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One year on, something that helps me


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It's been a year since I split with my ex-wife. I can really look back and say I've made the most of the year, I don't know what else I could have done with my time to do better for myself. To call it the hardest year of my life feels like I'm trivializing it, but I've done the best i could, and I can't think of anything I would have handled differently under the circumstances. I've come a long way, but it's still difficult, it's still very, very difficult. The pain still stalks me every day, it's just gotten easier to live with over time.

 

One year on I'm looking back, reflecting, reliving, and grieving some more. I wanted to share something that's helped me. This is something I wrote to myself 3 or 4 months ago, something that speaks to my marriage and the life that grew around it and what I've gone through since it ended. I can't count how many times I've read this since, to me it's the simple "truth" I want to keep reminding myself of. I thought this might speak to others as well so I thought why not share it:

 

 

 

"You want to be in love again. You want someone to care about who loves you, who worships you. You still grieve for this love because nothing else you've ever experienced compares, nothing holds you like the memories, so you pine for it, you die for it, even with all its flaws...

 

But it was flawed, and deep in your heart you know that, you know there is an inevitability to this, that it was never going to survive. You want it to be alive but what would it be if it was? It wouldn't be what you remember, it would be something else, and probably nothing as good as what you're likely to find if you keep your heart and your mind open. Its natural to grieve, and you're going to grieve for a long time, but you can't hold on.

 

Things like this have lives of their own. They're born, they grow, they live, they can grow weak and sometimes, they die. They may die even when we'd give anything to keep them alive. We may wallow in guilt and regret for our role in letting it happen, but in the end there isn't anything we can do.

 

And what could you have done, really? You can't blame yourself for not being perfect, an you can't ask yourself to be Jesus. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and even if you had acted perfectly that doesn't mean you could have changed what was really going on underneath it all.

 

You can pine for the good times, you can dream of what was and what might have been, you can do it your whole entire life, but that will never change what is. Underneath it all there's the truth of what was, of what is, and you know there was no other way."

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Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself.

 

Reading it again I suppose it can read that way, but of course for me there is a back story to this. It might be vague to read but everything in there is a reference to things I've come understand about what's happened, so for me its a reminder. I suppose that's why I thought others might be able to relate. It's open enough maybe someone will find their own story fits as well.

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