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Break turned Break Up. Why?


lilearth

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Ok, so this is a bit of a long story. But anyone who can give advice on this please do, I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Me and my ex partner were together for 4 years. Overall, we had a really good relationship. We were best friends as well as partners, and rarely got into arguments. When we did we would quickly apologise and make up, we could never stay angry at each other for long. We had a life together. His family is my family, and vise versa. He was even an Uncle to my nephew.

The last month we were together he began acting, I guess you could say 'distant' we weren't together as much and I'll admit, because I was so comfortable I wasn't putting in as much effort as I could have.

One day, he told me he wanted a break. Needed time to find himself. He said he 'loves me so much it's unbelievable' loves everything about me and didn't want to break up but needed time.

 

I gave him space. He said he would speak to me in a few days, and when he did, he said he still wants to be with me and loves me but needs more time to figure things out.

He said the break wasn't about wanting to be with anyone else, and that it wasn't because I'd done anything wrong. Another week went by and nothing, so I ended up leaving the relationship because I couldn't bare knowing that he was having doubts and needed to decide whether he wants to stay with me or not.

 

I wrote him a letter, just telling him how I feel about him, and that I respect his need for space and am happy to give him all the time he needs and that I hope one day we will be together again. I gave him the letter, and asked him to be honest with me if he's already closed the door to us because I can't be holding on to false hope. And he said he hasn't closed any doors, and hasn't opened any either. And that he really liked the letter.

 

Almost 3 months has passed. During that time he didn't wish me a happy birthday on my 21st, and when I asked him why he said he was confused. He had his own Birthday party, didn't invite me.

I wished him a Happy Birthday but I never got a reply.

I haven't heard anything from him at all.

 

I'm not the type of girl who chases after guy who I know isn't interested, and nobody has ever had a stronghold on me like this before.

He is the only 'boy' I have ever let into my life, my heart. The only one I've allowed myself to love.

 

Any advice on this situation would be wonderful, maybe will help me to understand.

 

If I was to give myself advice I'd say " s**t happens, all you can to is accept the things you can not change. And the things that hurt the most are what makes you the strongest"

 

But I feel, hollow. Lost. Broken. Like I need to constantly hold myself together in fear of falling apart.

 

 

 

INSIGHT PLEASE, what's going on with him?

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I can related some of your pain, I think you have handled very well with grace and class, sometime closure is not black and white, and for me he is saying, he doesn't want relationship w you/or anyone now, no one knows future, the best you can do move on.

 

how old are your guys?

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Thank you, I really appreciate your honesty and taking the time to read my story. I very much agree with you.

We're 21 now, so still very young I knWe'd been together since 16, so I always knew that if we broke up it would be a huge blow. I just wish I knew why he could suddenly let go when we were so close. But that's life I guess.

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you are young women, and you have whole life front of you, you do not need someone treat you this way, you both are growing, it is understandable that need space and time, you might meet up with him again , by that time, you will know if you want be with him or not, now living your life best you can, do not contact him and move on, you worth more than you know, cheer up!! xo

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People change a lot in those years, it's those years where you start trying to plan your life out, deciding what you might like in terms of family, travel and career. Sometimes you can get so focus on what "We" want you can forget what "I" want.

 

Use this time to focus on yourself, if it's meant to be it's meant to be. It sounds like you handling this very maturely, which is clearly something he's recognised.

 

To answer you threads title break often lead to break ups because something must be wrong for someone to want a break, it just gives them time to find the reason.

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Lilearth - welcome to ENA.

 

In my experience, when someone asks for a break it almost always is because they want to break up but do not want to come out with those harsh words. It might be because they are cowards and don't have the guts to come clean or they may honestly believe that letting you down slowly is the kindest and least cruel way to deal with things. It might even be using the second example to mask the first example and make them feel better about it.

 

 

In the cold light of day though, someone who is crazy about you and falls over themselves to be with you does not need a break from you - do they? They would make strides to build a life with you through thick and thin - wouldn't they?

 

When someone asks for a break, they are making strides to get away from you and that is the time to wake up and open your eyes - which it sounds like you are doing (and kudos to you!).

 

It is hard and it is tough, but the sooner you take on board what is really going on, the sooner you can take yourself away, hurt for a while (sometimes a long while) and then pick yourself up and look forward to the next guy who does scrabble about to be with you.

 

Good luck and look after YOURSELF right now. Know that you were ok before him and you sure as hell will be ok without him.

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Thanks guys for actually replying and giving me some different opinions. Clabs, I couldn't have said it better myself. I agree 100 % with what you're saying. The only thing I can't grasp, is why he is saying he still loves me / hasn't closed the door if he really doesn't want to be with me. This makes me feel like he's genuinely confused as to what he wants, which in normal circumstances for me, that's not good enough. But because it's him, I can't just let go.

Then on the other hand, his silence is showing that he doesn't want to talk to me.

So why not just say "It's over" and really mean it.

And the fact that it all came out of nowhere, when we have always resolved our issues and stuck together though everything. Literally a week before this all happened, we had a long conversation about how happy we were together, how lucky, and that we would never leave eachother. That's why I didn't see this coming at all.

When he initiated the break, he said I could do better. That he's been treating me like crap, and that I'm too good for him. Even though he wasn't treating me like crap, he was being distant and 2 nights before all this happened I admitted that I was sad, I cried, because I missed him and I knew he was being distant. He seemed devastated when he told me he wanted a break, and could hardly speak. We were both crying, and even said how much we love and are going to miss eachother.

It's honestly, so out of the blue and so extraordinarily confusing.

I want to just be myself again, move on and live my life. But I guess the only thing that will help is times helpful hand, and these different perspectives helping me to process my thoughts.

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I don't think he has closed the door because he wants the comfort of having you as a back up. It can be scary for him to go out into the world without knowing you are an emotional support to him.

 

My advice is to cut contact completely and focus on moving forward from the relationship. Let him feel what life is like without you.

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^^ I agree -- it sounds to me as well that he's been trying to keep you around as a backup plan.

 

Also, and this is just my opinion, but it sounds to me like he met someone else. "Space" and "time to find himself" and "just be alone right now" followed by a period of no contact often means there's a third party they'd rather you didn't know about. The final tip off? When he assures you he has no intention of dating anyone else..... yeah, right.

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Lilearth

 

It can seem as confusing as hell when someone feeds you these lines and it is very very hard when this seemingly came out of the blue. But don't let his apparently confused state confuse you. Whilst this may have come as a shock for you, he has likely been planning this in his head for some time. The trick is to forget his words for a minute and look at his actions. He is not walking towards you - he is walking away.

 

When this crappy stuff happens, we WANT answers. Unfortunately, nobody but him knows what is going through his head right now and he is unlikely to tell you what you need to hear. So, we have to take control and answer the questions as best we can with the information we have in front of us.

 

Why is he walking away? You guys have been together for a long time and from quite a young age and people do an awful lot of growing in their early years. I don't think he neccesarily has someone else lined up that he wants to date although that is of course a possibility that you need to prepare yourself for. If I were a betting man, my money would be on the fact that he has not had a chance to live it up a bit, party around etc. Perhaps he has seen the lifestyle of some of his single friends and doesn't want the responsiibility of a relationship. As I say though, that is pure speculation.

 

The best thing you can do right now is to turn around and start walking in the opposite direction. If he turns around he will need to run to catch you up, but he knows where he can find you, doesn't he? The trick though, as hard as it may seem right now is to try and accept that he wants out and the relationship is over. Keep looking at his actions and ignore those lame lines - that means keeping your eyes WIDE open.

 

 

Most of my exes have come back around at some stage or another. Unfortunately, they seem to know to do this only after you have gotten over them and by that time it is usually too late because you have met someone better or at least are too loved up in a new relationship to care what they want. Beats me how they know to pick their timing exactly. Look out the movie "Swingers" and you will know what I am on about.

 

Don't feel bad if you don't want him to send you any more confusing messages. If they do your head in (which they likely will) then there is nothing wrong with telling him politely to leave you alone. You have to look after the most important person in your life right now which is YOU.

 

Come on here if you feel like screaming and shouting if you think your friends are sick of hearing about it and try to keep yourself really busy with other things. There were likely things you couldn't do when you were together. Go and do them!

 

Sounds to me like you are actually handling this very well indeed so well done you - feel proud of yourself that you have some pride and dignity.

 

Good luck hun - look after yourself and do keep us updated with how you are doing.

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