He went soft, now what?

[laelithia]

Hi Everyone,

I've been seeing this really nice guy for about a month that I really REALLY like, but things have moved a lot slower than I'm used to. Last night we were cuddling on the couch watching TV, when we started making out. I was really excited because up until then it had mostly been pecks or little kisses here or there, so I was really into it. I thought he was too, there was a lot of touching, etc. So then I said we should go to his room, and he agreed. Anyway we made out for a little bit more and then clothes started coming off and he went to get a condom. After he put it on, I could tell he was starting to go soft, but we kept going anyway. Long story short, we stopped because it wasn't working! He seemed a little embarrassed about it and said it had never happened before. I'm worried it was because of me and that I rushed things by saying we should go to the bedroom which I feel bad about now, maybe he just wasn't ready yet? I know he got out of a long term relationship in the summer, so maybe that's what it is.

 

Anyway, I just don't know what I should do now. I'm worried I won't hear from him anymore because it was so embarrassing for him, but like I said I really like him and what happened doesn't bother me at all except if it was my fault. What should I do?

 

Oh and FYI I'm 24 and he's 27.

[jaded123]

It's probably just performance stress and tension at this end. Normal when with new people, sometimes. Just keep at it.

[DancingFool]

Could have just been nerves. Call him and arrange another date, take some initiative in setting it up. That will show him that you are fine and might boost his confidence a bit. If all he hears is crickets from you, he might conclude that he got rejected over it and might be feeling too awkward to reach out to you. Depends a bit on his personality too. Some men will take that kind of stuff in stride and brush it off as no biggie and some will react badly or think the woman will.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I doubt it was your "fault". If anything, I would guess that he had some anxiety around his performance that did him in. Perhaps his ex said cruel things to him when they were together.

 

What you should do IMO is send him a text or call him like you would do if this had never happened. I'm sure he's embarrassed enough, you don't need to bring it up again or refer to it. He probably just needs some more time and encouragement to get used to being with you or the idea of being with you. As much as we're all conditioned by society that men are up for it at all times no matter what, that's just not true as you've just found out.

[laelithia]

Thanks guys for your advice. I texted him this morning but I haven't heard anything back yet... I guess all I can do is wait

[Jennifer89]

Text? How about calling him? Just move on with your relationship again and don't press they "why's" of it, just see what happens in the future! Not being able to get or stay hard can have a lot of root reasons, and most of them wouldn't relate to you at all. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't have started kissing so much and agreeing to go back to the bedroom. He is dating you, after all, so he should (in theory) be attracted to you.

[Thorshammer]

This happened to my friend, he had anxiety and his peepee went woooooop. The dude probably got nervous- stage fright on his wang.

[itsallgrand]

This happened to my friend, he had anxiety and his peepee went woooooop. The dude probably got nervous- stage fright on his wang.

 

I got this visual for a great t shirt there. Never heard it put quite like that before. lol.

 

Anyways, I agree with the others. Don't let it bother you, and continue as normal. Maybe if he was in a long term relationship not that long ago, he isn't used to using condoms either. It can be so many things; don't jump to conclusions. He'll probably tell you himself down the road anyways.

[Gimpyrks]

Best thing you can do? Laugh about it. I don't mean laugh at him, I mean laugh about the situation and then turn around and say something along the lines of "We should try again "

 

The thing I love most about my bf and I is that when it comes to sex and making out, we never take anything too seriously. If one of us isn't feeling it, that's okay there's always another time and we make a big joke about it and just move on. I don't think it had anything to do with you, but you can always ask him if that will make you feel better Doing/saying things to help boost his confidence will help turn this situation around.

[lavenderdove]

It happens sometimes, especially under pressure or stress... So you're new, and maybe he just feels anxious because he is worried what you are thinking about him. So let it go and let him make the next move.

 

But it can also be a warning sign of more serious issues... as in he's gay and doesn't want to admit it to himself and is trying to be straight, he is inhibited due to his upbringing and uncomfortable with intimacy etc. But the only way to tell is to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he gets past it or not. He most likely will once he relaxes, unless it is some deeper problem.

[Thorshammer]

Best thing you can do? Laugh about it. I don't mean laugh at him, I mean laugh about the situation and then turn around and say something along the lines of "We should try again "

 

The thing I love most about my bf and I is that when it comes to sex and making out, we never take anything too seriously. If one of us isn't feeling it, that's okay there's always another time and we make a big joke about it and just move on. I don't think it had anything to do with you, but you can always ask him if that will make you feel better Doing/saying things to help boost his confidence will help turn this situation around.

 

Thats cool that you have that with your bf, but i wouldnt advise her to laugh unless you know hes cool with it. He was already embarrased, and the next thing we know he will be here on enotalone asking 26749475032 questions about what that means when she laughed after he couldnt get his little soldier to attention. I've never had my hammer uncharged, but i have had women laugh when i tried to do something freaky, and i did laugh and play along, but that completely ruined the crap out of the sex. I could never be too freaky with her after the first few giggles we had.

[shelty24]

Maybe hes not used to condoms if he was in a ltr. They can KILL the mood or maybe he just felt anxious or maybe hes not ready for a new relationship.

 

You sure he is over his ex?? Not asking bcoz of what happened but bcoz it has not been that long since they split. Im sure you dont want to be a rebound

 

anyway the best thing to do if/when he goes soft is to just seduce him again and act like its no big deal. Give him a bj. It can happen to any guy at any time and its best not to react

[agatha]

maybe he was too big for the condom you were using? my previous bf softened up if we used the wrong size...

 

and stage fright is pretty common on first timers

[KORG]

I agree with the other posters that it was probably performance anxiety or nervousness in being with a new person. Condoms can indeed be constricting or uncomfortable, and stopping to put one on can interrupt the flow of what would otherwise have been a passionate moment. I agree that you should set up another date with him so he knows you like him and won't automatically reject him over it. Hopefully you'll hear back from him again soon, and hopefully he won't feel embarrassed enough to avoid contact. If/when you get together again, I wouldn't bring up the performance issue. Making a joke out of it could backfire and make him think you're basically making fun of him. Guys can be very sensitive about this subject.

[Dragunov-21]

The dude probably got nervous- stage fright on his wang.

 

Quoted again for hilarity.

 

It's pretty insidious; you get it, then next time, you worry about it, and guess what happens? Hard loop to break. Only real advice I can offer is to just roll with it if it happens; makes it much less likely to happen again.

 

Best thing you can do? Laugh about it. I don't mean laugh at him, I mean laugh about the situation and then turn around and say something along the lines of "We should try again

 

This is dangerous (see above). Obviously it'll vary from person to person, but try it one of the people who aren't good with it and you can bugger things up royally.