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Friends are still friends with my Ex


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Hi All -

 

My ex broke up with me in the Summer 2012. Without getting into much detail, it was a breakup that sent me to hell and back. We've been 100% NC since the day of the breakup, and as such, have come a long way since for the better! I've moved on, and want my ex to remain completely out of my life.

 

Since the breakup, Pretty much all my (female) friends are still friends with her, and go out with her regularly including one of my best friends. Absolutely none of my friends were friends with my ex before we started dating years ago.

 

(And just to make it clear, these are my female friends I'm referring to - none of my guy friends having nothing to do with this - THANK GOD!)

 

Aside from having to skip out on a few important events/bdays because we were both invited, it has always kinda pissed me off how my friends are still friends with her, out of principle, especially knowing that we're NC. This girl broke my heart into a million pieces - My friends knew how hard it hit me - Isn't it common sense to stop hanging with your good friend's ex after they've broken up?

 

I haven't brought this up to ANY of them - For the longest time, I've been very tolerant of this as I'm not one to cause any drama, but now it's starting to really bother me. I'm VERY reluctant to bring this up with any of my friends because girls can be such drama queens/firecrackers - No idea what kinda reaction to expect from them. I know for a 100% fact bringing this up because will generate some degree of drama, especially from a guy like myself that has never ever been a catalyst/target of any drama for that matter.

 

Do I have a right to be pissed?

Should I just suck it up buttercup and continue moving on in my life not giving a f* about this? Be honest guys.

Any suggestions/feedback?

 

Thanks All!

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lol I'm in the same spot, just female friends too. I ended up cutting contact with those mutual female friends. They came with the argument that, well I'm not taking sides, she did nothing bad to me, I'm not going to stop being friends with her because of that. That's not true friendship blabla.

 

I had a hard time hearing that from them. I mean, they know what my Ex did, they know the terrible things and still... no disapointment towards her nothing! They were very supportive with me but I couldn't keep it like that, knowing that in the afternoon they would meet me and support me and later in the night they would go to the club with my Ex, having a blast and probably telling her how bad I was. So I thought to myself, well maybe they are not true friends with me then. I couldn't help to feel hurt with that, yet another colateral damage from the brak up I guess.

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I understand how you feel the way you do. I think if some of my friends were still friends with any of my exes I would be annoyed too.

 

But you have to recognize that you do not own them. They probably developed a nice friendship with her while you were together. And friends can be hard to come by.

 

After so long I would hope you would let them be. If you say something it will make you seem petty and like you are not over your ex.

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I think it generally comes down to one of three things: either the breakup while it may have hurt you was over something your female friends see as not that awful--i.e. the ex didn't cheat on you, didn't say or do anything cruel etc. just broke up with you because it wasn't working for her OR the girls who are friends of yours just like her better and if pushed to it will choose her over you. It may also be they think you are totally fine and got over the ex so long ago that it's not a big deal to you.

 

It really is only one of those three things. For me loyalty is a big issue and if someone mistreats one of my friends they are out, no question. I've been friends with two people who are exes, but only where it wasn't a breakup due to bad behavior AND I talked to both about it and made it understood I was Switzerland--i.e. a neutral party and wouldn't talk to each of them about the other. Then stuck to my word on that. Before writing them off completely maybe have a talk about how it bothers you and your feelings on the matter. Your friends will probably feel bad that they hurt you in the first place, they may tell you they like her better, they may choose to end the friendship with one or the other of you. Who knows, but you should speak up calmly and talk to your closest friends about it at least. Otherwise they may just be completely clueless this is even an issue with you.

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As I recall, your ex was a *forced dumper* because you refused to commit to her after several years together.

 

In this case, it's easy for me to see why your female friends would feel empathy towards her, because dating someone who won't commit is kind of a universal bond among women.

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Yes, it sucks. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it.

 

When I have been the mutual friend, I have chosen to disconnect from one person partially or completely (depends solely on the situation and whether both agree to continued friendship- I ALWAYS get consent, it lets the dumpee regain some power and control, and decide if my friendship with their (former) partner will damage them further. I find many people (friends) unwilling to make that decision or even put enough thought into it. I personally feel obligated to do that. Its motivated from loyalty.

 

"If you stand in the middle of the road, you will get hit by traffic moving in both directions!"

 

Having said that, and people can choose to agree or disagree with my next statement.

I think its noteworthy that two people in this thread have mentioned that its mostly the female friends with the apparent duality. I think most women in general have a different kind of friendship than men do, that is to say, its just not the same as guys. Female friendships tend to be more emotional, more tenuous, as if they are using some different building blocks in parts of the foundation.

^^Apply that however you feel appropriate in the above situation.

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