consider myself quite an independent person, as much as I can be given the circumstances. I am very happy with my life! I just wish to communicate with my boyfriend better, and be more romantic together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...