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Hey guys,

 

So my ex (21) and I (25) were dating for over 3 years and we just broke up 5 weeks ago. We had been dating since her first week in college. This past summer, I finished my masters and found a job at her hometown (6 hours away from school) to be with her once she graduates next May (I knew it was very important for her to be near her parents and I am not from the US so I wanted to make that move for us). This past summer we pretty much lived together, and she was talking about moving in with me in May and getting married before 25, etc. She went back to school in September and moved in with one of her good friends that is a party girl (My ex was very chill, didn't go out a lot). She was suffering a lot with the long distance relationship. Out of nowhere, 10 days before thanksgiving, she broke up with me through text messages/phone call. She said that we were best friends but she didn't feel loved, etc. She came home for thanksgiving, we talked a lot, spent thanksgiving and black Friday together, and everything seemed to be getting better despite her saying she was hurt and needing some space. After that, when she went back to school, things went downhill very quick. She started being very negative about the relationship saying how bad everything was (I believe she did this to convince herself and not feel guilty) and she started partying a lot. A couple weeks later, she posts a picture on facebook with a guy (Supposely her friend). Anyways, it been a long road since then, she came home and we have been in contact. We went for lunch again a few days ago and I spent Christmas at her house (I am very close with her family).

 

Now we are on the stage where she told me she misses having me around, she hates that she is hurting me, but that she wants to be single until she graduates and that she will be back then and maybe we will talk about getting back once she is back. That she needs that space, she cant promise she wont meet anybody because she doesnt know what will happen, but if we are meant to be, we will be. She told me MANY times: "We will rebuild in May", "Maybe you will get a chance in May", "I will be back in May, but no promises" etc.

 

I know her friends are telling her she had been dating for a while and she needed to get out there and experience things a little bit so I think she is being influenced by that. Not sure if this is some sort of Grass is Greener Syndrome or just her trying to enjoy her college life and keeping me around until then. She did tell me she wants me to move on as well, and get myself happy without her first and then we will talk in May (Yes, she keeps saying that).

 

Just want to get other people's opinion on this situation and what is the best way to approach it? Thanks!

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I'd consider her choice and respect her- leaving her be now.

 

Go no contact... not even 'friend' idea. That will NOT do you any good. And start working on you now.

 

Do as she's said.. work on being happy with you. May is a few months away and i'm pretty sure she will hook up with someone, somewhere. That does happen.

 

In this time.. it will give each of you some time to 'think'. See if, by then, she'll want to come back to you?

Nothing we can ever do to 'make' them come back or to love us. It just happens or it doesn't.

 

I know how hard this is to deal with... it'll be very difficult for first cpl months. But.. as mentioned, it's best to aim away from her and focus on YOU now. Get out with friends/family... enjoy some sports/ hobbies etc.

 

One day at a time...is all we can do.

 

tc

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Thanks for the reply.

 

It just caught me completely of guard because one week she is talking about moving in and getting me a promise ring, the next week she breaks up through a text message (She called me every day for 3 days to explain her decision), then a week later we hang out fine, a few days later she hates everything about me, and now she keeps telling me lets move on and talk in May.

 

I do agree that she will probably hook up with someone (That part is hard to deal with), because I think she broke up to explore and enjoy college life (She never partied or drank a lot before). She told me a few times that she is hanging out and talking to people (I am assuming people is her polite way of saying guys, not sure). And again, it may take her hooking up with someone else to make her come back to me but Im not sure I will take that well so I was considering deleting her from facebook? Or keep her there since our situation is slightly "open"?

 

I will try to move on with my life and meet other people but I doubt I will get into anything serious within these next few months. I also want to try NC because I have not given her the chance to miss me yet. In a way, I feel like I am slowly starting the process of healing and even tho I will be hanging out with other people like her, I still want to do what will give us the best chance to try to rebuild in may.

 

The other problem (or benefit) is the fact that I am extremely close with her parents. They are my American parents and I am at her house all the time. They want us to be back together but they also told me that their relationship with me is separate from mine with hers. Not sure if staying close with them is a plus towards getting back as long as its not affecting my healing process.

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Another thing she told me recently is that She is second guessing herself because she sees that I have a stable job (I had a bad job during the summer that I made the mistake of allowing it to affect our relationship) and that I am making a good amount of money. But she would be getting back for the wrong reasons now and she wouldnt go back on her decision. Pretty much her exact words.

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She'd be getting back for the wrong reasons? Hmmm okay.

Well in this time this is why I suggest to leave her alone.. to think about it all- and you the same.

Iknow how hard it is.. and yes, less contact the better really, for your own sake.

 

IF you're going to still consider her parents in this... i suggest you only appear there, when she isn't.

Because if she does venture out... this you do not need/want to know of.. believe me.

 

It's all a pain.. in the ***... it really is. Very hard to back away etc. So much loss.. i understand.

I think it may affect your healing...

 

By sounds of it.. maybe she's now just a lil confused (messed up) and this is another reason to stay away. Dont push her any further.

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Yeah I've been with her for 3 years and she seems confused and decided at the same time (Which is a weird combination). Like I said, I am aware that her friends are telling her that she needs to enjoy her life and make mistakes before things get serious so that probably played a big part. Also, she prob started going out with her roommate and drinking since she finally has some freedom in college and started getting attention from guys and prob loved that since I wasn't giving her a lot of attention because of being emotionally drained by my previous job.

 

The biggest pain is the fact that she now has this bad idea of us and says that I never showed love (hugging, kissing, cuddling) and never gave her compliments (This was her main reason for breaking up), and that I had 3 years to change, and if I didn't change in 3 years for her, then it won't happen. Because I was pressuring her a lot, she went on and said other guys treat her better in 1 hour than I did in 3 years, etc.

 

Like you said, this stuff is a pain in the ***. I'm just confused by her attitude where She is telling me she is moving on and we will see what will happen in May. Everytime I do something nice she says it means a lot to her and that she does know I want to make things right, its just not the time right now and if its meant to be it will be. Love the girl to death obviously, and I would do anything and everything to be back with her eventually even if it means both of us moving on and maybe reconnecting in the future. Idk, I am just confused and I guess I will go meet other people and keep that private for now to also keep the option of reconnecting in May open in case I dont find anybody I want to be in a relationship until then and still have feelings for her.

 

I do appreciate the advises.. Hopefully there will be a good reason for all this, either to allow me to work on myself to meet someone better or to make us a better couple in the future for the long term.. We will see what happens!

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When you meet someone 'new', things are ALWAYS so great! So, of course they'll show her some affection.... It's always going to be like that where it's like a new life.. a new world. Kinda like the honeymoon phase, but that doesn't last forever.

 

In your 3 yrs, she has also changed though. You may not see it like that right now, but i'm sure it's not all just you.

I guess to her, 'lack' of affection was a problem.. so comparing you to someone new now, she's all thrilled- whatever.

 

She's saying whatever you're doing now means a lot to her, as she 'does' still feel for you & care for you... but sounds like her feelings have changed, in which she's asking for this break.

I am very much the same for my ex. Love him and all-but what he did was 'his' choice. Not mine (was 5 yrs). Very hard to lose someone you came to love.. i know.

 

As for the next few months? You do NOT have to go meet anyone. This doesn't mean, that's what you should do. I am hitting 9 months and still not with anyone. I couldn't do it. I was far from ready, mentally & emotionally.

Do not make yourself go looking if you feel you can't do it. (that cld make them a rebound)..not good.

 

Take your time dealing with this... loss is very hard on people. You need to take some 'time off' I think and do some soul searching and dealing with why this relation fell apart and also deal with your own heart & mind from the break up. okay.

 

Like I say... one day at a time. NO reason to rush anything. Take some time.. deal with YOU now.

 

tc

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Yeah the lack of affection was definitely the problem. Specially when she was talking about moving in with me in May and giving hints about getting married by 25, and I didn't show the same excitement for those ideas because I was so focused on fixing my professional life first to stay in her hometown (something that was important to her). That's something that is really hunting me now, the fact that she broke up because in her mind I didn't love her, but its obvious that I love her more than anything, I just couldnt communicate it well. Thats definitely my biggest regret and what caused me to pursue her so hard after the break up.

 

But right now she is probably loving all the attention she is finally getting from a bunch of guys and her freedom that she doesn't see the 'honeymoon phase' so she uses that comparison to reason that I was terrible. Maybe once her emotions settle down a little bit with time she will see things different.

 

Regarding meeting someone, I guess in my mind I have 2 reasons to do that: 1)I miss having a good company and someone close that I can talk to (My ex and were best friends and would talk for hours every day), and 2)In case she does come back eventually, I feel that if she dated other people and I havent, I would have a tougher time forgiving her. Idk, maybe those are the wrong reasons now that I think about it and I do need to take some time off.

 

Its just hard because I moved here to her hometown a few months ago and I still dont have many friends so i spend most of my time alone, which makes me think about her a lot. Another question I had is, what do people normally do when they have the urge to contact their ex? Because that happens a lot to me since we used to talk so much, and even when I try to be just friends, it always shifts to relationship talks and i need to stop that.

 

Its hard but Im really trying to slowly stop thinking about her, but I still wake up everyday thinking about her (Mornings are the worse). One day at a time!

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I'm going to break this down.. from each of your paragraphs... okay.

 

1) Many (young) couples often talk about their 'future' and things like getting married. (their hopes.. dreams etc.)

Slowly, as you were 'trying' to get yourself settled, it seems like she was possibly acting 'desperate' then maybe her 'hopes' began to fail, if she felt the lack in emotional support..?

So when YOU were working on getting life going- in her hometown and lacking elsewhere.. she became distant?

I understand your feelings and regrets in this.. but it always takes two. I, personally don't feel she was 'giving' as much from her own end, that she could have.. you think?

With her suddenly backing off & leaving without actually 'trying' enough on her own end to work this all out with you.

Like you said.. how you do obviously love her with what your doing etc...

 

2) Yes, correct, right now all is so great.. but, in time, she'll probably come to think & see things differently. We'll see.

 

3) As for YOU (missing companionship) and whether she comes back to you.. or not.

I don't think it'd make any difference if you started seeing other ppl to or not- as to whether you can let go of what's happening now? (when my ex moved on to someone else, I never felt I needed someone else to take his spot... I actually felt NO ONE could take his place.. because I loved him that much. I just didn't want anyone else.).

I do highly suggest YOU take your own personal time off. Away from any ideas of starting a new relationship.. for a good few months. Until you're for sure over this one and your heart & mind is in proper order again.

** As for maybe going out for a date? Maybe you can try it.. see how it feels for you... but remember that 'rebound' possibility. It will end up hurting you even MORE, should that come to an abrupt end, as well**.

 

4) This is another 'change'. Not doing anything with each other anymore, when you've gotten so used to it. It IS very hard to stop and let go. Such a big change again. Change can be hard on anyone.

What do do when you feel that 'urge'? Make yourself change your mind. Walk away from the phone.. go for a walk.. go get something to eat.. go have a shower.. turn on radio. It'll ease off again. (re train the brain).

Sorry to see you dont have many friends around there.. yah that sucks. Why dont you look at moving away from there.. if, when May comes around and if she doesn't decide to return.. can you leave & move back to where you were?

 

Yes, it can be VERY hard to stop thinking of them. I'm on month 8- almost 9. Still think abt him daily. Some days harder than others. Everything for you is still so new.

Instead of contacting her.. get a journal going. Write in it everytime you want to talk to her. I spent months writing stuff down.. in a book here and on the puter.

 

 

Yes, One day at a time.. it will hurt for a while.. you will feel lost..sad..confused...angry..etc.

You will be okay. One thing I have come to repeatedly tell myself lately is 'His loss' and 'I was ok b4 him.. i'll be ok again'.

 

Stick around... you're not alone.

 

tc

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So here is what just happened, today I changed my profile picture on facebook (I cropped her out of the picture).. A couple hours later she sent me a message like this "It is kind of funny that you chopped me out of a picture haha".. We ended up talking for a little bit and I found out she was feeling pressured by me to do something she couldn't right now (Get back) because she is still very hurt and didn't have time to heal at all yet. I told her I am not pressuring her, that I think we both need space right now to heal and get ourselves happy again. And that once we reach that stage we will see what happens and maybe reconnect. She ended up saying thank you for understanding me. Then she asked me if I am going to her house tomorrow night for dinner and the football game. To which I said I didn't it was a good idea because I wanted us to have our space. She said it didnt affect her and that her dad and brothers would love to hang out with me.

 

Not too sure what to take out of this conversation but I feel I took the first step towards moving on and focusing on myself by communicating to her I will not be contacting her anymore. Whenever she sends me texts like that, should I ignore? Or should I be polite?

 

Regarding your previous message I really appreciate you taking the time to go in depth on your answers! It really has opened my eyes and helped a lot.

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It's okay, No Problem, MM.

Glad to hear it is helping & that you're understanding some of what I am explaining.

 

I do understand if you're yearning to go over there, but really, out of respect, you shouldn't. This really can't be or shouldn't be like a 'game'. It's almost like playing with your emotions. She can't do this to you.

 

Im sure YOU are hurting right now and these little calls..replying...invites are really not that appropriate, if you two are no longer involved....right?

 

You did do well with admitting it isn't best to go there..

Why don't YOU think about it... what would happen if you did go? Would it hurt? Would it affect you?

Because honestly, you really shouldn't be doing anything to 'try' and get her attention or reaction either. Why did you put up a pic with her 'removed'? Was it for a reaction? Why not just one of your own pics? Or a sport or nature shot or something else.. but NOT where she has been removed.. and for her to see then react to.

 

Also.. re: this fb thing... do you think it's still okay to have her on there? Can you handle seeing all she says & does?

Or are you still thinking about that?

Many end up blocking or removing their ex from their 'friends'. but you can think on this.

 

Anyways.. everything you do is up to you. I';m just giving suggestions as to how you can manage these issue's. ok

 

hagn

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I agree, I'm not sure what her intentions were sending that message. That's why I told her that we need space to heal and then we will reconnect in the future. Hopefully this will keep her from sending more messages. We used to be very good friends and talk about everything and that's why she still asks me about dog insurance for the dog she is getting in March, etc. I guess what is happening is that I lost her, but she doesn't feel like she lost me yet (Which she hasn't). Should I ignore text messages from now on? I don't think she means any harm but I need to heal.

 

Again, my goal right now is to heal and get myself happy one day at a time. This is also the only way I will be able to start a new relationship with someone else or with her in the future if that comes to happens. Getting back with her is still one of my goals but I am aware that I need to focus on myself first. As long as its not affecting my healing, I just also want to make the right moves to give us the best chances of getting back. Am I making sense?

 

So that's my question. I know we need NC for a little while now for emotions to settle and both of us to heal. However, As long as I am being able to heal and not being affected by these things, should I Continue to have a great relationship with her parents and hang out with them while she is at school? Keep her on facebook? etc. (Facebook may be a problem for now and I need to think about that. If I see her with anybody else I will most likely be crushed again and I don't want that to happen. What I will do for now is remove her from my news feed so I cant see her updates and trust I will be strong enough to not go on her page. Not sure how that will go)

 

Regarding the picture, I honestly didn't do that to get her attention. I didn't even think she would notice or mind that. Why should she?? I just wanted to put a good picture of me to start feeling better about myself again. I also started working out again yesterday. Trying to accept that I wont forget her anytime soon but life keeps going!

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Yes, in order for YOU to heal.. it is best to go No contact.

You're right.. she isn't looking at it that way, I guess. She needs to see what it's like NOT having you around anymore. And she won't be able to 'miss you' while you are still around for her.

 

What they do sometimes is little nothings "breadcrumbs'. Meaningless contact. Which is nothing really. It's their way to check on you.. see if there's still connection etc. Or try to keep you on the backburner. Not!

 

Yes, you do make sense. I understand all you're saying, and you are correct. But, in order to improve and get over everything is to start doing it all on your own, away from her.

Whether it be insecurities.. etc. No one's perfect and it is always good to look at what possible caused the break up and work on that/those issues and ourselves again- yes, to work on being healthy, mentally, emotionally & happy again.

 

As for HER parents... not sure you've known them all.. but do you need to go there?

And FB? Since you are trying to 'heal'.. I'm not sure it is a good idea to keep 'watch' on her. That may end up affecting your healing attempts. I have NONE of my ex's on my FB. No need for them there.

If we're done- we are done.

That is up to you... but i am just cautioning you on that. do your best to not follow her.. for now.

 

I know you won't forget her.. and she wont forget you either. Feelings & memories dont disapear that fast.

Good for you.. getting out n working out. Good plan.. do some things for you now

 

One day at a time... that's right. Things are going to be difficult. They always are in this situation. Just keep going, try to keep yourself busy. Go out with friends n stuff?

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So I officially decided to go No Contact! Specially because as I said before, she is getting attention from other guys, and I am not going to hang around while she is texting/hanging out with other guys (Even if she is not doing anything else other than just flirting). I love her A LOT but I can't force her back and I need to let her experience life without me (I realized It needs to happen naturally for it to work out). We will see what happens.

 

Now, if she happens to start with these 'breadcrumbs', what is the best way to go about it? Because I want her to miss me and for meaningless conversations would not help me at all. But at the same time I dont want to ignore or be rude and push her away considering we broke up because I didnt give her enough attention and I would be just confirming that idea.

 

Im starting to get back to myself and coming to terms with this breakup. The part that is hard is knowing that she is hanging out with other guys while I am upset we are apart. Sometimes those thoughts come to my mind and they are hurtful (Specially because of how innocent she was). Not sure what is the best way to deal with that but Im hoping they will become less frequent with time.

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No, I dont think you need to be thinking of anything in terms of what happened before your BU.

That has already happened so there is really NO need for any further interaction.

 

With your choice to go NC now, means you are doing this for YOU. To work on healing etc. Whether she comes back- we dont know if.. or when? So, you now just go on about your own thing.. your own life again.

 

No need to think about the past as in..I dont want to be rude or ignore her.

Fact is.. is she is doing her own thing now & has chosen to walk away from you... right? Then dont bother with her anymore, at all! YOU owe her nothing- vice versa.

 

She is off, flirting away.. free as a bird now.. so you do not need to answer to her 'little nothings'. I dont think that will change anything, for either of you. If you keep up with it, no, you won't be able to work on healing..moving on etc.

And sometimes,, it can even push them away again, further. Some say it can get annoying with an ex always at them or prying at them etc.

 

What is needed is for HER to see what it's like without you and in order to do that.. miss you, you need to be totally out of her life now.

 

I understand your 'hard part' about this. Yes, it is difficult to deal with, with how they are acting while we've fallen apart in so many ways.

Best is to keep with NC and have NOTHING to do with her. The less you know, the better.

So, no FB stalking... nothing. If you're friends are saying anything, say you don't want to know! Leave it all alone now.

 

hagn tc

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So, just wanted to get your opinion on a few things she said to me after last time I saw her that I didn't have the time to write here:

 

"I care about you a lot, but I think we both need to move on for a little"; "Being around each other makers everything so hard"; "It makes it hard for both of us to see each other, we should wait it all out" - I asked her what wait it all out mean and she said "I mean move on and stuff"..

 

I didn't push her at all on that conversation. She was the one saying those things on her own (I'm assuming she had a rough time after seeing me the day I went to her house a few days ago). it was a very weird feeling because when I saw her I could feel part of her wanting to get back but at the same time something is definitely holding her back and allowing her to keep her decision. It may be someone else, it may be lack of trust the relationship can be different (She did mention she just needs a break from the toxic relationship we had). However, whatever reason it is, it is clear she wants her space for now and that she is leaving things open for a possible reconciliation (or not). I told her I will miss her but I need to heal as well, and that from now on I will not be contacting her anymore.. She replied by saying "Thanks for coming over. I will talk to you soon"..

 

So yeah, since then I have been in NC.. Not sure what will happen.. All i know is that I need a break to get back to being happy on my own and once I am confident that I reached that goal I will get back to looking for someone, either a NEW relationship with her or somebody else.

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Hi MM,

 

She said >"I care about you a lot, but I think we both need to move on for a little"; "Being around each other makers everything so hard"; "It makes it hard for both of us to see each other, we should wait it all out

AND

"needs a break from the toxic relationship we had'

 

Obviously by sounds of things, there were some problems between you two- and saying toxic, it wasn't too good- was it?

 

All you can say now, is you tried.

 

Out of respect, yes leave her be and start working on yourself. As i've mentioned to many, you will experience many emotions for a while, after your loss. The sadness, confusion, anger, lonliness etc. This is all normal- let it happen.

 

Give it all some time to work on, to accept & to try & let go now. She does not sound like she is looking to go back with you any time soon- sorry...

Then time to aim yourself AWAY from her now and work on yourself. Work on bettering youself for your future of the next relationship.

Work on those insecurities you've got so you don't bring them into another relationship etc.

 

BUT- please take some good time OFF to work on healing from this loss. You do need to move on whole heartedly and happy with yourself again. okay.

 

I do understand the heartache & pains one goes thru after a loss, I myself am dealing with the same.

 

take care.. one day at a time.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I am also choosing to go NC with my ex who wanted to "remain friends". He thought for awhile he wanted to get back together but then decided he wanted to be single for awhile. I am just done with his games. He can figure out what he wants, but I won't be waiting around. If someone better comes along I'm taking that. But unless he contacts me again, I won't be contacting him first. They need to miss you, and realize how great you are and how much you mean to them!

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