Letting go + having fun again!

[dutch]

Three months ago I broke up with a FANTASTIC person, and now I'm a wreck.

 

We'd been together almost 3 years, living together for 2 of them. It was a great relationship - both starting out on our careers, living in an exciting part of the world, and on a journey together. Lots of happy memories of traveling and "playing house" together.

 

So what happened?

 

1. She was (clinically) depressed, and didn't want to talk or do anything about it. Of course I loved her enough to really be there for her, cheer her up, or do whatever she needed. But she never talked to me about it, didn't take the initiative herself to do anything (no exercise, therapy, meds, reading books). If she was in tears, she just said "it's nothing to do with you" and that was that. And anytime I tried to talk to her about things we could do together to make things better, it just set her off. Depression sucks. I don't blame her at all.

 

The thing is, for the most part she was still her wonderful self. Kept the house beautiful, kept on totally rocking at her job. But (for example), on the weekends she'd just slip into an indifferent malaise and her "fun self" would disappear. I thought "yeesh, if it's this bad when we're still in the honeymoon phase and have no real problems in life, how bad is it going to be later on or if we run into some difficulties?"

 

2. I was insecure, and maybe a bit hung up on "fixing" her. Things didn't seem to be getting better, I thought that the depression was a reflection of me, especially since she NEVER discussed the real reasons behind a crying episode. So I thought "hey, better break up with her to set her free!" Again, depression sucks.

 

3. I was a platinum arse during the breakup. I should have talked with her about all these feelings I had building up. But I didn't, because her depression was involved. I wanted to protect her during the breakup, which must have seemed to come out of nowhere. So I did the whole "it's not you, it's me thing" (maybe good?) and then DISAPPEARED rather abruptly (again, to protect her, or so I thought). Subsequently, moving out of our apartment (the lease was up) turned into a complete mess.

 

In retrospect, maybe a good thing she came out hating me. Easier for her to move on.

 

The other consequence of my ty breakup: she is a proud person, and in addition to deserving someone who knows what they want, I know there is NO SHOT at reconciliation.

 

Where does that leave me now, 3 months later?

 

Depressed, feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life, super lonely, missing all the little things about her as well as the companionship. Wondering if I could have done more, been less selfish and negative. Hyper-analyzing my past mistakes. Magnifying the selfish reasons I did what I did, and ignoring the reasons it's good for both of us.

 

I have to let go of it, and build a new, fun life on my own which isn't centered around her. I'm confident I'll come out a better person, but it just sucks right now. I would do ANYTHING to regain faith in myself, move on faster, and feel a bit better. It's a process.

 

I have come accross many posts on ENA that have helped me get through the rollercoaster ride so far. And I love perusing the journals section. You guys rock. Here's hoping that sharing some of my experiences on a regular basis might help one or two people a little bit at some point down the line, in addition to being therapeutic for me.

[kamurj]