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Is it karma?


Disappointed99

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My brother cheated on his wife.. They're still together n now have a baby together... My parents have been married for 35yrs and I know my dads flirting habit has taken the next level and now he is cheating on my mom.. ( who by the way stuck by him through his worst financial years and tolerated all his abuse). Watching my mother endure bull as a repayment of her loyalty and dedication and love, I swore I wud never married - ever!! But my mum kept reassuring me that just cuz it happened to her doesn't mean it'll happen to me and take a leap of faith.... So I got married 6 months ago and am presently separated from my husband cuz I'm sure there's some one else in his life..... Thers no other explanation for his behavior. Y else wud he snatch his fone from my hand after I used it to make a call.. Y else wud he be stuck to his fone all the time bt never msg or call me... Even wen I'm away for 2 months he doesn't call until my brother asks him to.... Y else wud he rush to chek his msgs if his fone buzzes while we're intimiate?? Anyways, is karma being a and trying to teaching the men in my family a lesson through me? Or has infidelity become as normal as the common cold? Should women seriously just give up on expecting men to be loyal and give up on "marriage" concept? I know I have.

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People cheat for different reasons. With men it's usually boredom, repeat behavior (meaning they were always a cheater), escape from a relationship they don't want to be in, self entitlement, learned behavior (like father was a cheater), sex addiction, drug addiction/alcoholism, etc. No not all mean are like this, you just got stuck with one who does.

 

Sorry but it's just random. Usually this behavior is evident before one gets married....some just dismiss the red flags thinking it's all in their head. Think back, maybe there is telling behavior that didn't seem anything then, but now makes sense. Maybe some counseling might help with this stigma....I don't think it's fair to have to go through life never trusting men. It's not a way to be....being so jaded.

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I don't think it's karma. I think it's more like a group of things that make it harder for you to recognize red flag behaviors and act accordingly to choose men who don't exhibit those behaviors over men who do. Same thing goes for men with women here.

 

I think when you see constant cheating around you in your family, conscious or not, certain behaviors are learned by children as normal. In your case you mention seeing your mom abused by your dad, you don't say physically or emotionally though and also him flirting. In that case both you and your brother learned that a man who belittles his wife (your mom) disrespects her and looks at other women as objects of lust is a normal pattern of behavior. You likely have learned to one degree or another to excuse away the smaller red flags like when his eyes wander and linger too long on the waitress's legs or he jokingly tells his buddies misogynistic comments about women and they all laugh together. After all your mom has in one way or another justified staying with your dad all these years and I've been around long enough to know that most women and men are smart enough to know others are watching with raised eyebrows and they have to excuse away the bad behavior. Oh boys will be boys, all men flirt, etc. You've learned from your mother that this is what women do, so when you met your husband you likely did the same thing, whether yuo were even aware of it or not. Your brother sadly also learned from your dad that cheating is acceptable behavior, again whether he did so consciously or not.

 

Add to that the fact that we live in a society that pushes the idea that the bad boy will be reformed by the right woman, that sex is everything in life, that it's a man's job to complete the woman's life, and a multitude of other crappy hidden and not so hidden messages coupled with the fact none of us are usually taught anything about red flag behaviors that would tell you this person is not your friend and that person isn't the type of guy/girl you want to date and we have, I think, a recipe for a lot of failed relationships. Not just for you, for all us.

 

And I am going to make a plug here for something that we all seem to have forgotten about: manners, good old basic social graces "I see you and you are important enough to me to make me want to help you" manners. It took me a very long time and some pretty tough life lessons to learn for instance that if a person doesn't display basic social manners to me both in private and public that this is a person I don't want in my life. Because a lack of manners, basic things like not taking the last slice of cake without offering to share or saying thank you or just offering to open the door when you're struggling with too many packages in your hands shows a selfish nature. Granted sometimes people will do those things in the honeymoon stage too, but sooner or later they don't. And that I have learned will tell you a tremendous amount about the person who you're really dealing with. Because cheating is an act of utmost selfishness in which a person does it regardless of who it will hurt, because it's what they want and feel is important only to them. So yeah, selfish people who are inconsiderate of others will have zero problems cheating. People with more empathy who see others as important too generally won't stoop to those behaviors. They may leave you if something isn't working out, but they won't go behind your back and cheat.

 

My guess is you either married the guy too fast--i.e. before you really knew him or you ignored or missed red flags. This is where some studying up on the topic through self-help books and perhaps even sitting down with a counselor who is experienced in helping break lifelong patterns of learned behaviors can really help. Also bluntly speaking you should never marry someone as a leap of faith. Especially not when the person urging you on to that leap of faith has a bad marriage themselves. I would say you should treat it with more care than you would when you're buying a piece of property, a house, a new car or anything big that's a major investment. I know that's probably considered cold by some, but this is your life and someone else is asking you to invest your precious time and energy and love into making a life with them. That is a huge commitment, one too often taken lightly and honestly I don't think it should be.

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I'm sorry for the problems you are having in your relationship.

 

In no way do I think it is karma. I do not think it is some big force applying 'justice' through you.

 

I think you need to look seriously at the individual relationship you have with your man, and the individual circumstances and people involved (you and him) and not apply everyone else's troubles on top of that.

 

I think what is even sadder than cheating is women like your mom who want to keep a polyanna attitude about men with lower character. It's one extreme; the other extreme is trusting no men based on some men who cheat/lie/etc. can not be trusted.

 

What you want to reach is something healthy where you give trust...but not blindly. YOu can believe in marriage...but within the scope of reason and reality as well. Realistic and healthy expectations are what are needed, and an ability to stand on owns two feet and not need to cling to unhealthy relationships.

 

How about therapy? And I mean that with serious positive regard for you. No need for you to remain enmeshed in other people's baggage and keep it as your own. Therapy can help you put that down. Stand by your own; and decide for yourself what is and is not realistic to expect from another human being.

 

I happen to believe it is totally possible for a person to value fidelity to the point they simply do what it takes to make sure that is part of their life. You can embody it yourself, and you can refuse to be a participant in a relationship with anyone who doesn't value it the same as you.

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Thank you for taking time out to read my post and for all your kind words.. I do feel the need to address the part where my mum stayed with my dad after all she'd seen n been thru... It wasn't out of choice... Even as a child I hugged her and wiped away her tears asking how could I make it better. My mom had no other choice - it was either this or lose her 3 kids to a man with a major temper problem... Something very ugly would've happened to us... She stayed to protect us... She was raised by a single parent ( her dad died very young due to cancer - damn cancer!!!!) . My mother and her 5 siblings studied their butts off and got into college through scholarship. But my mom couldn't finish her education. My grandmother insisted she get married and so my grandma would be done with her responsibility and knowing the tough life her mother had lived she just dint want to burden her no more. My mom couldn't leave her marriage after the BS started cuz of the same reason plus couldn't get a job as her education wasn't through an English medium. And we all know most brothers stop giving a damn after they get married ... So she endured all that she did to make sure her kids could become capable of doing evrything she only dreamed of. Even though she was battered and bruised and ended up with tons of medical issues now , She made sure I and my brothers studied as much as We wanted to - I hold a double bachelors and was invited to Harvard to present a case study last year aswell.. All cuz my mom sacrificed herself to make sure we could. Things aren't simple. Ever. I grew up telling her I'd never get married but she convinced me to cuz she wanted to see her daughter live the love filled marriage she never had. She knew i had trust issues and we all know you can never really tell what's going on with a man until u live with him day and night. Some men are jst very good at hiding. That's y the leap of faith. ( yes we're religious) So before anyone asks me not take take my mothers advice as she stayed in a bad relationship herself - kindly ask for details first.

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I think you misunderstood me. I wasn't criticizing your mom, I was pointing out that you perhaps married for the wrong reasons. That's it. Plenty of us, myself included, have been guilty of that. I married too young, because all my friends were doing so and I thought I should grab the first nice boy I went out with and get married. Big mistake and not because he was a cheater, just we were both two scared kids who were all wrong for each other. And that's why I said I have come to learn that marriage should be entered into very, very carefully. Yes, we can be deceived beforehand, but I have learned that red flags about a person's true nature are there beforehand. I get that you admire your mother and that she did indeed do a tremendous amount for you and your siblings. She's to be lauded for that, all mothers are. But cheating comes from people who are selfish in nature and that selfish nature does usually show itself fairly early on in a relationship. Most of us just don't realize what we're looking at until it's too late.

 

My only point in my post to you is telling you to learn to spot red flags ahead of time, do you best to learn and be aware of people who are less than stellar in how they will treat you and others. I'm sorry if you take offense at what I wrote, I wasn't trying to offend you, I was trying to help.

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I don't know about all that. To me, it sounds like justifying away why your mom made the choices she did. As though she possibly couldn't have made any others. Which I dont believe; I believe as human beings we have a lot of free will and choice. At the end of the day, she still made the choices and that was her responsibility. IS her responsibility.

 

It's possible for a parent to have loved you and had the best intentions, but still have made some bad choices. It's not betrayal to admit it. And it's not betrayal to take stock of what was missing in your childhood either. What was neglected.

 

I was simply suggesting that having a mom who stayed in such a bad relationship may have had an impact on you and the choices you have made with men. And if that is true, it can help sometimes to talk to someone professionally about it.

 

good luck.

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Marrying the right person comes down to one thing: knowing them deeply and observing their consistent behavior as indicative of good character.

 

For your mom to have married a man of bad character in the first place, she made a mistake somewhere along this line. People make mistakes -- but they are still choices.

 

And people can then, in an attempt to solve the problem, make other choices that are mistakes, thinking they are the only solutions.

 

My mom made a lot of poor choices out of fear, and one of them was staying with my dad because she was too afraid to leave and thought he would take the kids. There are all kinds of ways she could have fought for that outcome not to happen, but she didn't even try. That was a MISTAKE and it was a CHOICE.

 

Your mom's giving up her power is evidenced in her statement, "Just because it happened to me doesn't mean it will happen to you." That makes it sound like what "befell" her was an act of Nature. This did not start with bad luck for her, like getting hit by a car or being caught in a tsunami.

 

Since this is not a matter of luck, it's for you to figure out how not to make the same choices and mistakes, thus repeating history: you have to be a better judge of character than she was, and better than you have been so far.

 

This has nothing to do with the concept of karma. Karma is translated as "cause and effect", as actions relate to later developments.

 

The bad news is that the responsibility not to repeat history is all on you.

 

The good news is that the responsibility not to repeat history is all on you.

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I know your mother made great sacrifices to make sure her children would have a better life making sure you got a good education BUT don't make her a martyr. She didn't set any examples of self worth and strength, but of weakness and low self worth.The emotional impact that it has on you is for a lifetime. Acknowledging it would be your first step to healing. And yes like itsallgrand said, talking with a therapist would help greatly.

 

So don't put up your hand at all this great advice, look at it as a gift. We want you to see that it's ok to not accept your mother's choices. You are not turning your back on her, you are turning your back on her weakness. It's time to make a change.

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