Have I messed this up? Advice needed please...

[cblossom20]

Hi everyone,

 

Please can I get some advice. A week ago I met a really nice guy who displayed a few red flags at the start, he was very keen at the start wanted to see me all the time, needed a lot of validation, insecure etc I told him to chill out and go with the flow but I did have my guard up. He told me he was all about the details and took a long time to trust people and just did some odd thing like remember my address after I only mentioned it once, used my hairbrush without me saying he could stuff like that. Anyway within the first week he invited me to go away with him to watch a rugbg match when I was there I met his dad!

 

When we got back I invited him to meet me for a quick drink with me and my mate and he came up with a im busy with work excuse so I didnt stress I assumed he needed a bit of timeout which I understood. But then the next day my sister got my wires crossed and said the guy I was seeing had checked out her husband on linked in - the guy I was seeing was an ex prof rugby player. Anyway for some reason I thought he was checking up on me and my family! His behaviour during the week led me to believe he could do something like that. Anyway I accused him without getting the full details and he wasnt happy about it. I apologised and said it was an honest mistake but now he said he wants to leave it until after the new year and that it was maybe going to fast. I said to him if he cant move on from this we should go our separate ways so I gave him an easy way out but he has said to leave it until the new year. Do yiu think this is a sutble way of saying its over? Would this put you off someone if you really liked them? Im wondering if he was losing interest and I gave him a good reason to back out? Any ideas please!

[missmarple]

It seems like a typical case of too much too soon. I think it's a bit of both...losing interest and being annoyed with your accusaions. I'd say do what he says, wait until after the new year's (it's just a few days) and see what happens.

By the way, are you sure you like him? He seems a bit too much.

[cblossom20]

Its strange though because before he came to meet me and my mate he was instigating messages saying he had a lovely time with me etc so I didnt sense he was pulling away until the next day- how can a guy go from hot to cold so quickly?

 

Dont worry I intend to wait until the new year! Do you think the situation is salvagable?

[missmarple]

I have no idea. Guys who are very keen in the beginning, often lose interest fast. Also, if it's not a matter of losing interest, it depends on how sensitive he is and how upset he got when you accused him. The fact that he told you to wait a few days could be a good sign..or could mean that he wants to see what will happen with someone else first. So early on, anything is possible.

[cblossom20]

Thanks! I guess if he does get bk in touch I will have to play it cool if he is the type to lose interest quickly?! Which isnt great really...

[mhowe]

How much interest do you really have vs wanting a bf so bad you would take on the early red flags?

[cblossom20]

I wouldnt of let it drag on don't worry, I just thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt - maybe nerves or something!?

[mhowe]

You don't know him enough to give him the benefit. He could be dating several women and has already made NY Eve plans with one while putting you on hold while he does whatever he wants.

[cblossom20]

He cant be interested if he has let me be single over the festive period! Says a lot tbh. He is the sensitive type, over analyses things etc so could have taken it personally. My feeling is if you really, really like someone they would laugh the accusation off and move on from it. His need for space I thinj was already happening anyway

[missmarple]

My feeling is if you really, really like someone they would laugh the accusation off and move on from it.

 

It depends. In the early stages of dating, an accusation and the way it's worded can make someone lose interest or, at the very least, make him think 'is this person someone who tends to jump on people before getting all the facts straight?'. Don't forget that you're still forming opinions about each other..it's not like he knows how you are and he can just say 'oh well, it was a bad moment'.

[cblossom20]

Thanks Miss Marple

[DancingFool]

Words are just words. Realistically, just how much can a total stranger who barely knows you like you? Not that much. The change of heart only seems abrupt because you bought into the empty words and gestures. There is no real foundation for them and it's important to keep that in mind when you come accross these types of burn hot and fast instantly.

 

Anyway, he was pushy, you did not like him, there are all kinds of red flags flying here. Why are you even bothering with him? Why are you putting control in his hands over what you want? You need to decide what you want and don't want and act on it. Don't leave it up to others to make decisions for you. It's how you end up as the back up girl and getting treated like dirt.

[cblossom20]

Ok so what do I do if he comes back to me in the new year? How do I play it to avoid being the fallback girl?

[Thorshammer]

I was like this, i didnt trust people, and even to this day i research their names and anyone who knows them. Considering being this cautious made me find out that a girl i was dating was still involved with her husband - its not something i would give up (by the way, women do this to me all the time, i know this when they slip up some information they would only know from facebook, so i know they searched me out). If i got caught and she brought it to my attention in a certain way, i would be embarrassed and i would leave.

 

Once i feel 'dumb', or made to feel dumb about something i did...(depends on how you brought it up and approached him) its goodbye. Not really sure, maybe i just feel "oh, no, things are ruined... back to the drawing board with someone else!"- but i usually just lose attraction after that (maybe a defensive mechanism restarts the wall and out the girl goes). I also never bring up a "no-no" that a girl did, i dont want to project that same feelings into her, so i either carefully bring it up, or dont mention it.

[cblossom20]

Thanks but it was kind of his own fault. Because he is so suspicious and vocal about it I assumed tge worst. I tried explaining this to him, plus I explained ive had a few instances with stalkerish guys who were normal at the start then turned into weirdos so I did try explaining myself. He said to leave it untilthe new year, maybe he was over reacting himself

[mhowe]

You basically said "normal at first turn into wierdos"...kind.of implying this could be the case with him. You are already fallback girl...he is pushing the next POSSIBLE date off by 10 days. Pretty sure he isn't just sitting home through all the festivities.

[cblossom20]

Basically a month before he started seeing me he had a bad experience with a girl he saw for 3-4 months who lied and said she was separated when in fact she was still married, she is now hounding him on the phone, calling him 3 times a day that he now has changed his phone and a solicitor is involved! He told me all this when we first met so he projected his fears onto me. If anything he should be understanding of why I came to that conclusion.

[mhowe]

How many red flags do you need to see?

Pass on this guy.

[cblossom20]

So are you really saying I cant change being the fallback if he gets in contact again? Surely if I made him work hard for me I can turn things around?

[cblossom20]

Mhowe do you think that was a red flag? I thought he just had a bad experience with a woman so a bit defensive?

[DancingFool]

Why are you trying to cling? Also, you are already the fallback girl who was put firmly on the backburner while he enjoys his nye plans and does other things. You avoid being that girl by walking away quickly from situations like that. A firm thank you but no thanks is all it takes. Go date and find yourself a man who does not burn hot and cold.

[mhowe]

You aren't making him work hard for you!

He has placed you on the shelf and told you he MIGHT call you in 10 days.

He is in complete control here.

[DancingFool]

So are you really saying I cant change being the fallback if he gets in contact again? Surely if I made him work hard for me I can turn things around?

 

When you are this desperate you are not in control........

[cblossom20]

He said leave it and I have, ive not been in contact at all. When he said leave it until the new yr I said ok cool, have a great christmas and new year and left it at that. Also I gave him a way out so didnt act clingy or desperate, he chose to delay it not me. I was happy to walk away

[cblossom20]

Mhowe, how can I make him work for me when im not in contact with him?! Im staying away I dont see what else I can do to make him work for me!?