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I realise the main advice I have been given by people is to move on, stop thinking about him, get a new counselor, make my own life, stop being codependent etc.

 

I try. I do. But here I am not able to stop crying again. I know no one will say anything new to me but I had to tell someone and I do not think my friends want to hear it anymore and I don't want to tell them anymore.

 

It feels as if I just cannot stop feeling in pain. It's so constant it scares me. I feel like my life has no meaning and when I think back to being with him, I was happy just being with him. Just being together. And I did still continue trying to achieve my goals-even though he would have bouts of strange anger sometimes he actually encouraged me to do the things I wanted to in life.

 

I feel so utterly alone too. I don't even want to try and talk to other people because I just have no hope left in regards to relationships with anyone. I feel isolated and like I am flawed and can not get on with people.

 

I've sometimes thought about just going away to somewhere. I don't even know where though. I just feel like I need to run away from something.

 

Nothing helps for long and nothing is helping at all today. How could someone bring me so much joy only to leave me with so little. I think I've actually run out of hope. Maybe I'm just no good at life. I think that's it. I am **** at living life. Can't do it. Can only exist in a little fantasy world and that's gone bad too now.

 

I know I might feel better in time. It's just one of those times where it doesn't feel that way.

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It's been a hell of a day. I've been panicking so much about everything. I'm beginning to think I might go on a little holiday by myself. It might make me more confident on my own i thought? I just need to do something to make me feel like I'm alive again and for myself. I honestly have a new idea for what I will do in the near future everyday though. But that's progress I think. Because before I was just feeling suicidal all the time.

 

It's still hard though. I get very upset after thinking about what I will do and end up in a state of confusion like this. Then I cry that he's gone from my future and I feel like i need him. Not sure why. Maybe it's a step in progression though? Fighting the habit of living for him?

 

I am very much looking forward to when it gets better. Oh yes!

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Um. I'm walking the dog, having baths with face masks, talking to friends and trying to make the conversations about other stuff largely, I sent some demos to some agents today, I've got a part time job....I don't think I do enough though. I tend to research how to heal from abusive relationships and stuff like that often-I know I'm probably doing it to fill an obsession with another obsession though. I think I need to stop it. I don't know what I'm expecting to find in reading so much of it.

 

I've had a couple "moments" where I felt ok with myself. Those are nice. I'd like to feel more like that. Christmas was good. Being around people and it not being a complete disaster. I felt like it was all going to go terribly wrong for some reason. But I did it. I managed to see my dad too-something I've been avoiding since realising how much he actually did abuse me. It's very confusing seeing him now. I do love my dad. I actually do, I like him. But he is the sort of person who likes to be in control and admired and that reminds me of my ex. I don't want to hate him but I can't let myself completely love him because I remember a lot of what he did to me and it was wrong. It's a hard thing to get settled in your mind.....

 

Anyway that went ok! Lol. So I need to get more happy moments to build my confidence that things will be ok maybe.

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I agree, you need to do more.

 

You need to take on a big project or new life goal -- something to take the place of this relationship in your daily activities.

 

I suggested before volunteering, starting an hour of intense exercise every day -- something to take you out of YOUR MIND, and into either your physical self OR into spending time helping others. Like volunteering at a local animal shelter! Or a cause you believe in.

 

Something BIGGER than yourself, bigger than a relationship.

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Thing is I'm moving soon now so I'm sort of waiting until I get to the new place to start doing things like this. I would like to do an MA in another country but I really do not know where the money would come from, it's sort of impossible that. But I'd like to do something like that. Something to get me back in the game of caring about my future. I might do the exercise whilst I'm here. I'm just quite ill at the moment so I'm not feeling like doing that right now.

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