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Asking out a coworker...


Furtive

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Work under the assumption that I'm making this post under an optimistic bias...

 

I work two jobs. One is a career, the other is a part time job for specific benefits and extra cash. This lovely lady falls under the latter, so I'm not worried about work/career related repercussions.

 

Pros that make me think this is a good idea:

-She laughs at all of my jokes

-Our wits align

-We listen to the same kind of music (modern indie rock and classic oldies (latter being very rare in people my age))

-She randomly likes and wants to experience things I like (e.g. German food)

-She responds to my texts quickly and will randomly text me at times

-She seems open to me being within her personal space at work

 

Cons

-She doesn't know we're on completely opposite ends of the religious spectrum because I feign other peoples' religious beliefs to keep things smooth (she is a hardcore baptist, I am agnostic/atheist -- like I said she has no idea...I don't care that she's super religious, but she would probably care that I don't care about religion -- It wouldn't feel right to pretend to believe in something I don't

-She is anti-drinking/ teetotal, and I could not live an enjoyable life without partaking in a six pack on occasion

-She will occasionally bring up old crushes and boyfriends in conversation (is she trying to make me jealous or am I in the friend zone already?)

-She is extremely politically aligned and I am more about voting for individuals (although I used to be of her alignment)

 

I'm really lost because she is such an awesome, nice person. I don't want to make things super awkward if she says "nope." On the other hand if things really go well, I wouldn't want to hit a point where she's like "is Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior and do you believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible?"...and I can't with full integrity say "yes."

 

Side bullcrap aside, I really enjoy talking to her. She is super intelligent, she follows the same financial principles as me (we both follow budgets, are planning for early retirement (45-55ish), and are frugal...we both like good food and want to travel to the same places, we rock out to the same music, and we both want to leave this small town.

 

I was trying to think of creative ways to ask her out that would allow her to turn me down without an awkward situation. I would completely be fine if she said no, and I would not change how I am/act around her...but I feel she's the type that would feel continuously awkward.

 

On a side note...the other day I said something along the lines of "I always watch movies alone, it's sad..." and she said "that's nobody's fault but your own" could be a dig or a hint! Hahaha, just searching for ideas.

 

Thanks.

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Ya that first one on the cons list is a deal breaker for sure.

 

 

"that's nobody's fault but your own" is not by any means a hint for a movie date. If she said "Oh I love watching movies!" THAT is a hint for a date.

 

Her talking about BF's and all that crap is just that conversation....it's what people talk about when they spend time with others.

 

Now I'm not saying you can't take a shot...that's your choice. The simplest way do it is to just ask her out for coffee sometime on the weekend...a 45 min coffee date to chat out side of work. if she says no the world won't come to and.....Like I always say better to have failed than to never have tried at all.

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i like a 'psuedo-date' for this situation. is there something safe you can invite her to that doesn't scream DATE? let's say maybe there is a live show near your work someday, maybe you can go after work. maybe you need to buy a gift for your sister and ask if she would go shopping with you to help you pick something out, and you would take her out for drinks? obviously the religious difference could be a huge deal, but maybe not... see what happens! good luck!!

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Thanks for the tips guys.

 

Yeah the religious part is really what's holding me back. It's just sad that a person can (at least seem) like a perfect and compatible match, except in one area that is a deal breaker. Any other denomination would have been fine...but Baptists are so strict in their beliefs and marrying/developing relationships within said denomination/church.

 

Out of respect for her beliefs is the main reason I haven't moved forward.

 

On the other hand, I would be completely open to learning about God and attending some Baptist sermons. I know if I brought up wanting to learn more she would definitely invite me to attend...

 

Also, I should have been more clear - I don't pretend to be other people's religion. I am just very accommodating in discussing those topics when they arise. I am not an argumentative/you're doing it wrong kind of person.

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On the other hand, I would be completely open to learning about God and attending some Baptist sermons.

 

And that's all that matters.. [having been raised in a strict Baptist environment]

 

 

 

Personally I see nothing in your list that would be a deal breaker to any reasonable human adult. Especially with your openness towards said "cons." Go for it. Give it a shot. You're going on a date, not marrying her. Worry about Religion, Politics, and any other personal thing after the dating has become serious enough to warrant compromise or discussion.. For now, enjoy each others company, and set up a date!

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And that's all that matters.. [having been raised in a strict Baptist environment]

 

 

 

Personally I see nothing in your list that would be a deal breaker to any reasonable human adult. Especially with your openness towards said "cons." Go for it. Give it a shot. You're going on a date, not marrying her. Worry about Religion, Politics, and any other personal thing after the dating has become serious enough to warrant compromise or discussion.. For now, enjoy each others company, and set up a date!

 

Thanks for your advice FlashEng1.

 

I went for it. Sadly, denied.

 

So is life. Still, it feels better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.

 

I don't think she'll feel awkward at all, she was polite, and I don't think I showed any awkward signs of distress for the rejection.

 

However, this is the interwebs and now I can spew my little bit of sadness before I move on. It boggles my mind because every sign was there. She laughs at most everything I say (in a kind way), she compliments me consistently on various things and not things that are superficial, she seemed genuinely interested in things I was interested in, on and on.

 

The true reason for no, I'll never really know. Let's just say her reason given in that split second didn't really scream "this is the reason."

 

Time to move on. So is life.

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That's the problem with so many of these advice books and average "attraction" mentalities. People look to the signs more than they look to actual facts or reality; especially when things change (Co-worker "signs of interest" vs. First date signs. The flirty "signs of interest" from another classmate vs. the friend who has a crush on you, etc).

 

And damnit, what was the reason!! haha kidding.. Another problem though: timing. Sadly the attractiveness of both you and the woman you interact with can end up depending on one thing: Timing.

 

Glad you're moving on, and glad you now KNOW.. Your success in dating relies heavily on rejection. In fact, let this lesson prove to you that a woman can do everything you thought was a "sign" only to be all wrong. It should now speed up your next encounter when you tell yourself "Psh, so what that she laughs at my jokes!? I'm going to ask her out and find out for sure!!"

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Personally, I NEVER date coworkers under ANY circumstances. But there is one thing I would like to mention. I used to work 2 job years ago. A guy that I worked with 14 years ago at my part-time job is now my supervisor at my full-time job. Fortunately, we got along well. My point is, never assume that there will be no repercussions.

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And damnit, what was the reason!! haha kidding.. Another problem though: timing. Sadly the attractiveness of both you and the woman you interact with can end up depending on one thing: Timing.

 

Haha, yeah keeping the reason to myself. It was not bad at all and she thanked me for asking her out. Honestly might just be timing.

 

We've worked together since and everything is gravy. I won't ask her out again, but I do respect her and will continue to be how I always was before.

 

To be honest though, I really, truly think it was religion. She is very stern in her beliefs in that regard, and I have over heard her in the past saying "I will only date Baptist guys." So, you know, I was kind of taking a shot in the dark! (Kind of a big thing to neglect to mention in my initial post I suppose! But hey, I thought personality could over come! hehe.)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I wouldn't date at the office. No matter what.

 

I'm also a hardcore baptist, I'm a pretty good package but I'm single because it's difficult to find a real Christian man who shares the similar goals/interests/ambitions. I will keep on praying. No, I would cross out a man automatically if he's not hardcore religious.

 

I'm glad you asked her out, that way you know at least you tried.

 

Good luck next time!

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  • 2 weeks later...
I wouldn't date at the office. No matter what.

 

I'm also a hardcore baptist, I'm a pretty good package but I'm single because it's difficult to find a real Christian man who shares the similar goals/interests/ambitions. I will keep on praying. No, I would cross out a man automatically if he's not hardcore religious.

 

I'm glad you asked her out, that way you know at least you tried.

 

Good luck next time!

 

Yeah, I am very glad I tried. She is a wonderful woman.

 

She gave me a Bible the other day, so maybe I am making progress just by being kind after the rejection? Anyways, I'm just glad to work with her. She is a great person.

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eh I think the religious and political differences would eventually root its head. Unless, she's just been pretty sheltered her whole life and her parents force fed her those beliefs. Sometimes people need to get out and be exposed a little more so they can form their own opinions. If in the end her stance is indeed what she chooses, no, it's not going to work out.

I'm not religious at all and pretty liberal. I wouldn't go near a ultra religious conservative with a 10ft pole.

That's kind of my fear right now, I'm living in a very conservative/racist/gun loving area of the us....there is this guy I have taken a liking to and I am trying to muster up the courage to ask him out or something, BUT I just have this hunch that if I dig any deeper than where we are now, I'm going to reveal a person I don't really like.

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Furtive I'm going to be honest with you as someone who's a Christian I would say she see's you as a friend because that's what you two are as of now. Her giving you a Bible means she actually cares about you.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

-Jake

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Furtive I'm going to be honest with you as someone who's a Christian I would say she see's you as a friend because that's what you two are as of now. Her giving you a Bible means she actually cares about you.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

-Jake

 

Yeah, you're probably right. I'm not too worried about it. I'm glad to have her as a friend, and I'm not expecting more.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Well...there might be something like a date coming up.

 

The two of us and two other people (a couple). I guess there's a chance she backs out of it before it happens...but she showed a lot more enthusiasm for the invite than I did. Well, I was fully expecting her to deny it, so I was surprised.

 

For those that are wondering. When she turned me down, I completely dropped that subject. I just kept being a nice guy and coworker. I don't want to put the cart in front of the horse, but we'll see if that worked out for me.

 

It still boggles my mind. I can/could and do keep this girl laughing non-stop. It just seemed so obvious to me, yet I was wrong. But, I guess we'll see.

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(If I shouldn't keep bumping this, let me know.)

 

Well, that's over and done; It wasn't bad.

 

I didn't think she would show up, but she did. A good time all around.

 

I don't think it made us any closer or further apart. Really, looking at it logically, I truly don't know if she feels anything for me at all. On a positive note, I'm at the point where I could not care less about her (it just takes time.)

 

I'm genuinely interested in her abilities...she's a fabulous writer and she plays music well.

 

I still think there is a disconnect between religion. Sadly, I don't know if it's anything more than that (am I unattractive to her, am I not a cool enough personality?). Still, she is a hardcore Baptist...so I don't know if that's the block or if it's anything more. I know some people would say that it wouldn't matter, but this is the kind of girl that is devout...truly devout.

 

I've noticed if I don't text her now for a day or two...she will text me. She is always eager to invite me to church...latest invite was tonight.

 

I said I wouldn't share it, but now I don't care. Her reason for not going out with me before was that she just started seeing someone. Sorry, I know it's complete bull.

 

Why? A month later she exclaims "why aren't we Facebook friends!?" After she adds me, I look back at her history. No guys at all mentioned in her history, just a post about not having a date for Valentines Day.

 

Damn me. She's not even that attractive. I'm just in love with how awesome she is. I'm over it, but I'm not.

 

It almost makes me angry how awesome our conversations are. I don't understand how compatibility cannot exist.

 

I'm reading the Bible and we talk about it off and on. I'm just lost and rambling, sorry for taking up the forum space.

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