30 and still not penetrated a woman - complete failure

[todd142]

I haven't been on here for a long time but a familiar problem has been on my mind again.

 

I'm 30 now and although I've had relationships in the past with women, I'm still yet to successfully penetrate a woman. I've done other stuff like mutual masturbation, received handjobs, frottage (naked rubbing) but I have never gone all the way. This has caused me much distress and trauma. Without boring you with all the details my main concern right now is that I've noticed for a long time I cannot stay hard WITHOUT touching my penis for stimulation. In other words, I have to constantly touch my penis in order to stay excited and reasonably hard. Now this is all in reference to masturbation. I have not been with a woman in a physical sense since my last gf, the relationship which ended back earlier last year (it was horrific, she was a horrible person and treated me like utter crap, cheating on me and disrespecting me in so many ways and without getting into the details here I'm sure it is one reason why I failed to penetrate the few times we did try and have sex).

 

So, when I masturbate daily to porn (nearly always softcore only), I notice in order for me to stay reasonably hard I need to keep touching it whilst looking at some stimulating video/pictures. The moment I let go of my penis, it starts getting soft rather quickly. Why is this? I'm worried because I know this should not be happening, right? Should you need CONSTANT stimulation to stay hard? Surely a man like myself (I don't drink, smoke, take drugs, I'm in decent shape, no health issues) should be able to maintain an erection? I realise daily masturbation may not be helping but this is a habit I've had for many years now and so it's hard to suddenly stop. Earlier last month I did infact stop for 8 days (no masturbation and no porn), I noticed very little difference at all but maybe that's not long enough to really change things up.

 

The larger issue in all of this is being a technical virgin at my age has really affected my self esteem now. Even though I am a decent looking guy who is outgoing and friendly, I know this issue simply does not go away. I am constantly plagued by the thought that I still have not penetrated a woman. This leaves me feeling extremely depressed to the point where I wish I was never born. The few times I did try, I failed. I feel like this has to be greatest failure of a man. There is surely nothing worse than failing to even get it inside.

[annie24]

Hi - I think that it would be worth talking to your doctor about this. There are pills now for ED, and I suspect they may help you for you. Good luck

[shelty24]

I suggest giving up porn and see a doctor. Get your testosterone levels checked and then see a therapist for anxiety.

[shelty24]

And stop feeling like a failure. Your not

[todd142]

And stop feeling like a failure. Your not

 

I should have mentioned that I do notice getting erections without touching myself for example when I'm thinking of something in the past that turns me on. Also I do get morning erections (not everyday but def have got them recently). So I don't know. However what bothers me is maintaining them. How are erections maintained? Do you need constant stimulation the entire time? Once you stop thinking sexual thoughts or seeing something that turns you on would your erection subside as a result? E.g say you're about to get it on with your partner and you're hard and ready to go but then she leaves the room to get some condoms...how would you remain hard in that situation? Should it be normal that you would remain hard without having to see or think about anything sexual?

 

I did go and see the doctor about this back in bloody April and they said they'll refer me to a specialist to which I insisted...never heard back. But that's typical, they don't give a crap about these sorts of issues. So I will go back on Monday and try again.

[Billy Boy]

The easiest solution to this is to take Viagra or Cialis. Be sure to ask the doctor for 100 mg pills instead of 50 mg as they cost the same. What I do is break the Viagra in half and it will last me 24 hours. Cialis is good for three days for me. My doctor gave me samples to try so ask yours. I like it and the girls love it!

 

Another possible solution is to use a ring. Once the penis is hard, you slip on the ring at the base of the penis and it traps the blood and maintains an erection.

[tmtex]

The easiest solution to this is to take Viagra or Cialis. Be sure to ask the doctor for 100 mg pills instead of 50 mg as they cost the same. What I do is break the Viagra in half and it will last me 24 hours. Cialis is good for three days for me. My doctor gave me samples to try so ask yours. I like it and the girls love it!

 

Another possible solution is to use a ring. Once the penis is hard, you slip on the ring at the base of the penis and it traps the blood and maintains an erection.

 

I got the 5MG of Cialis for a trial run. I couldn't image 100MG. Stuff works great and then some but very very expensive

[SuperDuper]

Hi John, I strongly believe that at your age you do NOT need viagra/cialis or some form of medication. My initial gut reaction to what you said is that this issue of maintaining an erection is largely due to the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeing yourself as a sexual failure and your body therefore following suit. Mind and body are very connected and I think anxiety can be very inhibiting to maintaining an erection.

 

The fact you wake up with an erection to me shows that this is not a physiological problem, but rather a psychological one. There are plenty of options to increase your ability to stay hard. Frequent exercise will increase testosterone in your system and also release happiness-inducing chemical which can help curb your self-defeating thought patterns.

 

Beyond this, stop masturbating so much, and stop looking at porn so much. You don't have to go cold turkey, but a gradual decrease in frequency will very likely yield positive effects physically and mentally (you'll likely feel hornier). When I have sex with my girlfriend and she leaves the room, if I don't touch my penis for 5 minutes or so my erection will slowly go away, so just basic stimulation is enough to maintain hardness. Watching porn too often can also create connections in your brain which makes you associate erection with (2D) images, and this could be detrimental long-term.

 

Perhaps you're too rough/tight gripped when you masturbate, plus your body is highly attuned to the tugging sensation which can be quite different from a wet vagina, especially if you don't use lube.

 

In short, decrease masturbation/porn, increase healthy diet and exercise, and work HARD on developing a healthier attitude toward yourself. You're only 30 and have plenty of time to get in the game, stop comparing yourself to others as this isn't helping you at all. Meditation can help (books like Eckhart Tolle can help), and perhaps speak to somebody about your anxiety/lack of self-esteem.

 

Your ex sounds like a cruel person, don't let your past dictate your future, it doesn't define who you are. I wish you all the best.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Also I do get morning erections (not everyday but def have got them recently).

If you're not getting a morning erection every day at your age based on your lifestyle, there may (and I emphasize may) be a physiological problem, so you're right to get it checked with a doctor.

 

I also agree that your self-defeating thoughts are part of the problem. You may want to pay close attention to what you're thinking when you masturbate a few times and see if there's anything there that is negative self-talk. I also suspect that you've gotten used to masturbating the same way every time and maybe switching it up would help you. If you can get an erection thinking about something that turned you on, maybe you should try seeing if you can get yourself off without touching yourself, as an exercise. Or figuring out other ways/things to masturbate to/with.

 

I also think that you need to put what your ex said out of your mind and look for someone new to date. She was one person. I'm sure there's someone out there who will be right for you.

[KORG]

If you're not getting a morning erection every day at your age based on your lifestyle, there may (and I emphasize may) be a physiological problem, so you're right to get it checked with a doctor.

 

It's not as if all guys get morning wood 100% the time; OP confirms several recent AM erections, so this doesn't seem out of the ordinary to me. Getting hormone levels checked couldn't hurt, but I would suspect his testosterone levels are probably not grossly abnormal given his capacity for morning erections + arousal when thinking sexual thoughts. A variety of medications can also decrease arousal, so if OP is on any meds then it would be good to discuss this with a physician too. OP indicates he considers himself to be generally in decent shape, but otherwise healthy people certainly can have a variety of pre-existing health issues that might not show obvious symptoms, so a regular physical check up couldn't hurt if one hasn't been done recently. However, I agree with SuperDuper that this might be more likely due to psychological rather than physiological factors, so I'd be reluctant to suggest there is significant erectile dysfunction at play here.

 

I also agree that your self-defeating thoughts are part of the problem.

 

I agree with this, and with all of SuperDuper's suggestions. My suggestions are also less porn, less masturbation, less anxiety, healthy lifestyle with vigorous exercise, good balanced diet, good sleep habits, etc. I sense a significant amount of self-loathing, performance anxiety, and depression from the OP, all of which can reduce arousal.

 

When I have sex with my girlfriend and she leaves the room, if I don't touch my penis for 5 minutes or so my erection will slowly go away, so just basic stimulation is enough to maintain hardness. Watching porn too often can also create connections in your brain which makes you associate erection with (2D) images, and this could be detrimental long-term.

 

Good advice here again. The penis does not have a simple on/off switch; erections occur in response to arousing stimuli and arousal is complex, multi-factorial, and sometimes unpredictable. In general, however, erections are supposed to dissipate after arousing stimuli are withdrawn. How fast they dissipate varies between individuals, and this could be influenced by the level of initial excitement, anxiety/stress/distraction/depression, alcohol, hormone levels, age, etc. OP, if you're with a woman and the erection begins to fade, try to engage in whatever turns you on to get hard again (more kissing, touching, dirty talk, BJ: whatever gets your motor running). If you're used to associating arousal with porn and associating anxiety with women, this would make it hard to relax and stay aroused with a woman. Porn can ultimately be pretty desensitizing, so try to take a serious break from porn and masturbation while dating and instead focus on being turned on by the woman you're with. Let your mind and body become more accustomed to the stimuli you get from being with a woman without porn as a distraction, and learn to become more relaxed and comfortable from the reality of sex vs. the fantasy of porn.

 

OP, I suspect there's nothing seriously wrong with you physically and that you don't have any physiological erectile dysfunction, but if you wanted to try a low dose of Viagra or Cialis for an extra confidence booster, that might not be unreasonable if it helps you as you work through your nervousness or anxiety. Good luck!

[tmtex]

OP, I suspect there's nothing seriously wrong with you physically and that you don't have any physiological erectile dysfunction, but if you wanted to try a low dose of Viagra or Cialis for an extra confidence booster, that might not be unreasonable if it helps you as you work through your nervousness or anxiety. Good luck!

 

This is what I mean. I have normal T levels but the Doc gave me a "Trial" 30 day Cialis prescription for free, just to try.( I am 45) It was good. 5MG. It would make you like a steal rod !! and wouldnt go down after enjoyment unless your really done and moved on. If you just thought of anything sexual at random during the day, the steal pipe would arise and even at times when your not thinking of it LOL.

Bad thing it would of been 182.00 for a 30 day supply from a local grocery store. To me 200.00 isn't worth it.

[agatha]

using medicine when you have nothing really wrong has side effects, you know?

 

either way, I'd give it a good shot at trying to rewire your brain as in changing the kind of stimuli you need to get off. the sensation of being inside a vagina is pretty different from what you are used to, girls are waaay softer and wetter. you need to re-sensitize yourself - I did that with my current bf, he couldn't cum inside me for the life of him. one week of no-porn, no-masturbation, and no-cumming by any means besides sexual activity with the gf (me XD), and he came on the third day.

)

working on your self-confidence is essential as well, and having a therapist to help you would be great. either way, we're here to help too =)

[todd142]

Hello, thank you for all your replies.

Yes I am going to attempt to quit porn, however masturbation I'm finding rather difficult. Since I was 13/14 I would say I have masturbated on average every day for the last 15/16 years. I know the normal is 3-4 times a week. This is now the target I should aim for to begin with.

So the last few days I have been able to masturbate WITHOUT any direct visual stimulation, only through thoughts and visual images in my head from experiences in the past, fantasy etc. that's better than looking at porn at least right?

I was able to have a strong erection throughout but I have to constantly rub it myself whilst thinking of stimulating thoughts, however again once I let go then the erection subsides within seconds.

What is the death grip? I have never used any lotion or vaseline when masturbating, I have always used my dry hand.

[todd142]

ALSO I should also mention some other key factors - I've been brought up a Christian and have been wrapped up in standing firm to not having sex before marriage which naturally has caused me such agony and has left me in this constant dilemma for years...but that's a whole other story for another thread. I also suffer from depression and have been depressed I reckon nearly all my life. I have always had a low mood, am negative and generally hate life, and this issue obviously is part of the problem and vice versa if that all makes sense.

So yeah lots of issues...I wish there was an easy answer but I know there isn't it. I am trying to do what I can so far....

[KORG]

Hello, thank you for all your replies.

Yes I am going to attempt to quit porn, however masturbation I'm finding rather difficult. Since I was 13/14 I would say I have masturbated on average every day for the last 15/16 years. I know the normal is 3-4 times a week. This is now the target I should aim for to begin with.

 

OK, well you have a track record of 15 years of daily masturbation and 15 years of having sex with yourself rather than a partner. If you want to change your track record with women I think being willing to change your track record with daily masturbation is not an unreasonable compromise to make.

 

So the last few days I have been able to masturbate WITHOUT any direct visual stimulation, only through thoughts and visual images in my head from experiences in the past, fantasy etc. that's better than looking at porn at least right?

 

Yes, that will probably help you to become less dependent on porn visuals for your arousal and allow you to be more "in the moment" with a woman.

 

What is the death grip? I have never used any lotion or vaseline when masturbating, I have always used my dry hand.

 

Death grip is a tight or rough grip while masturbating that does not resemble the more gentle stimulation provided by a soft, warm, wet vagina during sex. I think Agatha's comments above are very relevant for you regarding re-sensitizing yourself. It's probably even worse if you masturbate without any lubricant, as the friction from a dry hand is even less similar to a vagina. I'd suggest you masturbate fewer times per week (without any porn) and try masturbating with a lubricant actually designed for sex that more closely resembles a woman's natural lubrication. Lotion and Vaseline are not remotely close to a natural feeling, so I'd avoid them entirely.